Mom's visit with family, her words and behavior, and past trauma

[Methuen]

Today I'm feeling conflicted.  We hosted out-of-town company last weekend.  It was great!  We have a lot of fun with my cousin and her husband.  My mom came for dinner last night (to see her niece), and conversation moved to past family trauma.  It never takes long.  When I was a child and one of mom's sisters would come to visit, I would always overhear them talking about the same unresolved issues.  Now she's 84 and still brings up this old stuff every time long-distance family comes to visit.  Last night, she complained how every summer when one of her sisters came to visit (they made these annual trips for almost 40 years), they would always bring up "old family stuff", and how much she hated that.  Meanwhile, she's the one bringing up old family trauma at our family dinner!   Neither she, nor anyone else can see how she's blaming others for the same thing she does.  I didn't like hearing her blame my aunt, for the very thing she did, and was still doing.  Meanwhile, our guests kindly listen and accept it at face value as fact.  I had to sit and listen to her tell her distorted stories all night, but I stayed quiet because our own adult children were also there, and questioning the accuracy of her memories or storytelling is pointless.  To me what she says often comes across as lies, but I understand it's really just distortions, mental defense mechanisms, and it's likely rooted in a deep self-loathing.  If I remembered an event or memory differently and said so out loud, it would just come back and bite me the next time she is alone with me.  I'm not allowed to think different than her right? She screams at me when I do that.  She would blame me for humiliating her, and tell me I always say things to make her feel bad about herself.  Then she would tell me how I clearly don't love her.  Last night, she told everyone at the dinner table how every single evening her closest sister calls and tells her "she loves her" and how much that means to her. (This same aunt also tells our children whom she's only met about 3 times that "she loves them"). Words like this from mom always feel like messages to me, that "if I truly loved her, I would call her every night to tell her I love her".  It really bothers me that she makes me feel like that.  I'm working on it.  Been working on it 8 months.  But she never lets up.  If I called her and told her every night that I loved her (out of obligation), then there would be something else that I did or didn't do that meant I didn't love her enough.  It just never ends.  I just wish it would end.  Wish I could stop feeling conflicted about my mom.  Most days I deal with it really well.  I'm making progress.  I recognize that.  But a family visit and a family dinner which includes my mom and her distortions is a bit of a mild trigger.  Is there anyone "recovered or recovering" that can say you truly "get over" this kind of stuff? It just leaves me in turmoil.  Our company also left this morning with my dad's truck on their trailer.  It couldn't have gone to a better home.  My cousin's H worships that truck, which is awesome because so did my dad.  It's a collector's item now.  But another "chunk" of me disappeared when that truck left today.  My dad loved me unconditionally.  So lucky about that.  So sad about my mom.  She just makes me feel horrible sometimes.  And I'm always scared about what I'm going to encounter the next time I'm alone with her, 'cause I never know when the next "turn" is going to happen. Tears here.  But at least I know things now, and I've got some tools.  Just releasing some residual yucky feelings after hearing difficult things from my mom at the dinner table last night.  Apart from that, had an amazing visit with my cousin and H, so hopefully I can let this go and focus on the positive.  Interested to hear from others though, who have worked through this guilt and obligation stuff, as to how long it takes, or if you ever "fully" recover to feel none of it.  Does it stop when they die?  Or do they "haunt" you?

[zachira]

Methuen,
I admire how far you've come and how you help so many people on this site. You seem to be wondering if things get better, can you get to a point where you are not so affected by how badly your mother treats you, and how she does not see you as a separate person from herself? I would say yes for sure though it is hard when your mother is still alive and you are still helping her in her old age. I would not assume that all those who listen to her stories about past family trauma necessarily believe her or support her version of events. I am always surprised by those who don't buy the family narrative though keep quiet about how they really feel. It can help to to observe the body language of those listening to see how they feel, particularly microexpressions on the face, that appear within a split second and than disappear. The microexpressions are difficult to catch and usually covered up by the socially acceptable facial expressions we learn to have on our faces most of the time. It has been of enormous help to me to follow my therapist's advice to observe what I am feeling inside instead of being so focused on what others are thinking, feeling, and doing. Keep working on strengthening your sense of being a separate person from your mother and with time, more and more of what she does will not affect you so much, because you will let your mother own her feelings while you feel quietly grounded in who you are.

[Mata]

But she never lets up.  If I called her and told her every night that I loved her (out of obligation), then there would be something else that I did or didn't do that meant I didn't love her enough.  It just never ends.  I just wish it would end.  

I can so relate to this.  I'm learning that no matter what I do, or how many "problems" I solve, it will never be enough for my mother.  Emotionally, she is a bottomless pit, and no amount of throwing gifts, good deeds, love, etc. into that pit will ever fill it up for her.  It's so hard, because even though I know this...she doesn't.  So the guilt tripping, the subtle digs, and the outright demands never cease.  And I've been learning through therapy, that my coping mechanism for dealing with this (i.e., always have a plan A, B, C, and D to try and meet her needs) only feeds my anxiety.  If only there was an easy way to make it stop!   
 

Interested to hear from others though, who have worked through this guilt and obligation stuff, as to how long it takes, or if you ever "fully" recover to feel none of it.  Does it stop when they die?  Or do they "haunt" you?

I've been on my journey to healing a shorter time then you Methuen, so I don't have an answer, but I'd love to know too!  I'm not sure what fully recovered looks like for me yet, but I think there is hope.  I also think that doing the hard work on myself now, before my mom dies, will put me in the best position to avoid being haunted after she is gone.  At least I hope so. 

[Harri]

Is there anyone "recovered or recovering" that can say you truly "get over" this kind of stuff?

I think, like Mata said, that it depends on your definition of recovered.  For me it means being able to function and being okay with knowing my mom died having a very distorted and twisted view of who I am, or who I was then.  Being okay with knowing she never really saw me, the good parts and the bad parts without them somehow defining her.

I say being okay, meaning I have reached a certain amount of peace with it all and I do not think too often of it.  when I do, it hurts some, and I am okay with that too. 

I think if your definition involves being unbothered and completely un-phased with certain encounters, it is not very realistic.  This stuff is hard and painful. 

Interested to hear from others though, who have worked through this guilt and obligation stuff, as to how long it takes, or if you ever "fully" recover to feel none of it.  Does it stop when they die?  Or do they "haunt" you?

For me, nothing but the potential for ongoing abuse died when my parents died.  I did not have to do the planning like zachira and others talk about here.  I did not have to worry about what my parents would do or say.  At least not in the real world.  In my head and in my heart the battle continued and still does to a much smaller extent.  My reactions and behaviors have changed drastically since they died but I still drift to bad coping skills when stressed.  I can intervene and use wise mind to choose to respond rather than react to certain situations and in certain relationships.   

So no, IMO and experience, "it" does not stop when they die.  And yes, it can haunt you.  It did haunt me for a very long time and still does to an extent.  My childhood and the abuse that continued even into my adulthood has shaped who I am and how I am.

But I have and will continue to learn to function in better and more healthy ways.

[Methuen]

Thanks for the encouragement and the honesty everyone.  Your responses as always, are supportive and helpful.