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Author Topic: My bags are packed, I've taken steps for after I leave, but I'm stuck  (Read 471 times)
Palinurus

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« on: June 26, 2020, 10:31:45 AM »

Hello all,

I accidentally posted an epic rundown of the chaos of my marriage to my uPDBH in the "bettering" board. It was probably too long for anyone anyway and I'm not trying to better the marriage, just end it.

I’m new here. I’m in what I’m discovering is a pretty common predicament. I reached the end of a very stretched rope in my marriage about a year and a half ago. I have tried to end things several times. The last time I said I wanted a divorce, our state went under stay-at-home orders the following day before I had a chance to prepare to actually leave. The time before that my uBPDH said it would kill him for me to end things. I'm realizing that his ADHD/Autism/BPD traits combined with my anxiety disorder and ADHD are probably serious complications here.

It really shouldn’t matter but to prevent anyone from responding in ways that might be unhelpfully gendered we are both gay men.

That was exactly a year ago. I am frozen on the edge of the diving board trying to make myself jump and knowing that the rush of air and the cool water and the freedom to swim will feel amazing.

Bags are packed and ready to go.
Important papers are out of the house.
I have multiple places to stay.
I have set up a new bank account and gotten a new debit card.
I have a lawyer on deck.
I have no logical reason to want to stay.
I just need to change my direct deposit and maybe write an explanatory letter he can use as a reference when he’s totally blindsided by me going and needs to have some data for his therapist.

That’s it. Two more things to do. and the thought of doing them and breaking the news makes me so nauseous and anxious I get paralyzed.

Thanks,
Palinurus
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2020, 02:43:36 PM »

Hey Palinurus, Welcome to the Detaching Board!  Many of us have been in your shoes, so you are definitely not alone.  Needless to say, detaching from a BPD r/s is challenging on many levels.  Feel free to ask any particular questions.  Stepping off the diving board, as you note, is a big step, so do what's right for you.  There's no roadmap.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Palinurus

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« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2020, 03:20:19 PM »

Thanks, Lucky Jim.

So as of this morning I have basically everything done on my preparation list except telling him and driving off. I’m logistically ready as soon as I’m emotionally ready (or as close as possible).

I’m still struggling with anticipatory guilt about him being in his own. He sort of succeeded in isolating me for a while but I spent 2019 breaking free of that. While my social world is expanding his is small and relatively stagnant. I have a couple mutual friends who know that things are tough and who I can give a heads up to right before it’s time. Ditto his therapist (who has gotten this heads up from me before).

The mortgage and bills will be paid up for a couple months while he figures out where to go. His therapy and psychiatry bills likewise will be paid. He views me as his only support but even though I know he will be devastated, I’m leaving in place some supports I don’t have to participate in.

Still I feel like I’m about to punch a toddler in the face as I anticipate his reaction. He called me cruel so many times when I tried to get him external supports and then told me I did nothing to support him in crisis after crisis. I’ve still got some of that internalized I think even though I know it’s not true.

Sorry, no questions in there. I guess the underlying question is, does anyone have any advice for taking the plunge once all the logistics are in place?

Thanks so much,
Palinurus
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Palinurus

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« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2020, 03:26:33 PM »

I note I didn’t answer your two direct questions.

Gut feeling: I am excited to live life without the complications of this marriage and the bottomless pit of need I spent years pouring my energy into.
Other gut feeling: this is going to hurt so bad don’t do it
Third gut feeling: I can survive almost anything and cone out better

What I want to happen, dream wish version? I camp out at a relative’s home for a couple weeks. He decides staying in the house is too painful and goes back to his folks on the other coast and I cheerfully pack and  ship his stuff to him while we work out how to divide marital assets.

Second best: he hangs out in the house through August. I’ll be out of town half that time anyway. Then the second part of dream version.

Thanks,
Hugh
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2020, 03:29:45 PM »

Hey Palinurus, Like most of us, you probably have codependent tendencies, because you sort of have to be codependent to be in a BPD r/s.  Presumably some of that codependence is contributing to your difficulties in making a decision.  That's OK.  Take your time.  At the end of the day, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult, though it took me a long time to grasp this concept.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Palinurus

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« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2020, 03:41:00 PM »

100% yes I do. It’s a lesson I learned a long time ago and. like a lot of the healthy adaptive changes I made by the time I was 30, this marriage eroded the emotional differentiation I had built up. I’m definitely climbing back up that hill, much faster lately.

Palinurus
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Reawakening

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« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2020, 07:03:15 PM »

Hey Palinurus, welcome!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I am pretty new here too but I just wanted to chime in and say I’ve been there and I hear you! I was there very recently as I only left yesterday. It’s hard. I don’t have any great solution for you because it’s a very individual decision. For me something that helped me with clarity about what I wanted was a lot of meditation and visualization.

Hugs!
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Palinurus

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« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2020, 07:23:43 PM »

Thanks! I’m definitely doing a lot of both. Anticipating what the good things in my life could be when I make the move is really helpful!
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onthewater79
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« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2020, 01:01:22 PM »

Palinurus, I hear you too. I am working on an exit plan to leave my BPD partner years of living in fear, attending to his mood swings, and losing sense of myself. I have forced myself to put together a full spreadsheet of steps I believe I need to make, but it's the "move out" box that is the hardest to tick. I've tried to set a date and it already passed. I am afraid of the "day of" scene which I'm sure may end up in neighbors calling the police. He is also acting very needy these days which of course draws me back in, even though the feeling is gone. If there was a precipitating event on his end (violence etc) it almost would be easier.

All of this has taught me so painfully to be very, very careful who I let into my life. I will never live so capriciously again.

How are you doing?
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Palinurus

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« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2020, 01:53:59 PM »

Thanks. I’m hanging in there. Today has been tough. I got pretty upset and anxious during a conversation this morning and exited to lie down and de-escalate myself. Eventually he told me he felt awful because he feels he can’t talk to me about important stuff. I made the mistake of engaging and trying to explain I feel that way constantly because of things he has said to me in the past and his recent shame/fragility spirals. I just told him that having someone need repeated reassurance that they aren’t terrible is both frightening and tiring.

He went on about how beautiful it is to have the freedom and joy of being truly known. I think we know each other, sure, and there’s plenty to like about him but I wouldn’t say that freedom or joy is a main component of our marriage.

I’m in the same boat. My date passed last week. Today’s whole thing might make the next one easier to stick to.

Hang in there and good luck!
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Palinurus

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« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2020, 02:04:11 PM »

I should add that it was really hard not to tip my hand in the emotional conversation today. Like “I’m in so much pain because our marriage has functionally been over for 16 months and I’m annoyed at myself for sticking around this long”. I don’t want to have the conversation when I’m flooded. I’ve done that before and it’s too easy to accept comfort and reassurance instead of sticking with the plan (well, this is the first time I’ve had the logistics planned so I’m leveling up a bit).

Palinurus
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Frankee
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« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2020, 03:29:29 PM »

Welcome Palinurus.  I was reading over what you currently have set in place to make your grand escape.  I understand that weighing feeling of guilt.  It is something that can hold you firmly in a position that you don't want to be in.  I attempted to leave my exbph last year, but fell short because of lack of a real solid plan and finances.

I found the only way I was to safely leave him was when he was not expecting me too and when he was at work.  He wouldn't have been so quiet and willing to let me go if I tried to leave when he was there.  I left a note last year.  I even posted it on here around June of last year to get everyone's feed back.  Looking back at it, the changes I would of probably made were to be more direct on my actual intentions when I left.

For me, that final snap, that final push to me taking the plunge was when I have him a little bit of a split black eye above his left eye.  He attacked me, I fought back, swung and hit him hard enough to leave a mark.  I knew then that things were escalating in a very treacherous and dangerous path.  Two days later, I have all belongings packed up and got my parents to help me get out.

I think when knowing that it's time can only be determined by you.  Only you know when you are truly ready.  We can help provide support and suggestions, but you have to be the one to make that final choice.

I will be keeping you in my best wishes.
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Palinurus

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« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2020, 04:45:21 AM »

Thanks, Frankee. I have thought about leaving a letter. There’s a part of me that feels that wouldn’t be fair but of course nothing that he’s put me through has been fair. He’s more likely to act in than act out and I’m not worried about my own safety.. he’d be ill-advised to get physically aggressive with me.  I’m  not at all  a violent person but I had to Routinely defend myself from physical attacks as a teenager.

I’m going to look at the note you posted and hope it gives me strength. I know I’m making progress and moving forward but every step back or step not taken feels so discouraging. It’s hard not to reproach myself or think about missed opportunities. but then the self reproach is really just him getting in my head and amplifying my own insecurities so I need to steel myself against it.

Thanks,
Palinurus
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onthewater79
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« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2020, 11:52:27 AM »

It's all so confounding, Palinus. I hear you. And so much more difficult under COVID-19. My plan is to leave with belongings I can take, rent a car, and drive a few days to my parents. But they are both elderly and who knows whether I can avoid getting infected and passing it on to them when I arrive, even if I quarantine in a part of the house. It would be so awful to finally make the break, then see my parents on ventilators a few weeks later because I wanted my own peace. The FOG is just so hard to deal with right now.

Thinking of you today.
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Palinurus

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« Reply #14 on: June 30, 2020, 12:30:43 PM »

Thanks Onthewater79,

I’m talking to my therapist this afternoon and lawyer tomorrow and hoping to come up with the last parts of the plan. Each new step I take in the plan makes me feel more confident. I took a two hour hike by myself this morning and that did a lot to center me. The thoughts I kept returning to (when I wasn’t just enjoying myself) were:

1) I'm definitely more afraid of staying than of being on my own (which honestly sounds pretty exciting) but...
2) anticipating the short term pain of having that conversation and the likelihood that he will talk about dying if I go is freaking me out, so...
3) I’m maybe going to just have to  accept that it’s what needs to be done and it sucks and might be horrific but things will be better before long and continuing like this isn’t an option. My sister and I had to transition our mom to a memory care facility two years ago. I can deal with people I love being pissed at me especially if it’s for something that increases my peace of mind.

I can currently hear H anxiously muttering “oh my god!” Downstairs. I never know whether it’s just reflexive angst or the prelude to an outbreak of agonizing fragility. He has a whole menu of depressing exclamations like this and they both put my amygdala at code yellow and disperse whatever crumbs of attraction I might have still lingering at the bottom of the bag.

I’m thinking of leaving a letter while he’s on a call with his therapist Thursday. Or having the car loaded and telling him succinctly right before therapy. Like, “We’ve both worked really hard and I love you but my marital connection just didn’t survive the stuff we went through. 2 years of therapy hasn’t made me want to stay and now I actively want  to separate and move toward divorce. Say hi to your therapist for me.” (Ok not that last part)

The stress you’re dealing with worrying about infecting your parents sounds awful. One person I can stay with is an older relative and because I need to help her out every couple weeks I have been really cautious. But I have safer options and closer by (though far is appealing too right now). I’m sorry that sounds like a whole other layer of unhelpful anxiety to contend with.

Hang in there. You got this

Palinurus.
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onthewater79
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« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2020, 01:41:15 PM »

Just checking in to see how you're doing.

I am taking needed steps to secure separate finances, which is scary but feels like the right thing to do. He suspects my intentions to move and verbally attacked me yesterday, calling me sinister and conniving, and painting my mother black as accomplice. In a way what I am doing is conniving, only because to be up front about it is to put myself in danger. At least that is what I feel. He is masterful at weaponizing mistakes and dishonesty that I am accountable for in the past as leverage over me, and threatens "consequences" if I try to leave. Feels like 1 step forward, 4 steps back today.
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Palinurus

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« Reply #16 on: July 04, 2020, 04:24:31 PM »

Ugh I’m so sorry to hear that. I can relate. His fear of abandonment makes it seem like he’s got a sixth sense and ‘knows’ before I tell him anything. then I remember he is just Constantly on guard against rejection and the fact that I’m actually planning to split doesn’t mean he’s got insight. It just means he was already expecting me to run well before I wanted to and the way he expressed that irrational fear drove me away. He will interpret the outcome as confirming that he was “right” all along but I desperately wanted to make things work for a long time. He’s always feared this, but what’s happened now is that his fear has produced the feared outcome.

What a horrible way to go through life, but I feel more and more confident I don’t have to go through life absorbing his fear.

It’s taken me years to feel this way and months to start growing beyond the sense of shame that it took me so long.

I hear you about feeling off about the dishonesty. I have that scruple now and again but my experience has been that he uses my transparency to manipulate me. NonBPD folks can hear the transparency and appreciate it even if it’s painful. Our pwBPD hear it as a threat to their very lives and react accordingly. We are so conditioned to not take care of ourselves that it can be a Herculean task to keep in mind that protecting our physical and emotional safety is more important than perfect honesty. I mean my stbx opened my mail and saw my new debit card but didn’t connect that it was for a private account (same bank). But then he saw me using the old one and asked so I said I had issues activating and needed to call the bank.

Honest? Nope. Morally justified to keep me from getting sucked into a tornado of dysregulation? I’m comfortable saying so. It’s certainly not in the same league as, say, lying about picking up an STD from an extramarital tryst and exposing your partner to it (not autobiographical, just looking for a solid example of dishonesty that i would find problematic).

Short version, there are some truths that aren’t safe or advisable to speak until you’re in, or heading to, safety, wherever that is or whatever form it takes.

Safety is the very least we deserve.

Thanks for keeping in touch. I hope my rambling is at least entertaining if not useful!

Palinurus

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onthewater79
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« Reply #17 on: July 06, 2020, 10:56:15 AM »

I hear you! When I think of what I want, safety and peace are toward the top. And in his own we he has tried to make me feel safe during the pandemic, has done a lot of work at home to make us more self-sufficient, bought emergency supplies, etc. Then, predictably, it went overboard, and I saw my paycheck swallowed by thousands of dollars in prepper food, emergency kits etc. And lies as to how most of it was purchased (as well as resistance to sitting down and looking at a bank statement to confirm it). This is how he operates, and it's nothing new to me, it's already dragged us into financial calamity. And at present I put up with it because I am afraid of what he will do if I try to leave. I've at least moved my payroll into an account he doesn't have access to, which feels like an enormous victory.

I pray for him and wish him well but at the end of the day I cannot save him. My heart tells me I need to ask forgiveness for where I've PLEASE READed up, provide him what he needs in the short- to mid-term, and put him in God's hands. And even so, I can foresee a million ways where I will be manipulated, threatened, coerced etc along the way. Trying to move forward. It's taken me years too.
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Palinurus

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« Reply #18 on: July 06, 2020, 03:48:57 PM »

Yeah this marriage has damaged my credit score. It’s recovering and it will be awesome quickly once I’m out on my own.

The financial rollercoaster of the last ten years is something I won’t miss. Overdrafts, long periods of living on only my income, discovering he’s ordered (insert thing that’s nice to have but we don’t actually need) from amazon.

The tension here at home has been less dramatic over the pandemic but still not worth it. I’ve been disengaging from conflicts. When he kept giving me passive aggressive backhanded compliments about something I was enjoying doing yesterday I just smiled and said I hoped he was having as nice an afternoon as I was.

We finished a home project he was really anxious about finishing this morning. We both agreed it was a big improvement and it was really bugging him. Within an hour of finishing he nearly goes to pieces and starts complaining about other stuff. There’s just no object constancy and no improvement in any part of our lives satisfies him.

I felt great when I changed my direct deposit. First official meeting with lawyer tomorrow. Every time I take a concrete step I feel stronger. Still a bit of a nervous wreck in the betweentimes but I’m getting there.

One of our few mutual friends was so shocked when I told them things weren’t good. I hadn’t realized that before I talked openly about it with people who know both of us it flew under the radar because outwardly he presents as incredibly devoted.

I’m incredibly tired but safety and peace are my pole stars now.

Stay strong,
Palinurus
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #19 on: July 06, 2020, 04:52:08 PM »

Excerpt
I hadn’t realized that before I talked openly about it with people who know both of us it flew under the radar because outwardly he presents as incredibly devoted.

Hey Palinurus, I had the same experience with my Ex.  People don't really know what it's like behind the scenes in a BPD marriage, because they have no experience with it.  Also, those w/BPD are adept at covering their tracks.  My BPDxW has a gregarious side and was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Neighbors had no idea what the "Mayor" was really like behind closed doors, when she turned into Mr. Hyde.

LJ
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onthewater79
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« Reply #20 on: July 06, 2020, 08:36:44 PM »

Yes, I definitely understand the mayor complex. Mine is certainly the BMOC of our community. Very generous with his time and charitable pursuits. Meaningful employment another matter...

How you doing this week, Palinurus?

My partner has said he is leaving tomorrow. I will believe it when I see it; he's trying to get the upper hand and I have just stayed quiet, listened to him call me evil, and ask if he needs any money or wants to stay on my insurance. I am going to do my best not to get into the mud this evening.
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Palinurus

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« Reply #21 on: July 07, 2020, 05:18:29 PM »

Thanks LJ and OntheWater79.

I’m more the mayor in our communities and social circles but he presents as higher functioning around others.

I’m doing ok. I had my first official meeting with the lawyer today and he helped me map out some plans and gave me some advice about what to communicate and when. I drafted a letter to my husband explaining why we need to seal state because once I tell him I’m leaving the house there’s no way we will have a rational discussion or any of the salient information will sink in. It’s full of love, but very clear about this being permanent. I also tried to address his fears about practical matters (I’m not putting him on the street and will carry the mortgage and bills for 3 months to give him time to figure out what’s next and for us to try to reach an agreement over the practical details). I tried to address his fear of abandonment (In that I’ve never planned on abandoning him and am open to being friends down the line if he can do that) while also making it clear that that fear and it’s expressions are the main driver of my wanting a divorce.

I’m scared and it’s hard to accept where I am and what I have to do but it feels like there’s no around-the-corner anymore.

How are you OTW? Did he go today? Thinking of you today.

Palinurus
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onthewater79
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« Reply #22 on: July 07, 2020, 08:47:44 PM »

Thanks for the note. Yes, he did, but with a historical caveat. He's done this before, leaves for a few days, then comes back, insists it's me who has to change. In essence (and all my interpretation, of course), he wanted to beat me to the punch as he knows I have been wanting to leave and have taken some steps to prepare to do so. I believe he's told his truth to some friends, as when I walked past two of them today I got a cold shoulder. I can't prove that's the reason, but it would not be outside the realm of pattern and possibility.

I think I can emphasize with the fear and anxiety you may be experiencing. He is very crafty and strategic and I don't know what hell awaits if I do summon the courage to leave myself. All in all a lonely evening. Truly appreciate the reply.
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onthewater79
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« Reply #23 on: July 07, 2020, 08:48:50 PM »

PS - it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction, thoughtfully and with a keen sense of what is best for you. Very admirable.
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onthewater79
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« Reply #24 on: July 07, 2020, 08:49:39 PM »

*empathize
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Palinurus

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« Reply #25 on: July 07, 2020, 09:33:33 PM »

No worries on the typo. My last post read “seal state” for “separate”. Lovely autocorrect...

I’m sorry it’s a lonely evening. I hope getting some space and maybe respite is also a bit restorative and reparative for you.

I know what you mean about the fear of hell breaking loose if you decide to go. I feel like the protagonist in an action movie who has to blow something up and then drive/fly through the explosion. For myself I do really know that what’s on the other side is better, and there’s a lot I’m looking forward to. I know the pain of earth re-entry will be short lived compared to what I’ve lived with for 7 years.

And I am trying to move forward based on what is right for me. I lost myself so badly for years and Gradually reconnecting with my true identity has been powerful but also overwhelming at times. But I’m recognizing that I am still the person I was before the fog rolled in and I like that person even more than I used to now that the fog feels like it’s clearing. I’m doing this _for_ me and not _against_ him.

Hang in there. I’m so glad I found this corner of the internet.

Palinurus

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« Reply #26 on: July 07, 2020, 11:42:18 PM »

Thanks -- that is certainly the positive flip side: it's been a quiet evening and I caught up with an old friend on the phone. And a great analogy for your current state of affairs. Mine feels similar. And it's a bad action movie at that, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Glad you're reconnecting with the person you are.
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Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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