Jealous of all your recycles

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My (I don't know the codes; undiagnosed-but-consistent-with?BPD/NPD) ex (now 6 months since we broke up, 4 since I left the same country as her,1 since last contact) and I never "recycled." We had maybe four dramatic episodes (over four years) where she would pack her things, but they never actually consummated in a separation. We were always able to talk it back. We had lots of other instances of physical abuse (the blankness in her eyes when angry is terrifying) and there was certainly a constant, low-intensity regime of silo'ing, undermining, attempted provocation, threats (violent and otherwise) and every horrible thing. But we never "broke up and got back together." Not once.

The first time I packed my bag, the day after my birthday in February, I posted online - not to embarrass her (as she now says) - but to be held accountable and break the cycle. In that, I think I did the right thing - because it's only with the support I got from breaking the silo'ing that I was able to leave and felt like people would hold me to account for all I said.

Anyway, maybe it's the pandemic - maybe it's the ongoing uprisings in the US (I'm a community organizer) - but reading all these stories about how many "recycles" many of you had makes me... jealous? Like maybe there's "hope" that we will? I know, I know. If you read my twenty page, barely-introductory screed about the terror of our relationship, this is nonsense and irrational. "But now I know more! I know exactly what I'm up against!"

If she promised me she'd go to therapy (with me), I'd go back (if it were possible - it isn't, thanks to COVID.) Has anyone ever gone back - knowing what they know - and made it work?

Complicating matters, she got our business, our dog and everything I care about, too. And there's no way to extricate her from that without her being a part of the package. Maybe I'm just nostaligic for the life I lost? Maybe I don't think I'll ever get the other things - outside of her - back again; the life, the business, the adoring dog, the beach?

Everything is in flux for everyone and it's so hard to make concrete plans beyond tomorrow. This really is the worst time to be a (barely) recovering codependent, isn't it?

[getout2020]

My (I don't know the codes; undiagnosed-but-consistent-with?BPD/NPD) ex (now 6 months since we broke up, 4 since I left the same country as her,1 since last contact) and I never "recycled." We had maybe four dramatic episodes (over four years) where she would pack her things, but they never actually consummated in a separation. We were always able to talk it back. We had lots of other instances of physical abuse (the blankness in her eyes when angry is terrifying) and there was certainly a constant, low-intensity regime of silo'ing, undermining, attempted provocation, threats (violent and otherwise) and every horrible thing. But we never "broke up and got back together." Not once.

The first time I packed my bag, the day after my birthday in February, I posted online - not to embarrass her (as she now says) - but to be held accountable and break the cycle. In that, I think I did the right thing - because it's only with the support I got from breaking the silo'ing that I was able to leave and felt like people would hold me to account for all I said.

Anyway, maybe it's the pandemic - maybe it's the ongoing uprisings in the US (I'm a community organizer) - but reading all these stories about how many "recycles" many of you had makes me... jealous? Like maybe there's "hope" that we will? I know, I know. If you read my twenty page, barely-introductory screed about the terror of our relationship, this is nonsense and irrational. "But now I know more! I know exactly what I'm up against!"

If she promised me she'd go to therapy (with me), I'd go back (if it were possible - it isn't, thanks to COVID.) Has anyone ever gone back - knowing what they know - and made it work?

Complicating matters, she got our business, our dog and everything I care about, too. And there's no way to extricate her from that without her being a part of the package. Maybe I'm just nostaligic for the life I lost? Maybe I don't think I'll ever get the other things - outside of her - back again; the life, the business, the adoring dog, the beach?

Everything is in flux for everyone and it's so hard to make concrete plans beyond tomorrow. This really is the worst time to be a (barely) recovering codependent, isn't it?

[once removed]

when i came here, i was in a similar place to where you were.

my ex and i never formally broke up, until we did. we each said "its over"...probably a couple hundred times, but that never resulted in more than a couple of hours of not speaking. no serious breakup.

when it finally happened, i was devastated, as you are now.

and when i came here, i was in a place where the only real cure was her reaching out, pursuing me, anything.

if i were arriving in that position today, id be posting on the Bettering board.

why?

around 60% of relationships recycle. it really isnt uncommon at all. sometimes, its for the right reasons, sometimes the wrong reasons, sometimes both. but its a lot less common that upon reconciling, both parties figure out what went wrong, get on the same page, and live happily ever after. its far more common that getting back together is just a continuation of unresolved conflict that results in greater pain; the relationship was too good to leave, too bad to stay, the breakup happened as a means to achieve a power balance or change the other party, and now the relationship has really broken down to a point that is too far gone to repair.

just because the two of you hadnt "seriously" broken up before doesnt mean that isnt where your relationship is today. a "recycle" is either an opportunity to do things very differently, or pick up where you left off.

so the important thing to do here is to get clear on whats going on. do you want to give this another shot? is it a bad night? is it difficulty grieving?

[Cromwell]

Hi getout2020

I was wondering when you mentioned the condition of both of you getting therapy. What are your thoughts outside of this - would therapy be something that could help you here for your own benefit outside of making a relationship work?