Trapped by myself, Need to exit a toxic relationship where I am Abused Daily

[HemePlease]

 
47 YO Male unmarried but domestic parter with a female No children.
So I am in a long (15 year) loveless sexless relationship where I am verbally emotionally abused all day every day. I deal with Gaslighting, narcissism, isolation, infidelity, Hypocrisy, the full gambit. In reality there is nothing positive about my relationship at all.  I have been stripped of my sense of self its been so long since I have known 'happy' let alone joy.  I don't even know what happy is like anymore.  I have pushed my emotions down so deep I live in a world of Grey.. where my idea of a good day is not getting abused but on those days I am also waiting for the inevitable hammer to come. 

I have tried to end it before.. go charmed back in, and its only gotten worse over the years.
I need help and a strategy to end it and start my life over. I need a how to .. and recipe to getting out..   I need the help of anyone who's been here before and can coach me through the disaster, retribution, sabotage, reputation damage, professional damage I suspect she will stop at nothing to destroy me..

[BDR]

The answer is beyond my scope of expertise but the best way to start is with a simple question ,one that Jesus asked a crippled man at a well who spent 38 years waiting for a miracle . What is it that you truly desire ? It almost seems cruel but he was a master at going right to the heart of a man, Spend some time outdoors in a quiet place and Journal and start with that one question.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Helpme,
I read your story, and I see that this would have been me 12 years from now if I hadn't gotten out.  My ex left me for another guy, one more pliable and easier to manipulate than I, but she keeps trying to stay in contact with me.  I know that if I encourage that contact, I'll be her third in a triangle, and she loves triangles.  There was never just the two of us, there was always a third party.  I guess what I'm saying is that I could get her back if I played the game right, but I have determined to get out.  And maybe I can support you in your effort to get out.

I'll tell you what you already know, you need to get out.  What you described isn't a life.  It's like the description on the cover page of this site, you're falling into a black hole of mental illness and dysfunction.  You've already lost all of the happiness in your life.

Here's the thing, and I'm going through it myself right now, it's hard to break an old pattern.  Sometimes what's familiar seems so much better than what might be out there.  Can I ask you if there are signs of the Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance?  My therapist brought these to my attention, and you can look them up.  They're ways that abusive people keep us under control.  I must add here that I don't think a pwBPD means to be abusive.  They just can't control their own fears and impulses. 

It's good to have a support group, but I think what you're experiencing needs the expertise of a professional therapist.  I would encourage you to seek help.  Maybe call an abuse shelter in your area and see if someone can talk to you.  It's most important that you stay safe. 

Let me know how you're doing.  I'll check back in.

[Goosey]

Good advice from blue spring. 
. I struggled with the “what ifs” about reaching out and paying a price.”what if’s are sometimes warranted. I was told to make a plan for them to reduce my anxiety, this from my therapist. I never imagined I would have a therapist. Grown man crying to a therapist. And I love him for being there. Good luck my friend.

[Mutt]

Hey HMP,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s soul crushing when every day feels like you’ve lost your sense self and it’s a dull grey with no end in sight. You have found the right place. You’re not alone.

Do you have experience with marriage counseling? You work from the top to the bottom not from the bottom up. I’ll give you some articles that will give you ideas so that you can think about it. Are you working with a T now? ( Therapist ) That sounds complicated and we’re not professionals we’re a support group which is great on its own if you can’t afford therapy but the best strategy to help you is to talk to a T and a support concurrently.

I deal with Gaslighting, narcissism, isolation,infidelity, Hypocrisy, the full gambit.

I highlighted isolation because you mentioned feeling like you have lost your sense of self. You have a support group in your pocket that you can access on your mobile device 24/7/365 there’s always someone here if you want to start a discussion start one and joining other members discussions and seeing similar patterns in your own story is therapeutic and also knowing that you’re not the only person out there going through such and experience helps too.

What’s your support network like in real life?

D.V. Men

Facing the Facts Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder PDF

[Football2000]

Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds really tough.

Let me say that I get it. A lot of people just think, why doesn't this guy just leave? That's what I think of myself at least. I have been taunted with endless disrespect and meanness as well, and it's actually really hard to stand up for yourself.

I never thought of myself as a guy who couldn't stand up for himself. In fact, I usually can. But my partner is like a steamroller. I just get crushed. As much as I suffered from our relationship, I still enjoyed aspects of it and I don't want to be alone.

So, by posting here you are taking the first step in acknowledging that you need to leave, and that is already an accomplishment.

Hang in there.