Do they really mean the cruel/evil things they say?

[hurtinggirl1]

Morning all! Sorry it's me again - you may have read my post about my breakup but i'm just looking for some thoughts or clarity regarding cruel comments my exBPD has made...I understand the emotional turmoil they have and they're heightened sense of emotions but I'd like some of our thoughts..

My ex broke up with me due to his paranoid thoughts that I was looking at other men - it had improved over time, I could go out with him without worrying where i look but hat ultimately brought this on was him thinking i was looking at other men and he feels totally disrespected (i know this is in his head and nothing i will say will sway him)...but considering I've never cheated and he tells me he knows how much i love him and how much s**t i've put up with, his actions/response is completely disproportionate.

He's blocked me on everything and he has said in the past it's his way of dealing with it. But he knows how much it hurts me. Admittedly, i did act crazy contacting him on virtual numbers, etc just trying to get some sort of closure or trying to get him to understand me but the more i did that the more the anger builds. He is filled with unreal hate it's actually unbelievable..but I waned to know why and how do they say the most awful things?

It's not just typical 'i hate you' or 'you're ugly' - it's much more in depth..examples:
- "I hope you have cancer and you die"
- "I never want to hear from you again, hopefully you die"
- "you're ugly, you're a mess...you don't look after yourself"
- "you're a child"
- "you're the worst woman I've been with"
- "I've had so much better than you"
- "I've already been on a date and I'm speaking to someone new" - i know it's common for BPD's to move onto the next person but i highly doubt this - he knows talking about other woman hurts me and often uses other women to make me jealous.
- "you must be a hoe/whore"
- "I don't think about you at all, you're annoying" - another lie i suspect because in the same conversation he said for the past 3 days he hasn't done much except stay in and think of me
- "I've sat and thought about you and nothing has ever changed my mind, i don't g]regret my decision"

There's much more. But he's pushing me away, understandably because I've pretty much harassed him but my head is a mess. He blocked me with no explanation and gave me no chance to talk. I sent numerous messages just explaining this and how can he live with himself saying all this.

Now this has all happened before (blocking, cruel comments, etc.) and we've got back together but this time i know it's over. But does he really mean the horrific things? If i was to die would he feel guilty or upset, or would it be relief?

Why is he pushing me so far away? Is it because he knows I'll always be there or does he truly hate me.

I know they say "out of sight, out of mind" but he's told me in the past, whenever we argue/breakup he constantly thinks of me. It was only last week he was saying he can't imagine his life without me and I am his only motivation..

Please share your thoughts? Why are they BEYOND nasty? I love him dearly but after this I can only think that he will forever despise me and never think of the loving times we had together

I just want to cry, never think of him again and wish all the pain to go away.

[Panda39]

Hi Hurtinggirl,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, what awful things to have to hear.  It sounds like your ex is splitting.  Folks with BPD often think in black and white terms and it sounds like you have been "painted black".  He is not capable of seeing the gray...that you are a good person and he is a good person but the relationship didn't work out. 

More on Splitting...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94786.0

I will say that a lot of this could be projection, blaming you for things he feels about himself but feelings he can't handle so he projects them on you. What he is saying here likely has more to do with him than it does with you.

One way to really see projection is to flip the pronouns

- "I hope you have cancer and you die"...You hope I have cancer and I die
- "I never want to hear from you again, hopefully you die"... You never want to hear from me again, hopefully I die
- "you're ugly, you're a mess...you don't look after yourself"... I'm ugly, I'm a mess...I don't look after Myself
- "you're a child"... I'm a child
- "you're the worst woman I've been with"... I'm the worst man you've been with
- "I've had so much better than you"... You've had so much better than me
- "I've already been on a date and I'm speaking to someone new" You've alread been on a date and you're speaking to someone new
- "you must be a hoe/whore"... I must be a hoe/whore
- "I don't think about you at all, you're annoying"... You don't think about me at all, I'm annoying
- "I've sat and thought about you and nothing has ever changed my mind, i don't regret my decision... You've sat and thought about me and nothing has ever changed your mind, you don't regret your decision

I hope looking at it this way helps you not take what he is saying so personally.  These are likely more is thoughts about himself and less about you.

Panda39

[BDR]

wow that helps tremendously thanks .My wife ripped into me on and off for 20 years and near the end it seemed like a war between one half who was madly in love and the other half who hated me . the book walking on eggshells is helping me cope and move forward.