Mother doesn't want me to have good relationships/be happy unless I'm with her.

[psot2]

My mother was very dependent on me when she left my abusive father. I helped leave him, go to a shelter for women, bought her groceries before she had a bank account and money of her own, helped her find places to stay, and practically managed every little aspect of her life.

That was 9 years ago. Since then, she's become more independent, but she still comes to me for every single problem she has. I'd say she calls several times a week for help with something.

This wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that if I'm ever unable to help she calls me selfish, swears at me, and accuses me of being a bad daughter. If I'm in a relationship it's even worse, because she thinks I care about my boyfriend/my boyfriend's mother/his family more than I care about her.

A year ago I moved in with her because I needed financial support while doing my master's degree. This was very difficult because of a lot of emotional manipulation. I started dating a wonderful guy who owns his own house and lives with his parents in it in a different country. I love him a lot and want to marry him. I moved in with him a month ago, to a different country.

I was worried about my mum's reaction when I moved because I knew she didn't want me to be happy because she wanted me to stay with her. She knew that, the happier I was, the less likely I was to return back to her. So I tried to hide my happiness and I tried to hide the fact that I felt so calm and at peace with my boyfriend and his parents.

Still, she found a reason to send me abusive texts telling me I only help my boyfriend and his family, and that one day something bad will happen to them and I'll leave them too because I'm just a horrible person who hates helping people. She also sent a similar text to my boyfriend, telling him to be careful of me because I'll abandon him when he needs me the most. Then she blocked both of us.

This was a week ago and, though I'm feeling so much better that I don't have to speak to her, I can't help but feel very sad and lonely knowing that my mother isn't happy about my happiness and that I don't truly have a loving family.

She unblocked me once to call me just to tell me how horrible I was, but I hang up the phone on her because I didn't want to have to listen to it. She then sent me another abusive text and blocked me again. So I blocked her in return to ensure she can't unblock me just to send abusive texts, and to just have peace and quiet from her.

But I still feel so sad and lonely. I don't understand the language of this new country and I'm overwhelmed. It would be nice to have a supportive family, but all I have right now is my boyfriend and his family. They're amazing, but a move on my own is still difficult. It's a shame I can't visit back home to a supportive family.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this or what kind of advice I'm asking for. I guess I just wanted to vent and I hope to hear others' similar experiences just to feel like I'm not alone.

[zachira]

My heart hurts hearing how your mother does everything to make you feel guilty for having a normal life independent of her, and does not appreciate how kind and generous you have been to her. Congratulations on making a life for yourself, finding love, and moving to a new country. Sadly there is probably very little you can do to change the way your mother treats you. With time, you can find ways to not let her latest attack on you not affect you so intensely and for such long periods of time. Being mistreated by the mother who was supposed to love you unconditionally is a lifelong sorrow. Do take advantage of the educational materials on this site and read the posts of other members. We are here to listen and support you. So many of the members have similar challenges with their mother. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful. There is no limit on how often to post or the length of posts. We are here 24/7 though there may be times when it takes a while to get replies as our members live all over the world.

[tut]

Sorry to hear about it.
I know exactly what you are talking about -
My mom also sends cruel texts to me and my partner and even to my partner's mother.
This is terrible.
You are doing nothing wrong, despite of what you mom tells you. Focus on your moral and understanding and don't let what she said to make you think you are not OK.
I know it still hurts...
Big hug and good luck in your new life! 

[Methuen]

Still, she found a reason to send me abusive texts telling me I only help my boyfriend and his family, and that one day something bad will happen to them and I'll leave them too because I'm just a horrible person who hates helping people. She also sent a similar text to my boyfriend, telling him to be careful of me because I'll abandon him when he needs me the most.

Uge.  

First of all, congratulations on finding happiness in a new relationship.  Your bf and his family sound wonderful.  I hope you can embrace the adventure of a new move and country!  You sound adventurous!   Is there a course available to start learning the new language perhaps?  Where I live, I volunteer at a non-profit which is a "diversity" organization that welcomes new residents to the country.  I am a volunteer English tutor.  If there was something similar to this where you live, you could meet and connect with other people in addition to bf's family.  Our organization provides a ton of resources and supports for people new to the country, and also hosts events and activities where people can meet others and make new friends.  I live in a very small town, so hopefully there are resources and opportunities where you are as well.  Seek them out.  Venture out into your new life, and embrace new opportunity.

As for your mom, I think you were wise to block her.  That is toxic.  She can't help herself right?  Give her lots of time to adjust to the change of not having you around.  She may slowly return to an emotional baseline, but she may not.  Either way, that is up to her, and you have taken steps to move forward with your own life. Life is about lots of things, including adjustment to change.  Many people don't like "change".  BPD just makes it harder.  She just has to deal with it.  We all do.  You are entitled to make your own decisions and live your own life.  Your life and her life are separate right?  Relationships mean our lives have overlap, but it doesn't mean our lives should be together under the same roof.  Give her lots of time.  In the meantime, what are you going to do first in your new country?

[Choosinghope]

Psot2,

I had to laugh a little while reading your post because your mom's actions are so predictable. It's one of those horrible situations that you either laugh about or you keep crying about it. I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. I truly can empathize with a lot of what you wrote. Please know that her hateful words have nothing to do with you or your self worth. Like Methuen said, you are an independent person who is living an independent life. You can't forever put your life on hold to take responsibility for your mom's needs. I lived abroad for a year and remember feeling very lonely and overwhelmed, esp. with the language barrier. It would feel even more lonely to not have the support that you are used to. Hold tight to your BF and his family. Take classes, join a gym, find a religious organization (if that's applicable to you)--basically just do what you can to stay busy and invest in where you are right now. For me, I've learned that I am best able to cope with my mom when I am meaningfully engaged in my own life. I know it seems impossible, but you can heal and live a wonderful life, with or without your mom.