this is the anniversary of the last night we spent together as partners

[alittleawkward]

So this is the anniversary of the last night we spent together as partners. It feels kinda weird marking the date like this, but also I feel like I need to do something, at least for myself.

A year ago tonight we had gone to our first proper rave together; something I really wanted to get into with her. It was probably the best night of our entire relationship in my view, but the following days I felt like an emotional punch bag and I just couldn't keep up with it all anymore. It is totally insane to look back and see how much and how frequently our dynamic has changed over the last year. Lord knows how I took it all and came out the other end.

I'm really proud of myself for how far I've come since though. Throughout July I was convinced I was going to be a single loner for the foreseeable future, but I'm getting back into the dating scene and have got most of my results back from my studies, which have continued to be top of the class despite not having my exwbpd's influence.

My check up routine has completely disintegrated. I have been through periods where I had to do it routinely every single hour of the day, and periods where I would do it once a week. I would wake up on the wrong side of the bed just to read our old conversations and cement my mood as horrible for days on end. That's all stopped now. I check up on her so infrequently that I don't remember the last time I did it, nor the time before. When she does come up I don't get any anxiety any more either. The whole thing feels like history now, there's so little dangling now that I can go about my life completely ok.

Very occasionally now I still get caught up in my thoughts about us. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I stuck by her for longer, but then I also reckon a couple more months of the torture I was putting myself through and I wouldn't be recognisable anymore. I still think about her every day I just let these thoughts pass without consuming me now, especially since returning home when there are way more reminders of her, and my family and friends all have asked about her too. Sometimes I think if we were both single and at a thing with our friendship group things could lead to something again, but I try and avoid giving these fantasies any time, especially now I'm chatting to other girls again.

It's satisfying to see that we're both doing ok without each other. She's finally managed to get a job she enjoys (at least the last time I checked) and I've continued to do well throughout my degree and have a well set up few months ahead of me. Also watching her slowly morph so that she appeals more to a new guy was interesting, and I can see how some of my friends said they watched it happen with me too. Kinda confirms my comments about her becoming a female version of me whilst we were together.

The part of it all that remains is the part of me that wants to be able to laugh about our stupid jokes again. That wants to be able to people watch in galleries platonically, without any fear of being hurt or jabbed at. I would still jump at the opportunity to be her friend, and she still means so much to me. I think this will be the case for a very long time. But also I've accepted that this hasn't and probably won't happen and I gotta keep moving on.

If anyone who is fresh out of a BPD relationship is reading this, stick to your guns and it does get easier. It gets so much better if you hold strong and focus on yourself, and your own morals, and properly reflect on the benefits of each encounter you have after the split. I think since broadening my understanding of BPD and channelling as much of the energy that I had spent focusing on her, on me instead, I have just about come out the other end as good as I entered. It's been difficult and I'm sure in the future with our mutual friendship group there will be more hurdles, but I'm happy that I can be me again without being an emotionally crippled mess.

Even if we did get back together in the future, I'd like to think now that I would be able to set up stronger boundaries and leave at the right time now that I have processed just about everything that happened when we were together. I'm just excited that I am finally in the position to accept and embrace something different.

[once removed]

anniversaries are tough.

they force the memories in your face. they also gauge how far youve come and while thats very useful...there can be a bittersweetness to it.

one bit of unsolicited advice:

I have just about come out the other end as good as I entered.

set your sights even higher. its a bit like walking into a gym and working to get back to the shape you were in. you can, in fact, become an emotional power house.

how is dating going?

[alittleawkward]

Dating is going a bit eh. Despite it being a year on, I still long for that intense connection, although of course this doesn't happen after 1 date. Because of living situations with the few people I have seen, none of it has lead to anything either. I am eager to fool around a bit more but have so many hurdles at the moment in the way. I have found my self-esteem needs a lot more work and I am way more anxious than I was before. I have contacted my therapist to start going back for sessions to see if it'll help.

I had my first major step back since we were last in contact today. Her posts appeared on one of my social media feeds and it's clear she has finally got a fairly serious partner in the scheme of things, for the first time since we split (although I believe this is person number 6 in the last 9 months). I know of this guy though, and he seems like a fairly reasonable person, who has strikingly similar physical characteristics and interests to me. I think finally seeing her move on a bit more publicly, and knowing that she is doing well for herself has disheartened me, as these are things I wished for her to do and experience a year ago when we were together. Jealousy is ripe, although I am constantly reminding myself that this is just the good bits I also experienced at the start of the relationship, and chances are behind closed doors cracks are already beginning to form. This is questioned though by her statements on how well she is doing for the first time in her life.

 A bitter part of me wishes to see the relationship fireball as mine did, but also I am happy that she has finally moved on without feeling the need to rub it in on me and let me know. I think more than anything I'm scared of seeing what I missed out on if this one lasts, or what could've been if she's telling the truth about getting a hold of her mental health.

Chances are I will probably see her with her new partner in a couple weeks, and my anxiety levels are already creeping up just thinking about the encounter. I'm tempted to message her to let her know about my study results and to wish her congratulations on her new job, however I have noticed every single time we have made contact in the last year she has said something pretty horrible to me or about me by the time we stop contacting each other again.

I'm hoping I can have a therapy session soon to untangle this mess and refocus myself on myself and better things.

[once removed]

I still long for that intense connection

what sort of intense connection?

[alittleawkward]

I suppose the fact we had a head start on a typical relationship. We already knew each other inside and out. There was very little to build up to, or hide. It was all exciting, even when she was at my throat.


Back to logging stuff for myself:

I still reflect and see how I just allowed myself to be manipulated though. But there is always that question of if they have changed and if they are a better person that would be even more suited to you now. Ruminating has come back with a vengeance and it is happening regularly and intensely, at least 2 times a day.

I've had a real emotional dive in the last couple weeks. Since I found out about her new partner, my anxiety levels have been consistently near-unbearable. I am having a therapy session later tonight to try and work out why that may be. I've also secured 2 new dates today too, however the excitement and eagerness for them is vacant. My ex has been interacting with me more on socials, and it's making me question the authenticity and dynamic of our past relationship again. Making me wonder how insecure I actually am? Do I have any mental health issues? Is she doing this to play games, or in an attempt to re-build are pretty burnt bridge? Common sense says to dis-engage, ignore, and leave it be. But it's been a while since we've had contact and I'm craving it, so I'm not listening to my instincts. Ugh the dilemmas.

[once removed]

you can find an intense and exciting romantic relationship again. you may need to change your perspective on what that means. in my life, there are 5 people i hit it off right from the start with. 4 of them remain my best friends today. the odds of that are really unlikely. my ex and i had an intense and exciting relationship from the start, as well, but havent spoken in about ten years, and on many levels, never really knew each other. one thing that ive learned is that hitting it off with someone is great when it happens, but real trust and intimacy are built slowly and over time. i didnt have the relationship with my best friends that i had when we met.

youre wondering if she has changed and better suits you.

what about the other part of the equation?

have you examined how this relationship broke down, and what about it would change if you were to get back together? thats really critical; whether the two of you have the right stuff, if whether the two of you love each other but cant make it work. what breaks down a relationship isnt bpd or bpd traits...its whether the two can ultimately resolve whats between them. my ex and i couldnt...that didnt sink in for a long time.

I am having a therapy session later tonight to try and work out why that may be.

its simple, alittleawkward. you havent let go of this relationship. youre holding out hope.

thats not a judgment, or a bad thing.

its to say you need to get straight and solid in how exactly you want to approach this. i was all over the place when i came here. i was out a couple of months, but i held out hope, but part of me longed to get through that hope and detach. i never really spoke to her again, she was in another relationship, so my path was a little bit clearer. you speak to her frequently, and emotionally, you are still very involved. youre dating in large part to replace the connection that you had, and that you are avoiding grieving, and its not helping.

what, in your heart, do you really want here? allowing for the fact that shes in another relationship, would you prefer to get back together? would you prefer to grieve and let her go?

[alittleawkward]

I think the frustration comes in that I have spent the last year cutting between the 2 sides constantly. I don't know what I truly want. My gut says if we got back together it would be toxic again. But if we don't I will have to indirectly witness all the best bits of our relationship over and over through social medias and friendship groups.

In this new relationship I can see cut and paste how ours went down. The difference is, now she has treatment and she is aware of why she behaves the way she does, and there is far less history to lose. We haven't actually directly talked in 4 months but its impossible to avoid through friendship groups, social media etc.

My therapist suggested that I am likely co-dependent and I have some of the lowest self-esteem she has ever witnessed. She also suggested I haven't let go, and that I will with time, if I stop being so hard on myself and just let it happen rather than constantly holding myself up with the 'why aren't you over this yet' mindset.

I think deep down I do wish to move on. I just long for my friendship back but realise this wont happen without the relationship attached, or (if I'm lucky) the torture of witnessing it happen with someone else. It's all still confusing a year on. I am definitely a million times better than I was but have grown impatient with watching my friends duck in and out of relationships as well as my ex in this timeframe whilst I'm still caught up processing things.

[BuildingFromScratch]

alittleawkward: I mean, I can see how it's disheartening to see people in relationships and not yourself. The truth though is getting into a relationship before you're healthy yourself is kind of a recipe for having another dysfunctional relationship. A lot of people think a relationship is going to fix them, when a lot of times it further complicates the issues you already have. Getting your own house in order before you stick your foot out into the dating world increases the quality of partners you can choose from and the chance of the relationship to succeed.

[once removed]

I don't know what I truly want.

thats okay.

in fact, the path for detaching and the path for trying to reverse a breakup often have some overlap.

I have some of the lowest self-esteem she has ever witnessed.

make this your focus. it will make your path much clearer.

to a large extent, you are tying your self esteem to your ex; on one hand, it seems like if she came back, it would be restored, and on the other hand, if her relationship blew up, it would be restored.

both are really a fragile foundation for self esteem, though.

imagine the version of you that would be better and stronger if she were to come back. work toward it. it may be that that better and stronger version is drawn to other things in his future. it may be that youre in a stronger place if she comes back.

stop being so hard on myself and just let it happen rather than constantly holding myself up with the 'why aren't you over this yet' mindset.

i agree with this. things got a lot easier for me when i stopped treating detaching like some kind of contest...with myself, with my ex, with others. you wouldnt do this if a friend died, right? you want to set some realistic benchmarks along the detaching process, but shaming yourself for not being where you want to be is no more helpful than ignoring it altogether.

its impossible to avoid through friendship groups, social media etc.

is it? the unfollow/mute button is your friend here.

i know in the aftermath of my relationship, it took very little to trigger me for hours on end, and im a bit prone to obsession in general. when i went through it, i didnt block anybody, but i unfollowed her, i unfollowed her friends. out of sight/out of mind worked really well for me in that regard.

my suggestion? mute or unfollow her. mute or unfollow, for now, mutual friends who are communicating with her.

[alittleawkward]

Good evening all,
it has been a long time since I have browsed this forum. It came up on my recommended searches whilst researching something, and I figured I would just log where I am now compared to 8 months ago, or however long it was since my last post.

I graduated university with the highest grade in my class. I was overwhelmed that I actually achieved this, and it gave me a massive confidence and self-esteem boost.

I landed a job with a really great name in the industry, although it's not going brilliantly it will surely be fantastic experience on my resumé.

I finished a second course of therapy and came out feeling great. Better than I have in the last 4 years. I've used this analogy before but it really is like walking into a place with a head like a bowl of tangled spaghetti, and reorganising them all 1 by 1.

I have a new partner. We met in the city and she had just moved here, so I showed her round and that was that. The relationship is nearly 4 months old now, and it's a lot more laid back compared to BPD. I often wonder whether I'm really into it, or whether it's just my only other experience in a relationship is with someone who is mentally ill and constantly love-bombs & gas-lights. Now our only fight is whether or not we watch a movie or a sitcom once we've had dinner.

I saw my ex a couple of times over the summer. Because of the nature of my old workplace we had lots of visitors every day. I suspect she visited to check up on me, as she had no other reason to see and all my social medias had gone quiet or private for a while. We didn't say a single word to each other, just some eye contact and a nod of acknowledgement. I have found sticking true to some of the boundaries I gave myself throughout last year and my therapy (do not instigate conversation with her... that was it really) has really benefitted me. I still sometimes get tempted by the idea of popping her a message, but I know now that I won't be nearly as hurt by it, and so far, every single time I've considered it, I haven't followed through.

She still likes my stuff or comments on something I share from time to time, and definitely does the odd 'indirect tweet' about me. But that's fine. I check up as and when I please these days, which is very little. The same as I do for anyone else, really.

I think, going forward, my biggest fear coming out of a BPD relationship was I'd never get the good bits of it all again. You fantasise about what you'll do together, where you'll end up and if you'll ever have such intense, magical moments. I kind of accepted that I just have to be content with myself, and anything else I get is a bonus. My current partner is great. I don't fantasise with her, just accept every moment for how it truly is. I don't know how long it'll last, but that's ok. I'm happy, she seems happy, and she hasn't made any hateful comments about the people she hasn't met yet which is also pretty cool.

Ultimately, patience & time (with a sprinkle of good friends and getting help) was what sorted this all out I think. I'm a lot closer with some of our mutual friends now so maybe the opportunity for a sit down coffee chat is on the horizon, but whether or not it happens I'm not terribly fussed about. Just taking everything as it comes.