I'm sorry you're going through this. Know you aren't alone. The checklist of regrets resonates with me. I've been trying to remind myself that nothing would have changed the inevitable outcome. The irony being it seems that the more you step your game up and remain calm, they'll just ramp up their behavior to. From what I've read a lot people with BPD if even subconsciously desire the conflict that usually created the issue in childhood.
Take a look and notice that a lot of these things (I'm struggling with this too) are you putting unrealistic expectations on yourself. Is it good to self examine? Yes. But given what I've read, give yourself a break man. You shouldn't have to be Christ or Buddha to navigate a relationship. You even used the word provocative. That's what these people do. They provoke people.
It's abuse 101. That's the sickening part of people who do things like this. They set you up to abuse yourself far after they've left. It is someone consciously or subconsciously making an effort to spread their pain. Mostly by pushing people with a higher than average ability or willingness to deal with bull
PLEASE READ to the point that literally every living being would react or retaliate. Then point the finger at you. Lack of empathy, friend.
I too have a what if list. While I own my reactions, most of what caused certain reactions I'm not happy with was a result of someone treating me in a way you don't treat someone if you really love them or if you're just mentally well/ considerate. Give yourself some compassion. These people aren't some god or goddess sweeping their judgment upon us as worthy or not. They are at their core a wounded and selfish being, with hope for change, but more often than not nothing substantial.
You noted her beauty, look maybe at why that matters to you. Say you found a piece of
PLEASE READ on the sidewalk. You would hold your breath, step over it, and keep moving without a second thought. If you rolled up the next day and this
PLEASE READ had been covered in gold, diamonds, every gemstone imaginable. Would you pick it up? Would you pine for it? No, because you seem smart enough to realize you would still be picking up a piece of
PLEASE READ.
Odds are man, from what I've seen, it's not as if you never existed to her. These people hold onto EVERYTHING. Mine was still genuinely bothered by embarrassments/ slights she suffered in fourth grade at the age of nearly 30 years old. If you had the stones to cut her out? She remembers bro, rest assured. They will feign things knowing it will hurt you. She could feel all the anger/heartbreak/regret in the world and never show it to you. Because then she'd "lose," childish right?
She tried to put you on her little shelf and you said
PLEASE READ you and jumped to safety. You denied her ego and took your power back in a powerful statement. "I may love you, but I cannot deal with this anymore. You are bad for me." That's a blow to just about anyone. Reap what they sow. A fear of being left, that leads to being left by anyone with a modicum of self respect. That takes courage man, be proud. These people know the most damaging thing is not hate but indifference. But you are in a mental box, I'd almost guarantee it. "The one(s) I was wrong about, the one(s) who cared but I pushed to leave, the one(s) I thought was a doormat/ enabler but was someone who really cared. That's a painful thing to face, especially for someone whose emotions are more or less stuck on 11 all the time. They want you to feel like nothing even if they are feeling everything. Master manipulators.
Accepting in a way the lovebombing/hooking is a mirage is hard to accept. It is why I established hard NC (the let's be friends game is not healthy or normal dude, I'm wary of anyone as far as dating that is actually active friends with an ex. You generally still feel things for them or you never did.) That's the purpose of it. To step back and see the weight of the reality. But you know they're capable of the mirage, thinking of someone getting that is tortuous at times. But it is false. It is just another fish on the hook, as we once were. If it lasts? Either that person is a doormat or someone even more damaging than them. They'll abuse each other miserably into the sunset unhappily ever after. Is that what you want?
You even said yourself, you'd have to change the person you are. The fact you have that solidity of the self is great. You feel genuine remorse for things a lot of people would just simply say "well,
PLEASE READ that person," and walk away with nothing. It says a lot. Even in the face of an abuser you can admit your own faults. Something they'll never do. Something that will ultimately move you forward into better things with a HEALTHIER INDIVIDUAL! Birds of a feather, etc. etc. These people will reap what they sow due.
I've been trying to tell myself how sad it is and how lucky I am to not live a life in fear of love. To the point of destruction of anyone who tries. The pain they leave us can and ultimately will be temporary. But generally these people live with this pain ten/ one hundred fold each day. But ultimately, they choose to submit to their pain. They choose to cowardly run from themselves. They choose to abuse you. They choose to entrench themselves in these patterns of thought. Deep down they know what is right and wrong, like all of us. Wallowing in self loathing justifications like a pig in
PLEASE READ. They know what they are doing. Don't think for a second they don't. Thank whatever you believe in that you aren't like that. Be thankful for the person you are and the person you will become. One able to see the mirage as just another sinkhole as opposed to the oasis we all dream of.
