need some guidance and support

[bigbang]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this platform.  I am hoping being a part of this community can help myself and my family members.  I have a son who is 16 with BPD. He has been on many meds to address depression, anxiety, OCD, impulse control and emotional dysregulation (question if any of them have actually done much to help at all).  He has had 3 residential treatment stays over the last year and half following 5150 for self harm.  The facilities we sent him to were probably not the right fit for his diagnosis but we were desperate and at the time of crisis had to make the most thoughtful decision we could.  I am divorced.  My ex husband and I are very close and do our best to stay aligned on our parenting.  As you probably all can relate to, we are walking on eggshells nearly every day - every moment never knowing when he will blow up and punch another hole in our wall, get into a fight with his girlfriend because he feels she doesn't love him enough and then threaten to cut himself (which he generally does) or threatens to jump off a roof (which thank God he has not ever tried). He is smoking pot pretty much every day to self medicate.  He hates if we are ever around and wants as much autonomy as possible.  Doesn't really respect us as his parents and kicks back on everything -using aggression/intimidation to get what he wants - and out of fear I often give in. Nearly impossible to set boundaries. He has never hurt anyone personally but when he screams and escalates I feel terrified. He's mean when he is around us.  Tells us to ________ off even at the gentlest things we sometimes say. He does not reach out to friends - actually has few friends in his life mostly because he isolates.   Spends his days in his room with the blinds closed, smokes generally once a day and is on his phone or watching tv. He is a good student having completed last semester online due to his residential stays and pulled really good grades - albiet with a lot of academic support this second semester back in regular school which we're quite proud of him for given this tough year.  He is in a 6-12 month DBT program that has him meeting with a therapist once a week by himself, once with his dad and I and one group session with other families and their teens.  He shows up - but not interested in what they have to teach - s o it seems anyway. He is not honest with his therapist - doesn't tell him when he cuts or how much he smokes -never calls him when in distress even though the therapist is available 24/7. We can't disclose everything to the therapist because he tells him everything we say and historically that has ended really badly because he feels we "tattled" on him or were trying to get him in trouble and then loses it. He's very depressed and with the lack of structure of school/COVID seems to have gotten worse.  He plays lacrosse and is quite a good athlete however this became a stressor as well due to his social anxiety and feelings of being judged.  He weight trains/cardio/boxing 3-4 days a week which he really likes - only thing we can get him out of the house to do. Everything we say gets twisted/ misinterprets everything- he reacts to his illogical belief of what he thinks you said or meant - very illogical thinking.  He lacks insight on some of his behavior - particularly around his girlfriend. Can't ever sit down and have a conversation with him.  He tell us we're annoying and stupid. He's definitely white knuckling through his days right now.  Never really see him use DBT skills. So much more...it's been two years of hell. I am starting to break.  HE is wit me most of the week. His dad thinks we should send him away and I'm the savior that doesn't think that is the answer.  Clearly we need help.  I know there have to be other families sadly going through this somewhere.  What helps?  What are other parents doing to help themselves and help their teen?  Completely desperate for help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Louski]

Big Bang,

I want to start by saying you are not alone. My DD 18 sounds so similar to your son and I am the main caretaker as my husband works out of town half the time and then when he’s home has as little to do with her as possible.
I have no advice as I am going through my own hell and have been for years. There is nothing we haven’t tried and the terror continues. We are now looking for local DBT although it wont have Group since our small town has little to no proper resources. I am looking into getting my daughter disability benefits so she can live on her own as I can’t live like this anymore. So much about our lives has been destroyed.
I just want you to know you are not alone and wish you peace some day.