Entering divorce with BPD wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

New to this site, but not new to BPD. I have been married to a BPD wife five years now and I've studied extensively borderline personality disorder. I have tried to help her as much as I can but she is in complete denial of the disorder even after being diagnosed with it by a mental health hospital. She has left me and taken my 4 and a half year old daughter all the way to Australia where she's from and says she wants a permanent separation. I want to reconcile but it's just so hard so I have filed for divorce because she has been completely deceitful and lied to me and taken my daughter from me. She will be served there in Australia this week, very concerned about how she reacts to that. Any advice helpful, I know we are about to embark on a major roller coaster ride through this divorce especially concerning custody of my little girl and the distance between us.

[Scooby Doo]

New to this site, but not new to BPD. I have been married to a BPD wife five years now and I've studied extensively borderline personality disorder. I have tried to help her as much as I can but she is in complete denial of the disorder even after being diagnosed with it by a mental health hospital. She has left me and taken my 4 and a half year old daughter all the way to Australia where she's from and says she wants a permanent separation. I want to reconcile but it's just so hard so I have filed for divorce because she has been completely deceitful and lied to me and taken my daughter from me. She will be served there in Australia this week, very concerned about how she reacts to that. Any advice helpful, I know we are about to embark on a major roller coaster ride through this divorce especially concerning custody of my little girl and the distance between us.

[FindingMe2011]

Sorry to hear this Scooby and welcome. It sounds as if you have a lawyer, do you?
Where do you live?

She will be served in Australia this week, very concerned about how she reacts to that.

What exactly are you serving her for? Divorce, child custody? ...Rest assure the reaction will be just as you know it to be.

I want to reconcile but it's just so hard so I have filed for divorce because she has been completely deceitful and lied to me and taken my daughter from me.

Wanting to reconcile seems to be no where in the immediate future. So for now eating properly, getting sleep, and exercising would be a good start.

Any advice helpful, I know we are about to embark on a major roller coaster ride through this divorce especially concerning custody of my little girl and the distance between us.

And a roller coaster ride it will be... Do you have a support group? Are you seeing a T ?...I wish you well, Peace

[Scooby Doo]

I do have an attorney and I live in Maine. I had to serve her for divorce because if she's out of the country more than 6 months she can get a leg up on me for custody for our daughter. I did not want to file for divorce, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I do eat properly and I'm trying to get enough rest but it is so difficult when I now have to do everything and work 50 hours a week. it was different when I was single and only live in an apartment but now that we have a house to keep up and a puppy it's just overwhelming I'm exhausted all the time and I know most of that exhaustion is emotional, depression. I do have a support group family friends and a church family and I have been seeing a counselor for almost 2 years now as well.

[FindingMe2011]

I had to serve her for divorce because if she's out of the country more than 6 months she can get a leg up on me for custody for our daughter. I did not want to file for divorce, it was the hardest thing I have ever done

Well good for you and way to push through the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) many dont. it was a choice she made, that had consequences.  I have 2 daughters with uBPDex and she also tried to exile me from them. So i really can relate.

I do have a support group family friends and a church family and I have been seeing a counselor for almost 2 years now as well.

Thats great you have support. Validation from them will be immense.
Im not so sure how effective a counselor can be. Does he understand the illness? have you looked into how you ended up in this relationship? Peace

[Scooby Doo]

My counselor is great he's very experienced in mental health disorders at first he didn't believe that she had BPD but through recent events and from what I've been telling him about her he is leaning towards that BPD diagnosis as well. Yes I knew about her mental health before we even met in fact that's pretty much how we started our relationship she was a basket case coming off all kinds of drugs for depression after having half of her thyroid removed. They misdiagnosed her and put her on all kinds of crap and really messed her up there in Australia. We were emailing and Skyping and I helped her through some pretty dark times encouraging her when she was suicidal. After a few months of corresponding long-distance like that she decided to take a trip here to America and within two months we were married. In hindsight I should have known better but I knew what I was in for because I had just left a relationship with another woman who I believe was BPD as well but her father would not allow me to marry her so I had to leave that place. He of course was right it would not have worked out between her and I because she was much more BPD than the woman that I married. I would have never had the patience for her. my current wife is a wonderful person most of the time and she's really good at covering up and being an academy award winning actress around others but behind closed doors it was a different story. most people don't believe me because she was such a good actress and so happy all the time on the outside. We had a beautiful baby girl just one year after marriage and she's now four and a half years old. I did something horribly wrong about a year-and-a-half ago and really upset my wife to the point of a nervous breakdown in hospitalization. She left and took my little girl back to Australia and stayed there for three months but then called me out of the blue and said that she forgave me and came back and live with me a little over a year before leaving again. I decided this time I can't keep going through this push pull and I'm going to give her a serious push back and I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago any day now she will be served in Australia and we will see how she responds...

[FindingMe2011]

I decided this time I can't keep going through this push pull and I'm going to give her a serious push back and I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago any day now she will be served in Australia and we will see how she responds...

I have feeling the response will be filled with fear. I would also like to recommend a book called "divorce poison"...I strongly suggest you try to make communications with your child, in any shape or form, if possible. I was the one served back in the day and when I lawyered up, all hell broke loose. The crazy got crazier for all. You should learn how to communicate with the illness and as little as possible. The urge will be to engage, dont take the bait. I wish you well, Peace

[Scooby Doo]

I do have contact with my daughter every Sunday night we Skype and I even talked with my wife at that time we just don't talk about any relationship issues in front of my little girl. I agree that once she get served the less I say the better. I completely understand that she probably will get crazier from this point on and that is what I'm concerned about. she is telling all of her friends that we are separated and we will be divorcing later which is not what I said I told her that a permanent separation is divorce and we're getting divorced now. and of course she is telling all of her friends that it was a very verbally abusive relationship and toxic and that she had to leave which is exactly what a borderline will say. I just wish she could understand the way that she is and that it's not just a one-way street with me being the monster and her being the princess all the time. She can never be wrong and I'm always the cause of every problem in the relationship. I've studied the disease for a long time and tried to walk on eggshells as long as I could but I can't anymore. At first I was upset and wanted her to come home and try to reconcile again but now I believe that she has made the right choice and we should go our separate ways because she's never going to admit that she has borderline personality disorder I didn't tell she does and gets help I will always be a monster to her. My biggest fear as I as I push her away is that she's going to be crying and wanting to come back and it's going to be the hardest thing in my life just say no we're done. And of course my beautiful little girl is going to be the one that gets hurt the most from this because we're 13,000 miles away from each other it's not like we're in the next town or even the next state we're halfway across the world apart...

[Scooby Doo]

My wife has been good to keep a relationship issues away from my daughter she protects her in that way but I am concerned about the future when we get divorced what she'll tell her and what her mom and her family will tell her about me later on down the road. So I just ordered that book divorce poison to help me when I reach that bridge...