Really miss her today

[Steps31]

I really miss her today.
It's been 1 and a half years since we last spoke or had any contact.

What brought this on?
Well, I finally watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... and I remembered the last time I felt in love with someone.
I sometimes worry if I'll ever feel that way again.

But I realize that we tend to remember the good parts.
It's such a conundrum.

[once removed]

its a sad movie...has a similar effect on me.

would it help to talk about what you miss?

would it help to talk about the worry of never falling in love again?

would it help to slag her?

we are listening. how can we help?

[Steps31]

The worry is that I won't fall in love and feel like that with someone again.

Now, I realize that I may be highlighting the best moments I had with her, and dismissing the bad...
What it comes down to is seeing the potential of finding that best friend (some call friendship on fire) type of romantic relationship shrinking as I get older, and especially in these times, as it's harder to meet people.

Just sharing my feelings, not sure there's any way you can help, but thank you.

[once removed]

you can certainly find an intense, and intimate, romantic connection (friendship on fire), if that is what youre seeking.

its rare. you wont find it with everyone. but its out there.

i would venture to guess that you want it to be different, in the event that you do. better. sustainable.

the trick to that is really, at the end of the day, to grieve your loss, in order to make room for something greater.

yours was, no doubt, a special relationship.

sure, it had bad moments...plenty of them. but those best moments meant, and mean something to you. my relationship with my ex was the most significant of my adult life. in the grand scheme of things, it was one of many (in my entire life), but there are, for sure, elements of that relationship i would like to find in future relationships. thats entirely doable...just not with her.

and it hurt to accept that part.

it hurt to accept that life brings special people into our lives for many reasons...that have to do with who we are, and who we are going to be. and it hurt to accept that sometimes, they dont physically remain a part of our lives.

i will tell you that today, as i have moved onto other, and in some cases, better things, a lot of those memories have lost, not necessarily their significance per se, but their hold. my ex was the person i lost my virginity to. she was my first adult relationship, really. i never slept over at a girlfriends house. i never spent the night in another girls bed. there were many, many, many firsts in that relationship. but there have been many seconds...many thirds...many firsts, even, since then. some pale in comparison, some are greater.

the trick isnt falling in love and feeling like that with someone again. that cherished time has come and gone. mourn it, grieve it. the trick is becoming a person with an even greater capacity to experience an even greater, and more sustainable love.

[Steps31]

Thank you

I feel you really put your heart into that answer and I appreciate that very much.
Truth is felt.
I do need to grieve and let go and release her. I thought I had, but sometimes my mind just doesn't know where else to go as a reference point.

Sage advice.

[Goosey]

     The hardest part is the sadness that envelopes me at any moment. It’s surprising How I can be ok just working and all the sudden I am shaking my head in disbelief of where I am at in my life. I went through hell and back with my bpd wife. I spend many sessions at a therapist who went over all the ways to try to communicate with my wife and to try to diffuse the rages. I did everything wrong. I would come home “happy” with my new found knowledge,so proud to announce I knew it all now and we  had a path forward! Only to be smashed to bits and degraded.
   So now she is gone. I finally served divorce papers after two years of fits of indecision. I am fairly certain she is in a relationship because she is not contacting me anymore the last three weeks.
    I used to “joke” to my on last friend that it would be so much easier if she was just having an affair and filed from divorce from me. That I would be sad but it would be easier then the insanity my life is. 
     Nope. It’s not easier. It’s crushing. The intensity of her relationship with me was intoxicating when it was “good”. 
  So I’m jealous, hurt and sad.
  And I filed for divorce!  I have to kick myself in the butt and think about the abuse, the absolute insanity that was my everyday existence in the end. 
   I spent all weekend reading “stop walking on eggshells”.
I feel like calling me therapist and apologizing for never “getting it” when I was in session. It’s all there. A great read for anyone dealing with this.
   

[Steps31]

It IS a great read.

I can't imagine everything you've went through, but don't blame yourself. Forgive yourself... forgive her.
It's not too late for greater things.

[Goosey]

I’ll always forgive her.
  I want her happy. Just  not with me and I accept that. 
I’ll live with that.