BPD MIL. She always said 'my son and I are one'

[Larlie]

Hello,

I am new to this group and would like to tell my story. 3 years ago my husband and I got married. He is the youngest child and has 4 other siblings. All are married and living separate. My husband was living together with his Mother and I joined them when we got married as she is a single parent in her 60s.
In the first few weeks things were going okay she seemed very happy with me being her daughter in law but soon things started changing bit by bit she started scolding me, blaming me for tings I hadn't done. Calling me names.
She always said 'my son and I are one', 'I am the body, he is the soul', 'our bond is very special, no one can come in-between us'. Occasionally she also made sure to tell me that no other woman would ever come to steal her boy away and dump her aside after she has raised him as a single parent for 30years and 'given her life for him.' I have always been a quiet and respectful girl, who never answered her back even though her words would sometimes break me. She used to say things about my family that which was very hard for me to hear yet I stayed quiet. She also used to scold me calling me things like dog, dirt. On a few occasions she called my family as well to say the most horrible things about me. Even in front of her other kids she used to say these thing about me and they used to say to her that they don’t see a fault in me and that she is wrong. She used to say things to my husband and me like ‘Watch your happiness will become unhappiness’ and ‘watch God won’t grant you children’ and she told my husband several times to divorce me because I’d never be able to give him children. She never let my husband and I go anywhere together without causing a scene or picking a fight with him afterwards. In the beginning of marriage she always used to make clear to me that her son is very special to her that he is her soul her everything.She also used to say no woman can take him of her. When she saw us happy together she all of a sudden changed and both me and her son were portrayed as the worst people living on the earth. She started calling him names and telling him he is a bad son as well and that she gave up her life for him as she never remarried after having him and leaving his father and she worked very hard to give him lots of expensive things. So he is overwhelmed with this guilt. Eventually my husband and I moved out, yet out of guilt he kept going to sleep there every other night because she said to him what kind of man leaves his mother in old age that raised him her whole life for a woman that came in his life yesterday. I was patient with it all. Then I fell pregnant and we didn't tell her because of the scene she would cause. She found out about the pregnancy and kept forcing us to go to the divorce office really crying and being hysterical to her son that something would happen to her if he didn't relieve her from this stress.
He is always so worried for her health that he even went to the divorce office but never filed for a divorce. If she had pushed just a little bit harder I believe he would have, eventhough for him it would've just been to save her life. that's what she made him feel. I was pregnant at the time. Then he had a serious talk with her saying she would loose her son and grandchild if she doesn't stop. he made clear that if this goes on he would leave her and that he is not divorcing.
So after that what she did was after a while say I have changed I want you to move back with your wife and when the child is born move back. My husband, seeking/needing her approval of him his whole life was so happy to hear that and has since always asked me to move back. She is kind to him now and doesn't say anything when he mentions future plans whereas before she would've meddled in straight away. He is so so convinced that she has changed. We've had so many arguments about this he says to at least try and that her health is poorly and that even though he has other siblings he is the one who has a special bond with her and he wants to be the one to look after her till the day she dies. He is a very kind and loving husband we get on very well but have always had arguments about his mother. Especially as since we moved out he still kept going to sleep there because he was always worried about her health.I was patient and understanding about it. He has now said to me either move back or I don't see our future working out. We now have a 3month old daughter and he is willing to sacrifice our little family for the sake of his mum saying he wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing he abandoned her in old age. I keep explaining to him that its not abandoning, he can look after her I would never stop him but that he has to share the responsibility with the other 4 and that I would even help him in taking care of her but that I can't live in the same house as her. For me its very difficult to let go of the past as she treated me very badly and kicked me out her house herself then in pregnancy forcing us to divorce and manipulate her son by abusing her health condition. And now especially having a baby I don't want the baby to grow up in that environment. But my husband says she's changed. He now moved in with her because 'her health is poorly' and left me the choice to join or then end it. I keep telling him he is the one breaking up our little family by leaving me and the baby like that to go live with his mother. But he says no I am asking you to reunite our family but you're the one who is giving up and the one who would be the cause of a daughter growing up separated from her father. His mum keeps saying to him all I want now in old age is seeing my son and his children in front of my eyes, Im not interested in interfering anymore. What should I do I am so confused, he keeps saying im the one deciding for their future whereas I see it as you chose the day you decided to go back to live with your mother.

[Methuen]

Oh Larlie, I am so sorry for what you have suffered, and are still suffering.  I am thankful that you have found your way to this site and this forum.  You will find a LOT of support on this board, because we are a community of people who understand your experience, since we also have pwBPD in our life.

What you suffered when your MIL was living with you is called abuse.  Calling you names like dog and dirt is abuse, as is much of the other treatment you described.  It sounds like you tried to be an incredibly patient and understanding person, but as you now know, this does not work with BPD.  It will never work, and she is never going to change.  Your H wants to believe "she is better", but that won't happen unless she accepts professional help.   Instead, for your own emotional safety and mental health, setting "boundaries" with her are a necessary skill to use.  A clear boundary is not calling someone a dog.  That is dehumanizing and just wrong.  It sounds like your H has trouble setting boundaries with his mom.  Does that fit?

As I was reading the beginning of your story, I was wondering how your H fit into all this.  I was hopeful that he was supportive of you, and healthy enough to manage his mother's behavior.  However, it sounds like his mom has "got to him", and he is very enmeshed with her, and has intense guilty feelings, so he makes decisions (about where to sleep for example), with his emotions, rather than with rational thinking.  Three in this marriage doesn't sound like it is working for you, and that means "it's not working".  If the arrangement doesn't work for all 3 people, then it doesn't work.  A healthy marriage is based on mutual respect, equality, and kindness amongst other things.  If he is giving you an ultimatum to either move back with him and his mother, or end your marriage, that is not "equality".  

Right now it sounds like he can't see what is wrong with this picture.  He has his own way of seeing things, and perhaps it's a bit distorted because she raised him to be her emotional caretaker.  Earlier in your marriage, did he approve of his mom's behavior towards you when she called you a dog or dirt?  Has he ever disapproved of any of his mother's words or behavior against you?  

When she said things like " 'my son and I are one', 'I am the body, he is the soul', 'our bond is very special, no one can come in-between us'," what did your H think of that?  If it made him feel like he was "special" to her, that is a real concern.  If he was uncomfortable with it, that would be a healthier response.  Those are not healthy messages to be saying to an adult son, or to you.  The person who says those things is not an emotionally healthy person in my opinion.  It sounds like in the beginning of your marriage, he had healthier boundaries with his mom, but it sounds like he is not supportive of your needs right now (?), and the arrangement with his mom is not working out for you.  To be perfectly honest, I can't see this working out happily for anybody...when MIL is abusive...

Do you think he would be willing to see either a marriage counsellor, or a family counsellor who has experience with BPD? You could word it as something you need, rather than something heneeds. If he thinks he is being blamed, he will probably refuse, but if he thinks it could help you and he might also benefit from you being helped, he might be more open to it.

If he refuses to see a counsellor/therapist, you could still see one for yourself if this is a possibility for you.  They absolutely MUST have experience working with clients with BPD, and their families.   If this is not an option, you will also find a LOT of really good support here.  Are you familiar with all the information and resources about BPD on this site?

You could also speak with your family doctor.  I found my family doctor very helpful at validating what I was experiencing with my uBPD mom.  He told me all the things I needed to hear, including that my mom's behavior wasn't normal, that it was abusive, and that I needed to start looking after myself.  

Seek support from any knowledgeable professionals you can.  

Also, do you have family?  Do you have a family member who understands what you are going through?  If yes, are they helpful, or unhelpful?  Sadly, sometimes family members are not helpful because they don't understand BPD.

Let us know how we can be most helpful.

[Larlie]

Hello,  thank you so much for your reply.


Right now it sounds like he can't see what is wrong with this picture.  He has his own way of seeing things, and perhaps it's a bit distorted because she raised him to be her emotional caretaker.  Earlier in your marriage, did he approve of his mom's behavior towards you when she called you a dog or dirt?  Has he ever disapproved of any of his mother's words or behavior against you?
My husband is a very kind and loving husband and has always been good to me. Only when it comes to his Mother I feel like he is being very unjust.
When we were living together because I never answered her back, he always used to speak out and tell her how wrong her behaviour is and have many arguments with his Mother when she called me names or did things that were unacceptable. Not only him, also his other siblings had many arguments with her to make her realize she's wrong but it all didn't help.
All we were left with was arguments and drama on a daily basis and the more my H spoke out for me the more she blamed me saying I took her son away from her and was turning him against her, and ruining their special bond. which was not true. My H always said that it's not true and tried to make her see that but she didn't. Whenever she got the chance she would make sure to tell me that it's Her son and She should and will always come first in his life because she's worked for him her whole life to give him everything as his Father wasn't in the picture.


   It sounds like your H has trouble setting boundaries with his mom.  Does that fit?

Yes, this is true. He does have difficulty setting boundaries. To me now my H, our child and I are one family unit that should have its set boundaries and I feel like he isn't protecting the boundaries of that unit. He brings his Mother in our bubble of 3 which isn't her place.
We went to speak to someone once who said your Mother in her actions and words behaves like a jealous wife not a Mother. That is exactly how I felt she was behaving too, which isn't healthy.
He truly wants to believe she has changed and that she won't interfere or behave badly anymore and he is asking me for months now to give it a try and that there will be clear set boundaries and he will have like a behavioral contract with him mom stating which behavior is not acceptable and if it doesn't work out at least we've tried. But I jus don't have the energy to go trough that again. I feel very uncomfortable even thinking about it, especially now that I have child to look after. Also I know telling her what she can or cannot do in her own house isn't going to go down well with her I know and I don't feel that's right for me or us 'youngsters' go to someones house and tell them what they can or can't do. To me having separate housing is that boundary. Also I now realize that my husband really doesn't see the problem, as you wrote he is so enmeshed with her that he just doesn't see it. He doesn't see how mentally ill she is.He says she is a lot calmer now. Yes, I can imagine that she is much calmer now because the threat, his sons wife, isn't there, so she has nothing to be hysterical about as long as he is there with her . He really believes she has changed. And I know people might say well if you're so convinced she hasn't changed then why don't you give it a go it'll fail any way and then his eyes will open, but I can't  because I can see how difficult it is for him to set boundaries while we have separate housing, then what is it going to be like when we are living together. What also scares me is she has also always said if this 'special' son of mine had children they would be so special to me I've always wanted my son and his children to be with me in front of my eyes daily; So I am very scared for my daughter to be subject to this unhealthy attachment.This is why even though I love my husband dearly I don't even want to give it a try. Also his way of forcing this onto me makes me feel angry and upset and makes me feel he doesn't consider my feelings or what I've been through at all. 'She has changed, so now you need to forgive and get over it and follow your husband and be by his side as I've always been by your side too always sticking up for you and speaking up against my Mother for you' is his current mindset.






As I was reading the beginning of your story, I was wondering how your H fit into all this.  I was hopeful that he was supportive of you, and healthy enough to manage his mother's behavior.

He tried, but she started calling him names as well and making him feel likes the worst son alive. Which was very very difficult times for him


However, it sounds like his mom has "got to him", and he is very enmeshed with her, and has intense guilty feelings, so he makes decisions (about where to sleep for example), with his emotions, rather than with rational thinking.

Yes, his guilt is so so intense and nothing I say can change that. He himself keeps saying she has worked hard to provide for me lost her health over it and favored me over her other children and always given and bought me everything I want as a single parent and now I have to look after her (he has been hearing this since childhood that's why its so engraved). If anything happened to her and I wasn't there I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I always tell him so did my Mom she tried her best too to give us a good education and provide etc but that she doesn't now expect me to give up my own life for her but that in old age I will take up the responsibility of looking after together with my brother and sister. I tell him I will help him in looking after his Mother but I can't live with her because that doesn't help me it just makes me mentally unstable as well, I lost my confidence and started doubting myself so much in those 2 years of living with her. It's just not healthy. I try to be understanding and tell him it's ok if he wants to go and sleep there but that he has 4 other siblings and they can take turns so that he can have time with his own little family as well. But he says that doesn't work for him. and that he feels like because he has a special bond with his mother that the other dent have he feels like an only child. for the past months he tried sleeping one night here one night there but he says that's not a living so he chose to go and live with her permanently as he feels guilty that she has health issues and someone needs to be there for her. He says she is old something can happen to her, but you are young and are a great Mom to the baby so I worry less leaving you alone than leaving her alone. But I am hoping you will join me. Me, now being a Mom myself am not comfortable with that and I want to be available for my child mentally physically and just be mentally healthy for myself too.

Three in this marriage doesn't sound like it is working for you, and that means "it's not working".  If the arrangement doesn't work for all 3 people, then it doesn't work.
 A healthy marriage is based on mutual respect, equality, and kindness amongst other things.  If he is giving you an ultimatum to either move back with him and his mother, or end your marriage, that is not "equality".  

It might work if he could just see us as well and not just his Mother. And if he agreed to living separate or at least letting us live separately. That for me is the boundary. I could go over anytime and help out anytime, but whenever I feel, I can come back to my own peace and quiet.but for him that is not an option he says you're my wife you're supposed to be with me, by my side, support me, follow me. When I try to explain to him the damage those 2,5 years have done to me he says but she has changed now I can guarantee you that, she just wants peace and comfort now in her old age. I don't believe she can change though. On many occasions in the past she has misused her health to get her way. When she was forcing us to divorce she really cried and cried and was hysterical like a child every day and made it sound like her life and health depends on this decision if he will listen to her or be a disobedient son. And he felt so guilty that if anything happens to her because of this it'll be my fault so he then made me to go to the divorce office with him. Thats how far it goes. And on the way there I was crying and screaming how he could even consider this and do this to me when I'm 8w pregnant and I toldd him if you do go through with it our marriage for me is over.
when we lived  with his Mother on a few occasions after an argument she would also just leave the house in the middle of the night in the dark and drive/walk off then she would go to the hospital to have her blood pressure checked as she says it was too high. But as soon as she left she would switch off or not answer her phone leaving all her kids worried on purpose. Not knowing where she is my H used to drive to all hospitals closeby to go and find her. and call around then either he would find her at the hospital or after a while she would answer the call. And he would bring her home.
I am also scared she will misuse her health use it as a reason for having my daughter close to her 'I feel much better when I see her all the time, hold her all the time'. After 1 whole year of not seeing her after the baby was born we went to see her to show her the baby. She was calm to me but was just focused on the baby which was fine but then as she was playing with her she said 'you're my diamond, you're my soul' and that really freaked me out. I a scared that she will make my daughter her object of focus and reason for being if I lived there and my husband would just see it as 'my poor old mother all she wants is to be close to the baby, she loves her so much' and he wouldn't be able to set boundaries.

We moved out a year ago, well things got so intense that I had no other choice but to pack my bags as she was on a holiday and she kept calling all her kids saying I am alone here and I am ill but I'm not coming back home as long as she is here I don't feel comfortable with her there.
She was hoping I had gone back to my family and had left her son, but we had rented an apartment on the quiet instead where I lived separately. He was with me during the day but then went to sleep there at nighttime. I was also pregnant at the time. When she found out that I hadn't left and we were still together she was hysterical and demanding the divorce. She sent some very mean audios too saying her son is still living at home with her and that that should make it clear to me that he has chosen his Mother over me and that I shouldn't keep chasing him like a dog if he has made his choice clear. That I should have some self worth and shame.
Then she rang my Mother to say her son wants to divorce me but I am clinging on to him like a dog and that he is living with his Mother but only comes to me occasionally for pleasure. My Mother was very angry and confused because I had spoken to her the day before saying everything was fine. I told my family we were living separate but I never told my family that he went to sleep at his Mothers because I didn't want to make matters worse when they got angry and started to interfere because I knew whatever they would say or do, she would turn it around put the blame on them. And my H too. Because my mother and his mother never got on before our marriage whenever my Mom is involved he says his Mother has been behaving like this for 2 years to get back at my Mom for not being nice to them before the wedding. And that makes me so angry because that sounds to me like he is trying to justify his Moms behavior. My Mother never called anyone names or anything like that she just wasn't happy about the person/family I wanted to marry into and so wasn't very cooperative in the wedding planning.



  

When she said things like " 'my son and I are one', 'I am the body, he is the soul', 'our bond is very special, no one can come in-between us'," what did your H think of that?  If it made him feel like he was "special" to her, that is a real concern.  If he was uncomfortable with it, that would be a healthier response.  Those are not healthy messages to be saying to an adult son, or to you.  He says I am special to her we have a special bond that she doesn't have with her other children. She has always made clear to her other children as well that he is her special one. E.G if she would give all children money, she would give each child 100 and him a 1000.
She has always done more for him and she even says when I pray I pray for all my children but a bit extra for him.  And the other children, all adults and married also know and feel she favors him over them and have accepted that. Their relationship with their mother isn't as tight as his. And she says they don't care about her and she doesn't feel comfortable with them. Only with him.
My H says he knows its wrong to favor one child over the others, that he would never do that to his children, but still he does feel the special one. One soul.

Do you think he would be willing to see either a marriage counsellor, or a family counsellor who has experience with BPD? You could word it as something you need, rather than something heneeds. If he thinks he is being blamed, he will probably refuse, but if he thinks it could help you and he might also benefit from you being helped, he might be more open to it.
The divorce counsellor listened to our story and said to him you don't need a divorce you need help for your mother and maybe you should go yourself as your mom won't go and he gave him a number of a therapist instead. But my husband never went.
This was a total stranger to us, he saw it for what it was straight away.




You could also speak with your family doctor.  I found my family doctor very helpful at validating what I was experiencing with my uBPD mom.  He told me all the things I needed to hear, including that my mom's behavior wasn't normal, that it was abusive, and that I needed to start looking after myself.  

Seek support from any knowledgeable professionals you can.  

Also, do you have family?  Do you have a family member who understands what you are going through?  If yes, are they helpful, or unhelpful?  Sadly, sometimes family members are not helpful because they don't understand BPD.
My family has tried to be supportive of me but many times do not understand and they just reply to me in frustration because they can't understand why and how I am putting up with such unjust behavior.  My family is always there for me but I have hurt them as in the past as weve been brought up to be honest but I have kept things from them like that I am living by myself. This came to light when my MIL called my Mum to twist and tell it. They get frustrated  and don't know why I put up with the abuse and injustice. From the Mother first, but also now from my husband as he let me sleep alone for a year even during pregnancy and now that he is setting this ultimatum. They say a person that puts up with all this and is still there has totally lost him/herself. No one would they said.
Sidenote: this will be shocking to you, I have a Masters degree in clinical psychology and have worked in psychiatry for a few years. Which is why I recognize this behavior and also understand what it is and understand what's going on with my husband. But the 2 years I was living there I was so so down and lost all my confidence that instead of sticking to what I know I started doubting myself and questioning myself. It's been very difficult for me. I just don't want to go through it again

[Larlie]

To me, him setting this ultimatum that 'I need to be with my mother and if you decide not to follow I am ready to leave you and our child if necessary' shows how enmeshed with his Mom he really is. He doesn't see his child nor wife. He is willing to risk losing his wife who he is happy with and his daughter who he adores, over his Mother. And he says I will be hurt either way but atleast if I stay with my mother and look after her till one day she's gone I will not have the guilt that I wasn't there for her. Even If it means that I sacrifice my own happiness and am a divorced man.He doesnt see how unjust this is to me and his daughter

[Notwendy]

Are there any cultural differences between you and your H? You don't need to post any information that might identify you. I think all cultures have a principle of respecting parents, but having an elderly parent live with the adult children can vary.

That said, your H being this enmeshed with his mother is not ordinary. However, if his family has the tradition of caring for and living with an elderly parent, he could feel a lot of guilt for not doing that.

Many of us here grew up as emotional caretakers for a parent with BPD. When a child grows up with this, we don't have a good idea of "normal". It's all we know as children. As adults we have to sometimes learn more emotionally appropriate ways to relate to others. However, this is on us- we have to do this work. A spouse can not do this for us.

Sadly, it seems a pwBPD can "split" a family. My BPD mother sees people as either on her side or not her side. If she decides you are not on her side, she rallies people in her circle to "her side" . It's horrible to think a person would be in the position to choose between her and another cherished person in their lives.

It takes a lot of stregnth to stand up to a parent with BPD. Their behavior can be difficult to withstand. For your H, I imagine it triggers all kinds of childhood fears. He should not have to choose between his mother and you. I'm sure he cares about you both. But this is the situation he is in.

Consider that you are not able to change him - if he wants to change these dynamics, he needs to be the one to do it and to be motivated to do it. I think when there is a pwBPD, the person in this situation might choose the path of least resistance. Likely you have not been as difficult to deal with as his mother is. Perhaps he is hoping you will concede and thinks you are more likely to than she is.

Basically, he wants it both ways. He won't compromise his choices, but he's asking you to compromise yours- you pay the cost of his choice- if you concede to this emotional threesome with his mother. He won't have to choose if you are willing to be unhappy and compromise your wish for a marriage to him- not him and his mother.

That is your dilemma- a choice passed on to you, and it's hard. I agree with the advice to go to therapy for some support in this if you need to.

[Methuen]

the more my H spoke out for me the more she blamed me saying I took her son away from her and was turning him against her, and ruining their special bond.

 This seems to fit with BPD because it sounds like she saw you as taking H away from her, right?  So the more he supports you, the more threatened she feels, which translates to more fear she feels that she will "lose him" because he married you. Therefore she triangulates (Karpman drama triangle).  She sees herself as a victim needing to be rescued by her son.  You would be the persecutor which is why she feels justified in treating you so bad.  It's terribly distorted thinking, but the disease is terrible.  

My H always said that it's not true and tried to make her see that but she didn't.

Honestly, his saying this would probably make it worse   because she would feel invalidated.  Trying to explain, argue, justify, or defend you (JADE)  is likely to result in escalating behaviors from her as she continues to feel even more threatened.  Instead of JADEing, are you and H familiar with SET?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

JADE: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.20
Validate vs invalidate: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

He says she is a lot calmer now. Yes, I can imagine that she is much calmer now because the threat, his sons wife, isn't there, so she has nothing to be hysterical about as long as he is there with her . He really believes she has changed.

yes to this.  He is seeing what he wants to believe, rather than the truth. It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation now, and it sounds like you have very rationally thought through all the angles.  Good for you!

He himself keeps saying she has worked hard to provide for me lost her health over it and favored me over her other children and always given and bought me everything I want as a single parent and now I have to look after her (he has been hearing this since childhood that's why its so engraved). If anything happened to her and I wasn't there I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

As you know, this is called FOG.  

He says she is old something can happen to her, but you are young and are a great Mom to the baby so I worry less leaving you alone than leaving her alone.

This is super unhealthy thinking, especially when it means sleeping in her house rather than sleeping with you.

When she was forcing us to divorce she really cried and cried and was hysterical like a child every day and made it sound like her life and health depends on this decision if he will listen to her or be a disobedient son. And he felt so guilty that if anything happens to her because of this it'll be my fault so he then made me to go to the divorce office with him.

I am also scared she will misuse her health use it as a reason for having my daughter close to her 'I feel much better when I see her all the time, hold her all the time'.

Your concerns about how she will use your daughter to manipulate your son and have her own emotional needs met are valid.  I think you are wise to see this.

she kept calling all her kids saying I am alone here and I am ill but I'm not coming back home as long as she is here I don't feel comfortable with her there.

So on the one hand, she is telling your son she doesn't want to come back to her home as long as you are there.  On the other hand, your son is giving you the ultimatum to live in her house, or what...leave the marriage?  That sounds like a no-win situation.  

Then she rang my Mother to say her son wants to divorce me but I am clinging on to him like a dog and that he is living with his Mother but only comes to me occasionally for pleasure.

The divorce counsellor listened to our story and said to him you don't need a divorce you need help for your mother and maybe you should go yourself as your mom won't go and he gave him a number of a therapist instead. But my husband never went.

The actions of this divorce counsellor probably were not helpful.  It doesn't seem like they picked up on the BPD.  You could still try to communicate you would like help again by saying "I'm not doing well right now.  I really  need some help for myself, and would like to see a counsellor.  Will you come with me?"  How he responds to that request may give you some information.

I have hurt them as in the past as weve been brought up to be honest but I have kept things from them like that I am living by myself.

 Do you think the fact that you were hiding it was because of embarrassment, or even shame?    I can see they might be disappointed after the shock of the phone call from MIL, but really, you were just trying to handle the situation the best you could, without troubling them right?  Is talking about it more with them now something you would be comfortable with?  If you were to disclose the full scope of the problem to your family, would they forgive under the circumstances and stand by you, no matter what?   I'm just wondering if you think your family could be a strong backbone of support for you, or if you may have to find your support in other places (if you are not sure you can count on them).

They get frustrated  and don't know why I put up with the abuse and injustice.

Is this because they don't know about the BPD?  BPD is a severe mental illness, so I'm wondering how much they know, or how much you even want to tell them.  Honestly, even if they knew about it, I think most healthy people would have real difficulty understanding it if they don't have to live with it.  

Sidenote: this will be shocking to you, I have a Masters degree in clinical psychology and have worked in psychiatry for a few years. Which is why I recognize this behavior and also understand what it is and understand what's going on with my husband. But the 2 years I was living there I was so so down and lost all my confidence that instead of sticking to what I know I started doubting myself and questioning myself. It's been very difficult for me.

Actually I'm not shocked.  Don't blame yourself.  It just shows how this can happen to anyone.  You were in love with him.  You trusted him.  It's difficult to forsee something like this until it's happened and you've experienced it.  Don't blame yourself.  It won't be helpful.  Just work on how to move forward from here.

What do you think about therapy for yourself?  Your situation is complicated especially since a child is involved.  A really good therapist with solid experience with BPD, would support you to find clarity again, especially after MIL has been messing with your self-confidence and abusing you the past several years.  Even if H won't go with you, you could go for yourself.  Is this an option you could consider?  We at bpdfamily are here too!
 

[Larlie]

This seems to fit with BPD because it sounds like she saw you as taking H away from her, right?  So the more he supports you, the more threatened she feels, which translates to more fear she feels that she will "lose him" because he married you.
Yes, this is exactly what was going on.

 Instead of JADEing, are you and H familiar with SET?
No,we weren't equipped with the right tools to deal with it properly. I dealt with it by staying quiet, never answering back or arguing even when I knew she would twist things or even lie. But because of keeping it all in, I made myself sick, I used to wake up every morning with like panic attacks not looking forward to the day and even being scared to go down and see what mood she was in. I lost my confidence badly, I remember saying to my husband, all these things she is unhappy with, and she complains about, let's try to live exactly the way she wants, maybe the arguing will stop then.E.G She used to argue about everything, like that we went to sleep too late (1 AM, sometimes 2, because we would sit with her all evening till she went to sleep at 11PM and that was the only time then that we could just watch tv or relax together as H and wife. And then she would in the morning make an issue about us waking up late, well I never woke up that late, I'd always be down by 8.30 to set breakfast, but it was late in her opinion), My husband dealt with it by trying to make her see the reality of things, by arguing, by trying to make a point. That always backfired so I used to say to him to just stay quiet, but it's like the more you stayed quiet the further she would go, pushing the boundary beyond limits to just get an explosive reaction in return. On a few occasions my husband really lost his cool and shouted at her, but because she knew how to push his buttons so badly and calling him names and saying he's not a man etc, he tried to stay quiet, she pushed even harder, he lost his cool, then she victimized herself saying he is a disrespectful son and shouted at her and how wrong he was for disrespecting her like that after she had raised him for 30 years and did everything for him and so the cycle would repeat itself. Then she used to ask me in front of him 'have you ever spoken to your mother in such a manner, I know you would never shout at your mother like that'. She also kept a book in which she wrote all the 'wrongdoings' her son had done to her. She wrote down the exact day, time, everything.



yes to this.  He is seeing what he wants to believe, rather than the truth. It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation now, and it sounds like you have very rationally thought through all the angles.  Good for you!
But how can I make him realize this? Sometimes I thought, perhaps I should go back and give it a shot just so that when it fails, which I am convinced it will, but just to show HIM that she hasn't changed. But then I thought I have a baby now, I can't go through that again, she needs a fit Mother and I would be doing her injustice. Also that fear of my MIL making my daughter the object of her healthy attachment, I can't go back, not for my daughter. Not even to prove him wrong. Also his setting the ultimatum hasn't helped me to be cooperative. It has hurt me tremendously. But I realize he is so in his own/her thinking that he doesn't realize things. Whether our marriage works out or not, I would still want him to realize this and want to help him because he will always be the Father of my daughter and I want him to have a healthy mindset. He doesn't want to go to therapy with me. And now that his Mother is 'calmer' he doesn't want to think she has a mental illness either. So how do I help him get out of it? Sometimes I think as long as his Mother is there he will not realize. Is this the case? No matter how much she has hurt me, I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, because she is his Mother. I just want him to see reality. The feeling I get is that he always starts off with his own mindset, but then he ends up with her mindset. It's like she pulls him back into her web. He tries to get out, sometimes he is able to pull out just a bit, but as soon as she sees it happening she will pull him back in. Whether its with just talking to him, whether its using guilttrips, or victimizing herself or exaggerating when it comes to her health. Does his not seeing all this mean that he has BPD too? Because he does things and then blames others too. e.g:  He gave me the ultimatum either live with my Mom or we will divorce, then packed his bags to go and live with his Mom (because he says she is ill and needs support and he needs to be there to look after her), and he expects me to follow. He says if I don't follow, I am responsible for our child not being able to have her father in her daily life and that I broke up our little family. Whereas I see it as 'you made the choice to leave, being separated from your daughter is the consequence of your choice of leaving us behind

Your concerns about how she will use your daughter to manipulate herr son and have her own emotional needs met are valid.  I think you are wise to see this.
I can't do this to my daughter or myself. I've experienced firsthand how easily a person can lose themselves because of living with someone with BPD, I can't risk it for my daughter. I am also fearful because I know there is genetic and environmental factors. My daughter will have part of the genes, so I find it even more crucial for her to have a stable environment and to protect her.

Do you think the fact that you were hiding it was because of embarrassment, or even shame?    I can see they might be disappointed after the shock of the phone call from MIL, but really, you were just trying to handle the situation the best you could, without troubling them right?  Is talking about it more with them now something you would be comfortable with?
It was not shame, it was an attempt to not let the situation escalate even further because we were already having so many problems on his side of the family, if I would have told my side of the family, that would've added more pressure for me because I knew they wouldn't understand where her behavior was coming from they would only see her as an evil, jealous person and that wouldn't help me in trying to be more understanding. I was trying to be understanding and patient and to be there for my H. I thought this is something between my H and I, Ill try to figure it out myself'. I have full support from my family, and they do see that she has mental health issues because they can clearly see her behaviour is not normal, but still they will always hold her responsible for her actions and see her as a mean person who hurt their daughter/sister out of jealousy and wanting control


I will look for a therapist soon. Just for myself for my own closure. I would like my H to come with me, whether we are married or divorced, for his sanity. Because he is a goodhearted person and deserves insight so he can try to have a normal life, instead of a life filled with guilt and never feeling like. good enough son. He deserves understanding and peace of mind. There has been a lot of damage as it is, but if I can lead him to help and understanding so that he can get 'saved' at least something good will have come out of it. I truly believe there is a reason why God brought me (with my psychology background) in their lives, in his life. If he can get help, at least something good will have come out of all this.

[Larlie]

This seems to fit with BPD because it sounds like she saw you as taking H away from her, right?  So the more he supports you, the more threatened she feels, which translates to more fear she feels that she will "lose him" because he married you.
Yes, this is exactly what was going on.

 Instead of JADEing, are you and H familiar with SET?
No,we weren't equipped with the right tools to deal with it properly. I dealt with it by staying quiet, never answering back or arguing even when I knew she would twist things or even lie. But because of keeping it all in, I made myself sick, I used to wake up every morning with like panic attacks not looking forward to the day and even being scared to go down and see what mood she was in. I lost my confidence badly, I remember saying to my husband, all these things she is unhappy with, and she complains about, let's try to live exactly the way she wants, maybe the arguing will stop then.E.G She used to argue about everything, like that we went to sleep too late (1 AM, sometimes 2, because we would sit with her all evening till she went to sleep at 11PM and that was the only time then that we could just watch tv or relax together as H and wife. And then she would in the morning make an issue about us waking up late, well I never woke up that late, I'd always be down by 8.30 to set breakfast, but it was late in her opinion), My husband dealt with it by trying to make her see the reality of things, by arguing, by trying to make a point. That always backfired so I used to say to him to just stay quiet, but it's like the more you stayed quiet the further she would go, pushing the boundary beyond limits to just get an explosive reaction in return. On a few occasions my husband really lost his cool and shouted at her, but because she knew how to push his buttons so badly and calling him names and saying he's not a man etc, he tried to stay quiet, she pushed even harder, he lost his cool, then she victimized herself saying he is a disrespectful son and shouted at her and how wrong he was for disrespecting her like that after she had raised him for 30 years and did everything for him and so the cycle would repeat itself. Then she used to ask me in front of him 'have you ever spoken to your mother in such a manner, I know you would never shout at your mother like that'. She also kept a book in which she wrote all the 'wrongdoings' her son had done to her. She wrote down the exact day, time, everything.


So on the one hand, she is telling your son she doesn't want to come back to her home as long as you are there.  On the other hand, your son is giving you the ultimatum to live in her house, or what...leave the marriage?  That sounds like a no-win situation. 
No, he has given me that ultimatum because now she doesn't say she doesn't want me in her house anymore. Now she says she wants me to come back, because she wants to spend her old age with her son and her sons child close to her in front of her eyes daily. Thats why my H thinks 'my Mom is trying to make amends for her passed mistakes, she just wants to be 1 big happy family again, and now you are being stubborn by not letting go of the past so you are in the wrong. and on top of that he says I am being heartless for not granting an old lady her wishes because 'who knows how long she has left to live' he says. Whereas I just see it as I am protecting myself and my child by setting boundaries. Boundaries that he should have set in the first place. I've always said I can help him look after her, but I'll never go and live with her. Instead of appreciating that, he has given me an ultimatum.
The reason she all of a sudden switched from forcing us to divorce to 'I want you all to come and live back here with me' is because my H made it clear to her that if she kept behaving like this she would lose him and not be a part of the childs life and that it was up to her now if she wanted that to happen. So then a few weeks later all of a sudden she said she had changed and that she would now be calm but she just wants her son and grandchild close to her. He believes her.


yes to this.  He is seeing what he wants to believe, rather than the truth. It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation now, and it sounds like you have very rationally thought through all the angles.  Good for you!
But how can I make him realize this? Sometimes I thought, perhaps I should go back and give it a shot just so that when it fails, which I am convinced it will, he will realize, just to show HIM that she hasn't changed. But then I thought I have a baby now, I can't go through that again, she needs a fit Mother and I would be doing my daughter injustice by putting myself and her in such an unhealthy situation. Also that fear of my MIL making my daughter the object of her unhealthy attachment, I can't go back, not even for a trial, not for my daughter. Not even to prove him wrong. Also his setting the ultimatum hasn't helped me to be cooperative. It has hurt me tremendously. But I realize he is so in his own/her thinking that he doesn't realize things. Whether our marriage works out or not, I would still want him to realize this and want to help him because he will always be the Father of my daughter and I want him to have a healthy mindset. He doesn't want to go to therapy with me. And now that his Mother is 'calmer' he doesn't want to think she has a mental illness either. So how do I help him get out of it? Sometimes I think as long as his Mother is there he will not realize. Is this the case? No matter how much she has hurt me, I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, because she is his Mother. I just want him to see reality. The feeling I get is that he always starts off with his own mindset, but then he ends up with her mindset. It's like she pulls him back into her web. He tries to get out, sometimes he is able to pull out just a bit, but as soon as she sees it happening she will pull him back in. Whether its with just talking to him, whether its using guilttrips, or victimizing herself or exaggerating when it comes to her health and how poorly she is. Does his not seeing all this mean that he has BPD too? Because he does things and then blames others too. e.g:  He gave me the ultimatum either live with my Mom or we will divorce, then packed his bags to go and live with his Mom (because he says she is ill and needs support and he needs to be there to look after her), and he expects me to follow. He says if I don't follow, I am responsible for our child not growing up with her father in her daily life and that I broke up our little family. Whereas I see it as 'you made the choice to leave us, being separated from your daughter is the consequence of your choice of leaving us behind

Your concerns about how she will use your daughter to manipulate herr son and have her own emotional needs met are valid.  I think you are wise to see this.
I can't do this to my daughter or myself. I've experienced firsthand how easily a person can lose themselves because of living with someone with BPD, I can't risk it for my daughter. And as my H doesn't see what's going on, he won't be able to protect her from it or set boundaries, he will see it as 'an old lady loving her granddaughter a lot and wanting her close all the time, and will find me heartless for separating an old lady from het granddaughter'. I am also fearful because I know there is genetic and environmental factors. My daughter will have part of the genes, so I find it even more crucial for her to have a stable environment and to protect her.

Do you think the fact that you were hiding it was because of embarrassment, or even shame?    I can see they might be disappointed after the shock of the phone call from MIL, but really, you were just trying to handle the situation the best you could, without troubling them right?  Is talking about it more with them now something you would be comfortable with?
It was not shame, it was an attempt to not let the situation escalate even further because we were already having so many problems on his side of the family, if I would have told my side of the family, that would've added more pressure for me and my H because I knew they wouldn't understand where her behavior was coming from they would only see her as an evil, jealous person and see my H as someone who isn't doing a good job in protecting his wife fro the evil of his Mother and that wouldn't help me in trying to be more understanding. I was trying to be understanding and patient and to be there for my H. I thought this is something between my H and I, Ill try to figure it out myself'. My family is always there for me no matter what though. They get angry, frustrated, don't understand, sometimes hold me responsible for staying in the situation, but at the end of the day if I am in need, they are there for me. And they do see that she has mental health issues because they can clearly see her behaviour is not normal, but still they will always hold her responsible for her actions and see her as a mean person who hurt their daughter/sister out of jealousy and wanting control


I will look for a therapist soon. Just for myself for my own closure. I would like my H to come with me, whether we are married or divorced, for his sanity. Because he is a goodhearted person and deserves insight so he can try to have a normal life, instead of a life filled with guilt and never feeling like. good enough son. He deserves understanding and peace of mind. There has been a lot of damage as it is, but if I can lead him to help and understanding so that he can get 'saved' at least something good will have come out of it. I truly believe there is a reason why God brought me (with my psychology background) in their lives, in his life. If he can get help, at least something good will have come out of all this.

[Methuen]

There has been a lot of damage as it is, but if I can lead him to help and understanding so that he can get 'saved' at least something good will have come out of it.

This sounds like you desperately want to help save him from a situation where he is entangled with a mentally ill mother who has one goal, and that is to destroy your marriage so she can have her son all to herself, "because they are one". You can't rescue or fix this for him Larlie.  It doesn't sound like he is anywhere near ready to explore the possibility that his mother is the problem, or to even have a discussion with his wife about what is really  going on here, and how it is affecting everyone.  Instead, he's in denial, and making unreasonable demands of you.  Right now they are both blaming you.  You can't fix this.  As long as he thinks he might convince you to do things his way, and as long as he thinks he has the right to tell you what is right for you too (i.e. giving you the ultimatum that it is your duty to live with him and his mom), nothing is likely to change for the better for you.

on top of that he says I am being heartless for not granting an old lady her wishes because 'who knows how long she has left to live'

Larlee, under the circumstances with the abuse you have suffered living with this woman, it doesn't seem right for him to say this to you.

He wants you and he wants her.  Like another person said, he wants it both ways. If you don't do what he wants, he blames you.  But it doesn't work for you because MIL's abusive, and you have a daughter to think of.  MIL is mentally ill, and unwilling to do therapy.  H supports his mother.  You can't control H.  You can't control MIL.  You can only control you.

Again, he just doesn't seem ready to do the "work" to disentangle himself from his mom.  He has to want to separate from his mom, much as a toddler -preschooler has to learn to do this.  Healthy children eventually learn to "separate" and spend time away from parents, and become their own individual "self".  It kind of sounds like he never did this.  He has to come to see this by figuring it out on his own.  Right now he's living his life around what his mother wants, and he sees no problem with that.  

 

He is seeing what he wants to believe, rather than the truth. It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation now, and it sounds like you have very rationally thought through all the angles.  Good for you!
But how can I make him realize this?

You can't.  I would talk to a T about this.

Their thoughts and behaviors are outside of your control.  It sounds like you really want to believe that you can change what is happening, if your husband would just listen to you.  But it sounds like it has gone well beyond that, because he actually went to a divorce lawyer with you because his mom told him to.  That crossed a boundary. That's just crazy. It makes me think he is afraid of her too.   Why would he agree to do such a thing?  It sounds like SOO many boundaries have been crossed by him (and his mom).  These are the actions of unhealthy people.  

The only thing you have control of, is looking after yourself, your overall well-being, and your daughter.  Also, in your control, is how you respond to all this and move forward from here.  I'm not sure if you are working right now, or if you have child care, or if you are at home with your daughter.  But it seems reasonable that "getting some space" from both of them would be helpful for you to "slow things down", breathe again, get healthy enough to be able to think clearly, and not feel so panicky.  What do you think of telling your husband you need some time to "think about things", and you need to "take a break"?  Are you able to able go home and spend time with your family?   Be around "healthy people" for a spell, and see what that does for you?  Also, maybe start therapy asap?  I am so happy for you that your family is supportive.  That is something to celebrate.  At least you have that because not everyone does.  

Also, it doesn't matter if you going home to your family is what MIL wanted.  She has behaved to divide you and your husband to meet her own needs.  It's always been about her.  How you respond to that dysfunctional behavior has to be about YOU and your daughter feeling emotionally safe.

Again, I completely agree with others that it would be wise for you to consider that you may not be able to change him.  By "taking a break" from he and his mother, spending time with mentally healthy people, seeing a T, looking after your own needs (appetite, physical activity, sleep, stress management), and finding more joy in daily life, any or all of these things would help you start feeling more like yourself again.  Further, it might give him some time to reassess his own situation if you said you were unavailable for a while.  Maybe it could be helpful to him too.  I don't know.   I think you wrote somewhere, that over the last 2 1/2 years you "lost yourself".  Think about that.  How will you find yourself again?

[Larlie]

You can't.  I would talk to a T about this.
Their thoughts and behaviors are outside of your control.  It sounds like you really want to believe that you can change what is happening, if your husband would just listen to you.
Yes, I do. I want him to see and realize because if he doesn't see it, it means he can't be 'saved', which I want him to be, I want him to be okay. But it also means that our marriage cannot work and that hurts me a lot. I don't feel like I need to be the savior, but still part of me feels failed for not being able to seek help earlier and convince him to come to therapy with me earlier. But I was too into the situation myself that I just couldn't.
I feel hurt and guilty because I made a promise to be there for better for worse, but I can't go back to a situation that will break me and will harm my daughter.

[Methuen]

Maybe give him some time to think?  "Cool things down".  Avoid arguements which will likely get emotional, and escalate.  There's a lot of hurt going around this situation.  MIL is hurt because she feels you've taken "her" son away.  You are hurt by MIL's abusive treatment, and by H taking her "side" and giving you an ultimatum.  H is hurt because you can't go back and live in her house where he has chosen to sleep although he is married to you.  With that much hurt going on, and not enough rational thinking, a "time out" to cool down emotions may be helpful, so that hurtful words don't get said which can't get taken back.  Personally I think the intent of "for better or worse" is to stick by each other through the difficulties of life, but you have done an amazing job of sticking by an incredibly difficult situation for 2 1/2 years.  I feel you tried as hard as any reasonable person could possibly try.  The "worse" in for better or worse was not intended to include abuse, in my humble opinion. 

part of me feels failed for not being able to seek help earlier and convince him to come to therapy with me earlier.

Honestly, his mom seems to have so much power over him, do you really believe this would have made a difference? 

I can't go back to a situation that will break me and will harm my daughter.

It's good you know your boundary.  You can get through this. 

[Larlie]

Yes, we all do need to let things cool down and think. My H doesn't understand why I can't give it a try at least to move back.
I once told him about BPD, but now he doesn't seem to see it. I would like to tell him that that is the main reason why I can't move back and tell him all the signs, alarm bells and all the worries for the future. Does anyone think he will understand or would I be wasting my time?

[Larlie]

Also, I thought BD Mothers were more abusive to their children? My MIL has always treated my H as a king, almost like her God and has always favored him over the others. She only started behaving this way with him, scolding him, calling him names, telling him he was a bad son and not a man, when I, the wife came into his life. Does that fit a BD Mother?

[GaGrl]

Yes, we all do need to let things cool down and think. My H doesn't understand why I can't give it a try at least to move back.
I once told him about BPD, but now he doesn't seem to see it. I would like to tell him that that is the main reason why I can't move back and tell him all the signs, alarm bells and all the worries for the future. Does anyone think he will understand or would I be wasting my time?

He may need to "sit with" his decision to move back into his mother's house before he can begin to absorb the reality of his mother's mental condition -- and the effect it has had on him and his family.

I'm sure he never envisioned himself as a man who would abandon a wife and baby to live with his mother. But...there it is.

He is an adult and capable of making his own poor decisions. So perhaps you let him cool off and spend some time thank my about his decisions.

[Larlie]

Also, I thought BD Mothers were more abusive to their children? My MIL has always treated my H as a king, almost like her God and has always favored him over the others. She only started behaving this way with him, scolding him, calling him names, telling him he was a bad son and not a man, when I, the wife came into his life. Does that fit a BD Mother?

[Methuen]

Hi Larlee,

How are you doing?

Also, I thought BD Mothers were more abusive to their children? My MIL has always treated my H as a king, almost like her God and has always favored him over the others. She only started behaving this way with him, scolding him, calling him names, telling him he was a bad son and not a man, when I, the wife came into his life. Does that fit a BD Mother?

 BD mothers with more than one child can project the dark side of themselves onto one child (the no-good child, or the scapegoat), and the lighter side of themselves onto another child (the "golden" child).  They treat them very differently.  I was an only child, and thought I had a ok relationship with my mom, until my dad died.  I believe now, that he sheltered me from a lot.  Now that he's gone, mom has no one to project her nastiness onto but me.  When I was a child growing up, I still saw plenty of it.  But now that my dad has died, and I am mom's only family, it's a whole new level of intensity.  So as you've noticed in your situation, how the pwBPD behaves, can change depending on the circumstances with her.  I think both these links could maybe help with your question.

Splitting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0
(also scroll down to the conversations, which I found helpful)
Projection: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

[Larlie]

Thank you Methuen,
I will have a look at the links. I remember her mean side taking the upper hand towards her 'golden child' when he tried to cut lose from her control. I remember when he wanted to be independent and not dependent on her for his work she said ' since he got married he thinks he got wings and that he can fly now, but I will clip his wings and bring him back to my feet'. She said this in front of me. Also my H himself once said that he feels his Mother fed him everything he wanted in life (gave him everything he asked for, favored him, took care of any of his affairs, helped him with investments) but in doing so has kept him on a leash his whole life so that he would always have to follow where she lead him. As he was always being fed the best, he wouldn't have any need to go away to explore other routes himself. He himself said these words to me once. So I don't understand why he is so blinded right now. Maybe because soon she will need an operation for her back and he is scared something might happen to her? I don't understand it.


Also, his Moms Mom was like that: she favored her other daughters and their children over my MIL and her children, my MIL always felt like the black sheep. that's why I feel that if you've been treated unequally by your Mother and you've experienced how painful that is, why would you do it with your own children?

[Harri]

Hi Larlie

I don't understand why he is so blinded right now. Maybe because soon she will need an operation for her back and he is scared something might happen to her?

The being blinded part probably has more to do with conditioned behaviors.  As kids of disordered people we learn to behave in ways that fit the role we were assigned, whether it is as the all bad child, the golden child or the lost child, etc.  The thing is, as much as the golden child role seems like the better deal and the one with that title is the lucky/loved one, they are being abused.

Golden children lose themselves, or maybe never really develop a sense of self, I think sometimes worse than the other kids in other roles.  The abuse is cloaked in love and support and gifts etc, but it is all conditional and a very fragile framework on while to try to grow up and function in the world as a healthy adult.

We forget that sometimes when we talk about golden children.  Golden child siblings are seen as the luckier ones who did not have to deal with the more obvious abuse.   My thought is that it is harder to see the abuse, to see how sick the behaviors are and there fore harder to overcome.  You can't change something you can't see.  You can't see something if you have been taught that you are perfect and there is nothing that needs to be changed.

Yet at the same time, that golden child is threatened, often subtly, with the withdrawal of the support, affection and the love.  Their existence as they know it, their identity, is threatened.  Take that away and they are without a foundation, left floundering in a world that is not quite what they were raised to believe it was. 

On top of that, if they have siblings who are split black or are more obviously abused, they know exactly what can happen when the parent turns on them.  It is scary, terrifying even.

All of this often plays under the surface and you will see behaviors like your husband is exhibiting.  He needs to break through all of that and it is no easy task. 

Also, his Moms Mom was like that: she favored her other daughters and their children over my MIL and her children, my MIL always felt like the black sheep. that's why I feel that if you've been treated unequally by your Mother and you've experienced how painful that is, why would you do it with your own children?

Unfortunately, some people do go on and repeat the same or similar patterns they learned.  Not always, but it happens.  It is generational dysfunction.

[Larlie]

Yet at the same time, that golden child is threatened, often subtly, with the withdrawal of the support, affection and the love.  Their existence as they know it, their identity, is threatened.  Take that away and they are without a foundation, left floundering in a world that is not quite what they were raised to believe it was.  

Exactly this. I feel as though without his Mother, he is not a person. He doesn't have his own mindset, it fluctuates so much as if he is being pulled in different directions whenever someone gives him advice. Since he got married he tried to be his own person, but it's like he gets pulled back into her web, especially when she is ill or has health issues, then he can't see past her and what she wants. What happens to them when their parent is gone, do they just attach to someone else? Or are they prone to developing a PD themselves?

[Harri]

What happens to them when their parent is gone, do they just attach to someone else? Or are they prone to developing a PD themselves?

What happens?  Well, you are seeing some of what happens here when you read other posts from us adult children of pwBPD.  Some of us were/are more attached than some others who post here.  I was very attached for a long time to my mom and really the whole family unit and my assigned and assumed role.  I was not the golden child though.  My mom alternated between making me the split black/split white child along with my brother.  None of us come out unscathed though.

My mom died about 13 years ago and my dad 11 and I still have issues I am working on.  Others here were able to go on and build lives of their own and have kids and get married.  I never was able to do that.  I only managed to build what I think of as a parallel life where each life stayed separate.  So it varies.  That said, again, none of us come out unscathed.  We all have our challenges and less than healthy behaviors though we work on them and change and improve. 

If you want to better understand what your husband is dealing with, keep posting here.  To learn how to apply relationship tools with a difficult person with disordered behaviors(ie your husband), I would suggest also reading and posting on the Bettering a Relationship board which is located here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

We use the tools here too.  The focus is a bit different on the other board though all focus on us and who we are and how we function in life and in our relationships.