Diagnosis Question

[Oceanfish]

My 35 year old daughter estranged herself from me, kind of out of the blue. We had been close, (ish) but after she experienced a long string of traumatic events, she suddenly stopped communicating. After some prodding, she finally told me that she had been hospitalzed and was in therapy and her therapist believes that I have BPD. She accused me of gaslighting and doing terrible things but denying them. I actually went to a therapist to see if I met the criteria for BPD. I've been professionally successful, continue to have close friends from childhood, and do not have a history of the behaviors associated with BPD. She, on the otherhand, has never had a long term relationship, is an aloholic, (which is what led to her hospitalization), has demonstrated impulsivity that resulted in her squandering a large inheritence, has cut herself, made suicidal threats and is prone to mood swings. I had told her I was exhausted by "walking on eggshells" around her. Is it possible she got the diagnosis herself but pinned it on me? Any insight? Is that typical of BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcoming you Oceanfish!

I am another Mom who has lived through many years of accusations from my daughter that have left me wondering if I was in the same room when things happened...so much so that there are times when I have questioned myself. 

In my experience in all the trials and tribulations with this troubled daughter of mine, I would say that, yes, your daughter could well be pinning her possible diagnosis on you.

My daughter is now 54 and ours has been a love-hate relationship since she was a young teen.  I have been her heroine one minute...her nemesis the next.  Currently we are in yet another period of being estranged from her...this episode now into its 4th year...her reasonings hard to nail down.  Even this pandemic has not brought on any need from her to reconcile.

I smiled when I read that you went to see a therapist to see if YOU met the criteria for BPD.   Good for you!  So, in those visits with your therapist, what was determined?  Have you continued on in therapy?  The only way you can help your daughter is to make sure you keep looking after you.

Hope you keep sharing, Oceanfish.  If you have spent any time reading over the posts of others, I am sure you have found you are not alone.  We get strength from each other here as we walk on those eggshells.

Huat
 

[Football2000]

Obviously it's hard to say whether you or her exhibit signs of BPD but to answer your question directly,  is common for BPD patients to accuse others of what they themselves have. Her self-harm and relationship instability are two things that are present in BPD (and other disorders as well).

Keep in mind also that there are multiple ways of looking at psychiatric disorders and the factor model of the DSM is just one. However, when it comes down to brass tacks, strong affective instability and reactions towards specific stimuli triggers is something that is present in most people who are thought of as BPD.

On a practical level, your daughter is obviously angry at you for something. What she's actually saying may be quite different than the root cause. Unfortunately, it might be quite hard to figure out what that is, especially in her current state. However, you can take this opportunity to do some self-discovery yourself and figure out methods (such as those on this website) that may be used to more effectively communicate with someone that may have borderline -- after all, lots of this techniques about emotional validation are helpful for all interpersonal communication.

[Oceanfish]

Because it's been so long since I last posted, I'm going to give a brief overview of what I'm dealing with. My adult daughter has likely been diagnosed as having BPD. She has accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't done. These behaviors began after a long series of traumatic events in her life and the accusations seemed to come out of the blue. She has disclosed a diagnosis of major anxiety disorder and demonstrates a significant alcohol abuse disorder. I have checked with close friends and family members to see if I am prone to irrational behaviors and forgetting what I've done. I've been assured that I do not. I am a retired professional and have had no issues of this nature in the workplace. I've seen two therapists to see if there could be an underlying issue that I haven't been aware of.
I am grateful for the responses I've received from the Oz community. Thank you. I have been working with a therapist who has a deep understanding of BPD. After weekly visits and journaling, she feels certain that I don't have a personality disorder or a mental illness. She also recommended a book, "Rough Diamonds", which has given me some good insight. Intellectually, I'm starting to have a handle on BPD. On an emotional level, however, I continue to be baffled at what the brain is capable of doing. What I've learned is that my mother very likely would have received the diagnosis and there seems to be a genetic link to it. I had told a friend that I felt I was sandwiched between two extremely difficult significant relationships.
My daughter estranged herself from me five years ago, citing a need to protect herself from my abusive behavior. She told me that I deny having been abusive. I clearly can't have a conversation with her and deny being abusive, although I can honestly say I have not been and have checked with family members to get their perception.
Does anyone know if a combination of BPD and severe alcohol abuse disorder will create false memories? I know there is some delusional thinking associated with it. She truly believes I have said and done things that truly did not happen.

[endofmyropemom]

Hi Oceanfish.  I have a similar experience with my 27 year old son.  He is on the extreme end of the BPD spectrum and sadly, has been abusing alcohol and drugs for years.  He recently started with these bizarre accusations towards me and his latest is that I am "BPD".  I notice he says this when he is in a rage and I am calmly, but firmly laying down boundaries with him.

My son is extremely bright and is very knowledgeable of all things psychiatric, being that he's been in and out of hospitals his entire adult life.  He loves to tell me how his therapist thinks I am the one with BPD, even though we have never met.  I really don't put much importance to it since my own therapist does not think I suffer BPD at all.  My therapist is pretty open about the fact that she herself does not treat BPD because it's not something she feels comfortable treating.  So yes, I admit to have had the fear of possibly having it in myself since I do think it's all throughout my family.  I think if I ever had the traits, it was when I was young and quite sensitive.  I had a lot of trauma in my young life and parents that had no idea how to teach their children to be adaptive and self sufficient.  My parents most likely suffered themselves, given what I think I may know about them now.  In my case, age and therapy for depression and trauma has really helped me become more confident and strong.  I no longer feel my emotions drive me.  But my son is a button pusher and I think he wants me questioning myself. 

Perhaps one mistake I have made with him was sharing too much with him about my vulnerable self.  While I thought it was helping him not feel so alone with his overwhelming emotions, it also may have helped fuel what he can use against me.  I simply am not sure.  Could this be the fuel your daughter is gaining from you?

It sounds like you are doing everything right, asking for honest feedback from people that should be able to give you some clues.  I think your daughter is likely projecting.  It's common with people with mental or emotional disorders. 

I do think it's smart to do all you can to know yourself as best as possible.  Learn all you can about BPD as well.  Maybe the next time your daughter starts accusing you of things, ask her why she believes what she believes and just listen.  I know when I calmly probe my son, he often changes the subject and begins a new rant about something completely different.

As for any substance abuse, I do think it absolutely makes their perception faulty.  I know alcohol abuse has made my son sicker and sicker over these last few years.  I also have a younger sister that seems to be affected this way.  She also has a history of alcoholism and I believe she may suffer from BPD.  We are now estranged because I could no longer take the "out of the blue" angry emails(she lives in another state) and accusations that made little sense.  I have really reached my limit on how much toxicity I will allow around my own well being.

I can only say that we don't have an easy road with our children.  I think it's so important to learn self compassion, a term I never understood until I found a good therapist.  It's real easy to have toxic people make us second guess ourselves all the time.  While I will be open to where I may have made mistakes, I know my intentions were good and I will always strive do better. 

Good luck to you!

[Oceanfish]

Thank you for your responses. It is reassuring to know that others are experiencing similar things...although I'm truly sorry that you're going through it too. Once I got over the shock from her accusations and her therapist's diagnosis of me, I did consider that she was projecting and learned everything I could about BPD. I am still learning. She's in a relationship right now. He has moved in with her and this is the first time she's lived with a romantic interest. My son keeps me posted on her progress. She had been seeing a therapist, which is great news. If she did get a diagnosis, I believe she functions well enough to go to someone who has a good understanding of BPD.  We live in opposite ends of the country. I won't ever tolerate her abusive behavior toward me, so the physical distance is fine right now. Best of luck to you. I look forward to reading about your journey.