Heartbroken over sister

[Dragonfly59]

I am eldest of 5, 3 brothers and one sister.  All three of my brothers are SMI - severely mentally ill.  My parents were mentally ill as well.  The only other "survivor" from this family, was my little sister.  I am 4 years older and have loved her all of her life.  I grew up to become a therapist (no big surprise here) and have had lots of therapy myself. Over the years, I have felt very close to my sister, bonded by love and pain.  While she demanded a lot of attention about her own issues, I always felt it was my job to be supportive and helpful.  She was doing pretty well for quite a while - she married a professional man, had two children, had nice home.   He left her for another woman, and then she had another 7 year relationship that ended about a year ago.  She began taking Adderall about two years ago for her ADHD.  She has PTSD and on a lot of meds.  Over the past 2 years, she has lashed out angrily at me, for no reason at all.  On several occasions she has shut down all communication, and when she returns to communicating with me, she states she has decided to let it go.  I am constantly shocked and hurt by her new and strange behavior.  After years of pain over our brothers and parents, I've becoming increasingly afraid of her erratic behaviors.  It is truly heartbreaking.  I don't know how to stay open and intimate with her and protect myself from more hurt.  And I can't imagine not having her in my life.  I tried to talk about it with her and she told me her therapist said it was too much for her at this time.  Thanks for taking time to read and I appreciate thoughts and suggestions. 

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. I too have parents, siblings, many relatives with mental illness, and am dealing with the fear of when a sibling, my brother and sister, will lash out at me unexpectedly. I think that you are stuck between a rock and a hard wall, wanting to help your sister while protecting yourself from being mistreated by her. My therapist suggested I try going inside and observing my feelings when being mistreated. I find that has helped along with trying to be as present as I can with my feelings most of the time so not so many feelings build up to the point of becoming overwhelming.
You want to help your sister yet you do not want to enable her. Know that you cannot always prevent her from mistreating you, and having boundaries as to what kind of treatment you will put up from her is important for your wellbeing and also gives her the opportunity to take responsibility for her behaviors.
It is a long painful journey having so many family members with mental illness. Your first duty is to take care of yourself and be an example of how normal healthy people behave, part of which is not tolerating being mistreated. As a therapist, I am sure you are familiar with how family members will demonize the person who recognizes the dysfunction in the family and who tries to change the destructive interactions. From my personal experience, there is no way to predict just how badly we can get treated when we set healthy boundaries with our family members. Hopefully with time and continuing her therapy, your sister will respond more positively to your setting healthier boundaries with her.