Doctor Mother with BPD in a relationship with an abusive partner

[2litresofpure]

Hello! I've never ever in my life been a part of a chat room but i really feel lost and alone dealing with this situation and need all the thoughts/ comments/ insights I can get.

I'm not sure how this all works so please correct me if I'm not doing it right.

Also Trigger Warning

My mom has struggled with BPD, Depression, PTSD for a long time. She has threatened and attempted suicide multiple times and has self harmed my whole life.

She is a family physician and has been stigmatized for having depression on her file and has nearly not been hired because of it. She is very scared to lose her job if she admits to having BPD but has been in a psychiatric unit for treatment before.

She is in a relationship with someone who is very self absorbed and has no idea how to deal with someone with BPD. He walks out, is controlling, feeds into it and even participates in her self harm Example when she would self harm by cutting in the bathtub he would take the blood and put it on his face. He showed up to couples therapy in a dress to mock it and shuts her down constantly saying she doesnt work hard enough and has to just get out of bed and stop complaining

Most recently my brother (31 years old)went over to visit and my stepdad proudly told him that he has strangled my mom till she was unconscious. He said he was relieved when she went quiet and his intent was to kill her. When she came to he said she had reset and that was what she had needed. My mom agreed that she needed it because she wasn't thinking clearly and she was talking to much at him. She believes she deserved it. He also showed my brother around the room, showed him all these punch holes in the walls and how the doors were all kicked in.

My brother was shocked and didnt know what to do. Our mom has told us all different things over the years which as seperated us and turned us against eachother (4 siblings). Her self harm and his abusive Behavior felt so normal and we just thought well thats the way they are and what are we supposed to do about it. But this time my brother saw how awful this was and decided that either he was gonna call the cops or my stepdad needs to turn himself in.

He ended up turning himself in and has a restraining order from my mom for 3 months but my mom still thinks its all her fault and wants to get back together with him. She says he's just an artist and he has anger issues and its all her fault somehow.

She wont seek help because she says she doesnt have time, because she's worried about the stigma of being a doctor and getting judged or fired.

I have been trying to connect more with my siblings and work together. I have been trying to get my younger siblings to leave the situation because she is now trying to get them to emotionally support her (19 years old and 21) I feel like they need to live their own life and not have to take that all on.

However I don't want my mom to feel alone in this and I know from my reading and from my own struggles with BPD that abandonment is a really big fear and harshness and ultimatums.

We are all on our last rope. We adore our mom and she's always been there for us. I find it hard reading a lot of the BPD stuff because it talks a lot about the person being evil, manipulative, abusive and although my mom is like that with her partner she has never been that way with me. Although she has used us as emotional support and made it feel like we need to parent her not the other way around.

I'm so lost. I need help. It feels so hopeless and scary.

[Notwendy]

Your story has so many important points to consider.

First is that BPD can affect anyone- no matter how educated or accomplished. Also that BPD can play itself out in the most intimate relationships mainly. Your mother may be quite effective in her job- where she has a level of control over her relationships, but dysfunction at home.

Being in an abusive relationship can also happen to anyone- independent of intelligence.

Medical doctors are people too. They can have the same issues as anyone else. Unfortunately they may avoid seeking help if they think it might be a detriment to their position. This may be true for your mother, but also in general, denial is a component of BPD and it interferes with them seeking professional help. Being a doctor is a more acceptable excuse for her not wanting to seek help anyway.

Now for the hard part. Your mother is not entitely a victim. She's in an abusive relationship due to her own dysfunction. The abuser/person who is abused connection is a function of both people, and its quite complex. She may be the "victim" of her husbands physical abuse, but emotionally she stays due to this relationship meeting a need of some sort. This doesn't mean an abuse victim deserves to be abused. They don't. Abuse should not be tolerated, but that there are complex dynamics between both people that need to be addressed.

Like many children of pwBPD- ( me too) you were raised to feel responsible for your mother. That's actually backwards. A parent is responsible for their childrens well being until they are able to take that responsibility themselves. Of course, ideally, an adult child should act in caring ways towards a parent, but they still are not responsible for the parent's choices.

It is very difficult, if not impossible, to effectively intervene in an abusive relationship. If you see criminal behavior- it's a crime to assault someone- yes call the police. But it's up to your mother to decide to press charges.

My father, an intelligent and accomplished man, allowed my BPD mother to abuse him. For years, I perceived him as a victim. Yet, she is entirely dependent on him financially and for getting her needs met. Why he allowed her to mistreat him was something I didn't understand. I naively stepped in to "rescue" him when he was in his elder years. I will recommend reading about the Karpman drama triangle. It will explain why this didn't work. While he was a victim of abuse, he also was in this relationship due to his own attachment to my mother. He loved her.

Sadly, I don't think you can intervene much in your mother's relationship. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, and also be an emotional support to your siblings who need to be able to grow up and leave home. This is the natural course of events in life. Emotionally healthy parents want this for their children. You can still love your mother and spend time with her but you can't really rescue her from a relationship she chooses to stay in.

Your mother may resist therapy but you can do it for yourself. I strongly recommend it. Not because you have any disorder but to work on the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. The "normalization" of abuse can be transgenerational. Your mother may have grown up with abuse- it feels normal to her, and so didn't recognize that she was getting into one. This isn't destiny for you, but it's a risk you don't want to take. I have also had to work on this as abuse and co-dependency were normalized for me growing up as well. Therapy with a counselor can help you develop and feel confident with your own boundaries when it comes to your mother- know what you can help with and what you can not.

Keep posting here too- there is a lot of wisdom on this board from the posters who have also experienced what you have.

[Methuen]

Hi 2litersofpure

NotWendy summed this up beautifully.  I just want to chime in and support every point she made.

Your story is a lot for you to process and deal with.  I think you will find a supportive community here.  You don't need to feel isolated and alone any more.  We get it.

After retiring from my career, I worked in a women's shelter for a year.  Abuse is very complicated.  When I worked there, statistics suggested that women who were able to successfully leave an abusive relationship, sought shelter from abuse an average of 7 times to extricate themselves from that relationship. The most dangerous time for them is around the time they actually try to leave the relationship.  It doesn't sound like your mom is anywhere near wanting to leave the relationship.  If that is the case, intervention on your part will be unsuccessful and she will simply return to the relationship, because as NotWendy stated, she is still getting something from that relationship that meets her needs (regardless of what you or others may think about it).  If you ever witness her being assaulted, it is still an offense and for safety reasons calling the cops is the right thing to do.  Your brother did the right thing.  At least there is a record of the assault, even if she decides to go back to him at the end of the 3 months.  Hopefully the 3 months gives her time to figure things out and choose to leave the relationship.  But I wouldn't count on this.  Distance may make the heart grow fonder.  If on the other hand, you and she one day have a conversation, and she clearly states she feels unsafe and wants to leave the relationship, that is a different matter.

Another important point NotWendy made is that BPD is a disease of intimate relationships.  Your story of your mom here really illustrates that.  While she appears to be making unhealthy choices in her personal life (abusive partner, cutting, suicide etc), in her professional life as a doctor it is entirely possible that she functions very well.  In her book Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Shari Manning PhD discusses something called apparent competence in chapter 8.  Your story made me think of this as I just recently finished reading about this.  It might be worth a read or further investigation for you if you are interested, because it explains the phenomenon very well, and you might get a sense of whether or not it could fit with your mom.  Nobody but an expert can say if your mom demonstrates "apparent competence", but your story here made me think of it as a possibility.  Essentially, with BPD, it is possible that a person can function in a highly skilled environment at work, but be unable to transfer those skills to a different environment (eg home).  This is not a choice on their part.  Just like dolphins can't transfer a trick from one tank to the other, BPD's with "apparent competence" can't transfer skills from a specific environment (eg doctor's office) to a difference environment (the home). You know your mom, and maybe this theory doesn't fit at all.

I also strongly support the idea of seeing a therapist for yourself.  I see someone, and it is really helpful.  I only became aware of my mom's BPD at the age of 57.  I've spent the last 8 months immersing myself in learning about BPD to cope with the situation.  Now I'm at the stage where I'm working on "myself".  I consider myself quite a project for self-improvement.  Funny thing is I didn't really see my own issues until I sought help for the crisis I was in because of my mother's treatment of me and her behavior.  The effects are intergenerational.  But before we can start to work on them, we have to be aware of them.  Therapy also helps me cope with my mother.

You can't "fix" her.  You can't "stop" her from making certain decisions you may not agree with.  You are not responsible for her (although she may have trained you to act as if you are).  But you can support your siblings, and you can look after yourself.  Those are the things that are within your control.  

Welcome to BPDfamily.