Struggling

[Shakthi]

I am struggling. I have a TOR against my husband who is a uBPD and alcoholic. My therapist many years ago told me about this. I have dropped therapy, deepened my codependency and going crazy. When I took the decision to walk away with the kids 20 days ago, I was strong and had a clear vision. The last week has been terrible. The more I read and learn about all the mistakes I have made the more I want both of us to give this another chance. I know I can only control how I feel and what I want. I want so badly to run back to him, to live each other (yes, I know thats not what the real defenition of love is). I want this so badly and cannot think of anything else. I miss him and cannot move forward. I am able to care for the kids mostly and do a little at work but the last couple of days have been bad. I am talking to friends and family and they are helping but I don’t sleep well and have dreams of us and I was hoping my dream was so real. I am struggling, not sure what the best step forward is.

I will tak to my lawyer today and I know he will ask me to keep quiet and wait. I find this waiting so hard. Why are we like this? Can I ever find the strength to do whats right for me? I want him to love me and validate me (I had said in a previous thread that I wonder if I am the BPD). Reading codependent no more shows me that I am codependent and I am lost.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hi Shakthi,

It's totally normal to be drawn to wanting things to work out.  At the slightest hint of improvement, we can start to wonder if it all might work out.

A helpful strategy can be to broaden your base of support.  Start getting validation from others.  This won't necessarily stop the yearning for validation from that one person, but can help make it bearable, and give us the support we need to make good choices.

Do you have supporters in your life who can give you validation?  Are there opportunities to increase your sources of support?

RC

[Shakthi]

I have opened up about the issues in my life and my current situation to many friends and family recently. I am definitely getting more validation and mental support that i am not doing this alone (although physically I am mostly alone). My therapist reminded me yesterday that I am not giving credit to myself for all the right things I have done so far, so I am going to make a list of this and keep it where I can look at when the fear takes over.

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you're still seeing your therapist.  That's a great idea to make a list of things you've done right!  Another fantastic source of support those with family or partners who are alcoholics is Al-anon.  Have you tried any meetings?  It's really quite something to be welcomed into a warm room of people who've had some of the same experiences.  

RC

[Shakthi]

Hi Radcliff, I looked up Alanon meetings. I'll join one soon, I have not taken the leap yet. I am working on two therapist sessions and a spiritual meditation session per week other than work and managing the kids and two dogs and the house. what I am doing is helping, but I will need more support so will sign up.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you have your hands full!  When I first separated from my ex wife, I was such a basket case that my therapist told me I needed to find a source of support for each day.  Al-anon came in handy, because there were meetings every day and they were free.  I sometimes went to a couple a week.

How have things been going in the last few days?

RC