Re-establishing contact after smear/distortion campaign

[StillStuck]

After 3 months complete no contact (and a year off/on) before that, I just found out the woman with BPD with whom I had an affair has relaunched her efforts to smear me online. She has a large Twitter following of ~20,000 followers. In public, she mostly refrains from using my name, but she talks about her abuser or stalker and then smears me in private messages — based on what 1-2 people I trust have told me.

Since we broke up, I’ve done a lot of healing. I spent two months in a residential program dealing with PTSD from the relationship. Still, finding this out has me very stressed out and tempts me to read what she is writing.

Is it ever a good idea to reach out again? Is there a way to diffuse the situation? I feel stuck because I know I screwed up in a lot of ways, but she blames me for things I never did and won’t take responsibility for things she did do. It feels like a trap, but every few months it starts up again even though she has a new “boyfriend.“ I’m just not sure how to handle this or why it still stresses me out as much as it does.

[Mutt]

Hi StillStuck,

I thinks it’s natural to want to defend your good name. I spent some time in a residential program, I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I think it’s a personal choice. Personally I think that the most important thing is your emotional well being and is it worth putting through all of that stress?

People that have an ego wound for example will redirect their anger and emotions that they can’t process normally unto other people. Wouldn’t that feel emotionally draining and how does that feel say in and day out?

Is it worth it?

It depends on what’s she saying but if second hand news about her makes me feel off center then there are things that one can do to protect themselves.

A person could tell their contacts that I’m trying to move on and I’d appreciate it if news about the ex stays with them and that they don’t share it with me.

I’d close my social network account or put suspend it for a period where news about my ex doesn’t phase me at all.

From what you’re saying about her behaviors is that either if you say something as in defend your good name she’s going to cause distractions and that’s really this is - distractions. If you say nothing she’s going to cause distractions. Now if she’s in a r/s and talking about her ex before the person that she’s in with me and still attached to them what does that say?

[FindingMe2011]

Is it ever a good idea to reach out again?

JMHO-Some people do need to touch the stove multiple times to realize its hot. Im just wondering what you would accomplish? Past behavior dictates future behavior. Do you want to reengage? if so, why? You have done alot of work. Be prepared to go back to square one with your detachment. it took me a few tries, but practice makes perfect.

Is there a way to diffuse the situation?

If you think having a discussion with BPD will end in a civil truce, please think again. Responding to her in any fashion would only tell her, you are there for her. Not responding would eventually lead her to another host. Rejection doesnt sit very well with them. It will eventually evaporate.

It feels like a trap, but every few months it starts up again even though she has a new “boyfriend.“ I’m just not sure how to handle this or why it still stresses me out as much as it does.

Your instincts would be correct. It is a trap of sorts. just the trap BPD needs to validate the illness.
She obviously doesnt have enough drama going on, so she feels the need to make you the persecutor. here is a thread on Karpmans Triangle

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0%3ball

When seducing/mirroring a new host, BPD typically will play the victim, the new host is the rescuer,,,but she missing the persecutor. Would Stillstuck like to join?
The only winners are the one that dont play. She has a new r/s, let them figure it out. 2s company, 3s a crowd.


You would be serving yourself well not to, but sometimes we need to find out for ourselves. I wish you well, Peace

[Football2000]

Hell no, I would not reach out. I think giving someone like that a reaction might make them hungry for more attention.

But definitely stop reading what she is writing, and even ask your friends not to mention this stuff. You did say in public she "mostly refrains" from using your name, so I take it she actually does use it sometimes?

Well anyway, the whole situation sounds like an attention grab. Also keep in mind that most normal people who would encounter someone like this person on twitter would probably just move on and think it's tiresome.