Facing the self doubt and sadness after moving out

[koral]

Hello
I am completely new to this, but unable to sleep at 3am and thought I'd try this after reading about the site in 'stop walking on eggshells'
I am 24, got depression (3rd time) end of last year and moved back in with my BP mum and then as I was recovering lockdown happened. My relationship with her had been good when I was depressed, in hindsight because she got to play carer role again. But lockdown made her a lot worse, and while I was chatting to friends online or doing exercise, she was comparing herself to me and constantly either putting herself or me down. Anyway, I suppose I had forgotten about all the boundaries I set 2. 5 years ago when I last battled to move out. So I played Supporter and emotional punchbag again. Every morning I had done done something wrong or she was in tears. I thought I was coping, via lots of meditation. But I broke down into Depressive feelings about 4 times very seriously before I realised, with the support of friends, that I needed to move out.
I moved out 3 days ago, creeping out of the house and lying to her about why I had a rucksack. Now living with a friend and her family, thank goodness I have a space. I hadn't expected everything to hurt more now. I know moving out was the right choice. But now experiencing so much anxiety, crying feels good to release it, but cannot sleep and wake up early. I was already waking up early when living with her, but now I can't even fall asleep it's such a shock because I have been doing so well personally-meditation had given me so much freedom, or so I thought! I still feel trapped, scared about going back to work, to the shops, for a walk, saying no to friends. I thought I had moved past this years back. But it's all back and it hurts so much and it's not fair. I feel angry and am scared I have taken on her resentment against the rest of my family who aren't as supportive of her. And I am upset because I feel like now is my time but I am still in the pattern of trying to help others.
Anyway, would really love words of support from people who get it. Also any practical tips on how to work through the anxiety, sleep, set boundaries when I'm vulnerable, find nourishing activities without just adding them to my list and feeling more guilty about not getting through it, and whether spending time with others is a good idea (e. g my friends family, friends over zoom) . I know this will take time and it will pass. I got through depression. I have a psychologist, but don't feel like she really got how serious it was. Why didn't she encourage me to move out sooner? I was the one who mentioned BPD to her. One thing-I like to run-is going on a run at 3am a bad idea? All the sleep advice says don't do it. But I'm online so that's also no good! Also one more anger. I find it really hard that awareness of BPD is so low. And also hard when I tell friends/others and they start comparing to their boundary issues with their parents. I know we all go through those difficulties but it makes me feel like they think I'm being over dramatic. That was a splurge in my sleep derived state...

[Turkish]

You're 24 years old, certainly an adult responsible for your own life and your feelings. Shouldn't your mother be so much so at her age? You're not her mother, she is yours.  She reversed those roles.  Congratulations on getting out, even if it's hard emotionally.

[Schmem_25]

  Koral!

I completely understand those feelings of self-doubt, loneliness, guilt, those FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) feelings that these boards talk about so often. I moved out when I got married, at 23. It took getting engaged and then getting married for me to move out. I moved out for a year my last year of undergrad, and it was the best thing for me, though it created a ton of turmoil in the very beginning. My uBPD mom was greatly triggered by that, but my mental health got SO MUCH BETTER when I moved out! I was given the opportunity for the first time to be my own person, to take care of myself, explore my own needs and desires. When I moved back in, things were ok because I was engaged. I think it made sense to my mom because she got married young and to her I was responsible to someone else like she was responsible to my dad when she got married at age 20. When I finally moved out right before I got married, I was feeling incredible feelings of loneliness, unassuredness, guilt. I was abandoning my mom! I couldn't take care of her anymore! I now know that I was so entrenched in my care of her, I was co-dependent with her. She ultimately could not grow, and neither could I. Now that I've been moved out for five years, she no longer depends on me (god speed to my dad and other siblings who still have to), and our relationship is much much better, if not more surface level. It's better that way, really. These feelings will go away with time. They are very challenging in the beginning. Counseling, running, meditation is all very good. Keep doing these activities! Look forward to you growing and becoming your own person once again. It will only be good for you and for your mother.

Welcome to the board! Take care 

[Methuen]

Hi Koral.  It sounds like you have already made a lot of really great decisions for your own well-being.  You are familiar with boundaries, you are physically active, you are social with friends, you have a psychologist, you practice meditation, and you have educated yourself a lot about BPD already.  Those are all really great strategies for self-care.  Good for you!

It sounds like sleep is one issue right now.  There are many really reliable websites, but here is one I have used:
www.healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/need-sleep/whats-in-it-for-you/health
...and look for these topics:
Assess Your Sleep Needs
Adopt Good Sleep Habits
Address Your Sleep Issues
Make Changes at Work
What Keeps You Awake?

whether spending time with others is a good idea

I think it's healthy to spend time with positive people - people who have a positive outlook.  Maybe try to avoid situations and people which bring negativity right now.

Boundaries are designed to keep us safe and healthy.  It sounds like you have experience with boundaries because you have used them in the past with your mom, but maybe a little refresher would be helpful?  If you think so, try these:
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

And also hard when I tell friends/others and they start comparing to their boundary issues with their parents. I know we all go through those difficulties but it makes me feel like they think I'm being over dramatic.

Personally, I get my support from 3 places: my husband, my therapist, and this forum.  I don't talk to my friends or anyone in my community about my mom because they don't know anything about BPD, and because their experience with her is completely different than mine, because she doesn't dump on them.  She only dumps on me. Other people either wouldn't believe me, would think I'm a terrible person for saying negative things about my mom, or simply wouldn't understand because they've never lived with a pwBPD.  Talking to friends who have no experience and don't understand BPD is probably always going to be an invalidating experience.  It was for me the one time I tried.  They are friends, and perhaps its just better to talk about other things (not BPD mother) with your friends if it leaves you feeling unsatisfied.  I think it's great you are seeing a psychologist.  You have also found this community, and we understand BPD and are here to support you.

If you are feeling ready, perhaps you could share a little more of your story.  We are here to listen.