How to not let bullying get to me, how do you cope?

[Marianne-11]

Hi all,

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and it's been a roller coaster ride. A few years ago he finally hit rock bottom after messing up totally and went to therapy. He got BPD diagnosis, and in addition, his psychiatrist said there are signs of obsessive compulsive behavior. He's also had manic and depression periods, so I've wondered if he could have bipolar disorder in addition but that has not been diagnosed.

I tried to get a divorce earlier once, but due to him becoming more stable because of weekly therapy, we ended up back together. Mistake and I regret that I let it happen, I was well on the path to a more balanced life for myself and the kids.

At some point he decided he does not have BPD and does not need therapy anymore and the same old problems quickly came back. Lying, me being the one to blame for all and any of his troubles and feelings, him being entitled to anything he might think he deserves (at my expense), the bursts of anger, you name it. In the past he has also threatened with suicide a couple of times, but luckily not during recent years. He also threatens that he will not pay any child support or help with taking care of them. Then at times he has been the best dad and spouse one can imagine.     

After I found out about yet another lies related to him keeping other women ready on the side (he thinks I deserve this), I have decided to finally do what ever it takes to get the divorce finalized, find out how my life will be without constant emotional roller coaster ride and get my sense of self worth back after years of mental abuse and, most importantly, also be the best possible mother for our two young sons.

The strange thing is that he is not accepting the divorce at all even if he acts so that continuing the marriage seems impossible. I asked him to move out from our home in the spring and that resulted in him kicking me in the stomach and spitting on my face. But he left. So he has lived elsewhere for a few months and has not kept much contact with our kids, even if I have encouraged him to do so and asked him not to punish the kids for the divorce. Especially he seems to punish our 3 year old and has kept weeks of complete silence towards him. I've been the only parent taking care of their needs and everyday stuff.

I've had to take care of everything financially as well, and prepare for example selling our home and other practical arrangements. He does not cooperate in anything and keeps blaming me for abandoning him. I've tried to be as calm and sensible as I ever can be, and asked him to discuss with me what would be the best way for all of us to get through this divorce with least possible damage. No response but hatred and/or total silence. I struggle financially but recently I found out he has bought a motorcycle and continues to choose to not help me even financially with the kids.

I guess I am naive for hoping for a sensible divorce. I don't hate him because I know enough of BPD to understand his inside world must be terrible. I also have been wanting to go through the divorce in an adult way because of our kids. In order to stay balanced myself, I've seen a therapist and she said what I've gone through would be traumatic to anyone. That opened my eyes that I really do need to get out of this marriage for good and protect myself and my kids from the emotional turmoil.

I was doing fairly ok before this weekend, but things changed when he after the longest time said he wants to take the kids with him for a couple of days. Kids had missed him so I felt I had no choice. Once he had picked them and they drove away, he "accidentally" sent me a Whatsapp message that was meant for somebody else. The message said "Victory! Will call you soon" and a picture of some other kids and hearts. I became anxious about where is he taking the kids and who with. Our kids are currently only trying to deal with the divorce and making them spend time with a newly found girlfriend and her kids seems to me unreasonable at this point. The kids are only trying to survive the divorce and the younger one asks on a daily basis why is dad not here spending time with us.

This is not the first time I get these "accidental" cryptic messages meant to disturb my balance. It's an old trick he has used several times in the past, especially during his manic periods.

I've felt really down after this and worried about my kids' feelings. And disappointed at myself that I let his actions affect me like this. When will I learn. Do you have good tips about how you've calmed yourself after disturbing behavior from your ex? Or am I overreacting and unreasonable to feel bad about this?     

Thank you for reading this. Writing this down already calms me a bit.

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this in-between stage. It is difficult, and a number of us on this board have been there (with and without a PD spouse).I

Good for you that you realize that writing it down can call you. That is exactly why many people find journaling a worthy activity.

Self-defense is so important. I always found that a mantra of "it's not personal -- she has no control over it" was helpful to me, along with some deep breathing. Good breathing is calling to me, so yoga works also. I'm sure others here will chime in with suggestions.

How quickly can you get the divorce moved to temporary orders? That will give you some stability on a schedule and some financial help and some calm for you.

Can you tell us more about where you are in the divorce process?

[Marianne-11]

Hi GaGrl, thanks for support and good advice! I've actually been practicing yoga earlier but have forgotten that in the past months. That's a good way to calm down. Seems that all this turmoil has made me give up the things where I can relax and take a moment to myself.

Regarding the divorce, I hoped we could've come to an agreement together, but as that's clearly not an option so we have an appointment made for early August. So few weeks to go still.

Just trying to cope and keep calm and what I really want the most is to be in control of my own life again and feel joy of everyday life. And to have enough balance so that another person's actions would not have such an impact. I guess it's a long road.   

[livednlearned]

Hi Marianne-11,

Joining Gagrl in welcoming you 

Have you seen the kids since they left with dad?

Your kids are relatively young and you're asking important questions when there is still time to help them develop emotional resilience (not easy with a BPD father).

What do you think the kids will feel when he returns them to you?

Have they been with him on their own during a manic phase before?

[Marianne-11]

Hi livednlearned,

Thank you for the welcome and taking the time to help! I haven't seen them but my 11 year old son told me they are seeing cousins and they live roughly six hours drive away from our home. I did not dare to ask any more details because I don't want him to worry about me or understand how worried I am. Just told him good that they are seeing their cousins and that if anything comes up, he can call me at any time and that I love him. Well, both sons of course.

The older one has seen his dad's different phases and changes many times over the years, and I am a bit worried that he might in time begin to keep things to himself and not open up to me about his worries or stress. And the 3 year old is very sensitive already. When I was pregnant and during his first year, things were in the worst phase.

I've tried to talk to the older one of his dad's mental problems as best I could and on a level that I hope he can digest. And made sure that he knows none of what happens is his fault. And that his dad also did not choose to become ill.

Do you have experience or advice what I could do to build up their resilience? I really want to do everything I can about that.

I also want my sons to grow up knowing that if they ever have any mental issues going forward, it is important and ok to talk about them and get help. My mother in law and her brother have both had serious mental illnesses (mother in law was hospitalized for several months because of depression and her brother committed suicide, my husband once told he thinks he had bipolar) and the family never ever talks about any of these issues in any way. 

I am sure the kids will be happy to be home again and to see me. But I have no idea what they are experiencing during the weekend and how that makes them feel. And how will they feel about their dad leaving.

I am sensing of him some of the signs of manic behavior, but I don't know for sure. I've never left the kids alone with him during a manic period. I really hope I am wrong about the manic period this time, but my gut feeling has been right before so I am anxious about that. When that period comes, he knows no limits and feels he can and is entitled to do anything without caring about anyone else's feelings or financials and so on.
 

[GaGrl]

When you say you are seeing someone, is it a lawyer, mediator, counselor?

[Marianne-11]

It's a mediator. But I've started to think now that maybe it would be best for me to talk with a lawyer just in case if he is going into mania on top of his BPD behavior and things go really bad. To be on the safe side and I am not sure if I know all options and best ways forward. To talk with a lawyer might give me peace of mind, although it seems like I have to first accept that things are at that stage.

[ForeverDad]

It is time now for some of your well-intended and natural impulses be modified.  Yes, you and we here are Nice Guys and Nice Gals but our sense of being overly-fair does need limits.

For example, "So he has lived elsewhere for a few months and has not kept much contact with our kids, even if I have encouraged him to do so and asked him not to punish the kids for the divorce."  Frankly, you can do little if anything to influence him to behave better.  Sadly, your telling him to see the children more may be interpreted as you being distressed about his absence.  Probably best to stop telling him to parent.  He's a lousy one at best.  It's okay for his presence to be less.  Probably that's best overall, since he's weaponized it now.

Another one is "He also threatens that he will not pay any child support or help with taking care of them."  Family courts have standardized child support so much that if he fails to pay then they have the option to garnish it from his wages.  Look around your court's lobby or local sheriff's office.  Mine had an information board filled people listed who were way behind on child support.  Yes, courts are remarkable slow on enforcement, but there are some teeth there.

[GaGrl]

It's fine to start out seeing a mediator -- if it works, fine. If it doesn't, you get to walk away and fully engage lawyers. And...you can say you tried mediation in good faith.

Your STBX, having already said he would not pay child support, may balk at agreeing to C.S. and an adequate amount in mediation. It may take a lawyer to help move that along.

With that in mind, can you go ahead and interview three lawyers with experience in high conflict divorce. You don't have to retain one yet, but knowing someone to call when necessary is another task that will lessen your stress.

[Marianne-11]

It is time now for some of your well-intended and natural impulses be modified.  Yes, you and we here are Nice Guys and Nice Gals but our sense of being overly-fair does need limits.

With that in mind, can you go ahead and interview three lawyers with experience in high conflict divorce. You don't have to retain one yet, but knowing someone to call when necessary is another task that will lessen your stress.

You are both right, I really do need to toughen up. Thank you for helping me see this thing more clearly. I am searching for lawyers to contact next week. I've been worried about how bad this will get if I involve a lawyer, will he become furious. But on the other hand, he's already furious and told me how deeply he hates me. (What I will probably never ever understand is how he is totally against divorce even though he seems to hate me so much!)

Maybe it's time I try to stop living in this fear. It's funny how after all these years I deep down still feel that it is my responsibility to make sure of all possible things on behalf of the other parent.

I appreciate so much the support and advice here - thank you, this means so much!

[livednlearned]

Do you have experience or advice what I could do to build up their resilience? I really want to do everything I can about that.

I learned so much from friends here, and also read a lot. The most important thing, more important than anything, was learning how to validate what my son was feeling. I wasn't very good at that during his early years, and in short, essentially protected his dad (made excuses for his behavior) instead of protecting my son and listening to him. Really listening. There is a book called The Power of Validation that I found really helpful, and another called You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. There is a chapter in that book about how to ask validating questions which -- just that skill alone -- has created a strong trusting bond between my son and I. He feels he can talk to me even if it's difficult. More importantly, he trusts what he feels. Having a disordered parent can cause kids to doubt what they feel, what they think, what's real, what's not real. Knowing who you are and having a strong sense of self (which includes knowing how you feel and honoring those feelings) builds a foundation for becoming a healthy, assertive person.

The other books I recommend are William (Bill) Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids: Building Emotional Resilience When One Parent Has BPD (or something like that). He made me aware that how I respond to stress and bullying was more important than anything I might say to my son. Our kids in particular grow up with distorted versions of reality, especially having one parent who says one thing (I love you) and then acts in ways that are anything but. And then the other parent, us, is tied in knots trying to tread water in a sea of dysfunction, not making great sense of what is happening emotionally and psychologically in the family. The skills for many of us are not intuitive and must be learned.

If your husband begins to engage in parental alienation, Divorce Poison by Warshak is excellent. My sense is that you won't experience the worst of his stories -- some kids become deeply brainwashed by the alienating parent -- but you are likely to see some of the behaviors. For example, my ex liked to tell my son I was a liar. If I said there were popsicles in the fridge and it turned out I was wrong, my son would say, "You're a liar." I had to learn to ask validating questions, "Are you sad that there aren't popsicles?" And just focus on how he felt (so he knew and had words to describe those emotions). Then I would move on to questions about how we could solve the problem, something his dad rarely modeled. "We wanted popsicles and it turns out there aren't any. What's something we could do to get them?" And last, I would take time later to help him figure out the difference between lies, secrecy, privacy, forgetfulness, etc. We would do that while watching tv shows or I'd come up with scenarios. I would then tie that back to whatever episode I wanted to clarify. "Remember the time I thought we had popsicles and it turned out I was wrong. Do you think I was being private? Or do you think that was more like forgetfulness? If we ate them when your friends came over and I forgot about that, is that the same as lying?"

I also made sure to let him know how I felt, too. But not all of this, all the time, or all at once. He used to say that I loved the dog more than him (something his dad would say) and I had a variety of responses. One was "Ouch. That must really hurt to feel that way." Or, "Wow. How did it feel when daddy said that to you? My feelings would be really hurt if someone said that to me."

Another was "It makes me so sad when you say that. Let's talk about things that happen to make you feel that way. Maybe we can come up with ways to do things different."

And when I had had enough, "I'm the only person who gets to say how I feel. Please ask me how I feel instead of telling me -- I promise to tell you how I truly feel." For those situations, feelings can be really simple. "I feel sad" or "I feel scared." They don't have to be complicated because most feelings aren't really complicated.

I also completely understand what you mean about not disparaging a parent's mental illness. My son, like your 3 year old, showed signs of being very sensitive at a young age. He is still sensitive. I worried that he inherited his dad's sensitive genotype and might be prone to similar challenges so when it was finally ok to discuss (in the context of things his dad had done) his dad's potential illness, I said that the problem wasn't that he was sick, it's that he would not take care of himself and talk to someone who could help.  

how will they feel about their dad leaving.

It's going to be exquisitely painful. For a long time. My advice would be to bear witness to their pain and let them feel what they're going through. Learn to tolerate sadness in yourself so you can tolerate it in them. That way, you model for them that you trust they are resilient and can get through something difficult. I was often sweeping things under the rug, moving on too quickly, putting a silver lining on things way too fast, essentially telling my son I didn't have the capacity to hear how he genuinely felt, and preventing him from going through the important stages of grief and healing. You can only hide those feelings for so long. Eventually, they come out somewhere, somehow. And the longer they stay buried, the harder they punch when they come out 

I am sensing of him some of the signs of manic behavior, but I don't know for sure. I've never left the kids alone with him during a manic period. I really hope I am wrong about the manic period this time, but my gut feeling has been right before so I am anxious about that. When that period comes, he knows no limits and feels he can and is entitled to do anything without caring about anyone else's feelings or financials and so on.

My ex also had manic episodes, and under extreme stress he displayed psychosis. I recommend you start documenting everything that happens, even if it seems insignificant, and talk to a couple of lawyers to find out how things work in your state. There is no need for him to know that you're talking to lawyers. His reckless behavior has created a dynamic of distrust and need for caution, and gathering information does not necessarily mean you have to make any rash decisions. Plus, he is not in a frame of mind right now to handle this kind of information well. You want to be as prepared as possible and that means taking time to digest what you learn from lawyers.

As the wheels come off, he is likely to regress and demonstrate more worrisome behaviors so the more information you have in advance, the more effective you'll be when you have to make quick decisions that work in favor of protecting yourself and the kids.

In many ways, my divorce was the beginning of the healing period for our son. It wasn't possible to parent him in healthy ways when I was married to his dad. Now, at 19, my son is very capable of describing how he feels, and is extraordinarily astute at reading people. He still has a ways to go and lots of challenges ahead, so we're not out of the woods. But we're in much better shape than we would be if he grew up inside the same home as his dad, at least a dad who denied the severity of his mental illness(es).

[Marianne-11]

Thank you so much livednlearned! I am sorry you've also had to experience these problems but so happy for you that you are now in much better situation. Hearing that it is possible gives me also comfort and hope.

And from the bottom of my heart thank you for sharing experience and advice. Your examples about how you discussed feelings with your son has given me a lot to think about. I also already started to look for these books you mention. 

"My ex also had manic episodes, and under extreme stress he displayed psychosis. I recommend you start documenting everything that happens, even if it seems insignificant, and talk to a couple of lawyers to find out how things work in your state. There is no need for him to know that you're talking to lawyers. His reckless behavior has created a dynamic of distrust and need for caution, and gathering information does not necessarily mean you have to make any rash decisions. Plus, he is not in a frame of mind right now to handle this kind of information well. You want to be as prepared as possible and that means taking time to digest what you learn from lawyers.

As the wheels come off, he is likely to regress and demonstrate more worrisome behaviors so the more information you have in advance, the more effective you'll be when you have to make quick decisions that work in favor of protecting yourself and the kids."

Getting information as much as possible feels really important. And I'll start documenting events. Maybe that helps me also keep my own balance a bit better when I write the events down instead of trying to make sense of things in my head. At least that way I can somehow be preparing and not just waiting anxiously about the next unpleasant surprises.

Feels like there is a long road ahead to recovery from this experience for me and the kids.     

[Marianne-11]

So I got the kids back home and that was such a relief! First thing my 3 year old asked crying in the car was that "mum, why did you not come". Both boys were sad and told them that is ok, I understand and it is ok to cry if they feel like it. They did for a few minutes. At home they begin to do their usual stuff and acted normal.

I suppose all went fine except one thing that really bothers me. 3 year old said he had been swimming (he most certainly cannot really swim) in the sea and went "really deep in the water, much deeper than ever". I asked where was dad at the time, and was told that he was far away with someone ie. not looking after him. I find this troubling if he let such a young boy go alone to the sea and apparently pretty deep for a small child who cannot swim.

Should I approach STBX and ask directly what this incident was all about and make sure he understands how risky the situation was? He has limited ability to take into account the mental wellbeing of others around him, but if he takes risks with his child's physical safety, then that is just unbearable. I feel like I should ask and even if he likely either will not respond at all or will get furious, then at least I would've said it is not ok and cannot happen again.

I am going to talk with a lawyer next week so I'll ask what to do when this kind of safety concerns come up.

 

[ForeverDad]

Did any of the older children notice S3 in the deeper water and whether anyone was watching out for him?

[Marianne-11]

Unfortunately not, S11 was playing with his cousins at their house at the time and was not at the beach with them. Only S3 and his dad, and likely plenty of people at the beach at the same time but not anyone S3 knew. My son often tells me if something is puzzling his mind and this thing clearly was. So this is all based on what S3 told me. I feel like I should ask STBX what happened, is this true (I have no doubt, though, knowing my son) and let him know my opinion that it is not ok to leave a child in the water alone and that should never happen again. My instinct to act on this could be wrong, I just don't know.   

[kells76]

Hi Marianne-11, welcome to the group.

My instinct to act on this could be wrong, I just don't know.   

That's such a tricky situation when the other parent is disordered. Our experience with DH's kids' mom is that she is a pro at not taking responsibility and not seeing or accepting her contribution to unsafe or unhealthy situations.

What do you think your sons' dad would say if you communicated what you wanted to bring up?

What would be your overall goal, or "perfect world" outcome, of sharing your opinion with your sons' dad?

cheers;

kells76

[Marianne-11]

Hi kells76 and thank you!

In perfect world response would be something like I did not realize it, am sorry and will make sure it does not happen again and understand that he needs attention because of safety and because we see so seldom.

It did not happen though, because I contacted him and tried my best to use SET. Well, response was that nothing like that happened and S3 has imagined this, he was never far away and S3 was not in deep water.

Well, I don't think a kid his age would've just out of the blue imagined this. He also had a big tantrum this morning (not very much like him) which I figure is just him dealing with difficult emotions.

Today I am just happy that the kids are home. Feeling really tired but booked an appointment with a lawyer and started to read one of the books mentioned in this group. Baby steps forward, I guess.     

 

[Marianne-11]

Hi all, I feel like I need to vent a little bit. Picked up the kids from my ex Sunday (everything seems to have gone well during the weekend, which I am grateful for). But he actually tried to see if his charm still works with me. I figured something like this might happen because instead of the complete silence, he sent me some pics of the kids and tone of the messages was like nothing at all had happened between us. Even sent one message (photo of younger kid) to me late in the evening.

I've been going to short forest/hiking trips with the kids, and now he also does this with them. He never used to do this kind of things before, did not like hiking.

And during the weekend he had even said to younger son that he will come back to our home after his holiday (which is in August). I am so tired of these mind games! I should not be surprised though, but still I feel oh so frustrated. 

I guess I just needed to vent in a safe place. I have been feeling a bit better recently, but every time I have to have any contact with ex I can't sleep well and feel like being dragged back to his borderline world.

Thank you for reading!   

[kells76]

Hi Marianne-11;

This is a good place to vent -- join the club!

I've been going to short forest/hiking trips with the kids, and now he also does this with them. He never used to do this kind of things before, did not like hiking.

Yes, I can relate to that. As far as I know, the kids' mom was NOT outdoorsy when she and DH were married. Now, according to the kids, "she always wanted to go camping; why didn't you guys go camping more?" There is a rewriting of history to subtly suggest that SHE always was the outdoorsy one, and DH was "holding her back" or whatever. So, I can relate to seeing disordered people change their "interests" rapidly, and often based on what a (formerly) close significant other's interest may be.

It could be a "porous boundaries" situation, where the other person doesn't comprehend that it's fine, and perhaps appropriate, for the kids to have some activities with one parent and different activities with the other. There's a flavor of "I have to take over and seep into whatever you're doing with your other parent".

It could also be a "win-lose" situation, where the disordered person must "take over" and "dominate" the interest -- there's no room for two people to have the same interest, it's "I'm on top and I have the true interest in this great activity; you never had the real, true interest that I do. I am real; you are not".

I am so tired of these mind games! I should not be surprised though, but still I feel oh so frustrated.

It's so exhausting, isn't it? The disordered parent spends so much time and energy on being disordered, and we can get sucked into it. I've been there; I am there. What you're describing is so familiar: Why should I be surprised when this person has shown me with their actions for years that they aren't rational? And yet, there I am, surprised and frustrated again.

I guess I just needed to vent in a safe place. I have been feeling a bit better recently, but every time I have to have any contact with ex I can't sleep well and feel like being dragged back to his borderline world.

How can we take care of ourselves when these things happen, which are outside of our control yet are hurtful to the kids? I find myself struggling to care for me, and wanting to "fix it" for the kids -- get them to see the dysfunction so they can escape it. It's really painful and tiring to get "dragged back", just like you said.

I guess I just needed to vent in a safe place.

That's a wise move to help take care of yourself. Am I remembering correctly that you also do tai chi (I might be mixing you up with someone else)?

If I'm really emotionally swamped I sometimes take LONG walks, or dig up blackberry roots out in the yard. Do you have things to do or focus on that give your mind a break?

[Marianne-11]

Hi Kells,

thank you for responding  It is so crazy how the patterns of behavior can be so similar! And more often than I'd like to admit, it's so exhausting. It's one thing to intellectually on some level understand why they might behave like they do because of the disorder, and yet emotionally I do also struggle. 

Just like you say, I also want very much to "fix things for the kids" and then get drawn back and forget myself. I am so happy you have found such good ways to take moments to yourself, it is so important. I would love long walks as well, but apart from the four days per month kids are supposed to be with their dad, I am with them if not working. I of course love being with them, but sometimes a peaceful moment to myself would be welcome 

I do yoga  , but I've noticed that I tend to avoid it on the toughest of days because I feel I can't focus and on the other had want to avoid yoga becoming something that reminds me of this pain. Maybe I just need to get over this concern and get back to my yoga routine.

Today I found out why my ex was trying to charm me on Sunday. As background information, he is the high functioning type and has a day job, but he is also a musician and has agreed a small (I would suppose because of the covid situation  ) gig or a trip with his band mates when it should be his weekend with the kids in August. So he asked if I could have the kids that weekend, and he would take them again in September! So for the kids it would be a whole month of not seeing their dad. Now, I had also already planned a longer hiking trip with my two friends for the same weekend of August because naturally I thought the kids would be with their father.

I replied I am sorry but I had already made plans for that weekend. I also asked what does he think is the right thing to do here. I don't know if that was a totally stupid response from me? I don't trust my skills in dealing with the disordered behavior. Anyhow, he has not replied anything back.

I feel like I should not have to change my plans because when I have asked for his help with the kids (that has been extremely rare), he usually does not even answer. Not to mention the kids will be so dissapointed their dad will not see them in August.

On a side note, he is not at all helping me with anything with the kids nor does he pay child support.

I think this is the third time he would like to change schedules regarding the kids' visits. He feels entitled to it and if I say no for a good reason, I am just simply a terrible person. I feel this is unfair to the kids and me both. Am I unreasonable to think so? Seems that rules and principles apply only to me, and it's ok for him to do whatever and act however.

I hope this text is making sense, I am feeling pretty angry, frustrated and disappointed at the moment, to be honest    He knows I am struggling financially in this situation when he is not contributing, not to mention he does not help with kids, refuses to agree on anything and on top of that he seems to have the right to change the only thing that has been agreed and that's the every other weekend with kids.

At the end of the day, seems like I have no choice but to cancel my plans. Otherwise he'll likely just take the kids with the band and from past experience I know there will be heavy drinking, not a safe environment at all.

[Marianne-11]

And now he responded that he will just hire a random person to babysit the kids in a hotel room while he prepares for and plays the gig and as always, goes out with his friends. So time with dad changed to hotel room with a stranger and worrying about dad's condition. Not an option in real life.   

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like you could use a ROFR clause (Right of First Refusal) in your parenting order.  Of course, having that clause could backfire on you depending upon the circumstances.  In any case, you declined to adjust your schedule and a ROFR clause wouldn't have changed that.

I guess a question is, are you willing to change your schedule to reduce the kids experiencing poor or questionable substitute care?  Many here (such as me years ago when I had minimal parenting time) would respond that extra time is a good thing.  Another thought, if you had said yes, could you have stated your condition to refuse to give him make-up time at a later date?  Don't worry, there's no right or wrong, no perfect answer to that question.

[Marianne-11]

Hi Forever Dad, thank you for reading and replying! I think I have no real choise but to cancel my plans. I can’t take any risks and asked S11 (neutrally) if he wants to go to a hotel, he said absolutely no way. He’d rather be at home.

My ex can be really scary and has no control over his impulses when he is drunk, and that is for sure what always happens on these trips. I’ve had to go pick him up in the middle of the night when he has passed out in the rain at a gas station, many times he has not come home all, he can be aggressive and mean, once (years ago) he even ”joked” to a taxi driver after actually an exceptionally nice evening when I thought that everything went nicely, that I should be killed and my pieces thrown to the trash in a black plastic bag. That was just a harmless joke in his opinion, and I was overreacting when I got totally  scared and later mad. Just a joke! According to him, right reaction from me would’ve been to laugh. He got mad at me for not understanding that it was a joke.

Once I agreed to drive 3 hours to take our eldest (he was 7 or 8 at the time, because youngest was just a baby) son to this place where they were playing and the plan was that they would continue by train (5 hours from there) to my exs parents for a week of holiday. I promised I’d do this if he promises to be sober. (Oldest is very stressed if dad takes alcohol).  He agreed to it. Well I drove there at the agreed time, we had to wait like an hour before he came. Drunk of course but claiming he had not taken anything. Asked if there is more in his bag. Absolutely not, he said. I opened the bag and took out nearly ten beer cans intended ”for the road”. And he thought that was ok when he was supposed to travel by himself with a kid. Yet another case when I was overreacting in his opinion.

These are just a couple of examples of what can be expected and why I don’t trust him if he is not sober. There are plenty of these stories but you get my point.

He himself offered that he will next take the kids in September, so seems like he does not want to be with them during August and wants to enjoy his holiday. I don’t want to alienate the kids from him. I actually would just like to see him balanced and doing his part. Kids are disappointed they’re not going to see him for a whole month. Now I have to explain this to them in some nice way that they don’t feel hurt. And I feel annoyed that in his view it’s ok not to help me in anyway when he will not be flexible with anything.

But instead he should be able to change plans as he pleases and I need to just cancel mine because I really have no choice. I am never going to make the kids suffer just because he can’t put their needs first. Rules don’t really apply to him, they are for others 

[Marianne-11]

And by now he has already informed he has agreed to do gigs nearly all weekends next summer (if covid situation allows). I just better get used to it. From previous times like this I already know there is a big chance he will be in a manic state when he drinks all weekends and does not really sleep. His psychiatrist said in his evaluation something like he can not diagnose bipolar because the symptoms were not present when they met. But it was one of the possibilities, and not ruled out but can only be diagnosed if the symptoms are clear when he comes to see him. My ex is 48 years old, so not a young boy anymore. He should know better and be able to learn from the past but seems to do the same cycles all over again.   

[Marianne-11]

And finally when I ask what does he propose as a better alternative since he obviously can't be with the kids every other weekend (originally his wish) in the future, the answer is that he is not an average joe but a special person with special needs. I need to basically suck it up and adjust.

What do you say, is this ok behavior? Am I unreasonable because I feel this is unfair? I can't tell anymore and am really tired of not being able to count on anything from his side. How I wish I was over this phase already. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice.   

[ForeverDad]

Every other weekend, whether a long one or a short one, is almost universal in the courts and states.  However, they do make exceptions for emergency workers such as police, firefighters, paramedics, doctor and nurses.  In such cases they can set up a schedule for alternate midweek visits.  A local lawyer could tell you what the local court would choose to do in his case.

The problem remains that your ex almost surely couldn't follow even a different schedule which accommodates his weekend gigs.  It is what it is.  Yes, the kids might be disappointed to some extent but that's the reality.  You can be "age appropriate" frank with them about the reduced visits while still avoiding badmouthing him.  It is what it is.

[Marianne-11]

Yes, told S11 the situation, tried being as neutral as I could - I think I succeeded in that respect. He was disappointed, but what else can I expect. Cancelled my plans. Like you say, it is what it is. Better get over this disappointment and keep in mind that one day we will be out of this hell 

[livednlearned]

I don’t want to alienate the kids from him. I actually would just like to see him balanced and doing his part.

Alienation is something that people with personality disorders are wired to do with their kids, not normal- range parents.

You want the kids to have a relationship with their. That's a normal-range parenting desire. He is failing to be a good parent, and you want to protect the kids from that abuse and pain. That is also normal-range parenting. It's different than alienation  

I think it's important that normal-range parents (like you  *)don't use the word alienation to describe what are instinctively protective parenting behaviors, like keeping the kids safe when the other parent fails to do that.

The challenge for many of us is protecting kids from their other parent. That's a radically hard parenting skill and confusing it with alienation will make you second guess important instincts  

Kids are disappointed they’re not going to see him for a whole month. Now I have to explain this to them in some nice way that they don’t feel hurt.

Most of us eventually learn that validating the pain that our kids experience builds emotional resilience and helps our kids learn to cope. Validation tells them that we have faith they are emotionally resilient enough to experience difficult feelings, and that we are there to bear witness to those feelings together (intimacy).

If you think about the excruciating pain they are experiencing, glossing over rejection with nice language isn't going to cut it, and might even make them feel confused about the intensity of their pain (why am I feeling so awful if mom says dad is ________).

What they are facing is the truth of this painful relationship. And truth (what dad does and how they feel about it) is the only path that's going to help them make sense of this tragically painful relationship.

It's ok to tell them that dad made plans for Aug that you feel is unsafe for them -- it's your job to make sure they are safe -- and let the kids express how they feel. It's ok to say, "I am angry he made the choice he did, and it pains me to see you hurt. I made the decision that it's safer for you to be here with me. I will talk to your dad about what September looks like."

That isn't alienation. That's simply acknowledging your feelings and theirs. It also tells them that you are stepping into the role of making good decisions that take their well-being into consideration, something that you will likely be doing because he cannot.

And to be honest, bearing witness to the pain your kids feel is excruciating. For me, it made me realize how uncomfortable I was experiencing my own pain  If it's any consolation, I have found it becomes easier over time to both feel pain and bear witness to it, especially when I saw my son learn to regulate his feelings of frustration and sadness, and to turn this into wisdom and empathy.

I feel annoyed that in his view it’s ok not to help me in anyway when he will not be flexible with anything

This is probably going to happen repeatedly. In one sense, it's an opportunity to get square with your values so you have some guideposts going forward when this stuff pops up again.

It seems like you have identified the most important value: the kids' safety comes first. That might translate into: Given his poor choices and their emotional safety, you will take parenting time even if it inconveniences you. However, even though it inconveniences you, there are boundaries associated with this value. For example, maybe when he says certain weeks don't work for him, you don't offer to swap times. Or, if he asks to swap, your response is that yes, you will take care of the kids during his time, and no, there will be no swapping.

We don't get a say in how our ex spouses will change, but we do have a lot of say in how we respond to them. It's not easy, and it's also a way to make sure we maintain boundaries (and self-respect).

[Marianne-11]

Thank you livednlearned for taking the time to reply and with so much wisdom! I really really needed your wise words today. I am in tears because it means so much that you get what is going on and are so supportive, so thank you again I have been so angry and it is beyond painful to deal with this situation and trying to figure out how I should approach these recent events with the kids.

You've given me so much to think about and valuable tools. It is best to not sugarcoat this, you are absolutely right that it would likely just confuse the kids and not trust their feelings. One big fear of mine is that the kids might not for some reason express their feelings anymore and that the mental health issues continue with the next generation. I want to do everything I can to prevent that. (A few years back my ex's mom was in a hospital several months because of depression, and her brother has committed suicide. My ex's brother is severely depressed. Mental health issues are not discussed in any way, it seems like the family is in denial about these problems. And I get that, it's difficult, however also I am afraid it increases the risk that the next generation continues to carry the same pain.)   

And what you say about normal range parenting and that wanting to keep the kids safe is normal, that is so true and I needed to hear that. Core symptoms of my ex's BPD is that he can be a bit paranoid and thinks that people (not just me but also at work) want bad things to happen to him. He's told me this during his more stable days. Anyhow, being accused of a whole lot of crazy things over the years have left me second guessing myself a lot. But I guess many here have experienced the same. I'll have to learn to trust my instincts again. But I do feel very strongly that safety must come first and that is something that is not negotiable. Thank you for validating me in this area!

"And to be honest, bearing witness to the pain your kids feel is excruciating. For me, it made me realize how uncomfortable I was experiencing my own pain  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) If it's any consolation, I have found it becomes easier over time to both feel pain and bear witness to it, especially when I saw my son learn to regulate his feelings of frustration and sadness, and to turn this into wisdom and empathy."

It really is excruciating. I've not known anything as painful as witnessing my kids being hurt by their own dad. I really struggle to understand how somebody can have no empathy and understanding for their own kids.

I love to hear that your son has been able to turn what must have been terrible pain into wisdom and empathy, that gives me so much consolation  . That is what I hope for my kids as well. You can be so proud of yourself for being there for him and helping him through tough times! 

And yes, you address an important point regarding my own emotional wellbeing. I've been struggling thinking about how can I keep my boundaries and self respect in this situation. Taking the extra parenting time and not swapping is what I will do. I informed my ex that I will take care of the kids in August and was civil to him. He did not manage even a thank you, but instead presented himself as a victim because over the years he has had to take the kids to daycare too many times because of my work related travelling. Oh boy...
 
Thanks again Livednlearned for helping so much