Relationship counselling and BPD

[Hollis]

Hey everyone,

I have another thread open where I introduce myself, but I thought this deserves a separate thread.

I'm in a relationship with a BPD girl for two years now. I've become accustomed to cycle after cycle of outburst, name calling, hitting twice, denial, gaslighting and constant criticism. It's at the point now where I'm completely destroyed from the fights and the manipulation on her part to avoid actually taking responsibility. The good news is that in about three weeks she's going back to her home country. The original plan was for me to go with her but I said I need time alone. Truth be told unless I see a change then I'm not going. We both have stressful jobs and that definitely fuels her dysregulation but I've had my limits. The three weeks seem like an age away.
The predictable cycle from my OH so far has been calm moments - rising tension- outburst - I defend myself - she gets angrier - she denies it- then blames me.

About a year ago we agreed to attend a relationship counsellor. This has been helpful to some degree but due to a long illness with a family member I've only had the energy to address the real issues now and the fact that her behaviour is very damaging to me.

Interestingly when I confronted her about it she was honest in one or two instances. First she said I can't actually hear him when he criticises me (actually me saying I don't like a behaviour is a criticism) and then said she has too many emotions to deal with more. That doesn't make things easier for me but it was refreshing that she admitted she can't listen to me in from of our counsellor. Has anyone had any success with a relationship counsellor?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

in general, marriage counseling or therapy can either help or hurt.

it really depends on both parties.

quite often, one or both parties will enter into counseling or therapy with the idea that it will fix the other person. its easy to fall into that trap. "my partner isnt hearing me, surely someone skilled will finally hear me and tell my partner how wrong they are".

if you approach marriage counseling in this fashion, full stop, it will fail. even with the best counselor on the planet.

what marriage counseling or therapy exists for is for you and your partner to hear each other, and really, truly take in where each of you are coming from, and then to learn strategies, tools, to better communicate, work to get on the same page, and begin to resolve conflict in healthier ways.

The predictable cycle from my OH so far has been calm moments - rising tension- outburst - I defend myself - she gets angrier - she denies it- then blames me.

this is the conflict style between the two of you. if it persists, if it doesnt change, things are going to get worse.

marriage counseling is designed for the two of you to take on board criticism and advice that will help you both break the cycle and move to a healthier trajectory.

[PeteWitsend]

I went to three separate MCs over the course of approx. 4 years with my ex-wife.  Two I would consider very good; one was unethical and borderline incompetent (he had seen my XW one-on-one prior to MC, but insisted there was no conflict of interest there, and refused to refer us to one of his partners for joint MC sessions).  In the end though, all were essentially useless.

They all follow the general approach of "each partner can work on something" to communicate better and resolve conflict.  The thing is, in a relationship with a pwBPD, there are not "two sides."  There is one side looking to create and further conflict by any means necessary, and another who is - depending on their awareness - to some degree in denial of the nature of what they're dealing with. 

When the MC would ask me what I wanted to see, I brought a list of examples of fights and behavior that I said were pushing me away and I wanted to stop.  And also things I would not tolerate anymore, like her picking fights with my family and refusing to let our kids see their grandparents.  When the MC would ask my XW what I needed to do for her, she would go with some subjective demand that was impossible to meet... "put me 1st always" or "show me you love me enough."

The last MC we went to called her out on this, and said she was intentionally putting forth uncooperative vague demands, and her behavior was destroying the marriage.  So my XW screamed at the MC (!) and refused to go back.

The thing is, if you're deciding what to do, it's important to recognize that you cannot change a BPDer; you can perhaps learn ways to defuse tension and reduce conflict.  But this is a constant effort on your part, and you can't eliminate it.  they don't learn to eventually trust you, or love you, and dial down the conflict.  They are who they are.  and you need to change yourself to learn how to accommodate their behavioral disorder. 

This site can teach you coping mechanisms and techniques to help manage this, but I think it's important to go into this with your eyes open, and the understanding that it is what it is, and expecting long term change and improvement is virtually impossible.