I don’t know how to talk to my mother anymore

[Penelope7122019]

I believe my mother has BPD. I have done a lot of research into why my relationship with my mother has always left me feeling less than. And the signs are all there, she runs our relationship off of a guilt and fulfilling her own needs through me as opposed to recognizing any of my needs. Fear of abandonment and emotional outbursts. It’s been all my life that I thought I needed to revise all of my behaviors in order to make her happy. In October 2019 my dad passed away and she broke down completely lashing out at everyone. After a week of staying with her I left feeling completely drained of any emotion. I had given her all of it and left feeling like I didn’t have any emotions to grieve my own father. That’s when I realized I wasn’t ok with the way our relationship was functioning because I needed my time to heal myself, to process my feelings. I took a step back and realized this wasn’t the first time I felt this way and started thinking back on all the different events, and how angry I felt that I didn’t matter to her. That her grief must be worse than mine so I should just put my feelings aside and support her. I wrestled with what to do because I was feeling so much pain in the pit of my stomach from my dad being gone, to overwhelmed by the demands of my mother. I decided to let her know that I needed space to process my grief, to which she responded how could I do this to her right now. And if losing her husband wasn’t enough she was losing her daughter too. I knew I couldn’t fall into the same habits we had all my life, and I needed my time so I suggested therapy and she scoffed. We finished the conversation with that was all of the emotion I could spend, I didn’t have anymore to give. Couple months went by without contact, Valentine’s Day was coming up and I knew it would tough, the first without my dad. So I sent a gift and a note to let her know I may be far but I’m thinking of her. She sent me an email telling me not to send gifts, without a relationship she didn’t want any gifts and that a relationship may not be viable now or in the near future. I was heartbroken, and angry and didn’t know what else to say except ok and understood. And just continue to focus on my healing so I could be stronger to help her when I could. I just recently received an email from her telling me how much pain she is in from losing me and my dad. And just wants to understand where I’m at... and I don’t know how to respond. Part of me wants to tell her that I’m not ok with the way our relationship has operated and I want it to change. But I also don’t think she has the capacity to work on our relationship because she is so broken from the loss of my dad. I guess I don’t know how to maintain these boundaries if I reach out to her. I don’t know how to not fall back to the same dynamic as always. I know she is in pain and needs support, but I don’t know how yet. To implement boundaries and maintain a relationship.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place. There are many members here who are/have been in similar circumstances as yours with a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD passed away last summer. Several years ago, I started long term therapy, after my mother abused my brother dying of cancer so badly that the social services had to get involved. As you well know, people with BPD are triggered by difficult circumstances and usually take out their overwhelming emotions out on someone else, usually a close family member. Knowing this, does not take away the pain and frustration of not having your feelings taken into consideration by your mother with BPD when your father passed away. I am guessing that you may want to stay very low contact with your mother while you figure out how much contact and what kind of contact you want to have with her. In my experience having many family members with BPD, we need to take long breaks from our disordered family members to heal and become more comfortable having better boundaries with challenging people. Do take a look at the educational materials on this site and posts of other members. We are here to listen and support you.

[Penelope7122019]

Thank you for your response. It’s true I think our limited contact has been the most healing during all of this. Upon her most recent email I finally decided to respond with EVERYTHING I had been feeling over the past few months since my father’s passing and since our disconnect. I tried to bring to light that she wasn’t the only person in pain and that if she wanted to repair our relationship we should do so with a therapist present. This was the first time in our relationship that I stood up to her and said I’m not ok with how our relationship has functioned, but I can’t help but feel that I may have been too harsh. No response from her yet. I feel relieved to have gotten so much off my chest but I also feel I could have been more delicate in my delivery. I guess it’s more of the guilt dynamic seeping back in.