TL:DR -
- I know and accept the burden and weight I have to bear to bridge the gap between my wife's capabilities and a relationship being worth it
- Is there a point where living in the moment too much becomes setting myself up for failure even though it brings in the moment joy?
- My circumstances make forming another relationship that would be "healthy" difficult. I have no "home"
- I figured out what works for ME but I know it's not "healthy" and it would mean being complacent. As a codependent who's always tried to be better, is it ok to just be complacent?
Typical codependent and I also know what I want from an SO. I also know statistically and realistically it's going to be a loong time and a lot of changes to hit all the marks again in a future relationship.
We're in the middle of a divorce, for the 3rd time, after 4 years. It's almost done with. This time I want it to go through all the way. I am considering trying a relationship outside of a marriage with her. She has a distorted expectation of what a marriage entails, it has gotten better with time though. Last time I got advice on here I was asked if she was someone I would date, before considering trying to make it work again. Absolutely yes, she's perfect to date. We also can't be together 24/7. Being together 24/7 really messes things up. We both knew this and have pro-actively tried to work on ourselves to be able to give space to each other and during covid-19 being cooped up all day, neither of us were able to muster up the mental fortitude to stay away from each other or get a hotel for a day or something. Just a single day could be enough and we're good to go for a couple weeks. Not because of like a fight but for preventative maintenance. I'm an introvert and she's an extrovert. Sometimes I just need my downtime, but otherwise I absolutely enjoy spending all day with her doing nothing or random things (neither of us have to work due to our situation, financially we're set, so there's not much else to do). We are really compatible in that way and can make fun out of literally anything, just each others company is enjoyable. It's only grown more enjoyable after 4 years of marriage.
Anyways, we've always been off and on and on this last try through, it seems like we've both grown a lot. I don't try to be her parent, she gives me personal space. I stopped treating her like a child and she stopped lying to me. We stopped taking things personally. We learned that some hills aren't worth dying on. etc. etc. A lot of just common issues that happen in these types of relationships. A lot of letting go of ego during our breakups, but the covid-19 situation was just too extreme because we didn't have as easy enough opportunity to implement our countermeasures to the issues we have.
I guess my point is, before I consider a relationship again with her outside of a marriage. Should I even really? My reasoning isn't based on fear of not finding something else... I still love her and she loves me. We both know this from when we separated and decided to start divorce. We both play to each others weaknesses with our own strengths. Some things she's not capable of so I just have to bear the burden in closing the gap. I am generally OK with this. We make each other better versions of ourselves. We had mastered the art of living in the moment for the most part. All these key ingredients but then also all the periodic outbursts from her. At this point they're not a big deal to me and I think that's part of why she left this time. It's also why I started my own type of BS during the week leading up to separating. I didn't feel in control because she was more calm this "try again" time around and when she was on her BS I just moved right on through it instead of her being able to get a reaction out of me, which is what she wants when she acts out. I guess we both pushed each other away because it was uncomfortable, something different, the next evolution in our relationship.
Going further into it. Look, I've been a serial dater. I grew up focusing on my career, did that then focused on having an SO. Over all the women I've been with in the past decade, my STBXW, was the only woman I loved. The only woman that's made me feel love. The only one that's not boring, is thoughtful (most times), is smart, I can turn to her for advice, is the most beautiful person in the world to me, we can share any deep rooted personal issues with each other. I never got any of this before and I don't think I will for a long time. I'm not in a situation where I can be compatible with most people. I don't have a "home", I never have, I've always traveled so I don't have roots to build a healthy relationship with someone. I have no financial obligations or struggles which most can't relate with. I have no family or childhood friends to setup a homebase around. I've gained a lot of weight so that's something I would have to work on too if I want to date anywhere near the caliber of my wife (which I was already in the process of, right before covid-19 hit). I'm introverted and a gamer, the most stereo-typically hardest to date crowd. It's impossible to find someone that's even slightly not "normal" to date. I don't have low hopes to be able to find someone, the opposite in fact. My concern is that I can't find someone with the high expectations I have nowadays compared to the past and that I have to change my lifestyle a lot to be able to fit that into a healthy relationship.
So what I mean by complacency is; do I accept an eternal life of outbursts as she continues to grow and mature (especially after this whole divorce thing finalizes) so I don't have to step outside of my comfort zone? So I can keep my "dream woman" + the outbursts? I've tried for years and years before I met my wife. It's just not for me. Society, dating culture, ESPECIALLY dating culture when you don't have a "home". Most people I just don't like. I can get along with anyone under the sun, but everyone always feels so surface level or they're incredibly boring OR it's pulling teeth to keep some type of bond because I give too much (codependency). My therapist said I'm not good with dealing with boring, I'm a person that needs to be challenged and my wife having BPD obviously brings that to the table
. I had already worked on how to be "happy" alone before I met my wife. I don't want to go back to that lifestyle. I know relationships happen when you least expect it, it's how I met my wife, but drudging through life alone again, dealing with stuff that I've already written off as doesn't work for me, does not sound appealing at all. And trust me, I've tried all the hobbies, all the outdoor extreme stuff, traveling, entrepreneurship, socializing, etc. ALL the staples of how people develop "healthy" lives. It's just not for me and I don't want to hold my breath doing that again at this age and point in my life while I wait for another SO to spend my life around. I'm open minded, but I've gotten really good at staying away from things/activities/people that just aren't for me. I'm incredibly simple, I just want to eat, do some daily reading/research, play games and hang with an SO. That's all I need and want for now.
I know my post sounds like I'm bitter and that I'm this "super special person" by not liking "mainstream people" because I'm "better than thou". That I'm putting too much responsibility onto one person. That I need to find happiness within myself before sharing it with someone else. That I don't sound like a healthy individual, that keeps a balance of hobbies, support systems and other efforts. Trust me I know, but I actually do! I know my limits, I know when I need external support and I know when I have to tell my lizard brain to shut up and force myself to go do something I don't like every once in a while (which my wife helps me do that a lot since she's extroverted!) the most important thing of all though, I know what brings me happiness in the moment and that is generally the balance of being around my wife and then doing things by myself on the computer. I am OK with that life, at this point in my life. It will probably change later. But I know if I was with my wife again it would be the bees knees and I could live in the moment again, not have to worry about the future. Is that living the moment TOO MUCH? Am I setting myself up for misery by not nipping the destructive behaviors out of my life now when she leaves again for good in 10 years? I know if I was with my wife again and a year later I was on my death bed, I wouldn't have any regrets. If we broke again for good in 10 years then I was on deathbed in 30 years from now? Maybe, I guess relatively that's a lot of toxicity I chose to keep in my life (assuming my relationship stopped progressing positively) for what might be an even better 20 years of my life afterwards
The thing I've struggled with for the longest time in my life, is doing what works for OTHER people not for ME. I am a codependent so that's all I've ever done! So being upset like this and complaining is a huge step for me. But I also feel like being complacent is a "bad" thing. and because I've finally found out that I should do stuff for ME, I have no clue what to do since I lived so long for what other people said had to be done. I'm literally walking on sunshine if I just have my computer and can hang out with my wife doing nothing or everything. I was happy with that setup and so was she. She's already reached out to me a couple times during the divorce but I've kept my distance. Me and my therapist suggest that I need to close this "marriage" chapter to be able to effectively move onto the next chapter.
Notes: I've done therapy over a few years, basically for coping with my wife and codependency, no other issues. She's done DBT and a couple other in and out patient programs. She has always been in some type of therapy since a young age so she's still has a higher chance to grow out of a lot of behaviors.
