BPD mom consequences

[Sad4Her]

Hi All,
Just had to post how proud of myself that I am today. Although, I am sitting here fuming, I did not let my mother goad me into her craziness. For anyone new to my story, I recently moved my mother near me after 1 year apart. Like most BPD individuals, she is very needy and dependent. She is also not very educated and has never really grown into adulthood & does not drive so she is needy ten-fold. So, I've been taking her here and there to get her set up and try to make her less scared of this whole new experience. As I'm sure you are all too familiar, when I am with her, I am on eggshells and it's difficult to be with her for even ten minutes nowadays. Today, as we went around town, I stayed calm and let things go until I hit my last straw. Background-my mother has difficulty with giving people space..I mean keeping a distance. She stands on top of people in line and they always look back at her like she is a pick pocketer. I am constantly telling her, "ma, move back." That's all the time so now that it's during Covid, my anxiety is extreme with her. So today we were on line waiting to enter a store and she was at it again. I asked her to come back to the 6' social distance line with me and she says, "I know, I know" (because she knows everything all the time). Then says, "It's not like I'm murdering anyone." I wanted to crawl in a hole and my heart started racing from embarrassment. However, I stayed calm. I explained, very calmly, that actually some people would feel as if it was hurting them because they are fearful of this right now. Then I stayed quiet, trying to calm my insides and not wanting to take it further because she would start screaming and making a scene as usual. Of course, true to herself, like a child, she now realizes she's made me mad. Like a child she tries to pretend nothing ever happened and wants to have pleasant conversations and I was very yes/no to her because my blood was boiling. She then asks what's the matter. (Crazy because she knows damn well what's the matter!). I said that I would not be talked to that way anymore. She says, "Well I'm your mother and you shouldn't talk to me that way (mind you I am a 47 yr old woman and she says it like I'm 5). I explained that if you talk to someone with disrespect, then they will not give you respect. Her response was her same previous sentence. I shut up, took her in the store, took deep breaths and got through it (we had other stores that we planned on going to after this one), knowing I was strong enough today to give her consequence and get myself out of this negative situation. When we got out and in my car, she says, clapping her hands and smiling like a child, "Are we going to...". I cut her off and said I was done for the day. She asked what's wrong and I merely said I'm done. Didn't let her goad me. I took her home and she went to hug me goodbye and I said, "Don't". (When I am not angry at her, I let her hug me, but after all these years, my insides crawl.) After I said that, she gave her usual, "I don't know what's wrong with you (sometime it's I don't know who made you mad), it's not me." Usually, that sends me over the edge (because EVERYONE knows it's HER!) and I start screaming back and forth with her until I physically feel sick. However, today I succeeded in shutting the car door and driving away...then I screamed alone in the car. I was supposed to see her on Friday but now I will give myself a break until Monday. I will go through lots of guilt but I am strong enough this time to do it. I have been working on this for 2 years and sometime I fail but not this time! Thank you too my former therapist. She has helped me get to this. I know it will NEVER be easy with my mother but if I can be strong half the time and save myself, I can live with some freedom.

[Methuen]

Good for you Sad4her.  This is a win for you because you accomplished your goal to set a boundary, and you stuck to it.  You stayed calm - fantastic!  You recognized within yourself "when you were done" (meaning you were reaching the end of your calmness capacity), and you communicated to her when you were done (politely but firmly set a boundary), despite her wanting more stops. Then you took her home (consequence).  You also set a boundary with the hug when you knew you couldn't be genuine about it.  FWIW, I think that "training" our pwBPD is a bit like training kids and dogs.  I don't say that in a mean way, but more as strategy. There has to be natural and logical consequences for undesirable behavior, and undesirable behavior should never be rewarded (by giving them what they want in the short term and letting them treat us like doormats).  You took a big step today towards individuation from your mom - you looked after your own needs, as well as supporting her (with her errands).  Congratulations!  I'm going to suggest that the more you practice setting boundaries and looking after your own wellness, the more comfortable it becomes to do.  Giving yourself a break until Monday seems like a great plan.  

Congratulations on remaining calm today, on setting boundaries, on using a logical consequence, and on looking after yourself (by closing the door and driving away). That's a lot of celebrate!

[Mata]

Good job Sad4her!  I think this is great progress. 

I had a similar "win" for myself yesterday.  My mom broke the rules at her assisted living apartment complex.  They have very strict visitor rules (basically none) due to COVID.
She decided she was tired of that, so she walked to a nearby park and met up with the priest from her church.  (He should have known better, but that is beside the point.)  Well, someone saw her and so now she is under a 14 day quarantine, and cannot leave her apartment.  She was so upset and doing everything she could last night to goad me into a fight about it.  Several times during my conversation with her, I could feel the adrenaline course through my body and my blood pressure rise.  But I didn't say any of the things I normally would.  I mostly just listened and then told her I knew she was really sad and disappointed and that this was the consequence of breaking the rules. 

When I got off the phone I also was fuming, but I'm so glad I was able to keep from escalating it.  And I am not letting myself feel upset for her.  She broke the rules, this is her consequence to deal with.  I also feel it will never be easy, but I'm glad we can share these little accomplishments!   

[Sad4Her]

Thanks Methuen. Yes, I agree totally. It's, unfortunately, like having a 3-5 year old child your whole life and having to train them each and every time. I think that if I looked deep into myself, it's probably the reason that I never felt the need to have children. I already have one...my mother. Thank you for the words of encouragement and support and I will continue to work on boundaries.

Mata, congrats to you as well! I hope we have many more days of success. How are you feeling today? Now the anger has passed and, of course, the guilt comes back. I was supposed to have my mother over tomorrow morning to help her do address changes on my computer but I told my husband that I am not going to see her again until Monday and give myself a break. She will basically be stuck because she doesn't drive and doesn't know her way around yet so I feel bad but I am sticking to it. She called me about ten minutes before my writing to you all. She said, like a proud child, "I called all my credit cards, etc. and changed the addresses on the phone." This is what she does when she gets "in trouble" with me. She will then force herself to do something adult and call being all proud of herself so that I will forget the terrible way she has treated me and take her out again to the toy stores (aka...Marshalls, Home Goods ). I WILL not until Monday.

[Mata]

How are you feeling today? Now the anger has passed and, of course, the guilt comes back.

I feel pretty good today.  But I know that guilt so well.  I've been working on learning to accept that feeling and just sit with it instead of jumping back in and reverting to my 'usual' behaviors with my mom.  I've found that enforcing healthy boundaries feels good in some ways, but is very uncomfortable for me in others.  However, I think the uncomfortable part (i.e., guilt, shame) will go down the more I practice healthy boundaries.  I have noticed, however, that when I don't feel guilty, I start to feel like I'm betraying my mom.  So this healing process is a bit of an onion.  Get rid of one difficult emotion, and another one moves in.     I'm sure this betrayal feeling is related to my emotional enmeshment.  It's all such a puzzle at times. 

She called me about ten minutes before my writing to you all. She said, like a proud child, "I called all my credit cards, etc. and changed the addresses on the phone." This is what she does when she gets "in trouble" with me. She will then force herself to do something adult and call being all proud of herself so that I will forget the terrible way she has treated me and take her out again to the toy stores (aka...Marshalls, Home Goods ).

Ha, OMG, I think our mothers could be twins.     Mine does the exact same thing.  She will act so helpless, totally incapable, and then when she isn't getting her needs met by me, boom! . . . she is suddenly resourceful and can do things.  But then, somehow, it gets turned around on me and she guilts me for "leaving her on her own" to figure things out - or - she uses it as a tool to guilt me into doing other things for her. 

I think that if I looked deep into myself, it's probably the reason that I never felt the need to have children. I already have one...my mother.

Same here.  I have never wanted kids, partly because I'm still "raising" my mother, and partly because I have 2 siblings who are 10 years younger than me and my parents effectively left me to raise them. 

I WILL not until Monday.

Good for you for taking a break until Monday.  You deserve to do that!  Hope you have a nice weekend. 

[GaGrl]

Good boundary work here.

M my 94 year old mother lives with us. She was very damaged by her NPD/BPD stepmother, following the trauma of her mother's death when she was only four years old. My mom has several BPD traits that require I keep boundaries in place. She really pushed them this week. I am so grateful for my husband, who patiently let me unload last night, complete with a few F-bombs. It really helps to have at least one person who understands and can listen when necessary.

[Harri]

Hi!  It will get easier with practice as others have said.  I found the biggest challenge was managing my own emotions and behaviors like you.  So build on this success.     Remember it when you can see if there is anything you can go back and tweak for next time.   

She will act so helpless, totally incapable, and then when she isn't getting her needs met by me, boom! . . . she is suddenly resourceful and can do things.  But then, somehow, it gets turned around on me and she guilts me for "leaving her on her own" to figure things out - or - she uses it as a tool to guilt me into doing other things for her.

I once read from one of our retired moderators that they learned this sort of behavior can be related to fear of abandonment.  Often people who have been in treatment and then go home can feel scared that their support will be taken away now that they have shown they can be competent.  I don't know if that is actually true in regards to the behavior of both your moms but it may be offer a bit of explanation.  I like understanding stuff or putting it in a framework that makes it easier for me to cope and process things so I thought I would mention it here.

 

[Mata]

can feel scared that their support will be taken away now that they have shown they can be competent.

This makes sense to me, I think it at least partially fits for my mom. Sometimes it does seem like her fear is if she didn't "need" me, then I would have no reason to be around her, and thus would abandon her.

I appreciate the insight, understanding the framework for some of these BPD behaviors is helpful for me too. 

[Panda39]

She said, like a proud child, "I called all my credit cards, etc. and changed the addresses on the phone." This is what she does when she gets "in trouble" with me. She will then force herself to do something adult and call being all proud of herself

I think our mothers could be twins.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  Mine does the exact same thing.  She will act so helpless, totally incapable, and then when she isn't getting her needs met by me, boom! . . . she is suddenly resourceful and can do things. 

My thought here, is to remember the above, your mother's are able to do things themselves.   They are adults after all, disordered but still adults.  When you feel guilty about not doing something for them (that they can do themselves) remember these moments of competence. If they really want it they will make it happen. 

My partner was really worried about leaving his uBPDxw because he too feared that she would not be able to take care of herself.  His mom told him not to worry that she was like a cat and would land on her feet and you know what she did.  In the 8 years since their divorce she has never been homeless, or without food and clothing, she's out there living her life.   

Panda39

[Sad4Her]

Mata,
LOL we have to laugh out of all our BPD family similarities. It's so sad that it's comical at times. Gotta find the humor in life!

Hi All,
It's so sick how when we try and give one emotion up another sneaks in. It's a never-ending cycle of emotions. I always had this underlying sensation when in my mother's presence, even as a child and even in happy moments, but I couldn't put words to it. When I found this website and started reading the "help" articles, I felt sick. It was the phrase, "emotional incest". That's exactly what I was feeling! It felt, and still feels, like my mother thinks I'm her spouse and expects me to take care of her and take her places like a spouse would. Still, as I write this to you, I feel like throwing up. It does feel incestuous and I guess because of how our minds are trained to think of that word, it feel nauseating  .