mlpzz
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Polyamory
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Maried one, Dating other.
Posts: 1
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« on: May 23, 2020, 05:24:55 PM » |
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A bit of background about myself and situation. I grew up with a Dad (who still lives next door) and I think is pathologically narcissist (unpd). Can't work out that there in only his world. My mother is the care giver and a roll she would drag me into regularly. Often crying that she can't get him to listen about dangers of the tractor. So I learned that the way to have relationships that have happy moments is to be the care giver.
The next 25 years of my life I have been with A (my uBPD), she was 16 I was 19. We have built a house together, have two gorgeous girls (10 and 13) (slight side track, A mother and the younger daugher all have the same traits).
People always joked about our lives being alwys happy and perfect. I am a patholgical giver - which didn't hurt until it did, I know that, and I'm learning the damage I did.
6+ years ago AJ and I smoother changed from mono to poly. Initially she didtn't want other partners but she started. It was very obvious that she was, what I called a bad taste girl. She kept dating a string of arse holes. 1 in particulary was very nasty. So she has 3 steady partners she sees now. They are much lighter going for her, and I like one in particular, who spends a nigtht here with the kids.
It has been clear, but only after reading and learning about myself and BPD - that I have been treading on egg shells all my life. I thought it was normal and particularly what males had to do to get forms of intimacy.
I've been well grounded, easy going, conference organiser, head of software team ... As I passed 40 and into poly it opened up doors that have been closed due to nasty things and reactions we all got taught during 70s and 80s - Gay = Aids. And a lot more. Combined with some amazing freinds and partners I told the world I am bisexual and even slower I eventually came out as non binary and pretty much only wear skirts or dresses (Before that it was mostly kilts).
4 years ago, I lost one of my partners I could not "care for" - I didn't have this understanding I have now. And I spent a lot of time with my big nasty internal self critic (I've learned to love that thing again, it has allowed me to be adventurous). In those moments AJ would pull away. I had been there for some nasty breakups, sometimes she even wanted sex to feel all loved. But she would shame me for wanting sex when down. I have taken my time and read books/watched shows to accept that who I am, tying physical with emotional intimacy is normal - and I thin of it as a super power.
From then on, any time I needed any support, AJ would visbily pull away frm me, even to the point of being at the other end of the couch. And then we we would snugged into bed after what seemed cool, she would be horrified that I would want sex or even cuddles and kisses. I talked to therpy and friends, and I accepted that Amanda could not support me and I need to get my own support network, which I did and have.
She asked me to continue coming to her with what is happening and an time I needed a call when away for support. This works wel.
Skip ahead - we have been having recurring discussions - maybe 6+ monthly, where A is not listening at all, belittiling and all sort of other mean and dismissive things. She would pretend she was sick so we didn't have to talk of be intimate, but when I would bring those up in the future, I was told I have to always believe what she says. After a few minutes of arms crossed, not listening she goes off for 10-15 minutes of telling me all the things I do wrong, they are all pretty accurate list and I think about what I need to chane - ok yes, care giver - it usually then ends in some ranting where she would yell, scream, break down, hit herself saying "You can't believe it is all my fault!". Not realising at time, I would of course explain my statement and even ask her to state them back, which all she read as "he agrees its his fault"... after calm - day later, sometimes even weeks later and we could talk how we are going (I had been doing lots of reading) and she would always say the same thing, "its still your fault" about being depressed, about the way she speaks, about the shouting. She has no ability to say sorry.
I had a number of bad relationship habbits (got plenty of other ones too... hehehe). one was to push harder, argue more with logic, push more with messaging - which of course pushed away more. Literally feel like I was missing out or fear of abandonment. Took me time to unravel how that fits on both sides - I think the main one is, mine is never imaginary, and I have taken control of that (mostly).
After a bit of analysis I realised that all my other current or ex partners (except 1) where all exactly the same. It explained why when I would put up a no or a boundary, or even adjustin the time I am seeing them, it could even lead to breakup. I currently have 2 partners, and they both functional uBSD - as I don't live with the other one, only part time and occasional weekends, however we are extremely close - she educated in gender studies and has helped me through amazing times. This separation usually allows me to avoid her issues (which I am not going to bring up now, concentrating on wife). She is aware of my situation with A and is giving me the cuddles I need. And A likes her too, and is please that she is, even all having dinner together.
Down to the wire - the ticking clock
She spent 10-15 minutes telling me the most wonderful things about me. Really what I do and how I work, and the usual clever, sexy, lovely, beautiful etc - and also told me to be sure that gender things have nothing to do with this - I already knew that but was nice to hear - in fact she said it made me more me.
Then she announce she is going, talked about needing lawyers and accountants, and will rent close and need a room for the kids and give them choice ...
I said, wait a moment time out... I explained gently that I can't talk with her, without the fear of daemon dialgues (not mentioning BPD of course) until we go through some amount of therapy together. She thought about that and agreed.
After the most recent blow up (the day of lock down for us, about 8+ weeks ago) and she ranted for 3 days (never seen that before, and the vilence of breaking things). I knew that this was going to just be another loop. So I said I needed 4 days away to think, will she be ok with girls - she agreed and it went well. On my return I asked what she wants, she didin't know still. I had been asking her to read a couples book, since we still both thorught we were above professional help (oh the arrogance of me). "Hold me tight" - the book covered situations and people that very much matched how we both feel - I specially choose one which whoed a patient that she perceived as me. And the exercises in the book were easy to do and not confronting in their style, and ones that fit Amanda and my own philosophy. My needs was that picked a period, I suggested 6 months, where she can stay in the train carraige (we used to live there when firs married, and its beautiful, and it was her chocie to choose that) and in that 6 months we have weekly therapy session, and weekly dates - no expectations on the dates of what we do. She nodded and said let me think about it - and what she came back with is she is leaving. The point I had of the 6 months time - was that we didn't have to decide on things, espcially complicated ones, utnil we have had some training.
(in a vulnerable moment she once told me recently, if I let mysefl think its my fault, my brain will collapse in on itself).
In 2 weeks I had read it 3 times - and I really got it, and I couldn't wait. Amanda promised to read it in 2 weeks - 4 weeks later, 6 weeks later - finally after the rant she sat down and read the rest of the book, and would yell out to me from the studio "what right does this lady in America tell me what I need!"
Skip now to right now - she has announced she is leaving, and then started jumping into the details of really leaving. She fears the abandonment of trying again. She fears even more of findint out any was her fault. And she associated everything here around her with the problems, so it makes her sad. I hear this, I understand it, I feel for her - very much. I did a quick calculation on rent along and I nearly just dug a whole in the ground to stick my head in (Australian reference).
Big talk time today. My way of talking to her is so new - I talk with empathy. I don't over complicate. I still add too many words in the silences. I use and identy the real "I feel scared" vs "I feel you are ... ". I've started grabbing and not accepting straight away when there is ovvious projection.
But the reality is... she made the decision. She is an expert black and white thinker, and the worse decision maker ever. She has made the decisino, she brought it up. I don't know what to do next.
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