Reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. So mad at my BPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've been reading a good book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Has anyone else read it and what do you think of it? Reading this book, plus working with my new therapist has made me realize that my mom is also a narcissist on top of her BPD. I've always excused my mother's behaviour because of the BPD. I'm sick of her getting away with her abusive behaviour.
I've been talking to her a lot lately because I'm unemployed and at home a lot due to Covid. She's retired. I don't tell her about any of my problems anymore because she would use the stuff I said against me when she gets angry at me.
There's a double standard. She complains so much and is so self-centred.
I feel livid at her right now. We were just talking on the phone and she was complaining because a friend of hers wouldn't come over to meet in my mom's backyard in the evening. Her friend lives about an hour away from my mother and told my mother that she hasn't driven at night since before Covid started. She's a very anxious driver. Her friend also said she is really worried about seeing other people because her husband has a heart problem so he's extra vulnerable to Covid. My mother wouldn't return her friend's call because she was mad that her friend said "hahaha" in an email and wasn't going to her place.
I didn't say my opinion to her about it because I'm afraid to stand up to her and I wanted to avoid getting into a fight. It's also not my friend so I decided to pick my battle.
Part of me wants my mom to get mad at me so that I can stick up to her and get off what's on my chest. I know it wouldn't be productive though.
My therapist said I need to learn to be assertive with her in order to stop being afraid of her.

[wmm]

I've been reading a good book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Has anyone else read it and what do you think of it? Reading this book, plus working with my new therapist has made me realize that my mom is also a narcissist on top of her BPD. I've always excused my mother's behaviour because of the BPD. I'm sick of her getting away with her abusive behaviour.
I've been talking to her a lot lately because I'm unemployed and at home a lot due to Covid. She's retired. I don't tell her about any of my problems anymore because she would use the stuff I said against me when she gets angry at me.
There's a double standard. She complains so much and is so self-centred.
I feel livid at her right now. We were just talking on the phone and she was complaining because a friend of hers wouldn't come over to meet in my mom's backyard in the evening. Her friend lives about an hour away from my mother and told my mother that she hasn't driven at night since before Covid started. She's a very anxious driver. Her friend also said she is really worried about seeing other people because her husband has a heart problem so he's extra vulnerable to Covid. My mother wouldn't return her friend's call because she was mad that her friend said "hahaha" in an email and wasn't going to her place.
I didn't say my opinion to her about it because I'm afraid to stand up to her and I wanted to avoid getting into a fight. It's also not my friend so I decided to pick my battle.
Part of me wants my mom to get mad at me so that I can stick up to her and get off what's on my chest. I know it wouldn't be productive though.
My therapist said I need to learn to be assertive with her in order to stop being afraid of her.

[Harri]

I decided to pick my battle

I think this was a wise choice.  Did you see how saying something would have put you right in the drama triangle, setting yourself up in the rescuer role for the friend, while also being your mothers persecutor? 

I would pick situations that directly involve you to stand up to your mom rather than fight someone else's battle.

Part of me wants my mom to get mad at me so that I can stick up to her and get off what's on my chest. I know it wouldn't be productive though.

What would you want to get off your chest?  What would it sound like?  What affect do you think it will have long term if you did?

My therapist said I need to learn to be assertive with her in order to stop being afraid of her.

I agree.  You will learn.   

[Sad4Her]

wmm,

My mom does the same things. It's so sick. She complains, with venom in her voice, that her friend don't like to go anywhere. I tell her that people are just busy with life and some friends aren't single like her and they want to be with their husbands. My therapist has helped me too with dealing with her. You have to treat them like children and give them consequences. It won't cure them because they are mentally not capable of changing their behavior but that remnant of a normal human being comes out a bit more for them to try. I started therapy about 2 years ago (I need to go back again) and now when my mother has tantrums, I take her home (no matter where and how far we are). It has helped. She tries really hard to behave when she is with me now. However, like I said, it's not the cure-all. I had to drive her an hour home to Manhattan the other day because she had a tantrum and I was not going to deal with it. She is moving here to NJ this weekend and my stress level is through the roof thinking of being close to her but I'll have to deal with it. Hang in there!