Wow, there are a lot of moving parts going around in this thread.
UBPDHelp,
You have a lot going on and much of it stressful. Take a couple of minutes... literally please take a couple of minutes ... to center yourself. sit and stare out the window. do some deep breathing exercises. collect your energy and your inner strength. build your resolve. do a little stress relief exercise. a little guided meditation. google and youtube are full of them.
Yes, I am trying. At the moment he is holding. I am elsewhere. Distance helps. Deep breaths.
an abuser needs to be right and in control. and thrives on exerting power on their victim; someone must be the loser.
Does he know he’s abusing?
It’s ridiculously stupid. I’m sorry. I’m not threatening. I’m compassionate and will stand up for myself. I haven’t with him so much because meltdown avoidance. Now I don’t care. I get bullish!t regardless so I no longer bend. He doesn’t like it and seems mostly confused by it.
you've given it careful thought. you know best. its your decision and it's complex. its what is best for you and for the kids. No One should suggest otherwise.
Thank you. It’s hard. If it were just me, I might allow myself to believe there’s hope. When the kids have expressed their feelings I will now be complicit in letting the abuse to continue. That I cannot allow.
Memory is often fuzzy after/during a dysregulation. Being stunned could be a reflection of being called out on his bad behavior.
This is beyond. He has been confused each time I’ve told him. He tries to rewrite what happened. Assign me the blame. I have refused it of late. He definitely doesn’t like that BUT seems to notice his old tricks no longer work.
there are times where a relationship becomes irreparably broken. when a relationship has failed and can not be recovered. it's sad. it's tragic. it is what it is. if you are ready to say this relationship is failed... that is what matters.
It is. He’s said it 500 times. Maybe just an attempt to control. But that’s much the behavior that broke it.
it's a moot point right now. this is a false argument. or gaslighting. which ever you prefer to call it. don't bother trying to prove it.
This isn’t a personal need. I am quite concerned that he will twist the truth and absolve himself of financial responsibility on these things. He’s a super aggressive litigator. He knows how to spin an argument. He can be charming. I’m hoping I can establish joint responsibility. I hope that makes sense.
I would suggest we work to deepen/broaden/expand your ability to work with the JADE tool. right now the JADE tool is being employed in a transactional way. I will (or will not) JADE and I will get XYZ in return.
I would suggest we add another A to JADE. Justify. Argue. Assist. Defend. Explain.
Your husband is an educated and professional adult with a high intellect. Still you explained to him what was in the various accounts and what was coming due. Assisting and Explaining to some one is being verbally and financially abusive is not a good place to put your energy. You did not owe him anything. there is a reasonable expectation that as an adult he could have figured this out himself. what was stopping him from calling the bank... getting on the website... resetting his password... creating a login.. getting the bank statement and going through it...creating a budget. You know any of the dozen things normally done by a functioning adult?
to deepen or expand the JADE tool ... you can work to stop JADE-ing verbally to him in conversations but you can also work to identify when JADE is in play in your head. and then gently redirect your own thinking into more productive pathways for you. "hmmm - my first thought was I need to explain to him about the accounts and the bills... what do I get out of this? how is this productive for me? what could I do that protects me and moves me in the direction of my goals?"
how does that sound to you?
I like this. I need time to sort out how this works. Give me some time.
'ducks
P.S. your mailbox is full... can you clean out your PVT mail?
Thanks BabyDucks.
I didn’t realize...cleared out. Thank you!
