How to get him to leave

[Kelly5116]

I believe my bf has BPD I'm trying to emotionally detach myself, and not react to his moods, or comments. I'm done emotionally. I want him to leave.

the issue is, he lives in my place, and frankly, I'm afraid to ask him to leave, as I don't want to trigger him. He is very triggered by abandonment or any form of betrayal imagined or real.

His last bad blow up, I told him I thought he had BPD and needed help, and he agreed after reading the literature I send him but refuses to get help. He said. I am what I am, that's it. and now denies the conversation

He has a lot of debt and he originally came here for just a couple of months and to get ahead. I wasn't aware of the BPD when I let him move in.

He didn't have the rent for a few months and I let it slide (silly me). He has a good-paying job and makes more money than the average person (I make a quarter of what he makes and even less with covid..  part of me is wondering if its actually a control issue but that's beside the point I think

I told him last month, I couldn't cover him for the rent and he came up with the rent after getting his tax return. I was a little upset, cause I thought it might be my way to get him out of the house.

 a part of me is hoping he doesn't have it this month,

Don't think it's going to be that simple, I don't know what to do, today I tried to talk about rent being due on Wednesday and he ended the conversation. It's like he gets short with me to shut me up and it works

I'm having a little trouble asserting myself in fear of his moods. It's making it hard to move forward

I'm just kinda lost, Am I delusional to think I can end this peacefully.

edited to fix grammar and spelling

[Kelly5116]

well I spent this week trying to set boundaries

 he had an outburst and I informed him he's not allowed to direct his anger at me, he said it wasn't directed at me ( uhhm ya ok) so lots of gaslighting really.

and I informed him he's responsible for his half of the rent, which lead to the silent treatment, and when I ask why he was ignoring me.. I just got whos ignoring who here. ( I've been detached but polite)

anyways he has done nothing but drink and be short and blunt and his body language is anger.

I feel like this has unleashed him. I had stopped standing up to him for a while

I'm taking it day by day, but in this state asking him to leave scares me.

side question: he's pretty much given up on showering like I think it been a week.. is this a BDP thing?

[once removed]

heres the thing...

you are primarily employing strategies that seek to navigate the relationship, or at least change his behavior.

youve likely spent a great deal of the relationship doing that.

if youre done, really done, its time to let that go. let him know youre done, its over; that one or both of you are moving out. trying to "get" someone to leave you as a strategy for exiting a relationship is usually a sure fire recipe for the status quo.

[Ccswim]

Hi Kelly5116,

I'm you but a few months down the road, it took me months to get my husband to move out, and I ended up crashing with friends on and off during those months since he wouldn't leave.  We agreed he would leave, but then he would act like that conversation never happened.  I had to keep bringing it up every couple weeks and he took his time to accept it then took his time to start his apt search then took his time to pick one and move. I think Once Removed is correct, and that is what all the literature says also, is the best way to cut them out of your life, just being firm and going no contact/grey rock.  It's how I'm accepting I'm going to have to handle the divorce even though I was really hoping (unrealistically, admittedly) we could have a smoother divorce.

But on a personal note though, I know the struggle, I am also a non confrontational person and keep trying to control the situation and make it as peaceful as possible, but it's just being dragged out in my situation.  It's hard though for sure.

[Kelly5116]

thanks for the reply, I agree I was maintaining the status quo @onceremoved @ccswim

he's suppose to leave at the end of the month, and he's going on vacation Thursday for two weeks with his kids. he's mentioned moving out, but has done very little in the way of preparing for the move. and half the time he acts like nothing is up

Ive been working very hard at detaching and trying to set boundaries, which has set off his BPD this weekend. he's hiding in the spare room, drinking. after calling me an abusive, dismissive person that does nothing but belittle him... ( I realize this is all projected) I haven't said anything or responded to his outbursts, I'm just counting the days

my concern now is that he won't leave, so I need a backup plan.. like being strong enough to just say, game over.. you're leaving..  I'm preparing myself..

[BuildingFromScratch]

Kelly

I asked my ex to leave many times, and I kept waiting patiently, it took her 2-3 years to move out. I set month after the month for her to move out by, she wouldn't listen. Near the end I was screaming at her to move out, because I had lost all my patience.  Truth is she needed to find another "host" to attach herself to and as soon as she found that, she left.

I don't think being patient and passive helps. I think you need to set a date for them to move out by, if legally you need to serve an eviction notice then you may have to do that, and maybe call the police if they don't abide? Although I dunno how evictions work where you live considering the Coronavirus.

You're probably not going to be able to control all of his reactions, you will have to deal with him being irrational, blaming, angry and rude. If you're scared of him physically, then you may want to ask a battered woman's shelter what you should do?

What's important is that you find a way to stick up for yourself, and set the boundary that he has to move out. It will feel empowering. Although I understand how scary it can be if you're not used to being confrontational. But part of the reason we got into/stay in these relationships is because we don't stick up for ourselves enough and placate too much.

Good luck.

[Kelly5116]

[Buildingfromstratch]

thanks for your reply.

I decided that when he goes to hid trailer for the two weeks with his kids, I'm going to pack up his stuff and leave it in the garage. and text him and tell him the end of the month is up and he can arrange to come get his stuff and have another family member here with me when he comes.

that way he won't get back into the house, I feel bad that it will be over text, but honestly the only way I feel safe..

lets see how this goes... fingers crossed..

[BuildingFromScratch]

Good luck with that. Hope it works out!

[Ccswim]

That's a great plan, I hope it goes smoothly!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Kelly, I agree with Once Removed: don't wait for him to move out.

trying to "get" someone to leave you as a strategy for exiting a relationship is usually a sure fire recipe for the status quo.

I like your plan, because it's proactive.  It's up to you, not him, to make the break.  Do what you need to do and stay firm, is my advice.

LuckyJim

[GaGrl]

I agree with your plan. It sounds like one with a lower chance of unnecessary conflict.

Make sure you have someone with you when he comes to pick up his belongings/boxes. If he shows up with no notice, do not let him in the house -- tell him to come back at another time (When you can make sure you are not alone).

Do you plan to change the locks when he goes on vacation? You should do this.

[Kelly5116]

Gagirl
 yes I think I might have too.. I was just discussing this with my DD, who thinks I don't need to but I disagree. my gut is screaming yes

[Kelly5116]

Update
MY BF went on vacation 10 days ago with his kids like planned

he took 3/4 of his stuff when he left, but there is still a fair bit of stuff here that belongs to him and the kids, winter clothes and his TV etc.

He had told me he was moving out August 1st, although he didn't speak to me for the last week he was here, hide in the spare room and he shared no details with me at all. 

Since he's been away, I have only had two small drunken texts from him, about nothing really.

I noticed that as of a few days ago, he's not showing up on Facebook  or SM at all, he usually spends hours and hours a day on there, so I find it hard to believe he hasn't checked his SM.

I don't know what to do at this point, I feel like his ghosting me and I don't know if I need to tell him to come get the rest of his stuff.

Part of me half expects him to come back at the end of his vacation and act like nothing has happened.. which is a pattern for him. You know, to say one thing do another..

Part of me thinks.. I just need to send a text to inform him, that he's not allowed back.. which is making me uber anxious..

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Kelly-

This IS difficult.  OR made the point in his July 2nd response to your original  post about if “you’re done, really done” with the relationship...

So ARE you done... with the relationship?

If your answer is “yes”, then you do what you need to do to reclaim your space and your life. 

So what does that entail?  Locks changed (your GUT told you YES); box his remaining belongings and place in garage; if you have any Fear whatsoever, notify authorities. 

And send stbexBF brief text saying you hope he’s well and enjoying his family time, per your agreement that he was to leave on 8/1, his things are packed nicely and ready for him to retrieve on “x date at x time”, and have someone there with you.

And take some nice, deep breaths... please keep talking here.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Kelly5116]

Yeah, I know what needs to be done,

but there is a part of me that is insulted at the silent treatment.. which makes no sense to me

and its making it hard for me to be nice and polite I think..  So I don't say anything at all.. which is my issue in the first place ironically

[Gemsforeyes]

I get that, yes, it IS insulting to be treated this way, to be “ghosted”.  However, if your goal is to have him out of your home, do that.

All I can say, from my 6.5-year experience in the relationship is if there was ANY note of sarcasm or negativity in a text I was met with horrific RAGE.  You probably already know how your BF will react.  If you want a conflict, you’ll get that.

Asking a “normal” person to move out rarely goes smoothly.  Telling a disordered person to leave, even if he THINKS he’s rejecting YOU right now, will be met as if it’s come as a completely blindsiding event.  So be prepared...  why not just take the high road and welcome peace back into your life?

Unless you’re NOT done with the relationship ...?

Gems

[once removed]

but there is a part of me that is insulted at the silent treatment.. which makes no sense to me

i had difficulty trying to exchange belongings when my ex and i broke up as well.

consider this: finalizing a breakup (the exchange is usually the last step) is hard. no one is particularly good at it. its hard to say what his motivations or thinking are here, but they are probably more about confusion, avoidance, not wanting to deal with things, than about punishing you or sending a message by not sending a message.

dont force the issue. it wont help.

give it some time and space. set a date, maybe the end of this month.

if he hasnt taken the initiative, pack his belongings carefully, put them in storage, pay for it for a month, and let him know.

dont spend your time locked in a battle of the wills. all that really does is continue the conflict from the relationship.

[Kelly5116]

I left a text message asking him to confirm his plans for August

the imessage went through as a SMS message instead but not sure that means anything.. so far no reply

[FindingMe2011]

MY BF went on vacation 10 days ago with his kids like planned

he took 3/4 of his stuff when he left, but there is still a fair bit of stuff here that belongs to him and the kids, winter clothes and his TV etc.

JMHO, You have 10 days to remove the rest of these belongings. Not doing this will add 10 days, and most likely more than this, towards your detachment. Its a way for re engagement to happen. Which should have never happened in the first place. Most likely both will still be wounded, neither will be heard and only make things worse. You are now his trigger, as he is yours.

but there is a part of me that is insulted at the silent treatment.. which makes no sense to me

To create confusion, its working, and a form of control. You are on a path to defend your honor. You will not be heard, nor get any understanding, which is what you need. He is incapable, your r/s proves this.

He had told me he was moving out August 1st, although he didn't speak to me for the last week he was here, hide in the spare room and he shared no details with me at all.

Its aug 4. How does hiding in a spare room qualify as a reason, to not do what one says? A week seems plenty time to get things in order.

I don't know what to do at this point, I feel like his ghosting me and I don't know if I need to tell him to come get the rest of his stuff.

Hopefully you can find a place, other than there, for his stuff and text him the whereabouts. When he responds, tell him you need for him to respect your request for personal space, for the time being. You want to help you, for now. Tell him youre going to a therapists and its not a bad idea, if youre able. This should buy you some time.

Part of me half expects him to come back at the end of his vacation and act like nothing has happened.. which is a pattern for him.

Future behavior is dictated by past behavior. Its sometimes packaged different

Part of me thinks.. I just need to send a text to inform him, that he's not allowed back.. which is making me uber anxious..

Telling him hes not welcome with his belongings at your place, is justification for crazy. So dont be surprised...The uber anxiousness is partly responsible for you keeping this r/s. Now is not the time to make decisions based on feelings. The feelings will subside and you will eventually feel better for holding some boundaries.

I left a text message asking him to confirm his plans for August

Maybe the move out date is now Sept 1? Hiding in the spare room? He now has the ability to dictate the situation, again. You asked him to. Do you see how this has the potential for no end? The dance will continue.


and its making it hard for me to be nice and polite I think..

maybe this could serve you well for now. Its time to take care of you and all should respect this. I wish you well, Peace

[Kelly5116]

I text him yesterday again, and got some excuse that he's phone was broken and then he accused me of not replying to his text, so what kinda thing

I confirmed with him that I was not paying his rent and he had to move out

he just texted ok.. no emotional reaction which I was so afaird of, maybe he already discarded me

hopefully when he comes to get his stuff it will go as smooth

[Kelly5116]

Just a bit of an update and maybe a vent..

I had to ask to my pwBPD what his plans were, as his stuff is here. and something he said made me think, he planned to come back, after I got a text from him, he was telling me his plans for September acting like nothing happened

He knew he was going to move out but he really didn't talk to me in the last month and he hide in the spare room for a good week, So there was no communication really. so I felt the need to have a conversation to clear things up. Cause he can't come back

Anyways

When I asked him what his plans were, he was very vaque, so I tried asking very specific questions

I summed up the courage to say

You know, this isn't working out. I made mention of how I couldn't deal with his drinking and the long periods of silence (never mentioned the anger at this point)

SO then he jumped all over it of course, saying he wasn't happy at all too because how I'm always accusing him of PLEASE READ and backing him into corner, and I never show him any love.

I told him, that Its been difficult as I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time and afaird to do or say anything, because when I do, I never say or do the right things. And I even told him that his anger scares me.

to which he replied. That his anger isn't that bad, and that maybe I need therapy to deal with my own issues, cause my reaction to his anger is on me although he did admit that he's drinking isn't helping things,

I asked him, if he ever saw himself getting help for it.. WELL... i bet you all know how that went.

he just went off... You think you're so perfect it's laughable..

I mean I can go on, but I realized the conversation was starting to go in circles, so I ended it.. but I still don't feel like it realizes we're done.

Re reading the post, I realize that I might be sending mixed messages and entertaining the conversation gives the wrong message for sure, not being direct enough out of fear of being verbally attacked.. SIgh

I think part of my ego feels better for saying some of the things I have wanted to say, but then it didn't serve me well... its such a rollercoaster..

[Kelly5116]

note sure what the random, Please READ is, just ingore it, I cant figure out how to edit my post

[BuildingFromScratch]

I mean, you're not going to get a rational response. What's most important is that you get him to leave, not how he reacts to whatever you say. If he leaves, then you've succeeded, no matter what he has to say. I can see how that's frustrating and can be scary though.

[Kelly5116]

 there has been silence from him.. which I feel he's totally discarded me.. but

is it normal to be waiting for the shoe to drop... its creating some anxiety for me.

he still hasn't picked up his stuff..

[GaGrl]

What is as your communicated deadline for him to pick up his stuff? Is it boxed and waiting in his garage?

If he has not picked it up before your deadline, you have several options --

1) Depending on how much he has, it might be worth it to pay a moved to deliver it to his current residence.

2) Or...rent a storage unit and have his stuff placed into the unit, prepaid for several months. Send him the info and keys/combination.

You need to get past a specific date and not feel the show will drop.