Question about BPD mom...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys! I haven't posted in quite a while, but I really want some advice. I went no contact with my mom in early April with the advice of my therapist. After years of abuse and the need to take care of my psychological health, I let my mom know very clearly that I was taking a break and wanted no contact with her. This came after so much escalating abuse from her that I felt my health and well being was on shaky ground. Since then, she has left probably 10 or more voicemails and sent me about 30 emails. The emails go back and forth saying she misses/loves me to her saying terrible things about my family and I. She has also reached out to anyone she can on Facebook to tell them I am ignoring her and she doesn't know why (she of course knows why because I told her). She has also sent police to my house because I won't return her calls/emails. Please give me some advice on what to do. I have her calls/emails blocked, but they still show up in the junk folder and I end up reading/listening to them. Every time she tries to contact me, it makes me feel hopeless, scared, and helpless. I realize that I have no control over her actions, but what can I do to protect myself emotionally? I haven't responded to any of her emails/calls. Should I actually send her an email telling her that she is being harassing? I feel like this is harassment because she won't stop after I told her not to contact me. What do you think? One of the Facebook people told me not talking to my mom is "unsustainable" because she is "your mom." That person even knows how abusive my mom is because he was a victim of her at one point. It's so hard! 

[kma79]

Hi guys! I haven't posted in quite a while, but I really want some advice. I went no contact with my mom in early April with the advice of my therapist. After years of abuse and the need to take care of my psychological health, I let my mom know very clearly that I was taking a break and wanted no contact with her. This came after so much escalating abuse from her that I felt my health and well being was on shaky ground. Since then, she has left probably 10 or more voicemails and sent me about 30 emails. The emails go back and forth saying she misses/loves me to her saying terrible things about my family and I. She has also reached out to anyone she can on Facebook to tell them I am ignoring her and she doesn't know why (she of course knows why because I told her). She has also sent police to my house because I won't return her calls/emails. Please give me some advice on what to do. I have her calls/emails blocked, but they still show up in the junk folder and I end up reading/listening to them. Every time she tries to contact me, it makes me feel hopeless, scared, and helpless. I realize that I have no control over her actions, but what can I do to protect myself emotionally? I haven't responded to any of her emails/calls. Should I actually send her an email telling her that she is being harassing? I feel like this is harassment because she won't stop after I told her not to contact me. What do you think? One of the Facebook people told me not talking to my mom is "unsustainable" because she is "your mom." That person even knows how abusive my mom is because he was a victim of her at one point. It's so hard! 

[Turkish]

What was your interaction with the police? Will they return, or have you convinced then that her calls are baseless?

Sorry to hear about that other friend. That must hurt. I deactivated my original account due to my ex-laws. I returned in a new incarnation. Survival and taking control.

[zachira]

Going NC with a mother with BPD is a painful decision and it is heartbreaking when others who know about the abuse you suffered think you should continue to allow the abuse because she is your mother after all. I was Low Contact with my mother with BPD before she died last summer and continue to be Low Contact with my two siblings with BPD. In my experience, going No Contact is not always possible especially if it means having No Contact whatsoever with any of the people in your mother's circle, and possibly continually changing your email address and phone number, moving to a new address, not being able to have contact with some of the people in your mother's circle who you do want to continue to have a relationship with etc.,  I think you do what you can to have as little contact with your mother while continuing to work on not being so hurt by what your mother and others do to make you feel guilty about your decision to go No Contact. Can you delete the emails? It took awhile for me to feel okay just looking at who the email was from, and deleting the emails before opening them.  Can you find a way to quickly end discussions with anybody who brings up your mother? It really bothers me that we are the ones that have to change, work on ourselves, while those with BPD continue the same abusive behaviors, yet there is a silver lining as you become more able to be less affected by what they are doing that hurts you. It is a life long sorrow to have a mother with BPD. I think those of us who have a mother with BPD just want all the pain and violation of our most sacred boundaries to end. We can get to a place that having a mother with BPD has a small impact on us most of the time, and there will always be moments of strong feelings about having this type of mother. I am thinking of you. Please let us know what you need, and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[kma79]

Thanks so much for the replies:-)

Turkish - Ya, the police realized that everything was fine with me. She has called the police to check on me before, and I have explained to them my situation with my mom. It seemed to me that they understood that she has mental health concerns. I'm not sure if they will come back every time she calls them, but she has called the police to check on many of my family members repeatedly without a valid reason, so I think its just part of her trying to have some sort of control?

Zachira - I so much relate to what you wrote. It bothers me so much too that we are the ones who have to put so much work into changing while the BPD family members keep abusing and not changing. It's hard when there is never a realization on the BPD family member's part that what they do is abusive and driving others away. I also agree so much that it is heartbreaking when others try to convince us that we should be in a relationship with an abuser just because they are family. It hurts! It says to me that I do not deserve happiness or hope. I'm working on being able to just delete the emails/voicemails, but it is so hard for me to do! I feel weak when I keep doing it. I so much agree with you that having a mom with BPD is a life long sorrow, and I do so much want the pain to end, but I know this will be ongoing. The main thing I'll try to do is work on trying to be not as affected by what she says/does and find some sort of balance in my life where I am not consumed with this stuff. It's so hard to figure out.

Thanks again so much for responding:-)   

[zachira]

I am glad you feel heard. It is hard to recognize that having a BPD mother is a lifelong sorrow and for me, it has been a major step in going forward.

"The main thing I'll try to do is work on trying to be not as affected by what she says/does and find some sort of balance in my life where I am not consumed with this stuff. It's so hard to figure out."
You have summed up what is probably the biggest challenge of all. My therapist told me to observe my feelings when in the presence of an abusive person, in other words go inward instead of focusing on the person who is trying to get me to take on their ugly feelings. I do this along with working on staying present with my feelings as much as possible, sometimes taking 30-60 minutes to just sit and observe my feelings so no feeling becomes too overwhelming. Clearly there are words and actions of your mother that hurt and upset you more than others. I often post here, give myself extra love and care when my family members with BPD have done something that is much worse than they have done in the past, and I find myself shocked and hurt. There is no way to predict what they will do next. Hopefully, you will come to a point with your mother in which she will give up contacting you for long periods of time, so you can have some real space to heal.

[Turkish]

 It could be control driven by underlying anxieties.