Divorce - I think no contact might make it worse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband has agreed to a divorce and says he also doesn't want drama and will do mediation.  We actually started the process a few years ago and pulled back, but he was cooperative then.  The divorce was a lot simpler then though in terms of assets - the past few years his spending has gone out of control.  Also, he was actively engaged in an affair then.  I anticipate potential pushback from him not seeing what is actually, legally, fair to me as being unfair.  He believes his spending is totally justified has always gotten ridiculously defensive,  blameshifting, deflecting, gaslighting, etc. when I would try to address the spending, or anything.  

The other thing, is while he has now agreed to the divorce after a few months of my standing by that decision, he is very much back to idealization of me and wrapped up in his own shame.  He has had multiple affairs and been very emotionally abusive, even some of his good friends, who I never would have expected this from, have told him he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.  This weekend though he still asked what he could do and continues to believe he has been the victim of various things/people (often me) to explain away everything, no accountability at all.  

He's also expressing hopelessness and just very downtrodden.  Honestly at this point I'm getting to a place of peace and acceptance, I know I can't change him and accept I can't change the past, I just want to move on.  I also feel sorry for him, doesn't mean I excuse his BS or pain I felt bc of his actions, but I do think he has uBPD so I have some sympathy for him bc of that.  I also know I've been trauma bonded and/or codependent in this relationship.  

I do feel like no contact will likely make him less willing to work with me semi-reasonably in the divorce.  He can be vengeful, and I think my giving him an indication I do not care about him will bring that out.   Really my top priority at this point is filing papers and selling the house, so I think it's in my best interest to remain friendly at least in the short term to execute those goals peacefully.  After that happens, I have no desire for a romantic relationship with him, but part of me wonders if there aren't elements of the friendship that could be salvaged, or if that is unrealistic or just my codependence talking or if its unhealthy to even wonder if that's possible.  I hear so much in the no contact arena, but for me, especially in the short term, I just think that will make this process worse.

[Ccswim]

My husband has agreed to a divorce and says he also doesn't want drama and will do mediation.  We actually started the process a few years ago and pulled back, but he was cooperative then.  The divorce was a lot simpler then though in terms of assets - the past few years his spending has gone out of control.  Also, he was actively engaged in an affair then.  I anticipate potential pushback from him not seeing what is actually, legally, fair to me as being unfair.  He believes his spending is totally justified has always gotten ridiculously defensive,  blameshifting, deflecting, gaslighting, etc. when I would try to address the spending, or anything.  

The other thing, is while he has now agreed to the divorce after a few months of my standing by that decision, he is very much back to idealization of me and wrapped up in his own shame.  He has had multiple affairs and been very emotionally abusive, even some of his good friends, who I never would have expected this from, have told him he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.  This weekend though he still asked what he could do and continues to believe he has been the victim of various things/people (often me) to explain away everything, no accountability at all.  

He's also expressing hopelessness and just very downtrodden.  Honestly at this point I'm getting to a place of peace and acceptance, I know I can't change him and accept I can't change the past, I just want to move on.  I also feel sorry for him, doesn't mean I excuse his BS or pain I felt bc of his actions, but I do think he has uBPD so I have some sympathy for him bc of that.  I also know I've been trauma bonded and/or codependent in this relationship.  

I do feel like no contact will likely make him less willing to work with me semi-reasonably in the divorce.  He can be vengeful, and I think my giving him an indication I do not care about him will bring that out.   Really my top priority at this point is filing papers and selling the house, so I think it's in my best interest to remain friendly at least in the short term to execute those goals peacefully.  After that happens, I have no desire for a romantic relationship with him, but part of me wonders if there aren't elements of the friendship that could be salvaged, or if that is unrealistic or just my codependence talking or if its unhealthy to even wonder if that's possible.  I hear so much in the no contact arena, but for me, especially in the short term, I just think that will make this process worse.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cc, Your boundaries are your business, so do what works best for you.  NC is a strategy, not a hard and fast rule.  For many of us with kids, LC is necessary.  It all depends on one's situation.  If I could make a suggestion, it would be to put yourself and your needs first.  You're not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  Those w/BPD will generally put all the blame on the Non, so be prepared.  You should also be ready for an influx of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD attempts to manipulate a Non.  Forewarned is forearmed!

LuckyJim

[Goosey]

Tough spot. I feel I am in the same position. I have served papers. Wife actually just signed them this time. Last year I served papers and she went ballistic and I backed off. Years of very high drama, and I do not have physical contact with her because I fear her. I have been attacked with no provocation that I can think of. I have been very good about only using email to communicate and I keep it simple direct and polite. 
   But then there is today! My healthcare is on a cobra basis. I put my share for daughter and I in our joint account. Wife takes funds and pays premium. I agree to pay for a couple of her small monthly direct withdrawal bills to compensate her for her efforts. Three months into this arrangement. Ha. She took out June funds I provided in one withdrawal but I didn’t get a confirmation of payment. My bad I should have known better.
So now July. I transferred required funds and alerted her that she could make transaction.  She said she would last week. Nothing. I politely just sent the word “cobra” on Saturday.  Got nothing. So today I just check the joint account. She spent the money on hotel rooms and atm withdrawals.  I am amazed I didn’t blow her up with emails. I called the company handling the payments. She hasn’t paid it since May. Not  much I can do she is “controller “ of account. So I got robbed. So now my child and I have no insurance and are out thousands.
   It’s like my shrink told me.  Always assume she is lying. If it’s raining and she says “it’s raining” assume she is lying. Well that’s a fact.  So I play nice. I try to brush off the abusive verbal attacks and deceit in the name of trying to finalize this divorce somewhat not destroyed.  But in reality I will be destroyed. The only thing I won’t be is in jail for losing it. So just another day and I think being calm is the only choice even when you are getting screwed.  You can’t win at their game. They are terminators. I am dreaming of a day divorced.  Then look out if she attacks me.

[Mutt]

Hi Ccswim,

I agree with LuckyJim.

Really my top priority at this point is filing papers and selling the house, so I think it's in my best interest to remain friendly at least in the short term to execute those goals peacefully.  After that happens, I have no desire for a romantic relationship with him, but part of me wonders

It will take years until you can both be at the same bbq for and be ok with that. Things will be emotional the first year but gradually as years go by and you process things you might find yourself on more amicable terms. Be where you are today and don’t overthink about the future.