SSDD (Same Stuff Different Dude) about a decade later

[findingmyselfagain]

My story is typical of many of our stories. I met my exfiance...very likely BPD...at a period when I did not know enough about myself to know better. I fell head over heels quickly...within 4 months we were engaged...talking about marriage early on...and setting a wedding date just 6 months later. (Side note she was young...recently divorced for the second time with a 1/yo). Red flags, much? Just about a month before our wedding she threw a new guy in my face and then I was at fault for getting upset. In less than a month we were done...and soon after she's "dating someone" and of course it's who you think it is.

It's been a long time. I'm not sure why I occasionally check social media. Conventional wisdom says I probably should not but maybe I'm seeking confirmation that a person could actually be so disconnected from the average perception of reality. Since the "rebound guy" a number of years ago that lasted a while I haven't seen any social media romance. It was fast and she went all out with us. All of our high points were documented by a camera. 

Suddenly it looks like she's engaged again within a short period of time. Well, good for her, I suppose. Seeing it happen quickly again doesn't give me much confidence that the dynamic has changed. For anyone who is struggling, be sure to be as objective as possible. She was pretty much my first love who took my virginity. YIKES! It was tough. These relationships may work out sometimes...but why wouldn't we want to find someone who can reciprocate a healthy connection? It's a good question.

My former pastor always said we never hear about good marriages because they are boring and no one gets TV/ratings from boring. Now I know what he's talking about. Find someone who is "boring" (meaning "healthy" for me) and grow a healthy connection that can weather the storms of life (or even normal life.) I think our society places too much value on the romance and lust and not nearly enough on seemingly dull straight-up plain old commitment.

Best of luck all. Grace and peace!

fma

[once removed]

It's been a long time. I'm not sure why I occasionally check social media. Conventional wisdom says I probably should not

i occasionally check social media 

i occasionally check social media for lots of people...exes, people i went to school with, people i dont like and am not friends with, but remain curious about...

theres nothing inherently wrong with being curious and checking up.

I'm seeking confirmation that a person could actually be so disconnected from the average perception of reality

it does sound like theres something in checking for you...a wound that lingers. seeking confirmation can be a way of hanging on to that wound.

I fell head over heels quickly...within 4 months we were engaged...talking about marriage early on...and setting a wedding date just 6 months later.

see how easy it is to be disconnected from the average perception of reality 

kidding aside, heres the thing...

all of us (most of us?) are out there searching for our soul mate, our forever love, to give our lives to.

at one time, you thought you had met her. at one time, she thought the same.

you had a brutal breakup. one that would leave anyone struggling with feelings of insignificance. seeing her get in fast moving relationships, that probably, on some level, nags at those feelings, because the mind tends to think "so she does this with everyone, i wasnt special". and maybe theres a hint of pay off that it doesnt seem to work out with them either, but that doesnt really help.

maybe you both were special to each other (a first love who takes your virginity always will be)...just not as significant to each other, in the long run, as you thought at the time.

These relationships may work out sometimes...but why wouldn't we want to find someone who can reciprocate a healthy connection? It's a good question.

My former pastor always said we never hear about good marriages because they are boring and no one gets TV/ratings from boring. Now I know what he's talking about. Find someone who is "boring" (meaning "healthy" for me) and grow a healthy connection that can weather the storms of life (or even normal life.) I think our society places too much value on the romance and lust and not nearly enough on seemingly dull straight-up plain old commitment.

at the end of the day, it sounds like you want different things than she does. maybe you always did.

keep reaching for those things.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi once removed,

Yes, to all of those things. It certainly was a whirlwind kind of love affair. The messages we seem to get from media/society is that those falling in love feelings mean that that's "IT"---your soulmate, the One, etc. My therapist said, "Love and wisdom don't always go together."

I believe we did believe at one time and it was "real" at the time...but I know now that it's for the best that it ended. It took a while to get there. I joined a BPD support group in an attempt to understand more. If it was meant to be, I wasn't going to give up so quickly. I actually made friends with one who helped me write a letter. I asked if we could hang out again and she seemed somewhat amicable. Even then her response was "harsh" and I recognized then that she just wasn't that person for me. That's when I cut off communication.

I think I check in partly because I'm curious. I do want to confirm that it wasn't "just me." Partly because I had that co-dependent/rescuing kind of hangover from childhood issues. I do genuinely feel for her but pity isn't love. A part of my recovery has been recognizing that I'm not obligated to help everyone. I let some high-maintenance relationships go. In the past I may have struggled to try to keep them instead of recognizing that if it's not easy then it's not meant to be.

It's been a journey. Now I'm married and we just had our second baby. I know I need to focus on my present. It's gotten much easier with time. Those core wounds don't go away quickly or easily...but that helps me understand that she is dealing with her own core wounds. It just was not meant to be for us. Life is a journey for all of us.

[once removed]

Now I'm married and we just had our second baby.

thats terrific news. how are things going with the marriage, with a newborn?

[findingmyselfagain]

The newborn is keeping us busy with less consistent sleep but we are managing. Sleeping is improving and he's doing a good job of feeding so my wife isn't having to pump as much. I'm lucky to be working from home but I can definitely feel the need for improved paternity/maternity leave here in the US. We're planning a family trip to the mountains in the fall...Can't wait for that!