I’m tired of burning myself on the pyre of “Good daughters”

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was 36 years old when I first realised my mother had BPD!  Nor that she would ever acknowledge the diagnosis.  I was the problem, the unnatural daughter.  I was in a full blown mental breakdown when my spiritual advisor told me that I am being emotionally, physically and financially abused by my live-in mother.

I would like to say that the scales fell from my eyes and I immediately did a 180.  Sadly no, but I started on the road to extricate myself from my mother.  We are pathologically enmeshed.

Two years later, I am still struggling...I now find the only way to escape is leave her living rent-free my home and move in with my SO.  She has decimated my self esteem so many times.  I remember the adage that a fox will naw off it’s own leg to escape a trap; I know exactly how it feels.

My spiritual advisor wants me to forgive her.  I can’t...not yet anyway. 

“You never get me anything.”
“I made you, you are nothing without me.”
“What man would want you?”
“You are an unnatural daughter.  A foundling would have been a better daughter to me.”
“I wish you were never born.” (A particular favorite).

I need not relate how I have cared for her over the years and adopted a codependent personality (disorder!) to be the perfect daughter.  I blindly followed her advice (orders) to my own perdition.  I lost nearly half my life on the alter being a dutiful daughter.

Some days I would go to bed and pray not to wake up the following day.  The scars she left on my psyche are deep and ugly.  She was the reason why I could not have any long term relationship.  No man was good enough for me (scratching head while re-reading quote number 3!).  In truth, I was afraid of being in a relationship with someone more toxic that can hurt me further.

Don’t get me wrong, we had our good days.  When the money was good and I could satisfy her grandiose whims, I was an angel.  The next minute I said or did something wrong and I was the devil. I spent my life walking on eggshells.  One time she would threaten to slit her wrists to teach me a lesson (she attempted suicide as a teen, and relayed the story when I was that age), another time she would threaten to stab me with a kitchen knife (while wielding said implement).  Sometimes I wished she carried on with either threat and take me out of my misery.  But mainly, she tells me how I’m going to cause her a heart attack or stroke and how I want to kill her by making her angry.

I am an only child.  I realise that one of the cornerstones of BPD is fear of abandonment which she frankly voiced repeatedly. I am moving out and “abandoning her”.  I will still maintain the normal interactions that an adult daughter and mother should maintain.  I dared ask her in one of these outbursts, “Do you blame me?  I’m not abandoning you, you pushed me away.”  Of course it fell of stone deaf ears.

The day for my moving out is less than a week away.  Our fights are reaching a crescendo.  I fear that I will die before I see that day.  She has already threatened (repeatedly) to sabotage my relationship with my SO by telling him about “the real” me.  We never talk about her adopting a “don’t ask don’t tell” strategy.  He frequently intimates that she reminds him of Hyacinth Bucket (Keeping Up Appearances) and I laugh at his remarks not wanting to share the darker side of “my Hyacinth”.  I have frequently gone out with him after getting my requisite dose of poison and couldn’t keep the tears from flowing.  I would make some flimsy excuse but he knew...we both knew.

I am so emotionally ravaged that I don’t think moving out will ever happen.  My SO and I have been together for over 1 year.  He is a kind and gentle man.  Sometimes I feel he is too good to be true.  He has his faults and issues, but he has never emotionally or physically hurt me.  The time we spend together is a balm on my emotional wounds.

I’m so afraid she will sabotage it all.  I told her that I’m moving out if I have to live on the street an if she damaged my relationship, I will permanently sever my relationship with her in every way.  And I mean it.  She has driven me to the brink of despair.  I am a angry enough to do it and stubborn enough to stick to it.

[Simonetta]

I was 36 years old when I first realised my mother had BPD!  Nor that she would ever acknowledge the diagnosis.  I was the problem, the unnatural daughter.  I was in a full blown mental breakdown when my spiritual advisor told me that I am being emotionally, physically and financially abused by my live-in mother.

I would like to say that the scales fell from my eyes and I immediately did a 180.  Sadly no, but I started on the road to extricate myself from my mother.  We are pathologically enmeshed.

Two years later, I am still struggling...I now find the only way to escape is leave her living rent-free my home and move in with my SO.  She has decimated my self esteem so many times.  I remember the adage that a fox will naw off it’s own leg to escape a trap; I know exactly how it feels.

My spiritual advisor wants me to forgive her.  I can’t...not yet anyway. 

“You never get me anything.”
“I made you, you are nothing without me.”
“What man would want you?”
“You are an unnatural daughter.  A foundling would have been a better daughter to me.”
“I wish you were never born.” (A particular favorite).

I need not relate how I have cared for her over the years and adopted a codependent personality (disorder!) to be the perfect daughter.  I blindly followed her advice (orders) to my own perdition.  I lost nearly half my life on the alter being a dutiful daughter.

Some days I would go to bed and pray not to wake up the following day.  The scars she left on my psyche are deep and ugly.  She was the reason why I could not have any long term relationship.  No man was good enough for me (scratching head while re-reading quote number 3!).  In truth, I was afraid of being in a relationship with someone more toxic that can hurt me further.

Don’t get me wrong, we had our good days.  When the money was good and I could satisfy her grandiose whims, I was an angel.  The next minute I said or did something wrong and I was the devil. I spent my life walking on eggshells.  One time she would threaten to slit her wrists to teach me a lesson (she attempted suicide as a teen, and relayed the story when I was that age), another time she would threaten to stab me with a kitchen knife (while wielding said implement).  Sometimes I wished she carried on with either threat and take me out of my misery.  But mainly, she tells me how I’m going to cause her a heart attack or stroke and how I want to kill her by making her angry.

I am an only child.  I realise that one of the cornerstones of BPD is fear of abandonment which she frankly voiced repeatedly. I am moving out and “abandoning her”.  I will still maintain the normal interactions that an adult daughter and mother should maintain.  I dared ask her in one of these outbursts, “Do you blame me?  I’m not abandoning you, you pushed me away.”  Of course it fell of stone deaf ears.

The day for my moving out is less than a week away.  Our fights are reaching a crescendo.  I fear that I will die before I see that day.  She has already threatened (repeatedly) to sabotage my relationship with my SO by telling him about “the real” me.  We never talk about her adopting a “don’t ask don’t tell” strategy.  He frequently intimates that she reminds him of Hyacinth Bucket (Keeping Up Appearances) and I laugh at his remarks not wanting to share the darker side of “my Hyacinth”.  I have frequently gone out with him after getting my requisite dose of poison and couldn’t keep the tears from flowing.  I would make some flimsy excuse but he knew...we both knew.

I am so emotionally ravaged that I don’t think moving out will ever happen.  My SO and I have been together for over 1 year.  He is a kind and gentle man.  Sometimes I feel he is too good to be true.  He has his faults and issues, but he has never emotionally or physically hurt me.  The time we spend together is a balm on my emotional wounds.

I’m so afraid she will sabotage it all.  I told her that I’m moving out if I have to live on the street an if she damaged my relationship, I will permanently sever my relationship with her in every way.  And I mean it.  She has driven me to the brink of despair.  I am a angry enough to do it and stubborn enough to stick to it.

[Notwendy]

I think I can relate to your situation, having been the daughter who didn't meet my parents' expectations all of the time ( an impossible goal). I could meet 99.9% of them but one mistake and that was unforgivable in their eyes.

It's not you. It's your mother's own poor image of herself that she projects on to you. It's magical thinking that if only you were a better daughter, she'd feel better. That's not possible because the feeling is hers, not about you.

It seems you have found a great guy and have plans to move in together. I understand your fear. My BPD mother has painted me black to other people and has ruined my relationship with them. They chose to believe her. So let's give this man some credit. He knows both of you. Who would he choose to believe?

My mother likes to tell stories about me too. Even to my kids. She's tried to take my H aside and tell him things about me ( I have no clue what). He doesn't consider what she says to have any relevance. He knows me- he sees me all the time, what she says doesn't change what he knows. I used to fear she'd influence my kids but they are older now and feel the same way as my H.

I know what it feels like to fear my mother might have that much power. Isn't it sad to think that the only power she has is to threaten to hurt other people? And she uses it and sometimes it has worked to ruin relationships, but not with my H.

The people who truly care about me and who know me don't believe her. So please give this man some credit. He knows you and he loves you. It would be horrible if he did believe her but then, I might question the relationship. It sounds like he's a keeper. He knows your situation and he's still there, by your side. I think it's worth trying to trust this. There is nothing wrong with stepping away from your mother to have your own romantic relationship. This is a normal part of adulthood. I hope you will step into this whole new stage of your life, and grasp this happiness. Staying won't change your mother or make her happier with you. I think you gave that a try.

[Panda39]

“You never get me anything.”
“I made you, you are nothing without me.”
“What man would want you?”
“You are an unnatural daughter.  A foundling would have been a better daughter to me.”
“I wish you were never born.” (A particular favorite).

Hi Simonetta,

Welcome to the group    All of the quotes above are your mother projecting her feelings about herself on to you.

You can switch pronouns around to really hear it...

“I never get you anything.”
“You made me, I am nothing without you.”
“What man would want me?”
“I am an unnatural mother.  A foundling would have been a better mother to you.”
“You wish I were never born.”

I know it's hard to push through all of these negative messages we internalize so much that it becomes difficult not to believe the things a parent says aren't true.  Your mom is one person with her opinions (I would argue distorted opinions), I'm sure there are many others in your life including your SO that love you just as you are.  Be aware that this stuff is your mother's problem and isn't about who you really are.

Don't feel bad about doing what your mom wanted, you did your best with what you knew to make things work the best you could.  Also, remember you were a child and she the adult. Often children of BPD parents are groomed for certain behaviors, like having little to no boundaries when it came to their BPD parent.  Processing and healing from all of this is a journey, healing, learning, processing, letting go, growing etc. are all in your future now that you are gaining awareness of what is really going on.

Is it just you and her in the family?  Siblings, your dad, extended family?  Where does everyone else fit in?

I'm glad you decided to join us and jump right in a post, I have found the members here really supportive and know you will too.

Panda39