Confused about how to handle his activities

[Confuseds]

Hi everyone. Please give me advise on what the best course of action would be.

A week ago I found out that my partner have been cheating on me and lying to me for the past 7 months. Although I'm still broken about this I do not want to walk away because he has been diagnosed with BPD even before I knew him. His BPD is quite severe but it has not affected me (or us) much until his cheating came to light. He always had commitment issues but he commited to me because he loves me he says but he has constantly been on the lookout for other woman for the past 7 months and cheated with 2 that I know of in a cold and calculated way. He is renting somewhere else at the moment as he says he needs space and that he needs to sort out his mind before we give our relationship another chance. He says it is going to take time because this time he wants to do it right so that he doesn't hurt me again. He acknowledges what he has done is wrong and said the relationship became too much for him and therfor he made a mistake but he is very cold towards me although we are not fighting. I do not want to turn my back on him because I'm the only one that truly knows what he deals with on a daily basis. I must make it clear that he is a finominal person and this disorder is eating him up inside. Please advise me on the best way to handle this taking into consideration the BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome, Confuseds!

Infidelity, pulling away, those are not uncommon themes with BPD, unfortunately. I’m sure that’s difficult to deal with and I know other members with more personal experience will jump in.

I hope you don’t mind if I ask a couple of questions. You say your partner has been diagnosed. Is he in therapy? Are you? (I ask because I and many others here have found it so helpful — another source of support). Also, have you read much about the disorder? There’s a lot of info here on the site, some of which touches on the very issues you’re talking about.

Without therapy, he’s unlikely to really make long-term changes. I understand your desire to be with him and help him. I’ve been there. (Still am there, really.) But it’s also important that you take care of yourself and really assess what you want and need — what your boundaries are. I know from experience that it’s so easy to lose ourselves in the fog of trying to help them.

I say all that just to emphasize that while getting an understanding of him is important, another key part (and maybe the key) is making sure that you also take into account your own needs and boundaries. If you are strong and secure, the better chance your relationship has.

Does that make sense?