Insanity Update

[Done-er Stepdad]

Brief synopsis (search for the full sordid tale):

I'm a stepdad of a 25 year old woman who has BPD and also, a serious integrity shortfall. Much drama about her moving out and supporting herself due various spurious health and mental problems that prevented work.

She joined a sugar daddy dating site and is now getting $5K a month from a married man. All of her health problems simply disappeared as soon as her rent got paid by someone else. She no longer claims to hear voices, particularly any that might urge her to get a job.

I am not minimizing her very real mental problems, but my wife was seriously conned for years and our marriage almost ended over her many implausible problems. The FOG was deep.

When I last posted here, there were so many accounts of people's kids on the cusp of various disasters demanding intervention (means $$$$, they could care less about your imaginary support). I was of the opinion that these kids would probably do alright if they left them to their own efforts.

And in this very imperfect example, I was right. I hope that helps someone today.

Further Sugar Daddy info for the worried: This is his second long term pay for play relationship. He's an affluent, functional person who really cares for her. We don't worry about her. We worry more about him. If this goes south, she WILL blow up his world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cbcrna1]

I am posting an update it has been awhile since I checked this forum.  My dd 40 went no contact more than 10 years ago.  As her mom it broke my heart and I feel I barely survived.  We tried so much to reconcile, therapy, phone calls, letters, apologies, etc. I finally let go.  It has taken me years to approach a feeling of personal stability after so many years of chaos.  I am so sorry for her, but she seems to live and maybe even thrive without a backward glance to her family.  I am sad for all the contortions we/I did, I don't think any of it helped anyone.  Until she wants it, I just don't see a relationship.  The price of a relationship with her would be my own sanity/peace; I almost think I would pay that price but she is not willing.  I am noticing that no one who was on this forum 5 years ago is here now.  What does that say?  I turned myself inside out validating; seeing her emotions; seeing only from her viewpoint and was willing; I don't really exist as a whole person to her.  I am so sorry, but it was a loss for me.  My heart is broken, her Mom

[Done-er Stepdad]

There's an old song lyric: First they use you, then they refuse you.

[incadove]

Hm just a super quick reply to this thought -

I am noticing that no one who was on this forum 5 years ago is here now.  What does that say?

It might be a few things - I tend to come here when I feel some pain in my relationship with my dd's, but not when its stable and functioning.  Sometimes I come when I see my dd's going thru things and I just feel like responding in some way but not directly to them.  During times when all is good I'm not here that much.  My relationship with one dd is more distant than it was -  which actually bothered her too - but I hope it will evolve naturally over time, as young adults they need their space to grow. 

I agree with Done-er Stepdad that integrity is the most important thing, at least in terms of honesty of direct communications.  I have to accept that my dd's might have very different values than I do, but the biggest thing is just being as honest as possible with each other.  It probably helps a ton that they have independent means of support and do not need to ask for money from me except occasionally or small things, which I'm happy to do for them.

[Done-er Stepdad]

5 years is the exact time frame from when the kid went THC-psychotic from constant dabbing (like mega-bonging) and had to be fished out of a dumpster at a concert and her eventual ejection from our lives due to theft, stealing medications, and abusing her dog.

Once they have you on the hook, it's a moving target of manipulation until it eventually all comes crashing down. So call that 5 years. Her cons were fake illnesses,  hard to define stomach ailments that came and went -and def went if a lobster roll was on offer. Anorexia that she kept forgetting she had.

Obv. as the non-parent, these cruder than Nigerian money scammers gambits grew thin fast and eventually almost ended my otherwise very happy marriage. I left, and then testing my patience even further, the kid instantly developed a 5 month kidney infection which again was mysteriously undiagnosable or treatable. When a sucker boyfriend ponyed up a security deposit and a first month's rent, her heath problems evaporated that very day.

Since then, we hear no talk at all about depression or sucidal voices; there is a spring in her walk. So too did her many problems with theft, police involvement, drug dealing likewise immediately cease. Her sole pretend-mental problem these days is ADD. She needs adderol badly, she says. Because cleaning the apartment without it is boring (that's a quote).

Her relationship with her mother has never been better, or more respectful, even tho my wife is brutally forthright with her now. My own relationship with her is cordial as well, even tho it was me who killed her con and got her bounced. She squeezed that lemon dry and now has us on the shelf in case we are needed again.

She has a new boyfriend she's very serious about (he's cool with the sugar daddy). And suddenly, she's not calling my wife a couple of times a day to use her as an emotional tampon or demand to spend t-yyyyyme together.

My tale is not an endorsement of Dr Phil-style tough love and confrontation. In addition to being an abusive user, the kid is clearly nuts and that always has to be tempered into the outrage mix.

90% of this pretend illness and acting out was to avoid work. At age 25 with no schooling of any kind, she's logged about 9 months of hostessing work (waitressing is too hard). It is def. down to some definition of poor character to think of yourself as above work and that someone else should support you, but it is also delusional and self-destructive. She has real problems, but ones that we cannot solve, and she demonstrably can, if she feels like it.

2 kinds of crazy people in the world: Those who think they are responsible for everything and those who don't think they're responsible for anything. When A meets B and then goes off the rails, they eventually end up posting here (if they're lucky).

[cbcrna1]

I am not bitter or angry; I am very sad and resigned. She has to live her life; and I do too.  I would gladly welcome her back BUT will not do crazy.

[Goosey]

  My sister is my tough support group. She fears I “miss” the crazy in my life. She may be a bit correct. I worry 50 percent of my time about my separated wife. And I reminisce about the “good” times. But I do then remember that the “good” times weren’t all good. I’m just kidding myself. And I’m now struggling a bit in my head because I know she is involved with someone new.  and after all the insanity of the last three years she caused  The switch has been hit and it’s silence. Am I jealous or hurt or relieved?  Maybe all three.