How did you take the first step toward leaving?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Dear BPDFamily Community,

I have struggled long enough in a highly toxic, volatile, bewildering relationship with my BPD partner. But my current default mindset is that I do not have the agency to leave. We are too entrenched. He has too much control over me. I am scared of what will happen when I try to leave, and how he will respond after I do leave (Mosaic threat assessment level is mid- to high range).

He is highly intelligent, vindictive and manipulative. Despite my FOG, my intuition tells me I must leave. I am embarrassed that I have not summoned the courage to do so.

It would be so helpful to hear from people who may have been in similar situations, and found the courage to follow through with leaving. How did it happen? What events occurred that moved you into action? Any info would be most appreciated.

(Pls advise if there is an existing thread for this question that I may have missed. Thank you very much.)

[onthewater79]

Dear BPDFamily Community,

I have struggled long enough in a highly toxic, volatile, bewildering relationship with my BPD partner. But my current default mindset is that I do not have the agency to leave. We are too entrenched. He has too much control over me. I am scared of what will happen when I try to leave, and how he will respond after I do leave (Mosaic threat assessment level is mid- to high range).

He is highly intelligent, vindictive and manipulative. Despite my FOG, my intuition tells me I must leave. I am embarrassed that I have not summoned the courage to do so.

It would be so helpful to hear from people who may have been in similar situations, and found the courage to follow through with leaving. How did it happen? What events occurred that moved you into action? Any info would be most appreciated.

(Pls advise if there is an existing thread for this question that I may have missed. Thank you very much.)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey onthewater79, No need to feel embarrassed; many of us, including me, have been in your shoes.  Can you fill us in a little on your current status and history with your partner?  Leaving a BPD r/s is challenging on many levels.  What fears are you concerned about most?

The tipping point for me occurred when things got so bad that two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.   That's a story for another day, but suffice to say I made a decision to leave.  How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  But slowly, slowly.  It all starts with the first step.

LuckyJim

[Kaylina15]

Hi Onthewater,
I'm new here and have been slowly working my way out of my marriage.  But mine isn't as volitale as your relationship sounds. I think perhaps you could call an abuse hotline maybe? If you need to get out right away, they may be able to get you out safely.

If you don't need to rush,  the first thing you should do is try to detach.  Start looking for ways to keep your mind focused on your own health. Meditate, do yoga, go for walks alone if you can. Find something to do independent of your SO. Do activities you like to do. Find yourself again.

It took me two years to finally realize I had to get out. Although he is seeking treatment now, i lived 26 years with his bipolar, alcohol abuse,  and undiagnosed possible BPD. I've had enough and it's too late. The last straw for me was when he asked for a divorce on NYD 2019. I told him i was done playing games.

Good luck!

[onthewater79]

Can you fill us in a little on your current status and history with your partner?  Leaving a BPD r/s is challenging on many levels.  What fears are you concerned about most?

Thanks for the reply, Lucky Jim. Per your question above:


* Have been with partner for three years. Had I known anything about BPD when we met I would have seen all the signs. Went from idolized and thoroughly romanced to devalued and demonized within first six months.

* Partner is not seeking treatment, and probably would not. Highly volatile mood swings. Has threatened violence in the past but not followed through. Sees himself as ultimate victim. Lashes out against anyone who he thinks is being oppositional.

* Living together during COVID has amplified dysfunction. Things cycle faster.

* Partner is spending from my accounts without permission despite repeated protests on my end. Says he is buying survival gear for my benefit. He has a very eschatological perspective at the moment and it is very dark.

* I am not sure what will happen if I try to leave. He has no one else, nowhere to live, really, beyond me. It is possible that it will not be violent, but I am worried about his mental state if I do leave and what he may do to other people. Of secondary concern is the smear campaign I expect after leaving.

Let me know if that is enough context and thank you so much.

[onthewater79]

Thank you, Kayla. It's amazing to hear about your courage to leave after so many years. I am working on this end to address my codependency, acknowledge my FOG, acknowledge I cannot save him, and move forward on a plan. But I feel up against so much right now.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, otw79, for filling us in.  I'm sorry to hear you are so enmeshed with someone so volatile.  I was formerly married to someone like that!  Is it possible for you to start working on an exit plan?  What would that look like to you?  Do you have a family member or close friend who could be your ally in the process?  It helps to have someone you can rely on to help figure out logistics.  Things got so bad in my marriage that I kept an overnight bag in my car for those times when I had to spend a night at the local motel, so I am familiar with hostile situations at home!

LJ

[onthewater79]

Thanks LJ. I do have supportive parents who want to support in me leaving but do not know how. It's my responsibility to tell them how, of course. And I realize I need to take one step at a time. But I also realize that this requires a highly strategic response in the face of a highly intelligent, manipulative and retributive person. Are there checklists or playbooks for leaving that can be adapted to one's unique circumstances?

Many, many thanks.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, otw79,  Right, you need a strategic exit plan.  It's understood that those w/BPD can be incredibly manipulative and vindictive, which is why you should take all necessary precautions to keep your plan a secret.  I am unaware of any particular checklists or playbooks, but there are probably resources out there on the net that might be helpful.  I suggest you share and discuss your plan with your parents or whomever will be by your side as things unfold.  It may seem like a foreign concept, but this a time when you need to put yourself first.

LJ

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi onthewater79,

Here is a safety list that we suggest you take a look at. It's important that you stay safe and have a plan. After you take a look at it, please share with us what your thoughts are, and let us know what some of your ideas are for a safety plan.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

It's tough to leave. The first step is knowing you need to go, but then the next step is to prepare. I had a lot of coaching from my T to prepare. I had a bag that I packed with supplies for a few days, and I kept it at a friend's house. Some people keep a bag in the trunk of their car, but then it would need to be something that your partner would not find. What do you think would work best for you? I prepared for quite a while, and I did finally leave and am safe.

How are you doing?

 
Wools

[onthewater79]

Thank you, Woolspinner. I've taken the day off in part to start working on this. Will review the PDF and write back after I have done so.

[onthewater79]

Thank you all for your support. The situation on the homefront has begun to escalate -- this after continued stealing of money from my checking account, lying that he had done so, and rage that confronted him (calmly) on the issue and I had paid some overdue bills without his consent. I have decided to ask my parents to help move me out, possibly within the next few days. I have completed the safety doc and begun clandestine prep per your advice.

I don't know what moving day is going to look like. I am afraid in that respect. There are no firearms (that I know of) where we live but I fully expect a dramatic scene, even with my parents here. Any advice most appreciated. Thanks.