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tangy flora

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: parent
Posts: 4


« on: July 05, 2020, 11:13:07 PM »

This is my first post and I'm new to this type of forum hoping the below is met with patience and understanding. I have a grown daughter, 30 years old, who shows traits of BPD.  She is extremely high functioning and successful. She is married and they have a 9 month old baby girl. I have been seen more than one therapist for short periods in association with anxiety. The longest therapy regarding my daughter since she was 16. I take meds for anxiety and have increased the dosage periodically because of our relationship. Only recently the puzzle of her long term behavior became clear with BPD traits defined.  She lives abroad so my contact with her is limited. We have made numerous trips to visit overseas in the last 4 years, each time some emotional blow up. During/After every significant life event (marriage, visits of family members, baby etc.) emotions have run high with lots of anger, criticism and estrangement following. We have not reached out to her husband as we don't want to cause any problems in their marriage.

She told me she was getting help after the last event (baby 9 months ago) but I do not see any improvement, in fact, things are worse. I have been told via text yesterday "Please stop texting, emailing, sending pictures or contacting me in any way. I do not know how to be more clear". All I did was tell her I loved her in a text and showed a picture of her baby I had printed and put in a picture frame.

She has written that the issues are hers and not placing blame on me. She doesn't want to hurt me but oh boy there's a lot of hurt. It seems to be a one way relationship, communication only when she initiates. My heart is broken, we had such a close relationship and it feels like part of me has died, loosing her, my only granddaughter and son-in-law.

I have read both of the books suggested on the BPD central website, which were helpful, but very often I have suicidal thoughts as the pain is too much to bear. I have a very supportive husband and another daughter who will be married this August. If not for them, I couldn't go on. I'm in tears every day and wish I could "let her go" as everyone, husband, mother, other daughter tell me to do. I guess it's a loss of hope that I struggle with and seeing other families enjoying time and life together is so painful. Compare and despair as it goes.

If there is anyone who might be in a similar situation, I would welcome your thoughts.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2020, 10:38:10 AM »

Welcoming you Alise Noy Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

My story is not your story but the common denominator so many of us here share is being rejected by our children.  "Hurtful" is an under-statement.  I, too, at one point had suicidal thoughts because of the relationship I had with my daughter...well...really a "non-relationship."  I cried all the timed...even would wake in the middle of the night and the tears would instantly appear.

No parent wants to hear their child tell them to stop making contact and I am sorry you have received that request from your daughter.  It is good that she is telling you, though, that "the issues are hers and not placing blame on you."  She is taking responsibility, which is so important, and maybe she needs a period of no-contact to work things through.   Could well be the more you ignore her request for "space"...the more defiant she becomes.  A suggestion would be for you to let her know you love her and will respect the boundary she has set up...then wait.  Easy?  No! 

You mention other family members...husband, mother, other daughter.  Does she have contact with any of them? 

You write that you have seen therapists over the years.   Good move!  Are you seeing one now?   I know that was an important part in my road towards healing...which is and will always be a work-in-progress.

Wishing better days ahead for you, Alise Noy.  I so hope you continue on in this forum...pouring out your heart...your hurts...and then get to feel the support that comes from others as you move forward to those better days.

((HUGS)... Virtual hug (click to insert in post)...from another Mom...Huat
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tangy flora

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2020, 11:14:42 AM »

Thank you Huat,

Your words and thoughts are very helpful and mean so much to me.  My husband and I try to remind ourselves of the positives among the hurt.  I haven't seen my T in awhile, after I told her about BPD Central, she thought this was a great idea. Frankly, I think she may have felt frustrated with me after seeing me for so many years, I will be checking in again.  I have some work to do on myself, letting go and not taking hurtful words personally (a herculean effort). Letting go of expectations, seeing and holding a grandchild and having a loving, supportive family is something I really need to let go. Still tears.

She has not spoken with my husband since last Christmas, he was a source of the blow up in our last visit and she faults me for staying with him. He has been a devoted, supportive and caring father all her life, but she does not agree. I feel caught in the middle between them, trying to share with my husband how NOT to make things worse. He has read a bit of "Walking on Eggshells". Another source of stress for me. When I share this with him, he is very understanding and tries to comfort me.

My BPD daughter will contact her sister, although now with the wedding coming up and the BPD and her family will not be coming due to covid and "family issues" she says, I fear she is feeling very left out. I remind myself it is her problem and choice and try to let go.
Her sister told me it took a year of therapy for her to get over the issues caused by her BPD sister (It's taking me decades!) and she is in a very good place.

I try to give her "space" which is something I see often on BPD Central, (others in therapy?) and she has contacted me after a time. The time after the blowups is increasing and I get mixed signals when she does contact me and I'm not sure how to respond. I am trying to resolve to not initiate anymore and make that a new norm.

Thank you sincerely Huat and I wish you happy days ahead.





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Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2020, 03:40:57 PM »

Back at ya, Alise Noy Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Years back I went to a hospice workshop.  Of course, the topic was mainly on how to talk/interact which those who are dying.  Also they talked about grieving...the different stages of grief...and how differently each individual handles it.  Some get stuck...but others force one foot in front of the other until the feet start to move by themselves.

I had dreams of the relationship I wanted with my daughter...not looking and dealing with reality...just focussing on those dreams.  As those dreams died, I grieved...and grieved...and grieved.   I not only darkened my life, I was making life difficult for those others around me, too. 

You write that your therapist might have felt frustrated after seeing you for so many years.   You might just be right.  Did she see you as being stuck?

If you went back and read some of your posts...making believe they were written by someone else...what advice would you give that person?  It is always easier to be on the outside looking in...a different perspective.

It was very difficult for me to start to refuse invites to those Pity-Parties.  I am not saying I am completely weaned off but they are fewer and farther between...my choice to go or not to go.  Although a very important one, your overseas daughter is but one part of your life.  There are so many other parts that can truly bring you enjoyment but you have to look for them.

I so urge you, Alice Noy, to consider going back to therapy...to keep reading...and, hopefully, continue on here.   

Another  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) from Huat



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tangy flora

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2020, 12:01:16 AM »

Hello Huat,

Oh thank you yet again!  My T has said I have been dealing with this relationship for many years and I have done well, BPD behaviors are very difficult to work with.  Letting go of dreams, expectations is where I am now. I know that will help me on a road to recovery. Thank you for offering hope and reminding me that she is only one part of my life and there are many other positive and loving relationships as well. I know that, but need to practice not ruminating and redirect my thoughts and actions in ways that are healthy for me and those around me.

Thank you for being here for me.



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Pomsie

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Living separately
Posts: 20


« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2020, 03:03:57 AM »

When it got like this with my daughter, I took a vacation from her for about a year. I stopped thinking about her. Stopped calling. Stopped asking to get together. Stopped texting and trying to communicate. Not easy but essential. I then started exercising and taking very good care of ME, and turned my focus to the loving people in my life and really nurtured those relationships. What I have experienced with my daughter is that I will probably always have to keep some distance between us. Maybe from now on. Do what is good for you. Learn about splitting. And give yourself a break from it all. Take a class. Learn an instrument. When our kids get sick, and we start to feel them slip away, we panic, and try to hold on tighter. Exactly what they don't want. Let it go for awhile and focus on the things you used to love. The BDP is a very self centered soul. They don't think about us half the time we think about them. Get on with life and enjoy it. ❤️
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tangy flora

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2020, 02:53:55 PM »

Thank you Pomsie,

Such good advice, I am trying. My daughter just contacted me recently and talked for 1/2 hour. It was of course about her pain and what I did not do. I was told that she doesn't blame me and understands I did the best I could, but the conversation did not reflect that. I've been greatly depressed since and am doing my best to go on, trying. She told me she doesn't want me to ever see my granddaughter because of my flaws, that hurts. I told her I read a book "Walking on Eggshells" and partially regretted that. She is very bright and I'm sure she will look that up. She is in therapy and I have an appt tomorrow. Life shouldn't be that hard and hurtful. She's planned to call me once a month to communicate, but after conversations like that, I don't know if I can do it.
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Pomsie

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Living separately
Posts: 20


« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2020, 04:49:36 PM »

I have recently realized a huge mistake that I’ve been making for years with my BPD daughter. Obviously a lot of these children are horrible to their parents and say unkind things, and things that are not true. And I think a lot of us don’t chew them out about their behavior because we recognize that they are ill, and that it might make them more depressed, or angry. Now that my daughter is 34, I realize that 10 years ago I should’ve been pulling her up on her behavior. I think as long as we allow them to paint these false pictures of us, the more that becomes reality in their minds. The last two years I have gotten more and more fed up with her lack of consideration of others, and her anger towards me. Recently, about the last six months, I have gotten to the end of my rope with it all, and have started to talk to her about what I will, and will not accept from her. I do not yell at her, I just tell her calmly that I’ve had enough.

She was getting more and more narcissistic and did not think about how her behavior was affecting others at all. In our situation that would be myself and my mother who have been wonderful, kind, and loving to her her whole life. Her attitude and treatment of both of us is unconscionable, and I have had it with it. She is 34 and basically acting like she’s about 13. All the while insisting that she is an adult and independent. She is neither.

So I have began to start telling her that her behavior basically sucks, and that what she is doing is cruel and unkind, and that I for one, will not tolerate it any longer. I don’t know if anybody else has this happen, but if I say anything at all to my daughter that she doesn’t like, she glares at me like she wants to kill me. I told her I don’t ever want to see her looking at me like that ever again. Ever. And she knew I meant it. And I started getting on her about visiting her grandmother which she never does. She doesn’t visit me either, but right now I am not really in the mood to spend time with her.

When people say they’ve read walking on eggshells, and they’re not doing what they should do with their child, or their adult child, and calling them on their crappy behavior, then we’re still walking on eggshells. We’re still allowing them to do something that is not acceptable. Borderline or not I do not think that allowing them to behave this way is good for their mental health. You don’t have to tell them that they have to change their behavior, but you can tell them what you will and will not accept from them, and then you must stick to that. I told her regardless of how she thinks about me or how she feels about me, she is not to be disrespectful to me anymore. I have been so good to her and she has nothing to call me on. And I have just had it.

Personally I am going to try to geographically distance myself as much as possible from my daughter because when I live near her it is upsetting and stressful for me. And I am retired and I’m looking forward to traveling when Covid goes away, whenever that is. She has been so horrible the last three years, and I am almost 63. I just can’t take it any longer.

I hope this helps a bit, and I hope you can get your daughter to treat you with more respect regardless of how she’s feeling. I think it’s an important lesson to teach our children no matter what age they are.

Poms
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