Gone Forever...Again

[red leaf]

It’s quite difficult to decide where to start. I might just start from the end, or rather one of the many ends.

We broke up four months ago, for the fifth time. We’ve been talking to each other throughout the whole lockdown period (ha yes…that was a tough one, too). We saw each other soon after the quarantine measures were eased. No need to go into details, everything’s quite predictable. I decided to set a boundary. ‘I love you, and I love being in touch with you, but I cannot behave like I am your friend with benefits, not after all we’ve been through’, I said. Then, trying to be as calm and strong as possible, I told him not to contact me if he didn’t feel the same: I just needed to breathe, to understand whether or not I could handle the situation. Some ten days after I found out that he started a new relationship with a girl he just met. The icing on the cake: I found it out thanks to the good, old Facebook. I just burnt out. Now, I would lie if I said that this epilogue surprised me. Though it hurts like hell, it is just the last of an endless series of up and downs. He and I were together for more than 5 years.

Since the very moment he started dating me, I was the woman (or should I say girl? I was just 19…) of his life. He loved me, he wanted to spend his whole life with me. Most importantly, it was so good ‘to be with me after his monster-girlfriend had ruined his life’. By that time, I had no idea of what BPD was. All I knew that my life had never been a bed of roses, including my drug-addict ex-boyfriend. To be blunt, I just felt relieved to know that there could be a person in the world who might love me unconditionally. My only thought back then was Carpe Diem.

It wasn’t long until I started realizing that something was not completely right. He changed his mind and his emotions more frequently than I wanted to admit. He used to tell me that everything seemed to be against him and I was the only good thing in his life. His family didn’t help. They were particularly fond of his previous girlfriend and they couldn’t help thinking that I had destroyed their perfect life (Funny thing: years later, I came to know his father cheated on his mother a thousand times and sent the family bankrupt more than once). At the same time, he used to become enthusiastic about new things, a new course, a new acquittance, a new job, a concert. In these occasions, he always tended to temporarily forget about my existence.

I wasn’t able to understand what was going on. I felt confused and I started behaving in a way I didn’t want to behave. I became jealous, I became angry and frustrated, I started being paranoid. I feel ashamed in writing this…but I started loving his unhappiness more than his happiness: I felt like there was no place for me in his happy place, while I was sure that he’d love me with all his heart in his bad times. I wasn’t sharing much of these feelings. I was convinced that everything was my fault, that this person loved me no matter what and he just wanted his fair amount of freedom.

Yes, I put all the blame on me…until he cheated on me two years later. That was the very first time I was able to see his ‘other side’. He just came to me, telling me, ‘it was not just sex, I think I never liked the way our relationship was. I have feelings for this person, and she allows me to feel free’. ‘Freedom’, how many times he used this concept to justify his actions…? He was incredibly cold, he was incredibly calm. They moved together a few days after. I couldn’t help repeating to myself that just the week before he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to spend his all life with me. I went crazy, but that wasn’t enough to prevent me from stopping to blame myself. I was the one incapable to understand. I was the one who didn’t give him enough. But as I anticipated, that was just the beginning.

I decided to move abroad. I had never been quite satisfied with my home country, and I had long planned to do it. He came back. He was sorry, ‘it had all been a mistake’. I remember how he was crying, assuring me that he didn’t want to lose me. He was ready to move abroad with me….but a month later I found out he was still in touch with this woman. I asked him why, and he locked me outside of his house, telling me not to call him again. I took my flight, alone. I started a new life. He had tried to call me many times, but I had never replied. One day he threatened to kill himself. I just HAD to reply. A few days after, he came to visit me. A few weeks after, he moved there as well. I couldn’t be happier, I couldn’t be more blind.

We found a house, but he started doing crazy things. He used to plan his next departure, again and again, making plans that were more and more absurd, spending money, losing jobs, asking for help. But that was not all: he used to tell me that he wasn’t making me happy enough, that I wasn’t able to leave him although I wanted to. None of this was real, even if I was genuinely exhausted. I was busy with my studies, my job, my own mental health. I didn’t know what to do, but I was terrified by the idea that he would abandon me again. However, in spite of my efforts, he did. One day, we had a huge fight. He was STILL talking to the woman he cheated on me with. ‘She’s part of my group of friends, I cannot just stop talking to her’, he said. He had started doing drugs and drinking more than usual. I went on holiday alone, and when I came back he told me that he bought a one-way ticket to the US. He didn’t want this life, he didn’t want me anymore...

No need to say, he changed his mind again. He assured me that he couldn’t live without me, that he just didn’t like this foreign country anymore and wanted to go back…with me. And I did come back! Once again, he started telling me that he wanted to marry me, have children with me, start a therapy. I trusted him, once more. After another month of ups and downs (I told him I didn’t want a child, and that was enough to fill his head with doubts) we moved to a quiet, little town together. This time I knew that I was doing something terribly wrong, but I kept telling myself that I was strong enough to handle the situation. He didn’t have money. His parents and I paid for most of the expenses. I also bought him a motorcycle, since the dream of his life was to ‘have an on the road trip with me’. But things became worse and worse. At a certain point, I asked for help. I went to a therapist. I couldn’t handle it anymore, and his parents were blaming him for having ‘ruined their child’s life’. THAT was the moment when I heard about BPD for the first time.
The therapist was brutally honest: the person I had been with all these years was probably ill, and I had become co-dependant in the attempt of saving him and making him feel safe and loved. The therapy didn’t go on for long: a few weeks later he decided to leave. It was too much for me to cope with. I had lost most of my savings and I had no reasons to be in that empty house. I had to come back to my hometown…to my mother and sisters (the only place I had no intention to come back to).



You know about the rest. I feel drained, used. I feel like this person managed to tear all of my little achievements down, and never took responsibility for this. And in spite of it all, I am sure I would not be able to say no if he came back. I am sure I would fight for him if he asked me to help him and promised me to start therapy. In spite of it all, I love him...I think I loved him in every possible way. We lived moments of pure bliss and pure hope. He was a light in my crazy life…even if, in the end, he made it even crazier.

I don’t know what I am asking right now…I just felt like sharing my experience, since many of the people on this blog seem to have undergone similar experiences. Thank you in advance for reading this extremely long post...I am a writer and I am not that good with summaries, especially when it comes to writing in a language that is not my own. I  wish you a good life, and I hope some of you have already managed to find the strength that I am lacking at the moment.

[grumpydonut]

Hi,

I have been reading this site for a day or two, but this post motivated me to create an account.

Your story isn't the same as mine, but your reaction is eerily similar.

I can't count the number of times I have internally said "I can't do this anymore, she wants too much from me and it's never enough" only to give up more of myself and be hurt again and again by her lies and selfishness. Even now, I still long for her to return to me (despite knowing she's bad for me).

I'm no expert, even on myself, but I think when you continue to do everything you can to help someone only to ultimately be humiliated or taken for granted, something inside you wants to try again and again until you're finally validated. However, as so many exes of those with BPD, these people don't ever validate you or give something back. It's not in their nature.

Just like you said in your final paragraph, I don't know why I write this. Hopefully it helps in some way - even if only to let you know that you're not alone.

[otherlife]

Red leaf oh how similar our stories are, I honestly could have wrote virtually the same words.  I am really sorry you are feeling all this but there is nothing you could have done to make this better without knowing what was going on.   As you stated
"I wasn’t able to understand what was going on. I felt confused and I started behaving in a way I didn’t want to behave. I became jealous, I became angry and frustrated, I started being paranoid. I feel ashamed in writing this…but I started loving his unhappiness more than his happiness: I felt like there was no place for me in his happy place, while I was sure that he’d love me with all his heart in his bad times"
That's how I felt and reacted, I too felt shame and asked myself why did I allow someone to treat me like this.  Although I am still work in progress I think because it made me feel needed, it allowed me to step into my rescuer role which in turn made me feel loved.  I kept thinking if only I did more, if only I could reach him but alas I didn't know what I was up against so just kept hanging on in there waiting for the crumbs off the table.   I was dying myself and in the end, felt that loneliness that many with BDP live with constantly.  I felt that for a good 18 months after, it's so hard trying to reconcile your emotions with your thoughts.  I never felt any anger after our 12 yr marriage ended I didn't have the strength to deal with the pain but I knew deep down that I could not continue, I think we both did. 
I also find it interesting that Grumpydonut stated   
"I'm no expert, even on myself, but I think when you continue to do everything you can to help someone only to ultimately be humiliated or taken for granted, something inside you wants to try again and again until you're finally validated. However, as so many exes of those with BPD, these people don't ever validate you or give something back. It's not in their nature".  I think that's a very true statement Grumpydonut, it's not in their nature because that's what they've been seeking all their lives validation.  How can you give what you never received or learned, it's tragic?  I wonder if  that's what all the projection is about, trying to find something they don't know exists which then triggers the emptiness and for some the acting out as a temporary fill-in whilst living in fear of being abandoned or enmeshed due to the search for the true self.  I dont think I will ever know the answers to these questions but I do know things do get better if your willing to look at reality and face the changes only you can make.  Sadly for many of our ex's they don't have the tools to do that without extensive therapy, which many refuse because of pride or fear.   I know I will carry the scars of this for the rest of my life as I will never forget him but I also know I can't ever be with him or him with me because it was just too painful for both of us.  I hope he is happy in his new life and still hold some fear for him as many on this board say they repeat the same things in each new relationship, I hope not for his sake as he was not a bad person, just someone who was ill. I too want to be happy in my life so continue my work on myself and am busy trying to get back to the person I would like to be not the person I became.  I am getting there but it's not something I know I can rush, its a process I have to go through but thankfully it's getting easier and I still have compassion in my heart, not hate or anger and I will emerge from this stonger and hopefully will never become the person I did become again.  I dont think I will ever have another relationship, I am not looking and now getting along nicely on my own.  I wish you both well in your journey       

[red leaf]

Hi,


I'm no expert, even on myself, but I think when you continue to do everything you can to help someone only to ultimately be humiliated or taken for granted, something inside you wants to try again and again until you're finally validated.

Hi Grumpydonut,

I'm happy to know that, regardless of it being mostly negative, my post encouraged you to share your own experience.

About the validation: so true! You might not be an expert (neither am I), but you put into words a feeling that I've always struggled to identify. Thank you.

Oh, those attempts to 'promote', 'preserve' and 'remember' myself! At a certain point it was not only about him, but about all the people who lulled into believing that 'he was the good one' (most of his friends and family).

I remember the day I tried to speak with his mother about what the therapist had told me. Catastrophe! She just replied that I was hysterical and none of the bad things would have happened if I had managed to 'look after and love his son'.
 

A

[red leaf]

Red leaf oh how similar our stories are [...]  

Hi Otherlife,

Thank you so much for your words. Both you and 'Grumpydonut' shared such interesting points of reflections.

It must have been hurtful to realize that you couldn't go further like that, after so many years.  I've been with this person for half of the time and still, it feels like I'm missing a fundamental part of my life...

I really like what you wrote about drowning in those negative emotions, that is that 'trying to get back to the person you would like to be not the person you became'. And I agree with you...one would like to rush back to some less broken, healthier self, but it's a process. Mine has just started. I must admit that I am afraid of what I might found. Sometimes I cannot help thinking 'Was that really me?' or 'Could I have controlled myself better?' But again...you're right, it takes time, and I still do not really know how to cope with what is happening inside me.

I really hope to find the compassion you talked about. In the meanwhile, I wish you good luck!