She seems to know exactly what to say that will cause me the most distress
Yes. My mom too. How do you think your sister knows this? Has she "learned" this? How?
I have looked into BPD before and previously thought she mustn’t have it because she has been so high functioning in so many other areas of her life
BPD is a spectrum like a lot of other things, and pwBPD can range from very low functioning to extremely high functioning.
most of her friends would never believe me if I ever mentioned some of her behaviours as they have never seen them
I believe a lot of us would be able to say this. I was married for 31 years before my H witnessed my mom verbally assaulting me. She always found me alone somewhere - in the car, downstairs, up town, while I was visiting alone at her house, or once she even came downstairs and attacked me at the bottom of my stairs while my H was upstairs in the kitchen. There was never a witness - until a year ago. After he saw that, I asked him to read SWOE, and suddenly all her behaviors over our 31 yr married life made sense, especially combined with all my personal stories. But even our "son" who knows he gramma very well, doesn't "get it". He sees what he wants, or denies what he doesn't want to see. As you said, until someone (friend or family) actually witness one of their attacks, no one can believe or understand, because what "they see" in the person they know is so different than what
we experience. The pwBPD only dumps on
us. In this way, it's a disease of intimate personal relationships. This is why they can be so high functioning in other aspects of their life such as work, and even social interactions. My mom never dumped on her friends. She dumped on my father and I, and when he died, it was all me, until she got herself a new bf. She used to take turns dumping on him vs me. One of us was always in her bad books. Now he's moving away, so it's going to be all me again.
I guess I’m just trying to find out who else out there might have been through a similar situation and what advice they might have.
It sounds like you've already done a lot of things like educate yourself about BPD and look for strategies which in your words can "help you both". This is awesome. It's actually less about "helping the pwBPD", and more about "helping you" cope with the pwBPD. My advice would be to understand that. You can't actually change (or help) your sister. My mom refused professional help her whole life (and would seethe at any suggestion of it). I see a T, and I'm learning to look after my own needs. I try to eat healthy, be physically active, and practice mindfulness. I try to keep busy in my personal life, so that it's not too easy for my mother to think she can take over my life by consuming me with her needs (she's 84). I've also learned I can't rescue my uBPD mother. Now I use strategies I've learned such as boundaries, SET, asking validating questions, and definitely
not JADEing. And I'm starting to work on my own character weaknesses which could be related at least in part to being raised by her. I don't dislike my mother. I love her. But I really don't feel emotionally safe with her, so I've learned I have to look after myself, because when I don't, I can disintegrate. Another way I practice self-care is by spending time on this forum with other people who "get it".
I wish you well on this journey with your sister. I am glad to hear you can have good times together. That is wonderful.
Always be aware, and wary though, because as you know, it can change abruptly from "good" to vvvv bad. The cycles never stop. We just have to learn how to manage them to keep ourselves healthy. For some people, this isn't possible, and they have to go NC. It's different for all of us, so I think we each have to try some things and figure out what works for our particular situation to cope with the distress that you spoke of.
