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Author Topic: How do you explain the stalking?  (Read 580 times)
grumpydonut
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
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« on: July 08, 2020, 10:41:14 PM »

So, as said, my ex left me under the guise of "trying to get better" and because "I can't be in a relationship right now and don't know how long I need" only to be in a new relationship - with the guy she cheated on me with 9 months prior - not long afterwards.

However, since that point in March, she has blocked me on FB, tried to add me via a fake account and now watches my FB stories daily. I know this for certain now due to trial and error. I consistently have "1 other viewer" on my FB story, but when I blocked her known accounts, I didn't get that viewer. Since I have again unblocked known accounts, the 1 viewer has returned.

My question is, why is she stalking me when she's the one who left me for another man?
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2020, 03:00:13 PM »

Hi grumpydonut,

As you probably already know that a pwBPD have an innate fear of being alone- they try to avoid abandonment so much that they’ll abandon you before you abandon them and in turn they end up self sabotage the r/s.

When I say this that doesn’t mean that the fault of the failure of a r/s squarely lies with the other person. A r/s is like a tennis match it is hundreds of thousands of transactions that go bank and for the - to use Skip’s words.

So if it is fact her she’s probably wanting to see if you’re moving on because a pwBPD will create exit strategies while they are in a r/s. So, from the sounds of it either she doesn’t feel like there’s stability in the r/s now or there’s conflict and she’s trying to create exits in case the r/s collapses.

What you do with this information is up to you. Personally if it’s only been a few months and she’s already trying to create exit strategies and she’s going to at some point try to test you to see how you react after she left I’d want to think about if I want to put myself through all of that again or if I want to build up my self worth and self esteem and save myself for someone else that will respect me.
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Goosey
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« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2020, 07:24:52 PM »

Hey mutt.
Good advice. I struggle with the demise of decades of marriage every minute of the day.  But do want to be “back” in the throes of chaos- no I don’t. It just hurts to think about how hard I tried to show her I loved her and would do anything for her and now after years of real crazy stuff she is gone.. poof. I am in divorce proceedings and she has not come to the plate to make statements of financial issues.  She just sent dark and I know she is in new relationship. I guess as long as I shell out money to lawyers one day I will be divorced.  But I never wanted to be divorced. I loved this women. I just finally snapped and filed because it was just totally insane what went on.  Like even though I read all these posts ... oh I digress. She has moved on and I will take your words and wrap my head around it. 
  I have gone from anxiety of the what if to pure anger( mind you I do this silently and alone with two dogs watching me cry)  how I have been treated.. while I get reports she is partying in Vegas with someone!  And I not jealous I am angry that a human being can trash someone  so thoroughly and show no remorse.
Terminator.
  My shrink told me I shouldn’t be “jealous” how she could move so fast. That I am worried about the collage payment. The mortgage. Work.  Pandemic. Etc. 
 Tired of crying when I see happy people.
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2020, 08:24:23 PM »

Excerpt
I struggle with the demise of decades of marriage every minute of the day.  But do want to be “back” in the throes of chaos- no I don’t.

Excerpt
I just finally snapped and filed because it was just totally insane what went on.

Deep down you knew that the current course is not sustainable and as hard as it was and as painful as it is, intuitively you know what’s best for you. Sure you could go back and I know that you said that you’re not but you’ll read posts from members that have gone back and they’ll tell you not to go back because it’s more painful. The idealization is more intense because the pwBPD wants to keep you up but the payoff is that the devaluation is worse because those initial feelings are worse than the your first recycle or the last. The hurt feelings are compounded and your pwBPD reacts to it accordingly.

May as well make it easier on yourself by going through the intensity of the pain that this person caused you once. This is really painful stuff and on top of that - how you were treated and the members on this board were treated - don’t you owe it to yourself to be compassionate towards yourself and esse your suffering as much as possible by going through the experience once.

I’m not saying that you’re not going to get hurt again but you’re probably not going to find yourself in another borderline r/s she it’s different when you’re receiving empathy and understanding and you’re not dealing with the other person insecurities and their acting out on top of your grieving. It hurts but you will recover quicker and everyone here understands how much these r/s’s hurt.

Excerpt
And I not jealous I am angry that a human being can trash someone  so thoroughly and show no remorse.

I think that what the P is telling you is that don’t be jealous of your exes maladaptive coping mechanisms because in the long run it’s not going to be good. She feels grief differently that you do and that’s what makes these r/s’s so painful. You probably want to have her acknowledge wish she did, absolutely you’re going to feel hurt and it’s natural to feel anger because you were betrayed.

Excerpt
I am in divorce proceedings and she has not come to the plate to make statements of financial issues.

The commonality between your situation and grumpydonut’s is that you both have exes that state that they have moved on but are acting like they’re still attached to both of you by looking at what they’re doing.

Excerpt
Tired of crying when I see happy people.

It’s a reminder of your loss. Absolutely seeing happy couples would be tiring to see.
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Goosey
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« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2020, 06:39:11 PM »

Thank you be very much.
Wow.
Sorry for all pain you obviously have from this kind of situation.
Appreciate the feedback.
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Goosey
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« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2020, 06:51:50 PM »

Just keep reading your comments to my post.
All correct. Thanks again. And I hate music now it’s to relent even if it’s not.
Could be the Cars.  Let the good times roll and I think of the (maybe I don’t know) good times. I only now can remember the chaos of every moment.
So thank you. It is unsustainable. Just have to let that thought keep kicking me in the butt till it sinks in. All the other hurt and jealousy is just an added bonus till I get over it. (Sarcasm.)
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2020, 11:55:27 PM »

Thanks Mutt. The stalking seems to have stopped the past few days. And, funnily enough, I feel disappointed by that.

This is hell. I just want the pain of this to all go away. Feel used, abused and utterly worthless.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2020, 09:45:29 AM »

This is hell. I just want the pain of this to all go away. Feel used, abused and utterly worthless.

For me, learning this wasnt the first time I had felt this, was an eye opener. Although consciously I had no recollection, being locked down in a fetal position for most of 3 days had me wondering. Something told me this wasnt all about her. I was correct. It had NOTHING to do with her. She was just the spark, I was the blow torch. I was more than willing to pave that road to Hell. But this time I had a few more tools and the outcome put me closer to peace. That pain comes from within and we choose subconsciously to apply it...We only fear what we dont understand. Understanding me was the game changer. I wish you well, Peace
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grumpydonut
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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2020, 12:14:28 AM »

Hi Findingme, can you go a bit deeper into that?
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2020, 01:32:51 PM »

Hi Findingme, can you go a bit deeper into that?

When you and BPD first met. Your false self (we all have one) was presented to BPD, and she in turn mirrored you, it was your falling in love and her attachment to survive. As the false self started to shatter, because its unsustainable...so did the BPD. Its then a mad dash to find another good person to mirror, because now you are bad, and that would make BPD bad, which is the basis of the illness. A self persecution that gets validation from the breakup. So in a search for self, because its not whole, the process starts all over, doing the same thing looking for a different result. Im certain she triangulated you, just as she has with the new b/f. The only way this could be achieved is for oneself, by oneself and may never yield the results expected...So for you to get involved with this fiasco with no knowledge, one would have to rely on their false self more heavily, than their real self. There in lies the unbalance. A person more balanced would not even be tempted, they would know better. So with this being said, if you just let some time pass and neglect to understand yourself, guess where you will end up next time? A better choice would be to find a balance.

My question is, why is she stalking me when she's the one who left me for another man?

Because this is what the illness does. It could never have enough hosts. Nothing to mirror is annihilation/death. Keeping tabs to see how available you are. BPD knows its not if, its when.

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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2020, 01:42:24 AM »

I think there's a couple of reasons why they stalk. They have fantasies about their previous partners, and long to be with them sometimes, when they are idealizing them, and probably devaluing their current partner. And they like to have a backup plan in case things get too bad.

And then also, they stalk because they want you to see how you are doing. If you are doing well, and their relationship isn't going well, then they are forced to deal with them potentially being the problem. If you are doing poorly, then they can blame you for the problems in the relationship, in order to deflect blame and not deal with the illness. I think they hope we are doing poorly honestly.
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