He tossed out insults at the slightest pushback Part 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'll second the motion for a good deal of centering time.  The whirl of crazy can make it hard to sort out what is real and important and what is "noise".  Often our raw feelings help confuse that as well.

Many times (most of the time) it's helpful to "back up" and look at the big picture ask some simple questions.  As Babyducks has below.

  You did not owe him anything.   there is a reasonable expectation that as an adult he could have figured this out himself.    what was stopping him from calling the bank... getting on the website... resetting his password... creating a login.. getting the bank statement and going through it...creating a budget.    You know any of the dozen things normally done by a functioning adult?

Would you agree that you are functioning as his accountant.   I would argue "overfunctioning".  When he decides to whirl into financial town, he asks questions and the floodgates of information flow out from you (and of course he insults you and rewrites history).



Several posts back I tried to inject some humor and also make a point.  I don't think the point "landed"

You are willing to listen to an apology for the way he treats his cook (you).  If it seems sincere, you are willing to watch carefully to see if he treats his cook differently in the future.

 

I was purposeful to use the language "his cook" to see if I got a "hey...wait I minute..I'm not "his".

That's what I'm talking about when I talk about big picture.  I'm going to venture out on a limb and suggest that UBPDHelp was focused on details and missed the big picture thing about "being his".

So...after some centering time, ask yourself if "being his (fill in the blank) is a role you are willing to continue playing?  Should you continue playing it?

Last:  I obviously tend to be on the optimistic side of dealing with pwBPDs and many of my comments can easily be taken as trying to "save he r/s" and "improve the r/s". 

It's important to clarify the goal is to "improve" UBPDhelp's role in her family.  That's very separate from her choices on the status of her marriage and her decisions about her marriage.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

I'll second the motion for a good deal of centering time.  The whirl of crazy can make it hard to sort out what is real and important and what is "noise".  Often our raw feelings help confuse that as well.

Many times (most of the time) it's helpful to "back up" and look at the big picture ask some simple questions.  As Babyducks has below.

  You did not owe him anything.   there is a reasonable expectation that as an adult he could have figured this out himself.    what was stopping him from calling the bank... getting on the website... resetting his password... creating a login.. getting the bank statement and going through it...creating a budget.    You know any of the dozen things normally done by a functioning adult?

Would you agree that you are functioning as his accountant.   I would argue "overfunctioning".  When he decides to whirl into financial town, he asks questions and the floodgates of information flow out from you (and of course he insults you and rewrites history).



Several posts back I tried to inject some humor and also make a point.  I don't think the point "landed"

You are willing to listen to an apology for the way he treats his cook (you).  If it seems sincere, you are willing to watch carefully to see if he treats his cook differently in the future.

 

I was purposeful to use the language "his cook" to see if I got a "hey...wait I minute..I'm not "his".

That's what I'm talking about when I talk about big picture.  I'm going to venture out on a limb and suggest that UBPDHelp was focused on details and missed the big picture thing about "being his".

So...after some centering time, ask yourself if "being his (fill in the blank) is a role you are willing to continue playing?  Should you continue playing it?

Last:  I obviously tend to be on the optimistic side of dealing with pwBPDs and many of my comments can easily be taken as trying to "save he r/s" and "improve the r/s". 

It's important to clarify the goal is to "improve" UBPDhelp's role in her family.  That's very separate from her choices on the status of her marriage and her decisions about her marriage.

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Big couple of breathing exercise moments...

If he isn't capable of better, how do you square that judgment with the lack of dishes being flung around and hot liquid being thrown?

What is status of "the dirty dish"?

Best,

FF

Agree on the deep breaths. 

I don’t mean to appear to be talking in absolutes. I don’t believe he can get sufficiently better that I am able to continue. I don’t believe any change he makes is anything but temporary.

I can’t explain how I got here. I can’t explain what happened in the last seven years and then more so the last year that caused the rapid fire change in bad behavior that had only shown itself here and there, but all along.

Because I can’t understand it (and maybe why I’ve so desperately tried, focusing a lot on him), I feel MUCH concern that it can’t be fixed. I’m not looking for perfection, I’m looking for tolerable sprinkled with occasionally good.

Much of my hesitation/frozen has been FEAR of how much worse leaving would be.  A month ago it was he would let me decide custody, he would pay alimony/CS to the calculated formula. All he wanted was his name back.  Yesterday, I get the intimidating email as if I’m doing something dubious. Truthfully nothing dubious but it does feel like sh!t not fulfilling financial obligations. I have tried, I have talked to him about it. A lot of promises that have never been kept. Add total meltdown when trying to reset that and I learned (not correctly) to not discuss and just try to manage. Yes, I can throw the bills to him, BUT he’d likely decide he needs a vacation or some thing and the house and electricity impact us all.  Feels like lose lose.

Anyway, I can accept he can change as much as he’s willing. I don’t believe it’s enough.

[UBPDHelp]

Wow, there are a lot of moving parts going around in this thread.          

UBPDHelp,

You have a lot going on and much of it stressful.   Take a couple of minutes... literally please take a couple of minutes ... to center yourself.    sit and stare out the window.    do some deep breathing exercises.    collect your energy and your inner strength.    build your resolve.    do a little stress relief exercise.    a little guided meditation.  google and youtube are full of them.

Yes, I am trying. At the moment he is holding. I am elsewhere. Distance helps. Deep breaths.

an abuser needs to be right and in control. and thrives on exerting power on their victim; someone must be the loser.

Does he know he’s abusing?

It’s ridiculously stupid. I’m sorry. I’m not threatening. I’m compassionate and will stand up for myself. I haven’t with him so much because meltdown avoidance. Now I don’t care. I get bullish!t regardless so I no longer bend. He doesn’t like it and seems mostly confused by it.    

you've given it careful thought.   you know best.   its your decision and it's complex.    its what is best for you and for the kids.    No One should suggest otherwise.

Thank you. It’s hard. If it were just me, I might allow myself to believe there’s hope. When the kids have expressed their feelings I will now be complicit in letting the abuse to continue. That I cannot allow.

  

Memory is often fuzzy after/during a dysregulation.   Being stunned could be a reflection of being called out on his bad behavior.

This is beyond. He has been confused each time I’ve told him. He tries to rewrite what happened.  Assign me the blame. I have refused it of late. He definitely doesn’t like that BUT seems to notice his old tricks no longer work.

there are times where a relationship becomes irreparably broken.   when a relationship has failed and can not be recovered.    it's sad.   it's tragic.   it is what it is.   if you are ready to say this relationship is failed... that is what matters.

It is. He’s said it 500 times. Maybe just an attempt to control. But that’s much the behavior that broke it.
  

it's a moot point right now.   this is a false argument.  or gaslighting.   which ever you prefer to call it.   don't bother trying to prove it.

This isn’t a personal need. I am quite concerned that he will twist the truth and absolve himself of financial responsibility on these things. He’s a super aggressive litigator.  He knows how to spin an argument. He can be charming. I’m hoping I can establish joint responsibility.  I hope that makes sense.

I would suggest we work to deepen/broaden/expand your ability to work with the JADE tool.     right now the JADE tool is being employed in a transactional way.    I will (or will not) JADE and I will get XYZ in return.

I would suggest we add another A to JADE.   Justify.   Argue.    Assist.   Defend.   Explain.

Your husband is an educated and professional adult with a high intellect.   Still you explained to him what was in the various accounts and what was coming due.   Assisting and Explaining to some one is being verbally and financially abusive is not a good place to put your energy.   You did not owe him anything.   there is a reasonable expectation that as an adult he could have figured this out himself.    what was stopping him from calling the bank... getting on the website... resetting his password... creating a login.. getting the bank statement and going through it...creating a budget.    You know any of the dozen things normally done by a functioning adult?

to deepen or expand the JADE tool ... you can work to stop JADE-ing verbally to him in conversations but you can also work to identify when JADE is in play in your head.     and then gently redirect your own thinking into more productive pathways for you.    "hmmm - my first thought was I need to explain to him about the accounts and the bills... what do I get out of this?   how is this productive for me?    what could I do that protects me and moves me in the direction of my goals?"

how does that sound to you?

I like this. I need time to sort out how this works. Give me some time.

'ducks

P.S.  your mailbox is full... can you clean out your PVT mail?

Thanks BabyDucks.  

I didn’t realize...cleared out. Thank you!

[Cat Familiar]

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