My 40 yr old daughter with BPD

[Shark bait]

This is my first post !
My 40 yr old daughter confronted me saying that I am not here for her and that I deserted her at the time she needed me most.
She has been grieving over the death of her ex husband for the past three weeks. My husband told her that she needs to contact him and not me, because I am seeing my psychologist
and that I am working on my codependent behavior with her.
I told her that if she needed me, she could have called and that I would be there to listen to her. She said that we made it difficult for her by going through my husband in order to talk to me. She has a way of roping me into her delusional thinking, so it is better if she talks to me with my husband on phone too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!  Sounds to me like you are practicing good self care here. It is draining to have to be on the defensive with our BPD kids , I tell you!  One thing that helps is me saying "so what?" to myself  whenever a false accusation is hurled at me.  It burns they think this , but another truism is :'What others think of me is none of my business.'Keep on with therapy because that is a good support .    This may help-  BPD s don't often know how to deal with harsh emotions like grief , so it explodes out as rage.   However way you feel the most comfortable to communicate with her is the right way ( as it is not abusive toward her, of course and that goes without saying!". Keep us posted.

[Huat]

Hello Shark-bait

I join Swimmy55 in welcoming you here.

I can remember how daunting it was for me when I made my first post on this website.  It took a while to get the confidence in knowing I would indeed be anonymous.  It took a while to get familiar with how to navigate through all the aspects of it.  Practice makes "perfect."

So your troubled daughter has told you that you are not here for her...that you deserted her at the time when she needed you most.   I can't tell you that has sent shock waves through this community of parents.  Pretty well all of us have heard those words...many, many times.  Does that make it less hurtful to you?  Of course not.  No parent, knowing they are doing their best, wants to hear that from their child.

Good to read that you are seeing a psychologist...for yourself.   You are not sitting idly by, absorbing the blows that come in your direction.  You are working towards a healing for yourself.   Never lose sight of the fact that we, the parents, are just as important as our children.  You, your husband, the rest of your family should not let your quality of life...your happiness...pivot on what is happening with your daughter.  Easier said than done?  Yep!

It seems to be very difficult for someone suffering from BPD to be able to take responsibility for their actions...so much easier to put the fault on someone else...and parents can be the most convenient ones.

Until I started to work on myself, I had gotten to the point where my health was suffering...mentally and physically.  Our daughter who first starting running away at age 12 is now 54.  We have a loong history of drama...dysfunction.   I credit so much of my healing (a "work-in-progress" by the way) to my participation in this forum...airing my heart and my hurts...learning from the information available and the others who are here...and reaching out to people like you...especially Moms.

For sure...no magic answers to any reformation in the troubled souls who share our life.  Change, though, has to start with us.  They are so entrenched...so comfortable with the status quo that there is no incentive for them to instigate change. 

One of the "gems" that has worked well for me is bringing to mind the acronym..."J-A-D-E".   That is, when in a conversation that is getting out of control...don't...Justify-Argue-Deny-Explain.  Each one of those reactions adds fuel to the fire and the beat goes on and on and...   On the other hand, it is good to find the words to acknowledge and validate their feelings because, fogged up or not, those are their feelings.

Once again, Shark-bait, welcome.  Hope you feel more and more comfortable in sharing what is happening in life with your daughter.   You are receiving professional help/guidance...the help you receive with that would be interesting info to others who are not...perhaps even giving them the idea to pursue treatment for themselves.

Here is to happier days for all of us.

Huat

[Shark bait]

Thank you for your information
It truly helps me and I am grateful