What has been your experience?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my ex BPD and I after 4 years together have been broken up for about 8 months. The last few months there have been a few things she has done that seems out of the character like saying bye to my ex-wife (who I'm close friends with) twice while she was leaving Walmart where my ex BPD works. After my ex-wife ignored the first two attempts she called out my ex-wife's name and waved at her even though for the four years we were together she was always kind of cold and distant from my ex-wife. She also sent my son a friend request on Facebook. Another person pointed out that their ex does this too and he likes to call it "pinging."

I'm curious if other people have experienced this with their ex BPD and what their experience has been? Have the pings gotten more steady and more obvious/direct/desperate or have they slowly faded away? Have they eventually attempted to charm/recycle?

[Carguy]

So my ex BPD and I after 4 years together have been broken up for about 8 months. The last few months there have been a few things she has done that seems out of the character like saying bye to my ex-wife (who I'm close friends with) twice while she was leaving Walmart where my ex BPD works. After my ex-wife ignored the first two attempts she called out my ex-wife's name and waved at her even though for the four years we were together she was always kind of cold and distant from my ex-wife. She also sent my son a friend request on Facebook. Another person pointed out that their ex does this too and he likes to call it "pinging."

I'm curious if other people have experienced this with their ex BPD and what their experience has been? Have the pings gotten more steady and more obvious/direct/desperate or have they slowly faded away? Have they eventually attempted to charm/recycle?

[Carguy]

 

[BlueSpring]

My ex-BPD got onto my Facebook and sent out friend requests to all of my friends.   She set some fires with some of my female friends.  She got hold of my phone once, when it was unlocked, read all of my messages, and some were about her.  This enraged her, and, pretending to be me, she sent out obscene messages to most of my contacts.  Luckily, my friend know me, and know her, and they figured out that she had my phone.

Throughout the remainder of our relationship, she failed to take responsibility for this, and insisted that my friends didn't like her because I said bad things to them about her.

I have even more stories if you want to hear them.

[Carguy]

Wow Bluespring, you've been through a lot! My ex didn't do anything like that luckily. She did a lot of push/pull, I seen a  lot of narcissism in her, and she had an unhealthy level of paranoia. In the end she became very cold and hateful towards me.

After the last time she pushed me away in November she told me to go live my life so I started dating another girl and then she became colder than I have ever seen her. I was never in a relationship with this other girl, just hung out and went on a few dates with her. But I tried to reach out with an olive branch to my ex she would be very cold and angry towards me.

In February after she was angry towards me I told her I was just going to go no contact. Two days later she reached out to me and apologized for the first time in two years and was very empathetic. We started talking and then a few days later she went back to coldness. In March I had her removed her stuff from my property and since then it has been complete coldness. If I see her in the store she ignores me and if I tried to say anything to her she becomes very angry towards me.

In April she sent my son a friend request on Facebook. A few weeks ago she reaches out trying to say bye to my ex-wife as my ex-wife is leaving the store (she was kind of cold and distant to my ex-wife for the four years we were together.) Both very unusual. The therapist I listen to online says that those are things that she is doing to try to keep her connection to me. Since then I have chosen to stay away from Walmart and anywhere I can run into her. I need to do this so I can heal.

I would love to hear more stories. It helps to hear other people's stories as well. That makes us feel not so alone and isolated in these relationships that we've been through. I have also found that reading other people's stories sparks memories of things that happened in our relationship that I forgot about. It helps to remember the bad side of the relationship and not just all the good stuff.

[BlueSpring]

Hi,
I've had a few experiences like that, the hot and cold treatment. My ex also sent friend requests to all of my friends.  I believe the reason pwBPD do this is to keep an eye on you and see what you're saying to your friends about them.  They seem to want total control.

My ex not only wanted access to all of my friends, she also wanted all of my passwords and to track me on a phone app.  I didn't give her any of that. 

She cheated on me all the time and blamed it on my.  The old "if only I had (fill in the blank)" she wouldn't have cheated.  In her mind, it's all my fault.  I never cheated on her.  She finally had some guy she knew back in high school move in with her.  They haven't seen each other in 50 years.  (We're all in our 60s)  But even with him there and the two of them announcing their relationship everywhere they can, she is still sending me messages almost every day.  She says she wants me in her life forever.  I can assure you, I don't want to be there. 

Anyway, I'm here if you need to talk. 

[Starfire]

I like the term "pinging."  Like sonar on a submarine - someone sending out pings to check if there's someone out there listening or waiting.

I haven't been on this site for a while, and I'm back today because I got pinged after more than a year.  To back up, I went no contact more than 2 years ago.  The pings were steady and semi-regular for the first year but with longer stretches in between as time went on.  The last time (before this one) that I heard anything was Memorial Day weekend 2019, and that was a pinging burst - multiple calls and texts from multiple different numbers plus a bunch of Facebook likes and an instragram message.  Not realizing that I hadn't blocked him adequately on social media, I turned the blocks on and didn't respond, per my usual protocol since going NC.  There's been silence ever since until this past weekend when I got a "hey wish you would talk to me" text.

That's very typical of my ex-pwBPD.  ~2.5 years since I've initiated any contact or responded to any of his contact.  More than a year since his last ping.  But he immediately goes straight into "wish you would talk to me" with no other lead in.  Knowing his patterns, I can tell that he's likely fresh out of a relationship, feeling lonely, and (mis)remembering how wonderful we were together, and bam! in his head he's right back in the moment again.

I wish I could say that eventually this behavior will end, but my experience does not support that claim.  It's interesting and kinda amusing now that he and I have been apart longer than we were together, yet he's still hanging in there.

And absolutely, I'm grateful this group is here for me to "run to" when this sort of thing happens.  Helps me to remember why I went NC in the first place.

[Carguy]

Hi Bluespring.

That reminds me of some of the things my ex BPD did as well. Like I said, after she was cold and angry towards me she sent my son a friend request on Facebook. My therapist said it could be to make me jealous, see what I am posting to my son, keep a connection to me, ECT.

I guess technically mine did not cheat on me. One time we were not technically together but we were spending time together. I thought we were working on things. One weekend we went to the same spot we did on our first date with her kids and took the same pictures we did on our first date. A week later she comes to my house and tells me that the night before she "got naked" with another man but then pushed him away and nothing happened. As if that didn't hurt enough then she tells me real quick and sharp "But I didn't do anything wrong because we weren't together!" Okay maybe we weren't technically together but it still hurt the same.

 A year-and-a-half later when she found out she had HPV and that I might have it, she told me he gave her oral sex but then she pushed him away.  That's where she thinks she picked it up from. This was about two years ago. A few months ago I found out who the guy was through mutual friend and when he seen me and knew who I was he apologized to me and told me that she had smeared me to him. She had smeared him to me as well. When I told him what she said about the sex and pushing him away he said "Oh whatever!"  I'm not sure what happened between them but I have a feeling she lied to me about it. I have never cheated on her either and during our 4 year relationship never even dated another girl even during the times we were apart.

Honestly I'm not sure if she will try to reach out to me. I kind of doubt it. She might continue to do little things 'pinging' me though.

Funny thing is, a couple of times I have seen her talking to other guys in public but I have not seen her try to flaunt a relationship. I'm not entirely sure she has been in a relationship with another man since our parting last November. I know she picked up a best friend right after our split and from what I have heard, they are no longer speaking. She has a hard time keeping close friends as well.

Hi Starfire.

 I like that term as well and that was my first thought when someone else on this board said it. I thought immediately of a submarine pinging to see if anybody else is around and listening. I think it's a perfect analogy and summarizes exactly what she's been doing.

On top of sending my son a friend request and trying to get my ex wife's attention to say bye, I noticed a time or two that she suddenly pops up in my view. One of the times could have been a coincidence but the other time was completely out of the ordinary and very suspicious. It was pointed out to me that she was likely trying to put herself in my vision.

 I have heard of them popping back up months and even years down the road. It seems to be not too uncommon. I'm not sure if she will or not. She might though. We have ran back into each other several times over the years. We dated 15 years ago for a couple of months and parted on good terms. I didn't even know about BPD until I dated her this time. Even then it took me 3 years into the relationship before I found out through my therapist.

I have noticed with mine that her ping's are not direct. She doesn't message me or try to communicate with me and if I say anything to her she becomes angry. Her pings are indirect. She has told me before that she has a hard time reaching out to people and from what I have seen during our relationship that seems to be true. This is why I doubt she will reach directly out to me but might ping indirectly a few more time.

Like you I am very grateful for this group as well! It really helps to be able to talk to others who have been in the same situation. It's very validating.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
Wow, that all sounds like what happened to me.  My ex used the same rationale, that it's okay for her to be with other guys because, "we weren't together." but her idea of a break-up is a fight that ends up with my walking out.  The walk out is just to get away from her and her craziness for a while.  I never meant it as a break up, but she used that a good excuse to cheat. 

She told me the same things your ex told you, that she never went through with anything, but then later admitting that she did. 

Right now, she lured an old high school acquaintance of hers into a romantic relationship.  In fact, he moved across the country to live with her.  He hasn't been her even a week, and she's constantly messaging me.  She even called me this morning and told me they had a fight.  And so it begins.  She told me that she called him by my name, and that they were fighting over something he does that she doesn't like.  I know how that goes.  She's latched onto it, and she'll never let it go.  She told me it went so far that she called his mother and involved her in their dispute.  This thing between them is going to end up in a mushroom cloud. 

So I can completely understand what you're saying and how you're feeling.  I'm not sure how to deal with it, though.  The best advice I've gotten from others who seem to know is to back away from it.  Don't get sucked back in.  A pwBPD is a master manipulator.  Let me know how you're doing.

[Carguy]

Hi Bluespring.

If we weren't together that made it okay but she was the one that did the breaking up every time with me.

In 2018 she started going to a retreat in Oregon every year and when she went in 2018 she connected with another guy. After she got back we ended up getting back together eventually. A few more off and on and fast forward to 2019.

We are together and she starts pushing me away a few weeks before the retreat. I encouraged her to go to the retreat because I know how much she loves it and I helped get her vehicle ready. On the way there she is panicking and texting with me and I am giving her words of encouragement and she's telling me how much they mean to her.

On her return trip she hardly text or respond at all and when she gets back she tells me she reconnected with this guy and wants to see where it goes. I told her okay. 6 weeks later after not talking I ran into her and it never got off the ground with that guy.

That was okay but last November she pushes me away again and tells me we are just friends, she doesn't know if we'll ever be back together, and when I asked about dating others she told me to go live my life. I go on a few dates with another woman and she is now colder than ever towards me and so angry about it.

Through this four-year relationship there was always a double standard.

Like I've heard it said, it is like they all use the same Playbook!

I agree with you that it will end up in a mushroom cloud. They have a knack for doing that. I know right after we parted ways in November she befriended a girl 15 years younger than her and they became best friends. That has now ended and I don't believe they even talk at this point. I don't know if she reconnected with that guy this year at the retreat but if she gets in a relationship with him or any other man I'm sure it will end the same way.

Recently from others I have learned about some of her past relationships. Some of them have only lasted a month. I think outside of her second marriage on probably the longest relationship she's had.

All I can do right now is continue talking to my therapist and working on me and keeping my distance from her while I do.

[Carguy]

Also when she finally admitted to the oral sex a year-and-a-half later, she told me she forgot that something did happen. For some reason her mind blanked it out and she doesn't know why but sometimes she does that. I've read that they can have that happen when it's traumatic but I honestly think she just didn't want to tell me the full story in the first place. I think when she found out she had HPV she knew that the story of nothing happened and she pushed him away wouldn't fly. I think there was probably more that happened but she wouldn't admit to it.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
I hope you're having a good day today.  Reading over your post, I began to wonder about something.  Did she always seem to have another guy, a third party, hovering around in your relationship?  And was she always ready to run to this guy every time you didn't do as she pleased?  And on that same note, was whatever you did never good enough?

I'm asking because this happened to me, and I think it's just part of this disorder.  In any event, it's painful to be on the receiving end, and I can relate.  I feel for you, brother. I'm in the same place.

I get this whole deal about being pushed away then brought back in.  It feels like, "Hey, I'm going to test drive this other guy, and if it doesn't work out, you can come back."  And somehow, they don't see how wrong that is.  Somehow they think we'll jump at the chance.  My ex even said that to me without a clue.  She picks guys up on social media, even when I would be sitting right next to her.

And we watch these affairs blow up, one after another.  My ex has this guy living with her now.  He hasn't been there a week and already the fur is flying.  She sent me a long text telling me that she calls him by my name and laughs about it.  He gets pissed.  Then they had a fight over something he does that she doesn't like, and she called his elderly mother and involved her.  Further, she contacts me every day.  Yesterday, she called me twice. 

And the fact that your pwBPD can't keep friendships is significant as well.  This is another pattern.  My ex has blown so many friendships in the three years we were together that I've lost count.  You're right when you say it's the same Playbook.  At first she's happy and excited with both friendships and romantic relationships, and then the smallest things lead to an explosion. 

Short, turbulent relationships are all people with BPD have to look forward to.  My dilemma is that I do care about her.  I feel compassion for her because she's so pathetic, and I know she's not well.  But what do we do?  Do we sacrifice our own lives, happiness, and well-being to maintain them?  Let me know what you think and how you're doing.

[Cromwell]

Carguy

One example, id change my number, half hearted effort or at least making moves in that moment to end the relationship, an hour later I get a message from a family member to ask if it is okay to give her my new number, she simply asked them (I read the message) "has Cromwell changed his number"

Can I ask you, do you see it as a "ping" that was designed to reach you - via your ex wife?

If so, how does that feel, if not, how does that feel too.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
Yeah, I would think that's definitely a "ping."  If your ex is trying to ingratiate your friends and family in order to keep in touch, she's up to something.  As I've said, my ex is keeping in touch with me right under her new boyfriend's nose.  Today is a good day so far, I haven't heard from her...yet. 

It seems as if she's trying to turn me into the third party in her new relationship, but I don't want to be that third party.  First, I don't want to deal with the crap this stupid guy might want to throw at me, and second, I don't want her and all of her drama back. 

But I am conflicted because I know she needs someone, but I don't want to sacrifice my life to her.  Maybe this guy will because he doesn't seem real bright, and he seems to have low self-esteem anyway.  Let his soul dissolve, not mine. 

I would caution you to be careful, and as tough as it might be, don't give her your new number.  It's bad enough that she might stalk you in other ways, but you don't have to ask for it. 

Let me know how you're doing.  Be well, my friend.

[Carguy]

Bluespring,

I can't be 100% sure but there were things that made me wonder. I think the guy from the retreat has always been floating in the back ground but he lives a couple of hours away. The other guy that she "got naked with" came back around later when we went apart again. She said they were only friends the second time. When I talked to him he got tired of it and walked away and didn't have much good to say about her. I did notice that it seemed like she was trying to hide her phone screen from me when she was on it and I was there. I also noticed that once in awhile when she would go out with a friend she would tell me she was hanging out with a friend tonight. She wouldn't say a girlfriend or a name. I don't know if she did that to keep me on edge. I've read thst they do that. It did bother me though. I would tell her who I was going to hang out with out of courtesy.

 You are right though, anything I did wasn't good enough and I even told her that several times. Everything was always my fault too. All of these are part of the disorder.

The funny thing is, she has several friends but they are not close friends. They are people that she says hi to in the store and hugs and ask how they been doing. Others live far away. Anytime she develops a close friendship where they spend quite a bit of time together she eventually blows it up. This one lasted probably eight months I think. When we first got together she had a best friend and within a few months of us getting together she blew that one up too.  Through our 4 year relationship she didn't have a best friend until after we split up. She does the same thing with relationships. All of that I have read is part of the disorder.

I also noticed that in our 4 year relationship she had four different jobs. Every time she would start a new job within months she would tell me how awful it was and nobody there liked her and they were all plotting against her and thought she was dumb.

 I think with your ex she wants to maintain a connection with you and maybe even keep you there in case things don't work out with the other guy. I do think they love us and have a hard time letting go but their fear of abandonment Controls a lot of their choices. The therapist I listen to online that specializes in this disorder says they would rather have a dysfunctional connection to you then no connection at all. It's part of their fear of Abandonment. It controls a lot of their decisions. They will line up somebody else before they even leave the current relationship just so they don't have to be alone.

Like you I do love and care about mine but I don't dare go near her at this point because of the hurt I have felt from her. I'm just trying to work on myself right now.

Cromwell,

My ex's pings are fairly indirect. She won't text me or call me or like anything on my Facebook )we are not friends on there.) She won't do anything like that is direct to me.

 I'm pretty sure the one involving my ex-wife was a ping. In our 4 years together she always kept a distance from my ex-wife, would never say hi to her, would look down at her phone or away if my ex-wife was around and not look directly at her,  A lot of things like that. She knows my ex-wife and I are close friends and talk on a regular basis (my ex-wife rents a house from me.) Someone pointed out when she tried to friend my son on Facebook a few months ago that she was likely Indirectly feeling things out with me. Basically if my son would have accepted the request then maybe I wasn't to upset. She may be doing the same thing here with my ex-wife. Trying to feel things out with me. See what I have told my ex-wife by how my ex-wife responds.

To be honest it did feel good. I am still in the stages of missing her and hurting. There is still a part of me that wishes things would have worked out. I guess when she Ping's it kind of makes me feel good because it makes me feel like she does perhaps miss me still. It's kind of validating.  This is where I have to be really careful though. I could easily get sucked back in if she tried to charm me. I have to be aware of that and I am becoming more aware of that every day.

[BDR]

You must break the soul tie or she will always have that control over you . It is a very real thing

[Carguy]

BDR,

It's hard but I'm trying. I continue going to therapy and reading and learning and I feel myself getting a little stronger everyday. Staying no contact and staying away from any place I could run into her helps.

[Cromwell]

I can relate to missing her Carguy. Is it just a chance she could charm you back that you might do so for that reason or could part of it be going back be a way of temporarily soothing the pain associated now with grieving the relationship? I know i went through my stops and starts and it was not solely about her that i recycled each time it felt as if it was but it was more complex. I felt less of the hurt by simply being back with her, although this by itself does not fix the issues, it is more id call a glossing over.

It's hard but I'm trying. I continue going to therapy and reading and learning and I feel myself getting a little stronger everyday. Staying no contact and staying away from any place I could run into her helps.

I did the same. It was a complete no contact and i wanted to be left alone to get more centred again. I think what might help is less of a focus on herand what she might think of you? What if there was some more focus on your needs. If you happen to srr her again how might that be different as a result? How might it go if unchanged? {you see her again and behave under the notion of how she may think of you} ie. It sounds orientated towards her and less about what it is you may want. An apology? For just one possible Example. I would have liked one but i did not feel i could ever ask for one and cause her to feel that i was putting her in a bad mood.

When i became more aware that this was a reason (i found it hard to self soothe emotional pain) and going back to her seemed to abate it for a while at least, it highlighted to me a form of prior unknown vulnerability. Why was i going back to a source of hurt? It made no sense rationally. It also made sense how this behaviour was self esteem eroding to amd why i felt uncomfortable with myself for going back each time regardless if things seemed to have been patched up.

It has been difficult to walk away, to accept that for all that was good it just isnt healthy, that good moments i can miss but are not a good enough reason to endure - that - much grief.

Sort of a weighing up decision in the end which involved calculating the sum of everything Pretty complex decision making process to compute it. Of course our lives are also more than a relationship and i included this too.. The impact on my other relationships, the abstract prediction on my 'future' too and if false 'hope' was justifying enough to use as a basis to keep on trying.

[Carguy]

Cromwell,

You bring up a very good point. Honestly it would stop the pain temporarily that I am feeling. One of my Facebook pages posted something today that made me think. It said "Nobody really tells you this, but sometimes the healing hurts more than the wound." I think that is very true here. The thing that I have to keep telling myself is that I was in this exact same spot 1 year ago. I have been in the same spot several times over the last couple of years. Yeah going back would stop the pain but it would resurface again. Our Cycles got shorter and each breakup got worse. I'm sure it would continue the same way.

Focusing on myself instead of her brings up a good point too. Thinking about it, I have been thinking quite a bit about her and what she thinks about me or what she would think about me with all the progress I've been making. What our next encounter would be like and how different I will be by then. I am slowly focusing more on me and less on her and what she thinks but there has been that thought in my mind. I have still ruminated about her but I'm finding I'm doing this less and less.

It has been extremely difficult letting go. I have only been married once and after my divorce in 2005 I've dated but at times I've gone years without being in a relationship. Out of those girls I dated, this girl was the only one I actually considered marrying and could see a future with. She seemed like the one and we almost got married a few times. Letting go of that hope has been extremely difficult and painful. In the end though I know that it would end sooner or later. If I had married her it would likely end in divorce later with more pain. Unless this girl actually gets the help she needs and did DBT and was dedicated, I think her whole life is going to be one relationship after another. It's sad and it saddens me but I need to do my own healing.

[brighter future]

Carguy,

I want to share something with you that my therapist told me yesterday evening regarding my BPD ex-g/f. It had a lot of meaning.  She told me to try not to be angry at my ex because of her behavior towards me due to the fact that she's not mentally. My therapist asked me to focus on myself so that I can get myself to better place but to "show compassion from a distance" for my ex. Showing compassion from a distance will allow me to forgive her for what happened and also will allow me not to get sucked back in to her negative BPD behavior.

My therapist is also actively working with me on coping skills in the event that the ex tries to recycle me when things go wrong with her rebound man. She said it's likely to happen.  I still do love my ex, but I can't go there again and be subjected to that same hurt. I am certain it would happen again if we ever got back together again. Like you, this is the only girl that I saw myself marrying after my divorce. When she was mentally healthy, things were wonderful between us and was unlike anything I've ever had with anyone before. It is painful letting go of those memories. But, like one of her family members asked me "What's the chance of her actually being completely mentally healthy?" I said slim to none. She said, "Correct. You've got to let her go."

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Cromwell]

Car Guy

Thanks for sharing, and I know it takes courage to do so, it is insightful to read.

Ive had much the same fantasy of "look at me now"

Do you wish to share what you envisage in the imagination of how it pans out?

These are just thoughts, they do not need actioned upon. I say this as having went back spurred on by realising some fantasies. The make up sex, the sleep with her friends as revenge, the return of the saviour role.

They played a role in alleviating otherwise painful negative emotions. I think if I was more in tune and self aware would have understood that I had been caught up in some sort of place of pain that prompted such fantasies. But there has been many moments especially during the relationship I would characterise as unable to reflect, not have my own space to do so. The lifestyle was often chaotic, drama filled, it could be a form of painkiller in itself to be constantly the recipient of such heightened - new - stimuli each time to continually react towards. Past issues get quickly "layered" over as the next antics unfold themselves.

Being here and finally going no contact has resembled something of an emotional archaeological dig site to sift through. It has not all been "pain" via healing though, it has been much more unexpectedly.  

[Carguy]

Brighter Future,

Thank you for the Insight! I don't really feel angry towards her, just really hurt and sad to lose her.

Like you, when things were good they were amazing. When they were bad I ended up in the same spot I am today with her pushing me away and going silent. Exactly one year ago today I was in the same spot. Feeling the hurt and her being gone. She is a lot more cold this time though. This is the worst I've seen it.

In the past I usually had to reach out. Very rarely did she. I'm not sure mine will ever reach out to me again.

 I do have to be compassionate from a distance. Right now I am no contact and just staying completely out of her sight. Like you I am learning skills with my therapist. I did ask my therapist if she came back into my life how would I approach telling her she needs help before we could become friends. He told me to just ask her who her therapist is and how I can get clearance to talk to her therapist. He told me if she gets defensive or angry she is still likely deep in her disorder.

The thing that is hard is I see this girl buying book after book and going to retreats trying to figure out what is wrong with her and fix herself. The last she told me she believes she has social anxiety. She knows something is wrong with her but I don't believe she knows the exact problem. And like everything I have read and therapist have told me, you can't just tell them. It will blow up in your face.

Cromwell,

There are different emotions that want to see different outcomes really. The hurt part of me wants to show her that I am doing good and don't need her and I'm changing and making improvements in my own life. She has told me in the past that she's afraid if she let's me go that I will become the more understanding, better, perfect person she wants me to be. There's that hurt part of me that wants to show her that's who I'm becoming. Definitely a "look at me now" scenario.

There's the part of me that misses her and wants her back (though logically I know I can't go through this again.) It wants her to see the changes I have made and the better person I am becoming. That emotion wants her to be missing me. Basically I want to feel wanted by her again.

I have noticed these feelings slowly diminishing and my yearning for her slowly easing. It's hard and she is on my mind a lot still but not as much as she used to be. I was very much obsessed in the past. My therapist noticed this along with all my friends and family. I still may be a little obsessed but I find that easing as well.

As far as sex, there have been a few times that I have craved that with her but not very often anymore. My craving was a lot more toward the beginning of when we parted. Mostly I just miss her company and all the good times. I think of all the Adventures and romantic times we spent. I even took her to Canada to meet my family. It was a first time for her to go through two of those states and the first time in Canada. I loved showing her my province. Memories like that I will always cherish.

There was quite a bit of drama in our relationship too. Some of her thinking was quite bizarre as well. As far as her pinging, I have recently learned to not react to it. Not try to reach out. All I get is negative reaction when I do. I don't know if that's her intent, to Ping so I will reach out so she can slap me down as to feel in control or empowered.  maybe there is another reason too. I don't know. For now I'm just keeping my distance and not give her reaction.

[Cromwell]

Hi Carguy

Thats nice to hear, you come across quite calm and factual in the commentary of the experience.

Good memories to cherish, I have a stock of them, she was special to me but it was important also to let some of that emotional attached intensity become disassociated with it.

I learned a lot from the experience, once the emotional side I managed to not let itself carry me away with.

I wish you all the best in how well you are doing so far and that you have a therapist in the wings and this support here that I vouch for, I can only see you going from strength to strength. It was not easy to get through, we have talked a bit about pain and sadness, if I had chatted with you when I first came here this would have been mostly all the that occupied my state of mind. The healing can be painful, but I believe each step of the way we all have the ability to craft a bit of how the healing goes, can take some ownership of the thoughts, at least in my own case I found a sense of empowerment and skill at doing so that was absent during the relationship, I was definately more reactionary and passive to whatever the day brought to me.

Certainly I have also had an issue of "what people think of me", it did not just apply to my ex, it has been more general. I believe it meant she never got to see the "angry Cromwell" and I had to confront him, myself, as a result, post relationship therapy when it was safe to do so.

I want a relationship where, ideally there is less to create an Angry Cromwell but where it is safe to be one too. Its safe to say that many of those happy times were the result of a lot of repression of pain, anger and other negative difficult emotions in order to make it/fake it a "happy" times. It is sad to report, it meant those memories are a bit different than what I would have idealised them as, even felt them during those times, but I feel more mentally better to see them with more authenticity and realism.

Nice chatting with you thanks for sharing. 

[Carguy]

This sounds a lot like me, both the past me and what I'm looking for as well. You have given me things to think about.

Thank you Cromwell. It's been nice chatting to you too.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
I'm sorry I've been absent for awhile.  I've been dealing with some rough issues of my own.  I just want to offer some encouragement and let you know I'm still here.  Be strong.

Bluespring

[Carguy]

Hi Bluespring!

Thank you for the words of encouragement. She's been on my mind a little more today and I've been feeling myself missing her again. I'm just trying to self soothe and stay no contact and keep my distance. Some days are harder than others.

How are you doing? What has been going on?

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
I get what you're saying.  The no contact is rough.  I just looked at my phone and saw that she attempted to call me again about 10 minutes ago.  It's hard to not grab the phone and unblock her and call her back. 

I woke up at 4:00 AM thinking about her and running through all of stuff that goes with that.

Let's just keep talking to each other and keeping each other strong.  Sometimes it helps to remember some of the more horrible incidents.  Then I ask myself, "If you were with her right now, would you be happy?"  Would I be happy being blind sided by a cruel, uncalled for insult?  Would I be happy seeing her phone light up with messages from guys she's been flirting with?  Would I be happy waiting for an unprovoked explosion that could turn physically violent?

When I remember that, and put myself back into the reality of they way things really were, I know I'm happier here in peace with my dog and cat.

[Carguy]

Bluespring,

I can relate to waking up at 4 a.m. and thinking about her. I did that a lot! I don't do it so much anymore but I still don't sleep through the night so well.

It would be very hard for me to not respond or call her back! With mine however, I really don't believe she will try to contact me. From what I have seen with her, when she is done, she is done. She has even told me in the past she has a hard time reaching out to people. All the times we have been apart she has only reached out to me a couple of times. I did all the reaching out the rest of the time.

She may or may not ping me a little more. Who knows? I know it does tempt me at times to walk into Walmart while she is working and not engage her or say anything to her but just walk on by and see what her reaction would be. In the end I still stay away though. I know it would cause me more stress and grief right now. This is why my therapist told me to stay away for awhile while I work on myself.

Mine luckily wasn't physically abusive  and she never really called me names on a regular basis. There were times she told me she believes I like being an a**hole or stuff like that which I don't. One time it really upset me when she told me I didn't have any honour. Otherwise she blamed me for everything, was extremely paranoid and untrusting, and broke up with me and pursued another man a time or two. There were other things that were hurtful as well. She could be pretty cold and rude. It helps me to remember those times as well.

How are you holding up tonight?

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
I'm holding up just okay.  I'm at a stage where I'm thinking about how she used me to keep her company while she was searching for another guy.  It seems like she was always looking for what she thought would be a better deal.  I'm angry about that right now.   

She convinces this jerk to move in with her, and he goes running to her on the promises of sex, money, and excitement.   And that's why I'm hoping this thing blows up like the Hindenburg.  I know I'm feeling angry and vindictive right now, but it's just been one of those weeks.

[Carguy]

Bluespring,

I know how you feel hoping it blows up. I have felt that way before too. I believe it's quite normal to feel that way after being through what we've been through.

I honestly don't believe my ex is seeing anyone right now. She may have seen a guy for two since our break-up but I'm betting it didn't last very long. Maybe one or two times hanging out. I have to question if mine was talking or looking for other guys while in our relationship. I can't be sure but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I'm still staying away from Walmart and her although I have been feeling the missing her part again a little bit. I'm still working on me though and have ordered some books that my therapist and the therapist I listen to online both recommended. I also continue to work on myself with my therapist and did some more EMDR therapy today.

One step at a time. How are you doing this week?

[BlueSpring]

Hi Carguy,
My ex did contact me and she was acting very nice.  She told me that she's already had a fight with this guy over his smoking.  She hates smoking, and he refuses to quit, so he runs outside and "smokes," but he's out there for 40 minutes.  I know this because she called me while he was outside and stayed on the phone for 40 minutes.  He complains about the weather and he hates the state we live in.  But I don't think he'll go away.  I think he's going hang on for quite a while because he's that kind of person.   He's clingy himself.  He has been here for at least a month, and he hasn't even started looking for a job.  While it's true he was quarantined for two weeks, that shouldn't have stopped him from online job searches or making phone calls.  He just prefers to lay around her house all day, having sex and smoking.  She told me he hasn't paid for anything yet.  Sounds like he's some kind of pathetic bum.

Anyway, she had been friendly and nice, but then two days ago she split on me.  She sent me a series of little memes telling me I broke her heart and I used her.  (I used her.  That's a good one.  I'm not the one living in her house for free)  Then she started in on how I owe her money, and how she hates me, but I need to help her straighten out her divorce settlement.  She can go to Hell.  When she and I were together, she never cleaned her house.  She just sat around drinking all day.  Her house was a mess, and when I said I didn't want to go over there because it was a mess, she told me to clean it up if I didn't like it.  Now, she's telling me that she's cleaning her house for this new asshole.  Seriously, she can go to Hell. 

I haven't heard from her for a few days now.  I guess things with the new idiot are going well, and she doesn't need me as a third party for the moment.  I'm really angry at her, and I really do hope this PLEASE READ show she's involved with blows up like the Hindenburg with the cops called and all.

And I'm disappointed with myself for letting her do this to me again.  I hope you had a better week.  I'm going to start therapy as soon as I can catch up financially.