Feeling grounded most of the time while dealing with years of abuse by family

[zachira]

As many of you know, I have been trying to figure out how not to get so overwhelmed by all the long term challenges I am facing with my abusive siblings, one with BPD and the other with NPD. I finally told myself I would really lose everything if I ever lower myself to acting like my siblings. All I have left is my integrity and being able to feel proud of never lowering myself to the level of my siblings. I am now due to lose the family cottage and my connections to most of my family members. These are just additional loses to grieve. I got up a few days ago, and told myself my job in life is to get up every day and be the best person I can be. This seems to be working, and reducing my anxiety about all the challenges I have ahead of me with my siblings. I also have realized I will never have the willpower my two siblings have to continue to create drama and seek revenge. Every day I am reviewing the good things I did that day, that show I am indeed a worthy person in my own right. Yesterday, I gave some help to a single mother (who was at one time homeless living in her car) in starting her own on-line business with the face masks she is making, that are very competitive with what is being sold on-line. I am getting up most days, working for part of the day on what I have to do to eventually go NC with my siblings, while keeping myself grounded and calmly self confident. The rest of the day, I dedicate to the things that bring joy to me and other people.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Zachira,

I am so proud of you! You've come so far during your time here. I love to see the growth, as hard and difficult as it has been. Living one loss after another is gruesome and such a grievous thing, yet you are using the wonderful tool called "choices," and you're choosing to stay healthy as best you can.

I think that deserves a celebration  and a hug  (socially distant of course 

Wools

[Goldcrest]

Well done Zachira, you are absolutely doing the right thing. The one person that can look after you, protect you from further pain and build you a secure future is YOU.

[zachira]

Goldcrest,
Thank you for your kind reply.
I read many of your posts. You are asking really great questions about having disordered family members, some of which I had never thought about before.

[kiwigal]

I haven't posted on your threads yet although I have read them through; often with my heart feeling so hurt for you.
I just want to acknowledge the significance of the loss you are experiencing with the cottage; the representation of dreams, hopes, values etc. Yet your strength within this is so evident.
Your dignity really shines here and your courage to write a new story of your life while holding a tender space for dysfunctional patterns and lost dreams. I hope you keep coming back and sharing the up's and down's of your healing with us.

[zachira]

Wools,
You were one of the first people to reply to my initial posts beginning Nov 2017 when my siblings kicked me out of my mother's house for Christmas for no apparent reason. Several years before, I had a similar experience with my siblings when my youngest brother was dying of cancer. I went shopping with my sister to buy clothes for my emaciated brother; my sister and I bought the clothes together and a couple pairs of pants were too small. My other brother accused me of trying to put my brother with cancer on a diet so he would fit into the smaller pants, a completely aburd accusation. Shortly after that, my siblings requested I not come to visit my brother anymore. I think now that they wanted my brother to leave everything to them. I think part of the reason they severely restricted my acces to my mother in the final years of her life, despite her crying how she wanted me to come see her particularly at Christmas, is they were manipulating mom to change her will. After my mother died last year, my siblings refused to let me go to the house to see mom's things, as written in the will. Both lawyers did everything they could to get my siblings and me to all come to the house at one time, and fairly divide up mom's things. I am now at a place in that I truly understand who my siblings are, and have no hope for ever being able to have anything with them that ressembles a healthy relationship. Acceptance and action are the way to go. I believe that my siblings associate being valued with control, power, money, and material possessions.
My journey reminds me of yours in so many ways. You were so distressed about your husband's buying property with a crook. It took time for you to accept that this is who he is, and to figure out what to do. I admire your courageous journey and how you have helped so many on this site. I hope you will eventually buy a house, and there will be little that your ex does that really bothers you all that much.
I have waited awhile to reply to your post, to see if I could keep up my routine of getting up every day with the goal of being the best person I can be for that day. I did not know if I would stick to the goal, and I am. I am slowly plodding along doing what I have to do to hopefully get mom's estate settled, all the joint properties sold, and to go permanent no contact with my siblings. One of my biggest challenges is to hold my siblings' feet to the fire, to not give them what they want until they give me what I absolutely have to have. For example, my sister wants to sell the cottage. I will not allow that to happen until the estate is settled, and I get my things out of mom's house which my brother now owns. My brother badly wants some books I have of his. I will not send him the books until the estate is settled and I have all my things from his house. I am not this kind of person with most people, yet I know I have to be manipulative and have strong boundaries with my siblings. My siblings will not do anything I want, unless there is something that they desperately want for themselves. Making endless concessions and being a doormat has only led to escalating abuse. I am learning and proud of how I am handling myself now, for the most part. I do have my bouts of anger though they are less intense and do not last as long as before.
I send you a hug back. I appreciate more than I can say in words all your support on this long journey.

[GaGrl]

I do not call what you are doing "manipulative." You are holding to strong boundaries, and you are engaging in tried and true negotiating techniques. Good for you!

[JNChell]

zachira, this is great to read. I’m very happy for you. You’re a peaceful person and you stuck to your values even though you had to make a sacrifice to do so. You did the right thing. It would’ve been a never ending battle that would’ve had you in a constant state of being triggered. Self care, my friend. Good job.

I agree with Gagrl, boundaries aren’t being manipulative. Maybe it feels that way because you weren’t allowed to have them while growing up, and your siblings can’t tolerate your boundaries.

You’re evolving and becoming a better version of yourself. Embrace it and keep moving forward with it.

[Methuen]

Hi Zachira,
I am truly sorry for the pain you have endured at the hands of your family for so long. Your decision to take the high road is admirable.  While it’s difficult now to grieve the loss of the cottage and other belongings, I think you will look back on this years from now knowing that what you gained is self respect for your choice to take the high road.  Be proud!  It takes a great person to do what you are doing.

 Also agree with others that you are not being manipulative.  You are being strategic, and simply doing what is necessary under special circumstances. 

[LunaJoy]

Your kindness shines through your writing, I think you have much more ability to be happy than your siblings 

[zachira]

Thanks for pointing out that what I am doing with my siblings is not manipulative. I am used to being straight forward with people and treating them how I would like to be treated. I am accepting I can't do this with my siblings, as they just do everything to take advantage of me. The people who are rewarding to be around are those people I can be myself with, and don't have to hide what is behind what I am doing. I have a new phone number and am not giving my number out to my siblings. They can only reach me by email and snail mail. I realize in person communication is just too toxic, and my siblings feel free to say the worst things in phone calls and when we are physically together. I am keeping all the emails so that I have documentation. I am working on resisting the urge to let my siblings have it and tell them what I think of how they have treated me. I am now not giving in to what they want until I get certain things, otherwise I will never get any of the things I want, like getting the estate settled. Soon I have to find out if my brother fired the last lawyer, and if indeed my brother can just decide to never settle the estate. The one time I talked to him a couple of months ago: He said that maybe he would settle the estate now. Does anybody know if he can just never settle the estate?

[Methuen]

Smart move changing your phone number.  It’s  proactive, and self-protecting.  Good for you.

[delia211]

Hi Zachira,  I am so sorry for what your siblings have put you through.  I agree with others on this thread that it is obvious what a kind person you are and you have certainly deserved better.  The fact that you have managed to maintain your thoughtful character and stand up for yourself says much about you.  Thinking about my struggles with a BPD mom, I really feel for anyone who has had to deal with more than one relative with a personality disorder.  As to whether your brother can just "not settle" the estate, this would likely somewhat depend on the laws of the jurisdiction where you live and the specifics of how your mom left things, but in general, it sounds highly improbable that he would have any legal right to do this.  If he is refusing to give you items which were left to you (and especially if he was appointed in charge of settling the estate), you likely have legal claims against him, though hopefully it won't come to a point where suing him is necessary.  You mentioned lawyers involved earlier-- if you have one, it's a good idea to speak with them to get a better understanding of what your rights are in this situation.  Sending my good wishes for your strength and happiness in the meantime.

[Merv_Griffin]

Dear Zachira,

I'm still new here, but wanted to say I salute your strength and resolve--and the clear goodness in your heart to use your energy to help others right now. I know how powerful the instinct is to "let them have it" when it comes to family members with BPD/NPD. My sister has BPD (as does my mom), and I still fight the instinct to confront her with her BS and hypocrisy. At other times, I have to stop myself from reaching out to her to reminisce about something from our childhood--knowing she would claim it didn't happen or that I remembered it wrong. Both instincts show me how hungry I am to have an honest relationship with her: something she is completely incapable of doing. That is something I'm still grieving so much.

One of the hardest things I've found about having family with these disorders is that we look to our parents/siblings to confirm reality for us. Instead, BPD/NPD people distort reality and make us doubt ourselves and what we know is real/true. If that's not crazy-making, I don't know what is.

Good for you for staying true to yourself and hanging in there in the face of all of these losses. We're rooting for you.

[zachira]

I so much appreciate everyone's kind replies and empathy. Our challenges with our disordered family members are so intense, yet we realize that it will kill the very best of who we are if we behave as badly as our family members. At some level, we know that our disordered family members are very unhappy people deep down inside and are unable to love us, though it is still hard to fully accept these realities. I still get up every day trying to be the best person I can be for the day. I am also working on doing more body work trying to unlock stiff areas of my body that keep me stuck in pain and from fully feeling my joy.
The latest is my sister has hired a lawyer to force me to sign an agreement on how we are going to use the cottage. I have written her a long email telling her I will not sign any agreement, because she is a narcissist, and will never follow any agreement, and I gave many examples of how she uses the cottage as her exclusive property. She has taken every holiday and every special time when the extended family is there since we have owned the cottage together. If I come at any of these times which I rarely do, she harasses me and tells me she does not want me there. This year she demanded to have the month of September knowing full well that would be the only time I would likely be able to come because I have to fly. A couple of years ago, I suggested we sell half the cottage to some cousins. She told me twice the same thing, that the cousins were welcome to buy half the cottage as long as they let her have the time she wanted to be at the cottage, did not come when she was there, and did the work she wanted done. I gave up on the idea of having the cousins share the cottage with us, because it was obvious she planned to treat them as badly as she treats me.
I am still trying to get up the courage to find out if my brother is required to settle the estate, or if he can just hold onto mom's money. I am also still trying to get up the courage to confront my sister again about all the money she has stolen from the bank accounts. I am still not ready to sell the cottage as it is my last connection with the extended family and numerous family friends. Selling the cottage for me, would mean I have now lost every thing that means so much to me since mom died. A new exercise I am doing which is forcing my body to breathe intensely is helping me to get more things done and not be so avoidant in facing the many painful tasks at hand.
You all are wonderful and so understanding. Thank you for letting me know my kindness shines through. I am trying so hard to take the high road. I really don't like myself so much when I am feeling angry, and thinking of how I could take revenge on my siblings. I cried when I realized my sister has NPD. I do love my brother and sister, and know that I cannot have any kind of functional relationship with them. It is so painful to face losing my whole family and so many things that mean so much to me due to terrible infighting and dysfunction. I cry as I write this, yet I know the deep crying helps me to heal, and I feel better afterwards.

[JNChell]

Joe.

[missing NC]

Hi Zachira,

I share the enthusiasm others have expressed that you are holding onto your better self as you move towards healing from dealing with your family. Although we have not communicated in some months, you may recall that we have somewhat similar scenarios. 

Yes, if your brother is the executor, he must do the distribution.  But, as you have seen, he can drag things out. One thing that might be helpful to you to better address that question and to get another perspective on what to do with the cottage is to have three or four complimentary initial sessessions with estate planning attorneys.  Not all, but most attorneys offer a free half-hour initial consutation.  You are not committed to hiring any of them, though you might consider doing so if your sibilings continue on the current path.  One option (that was presented to me during a complimentary consultation) is to ask the court to replace your brother with an independent third party if he continues to play games. It sounds like you are doing a great job documenting issues. 

Wishing you continued equanimity in the present and greater peace of mind in the future as you move forward. :-) 

[zachira]

Missing NC,
Thank you for your wise suggestions about how to get help with settling the estate. I am going to try some of them.
How are you doing? I remember your story, and feel sad for you.

Right now, I am so overwhelmed. Most days, I am doing quite well keeping the focus on being the best person I can be for that day, so I don't start obsessing about having everything wrapped up with my cruel siblings so I can go NC with them. I try to do kind small things for myself and others. I try to remember that there is more joy in giving than receiving.
Today is one of my really bad days. I have just found out that my sister has apparently rallied the HOA of the cottage we own together to make her legally the person that makes all the decisions regarding the cottage. I have spent most of the day crying. I just don't know how much more abuse I can stand. I am the family scapegoat, and I cannot compete with the lifelong smear campaign my siblings run behind my back. I know now I will have to likely completely give up all the contact with the extended family if I am ever to have any peace of mind. My mother has been dead for a year, and my sister and brother have done everything they can to destroy my relationships with the extended family and longtime family friends and neighbors. I heard something really valuable today.There are certain people that get it, and will do things to help out the abused person. I am very fortunate to have had so many kind people help me, who are not/were not really friends of the family, or relatives who tolerate(d) my parents and siblings even though they do/did not like them. As for those that support the smear campaign, they are similar to both my parents, sister and brother, and will never get that I am being abused, unless something happens that my sister and brother drop their charming facades, and do similar things like they have done to me.
I need to grieve my losses and start a new life as soon as I can. The pandemic can not end soon enough, so I can move to a new location, and do what I have to to sell all the properties I own with my siblings and to get mom's estate settled. For today though, I will have to set the simple goal of living the best life I can, cry my heart out, and move on so tomorrow is a better day.

[GaGrl]

Zachira, is the cottage property in your and your sister's joint title now, or is it part of the estate?

[zachira]

GaGrl,
It is an LLC and not part of the estate. Years ago, my sister and I requested my mom with BPD give us her 1 percent of the cottage which she did; this was because mom decided she did not want to pay taxes anymore with us and did not file taxes for the LLC. We got into trouble with the IRS and had to pull some major strings with the firm that did both the taxes for our LLC and mom. My sister's  and my accountant got my mother's accountant to redo mom's taxes without her knowledge and then got my brother to bring mom down to sign the amended taxes. We were lucky, as we might never have gotten out of debt, if the IRS had caught mom years later. I insisted we have all the taxes redone and we be completely honest with the IRS. My sister was demanding that we just pay the huge fine which would have solved nothing, which is all part of my sister's infantile narcissistic personality that just melts down on the spur of the moment demanding to have things her way no matter how unreasonable her demands are.
At one point, when mom was part owner, she took me down to the lawyer's office to sign some paperwork. I read the paperwork and realized that it made my sister the legal manager and I would be giving up my right to participate in making decisions about the cottage.I refused to sign the paperwork. Mom was angry, and I did not sign the paperwork until I had equal rights with my sister to manage the cottage.
The HOA is planning on nominating and making a Director for each cottage. My sister is on the Board. My sister is clearly behind this. Our cottage is the only one in which the owners openly disagree on how to vote. It makes me angry and it hurts to know my sister has done this and the other owners will likely support her. For years, we had a President who openly abused all the members and a manager that stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from the HOA, which she got away with, despite my objections. I am not popular because I openly object when other members, not just me, are being completely disrespected and having a paid manager that is getting thousands of dollars from several sources not authorized by the HOA for many years.
Maybe it will all be better in the end to just sell the cottage to my sister, though she will make my life hell if I agree to do so. For this reason, I want to sell the cottage to a third party, and let me sister pay her lawyer to come up with the proposal. My brother and sister have more money than I do, and would love to see me broke and homeless by my participating in endless legal bickering as they pull my strings.
I am slowly facing what I have to do to move on. I have to sell all the joint owned properties and go NC with most of the extended family. Maybe it is all for the best. I appreciate it when people give me constructive feedback on how to be a better person. I feel hurt and angry when for no apparent reason, people choose my sister over me. Yet there is a common thread when this happens. The ones that like my sister are narcissistic and superficial just like her. The people who like me are genuinely find people that know how to have kind caring relationships with balanced giving and taking from both parties.

[GaGrl]

Thanks. That clarifies the legal situation.

Do you have all the documentation you need to call for an audit on the accountability sister has been messing with?

Can you use the audit as leverage for your sister to agree to sell the cottage, or to get a fair buy-out?

The HOA , frankly, sounds like a nightmare.

[zachira]

GaGrl,
I do have the documentation to get my sister to return the money she stole.
I am stuck right now. I can't decide now what to do about the cottage nor when to move to another state until the pandemic dies down.
The HOA is a nightmare. Maybe I would be better off selling the cottage. It will be a hugh loss for me as it is the place where I still see many family friends and the relatives I genuinely care about. I will get none of my mother's things. I am excluded from holiday celebrations by my siblings. Now I am going to lose the summer place. My sister and brother are winnning their smear campaign against me for the most part. I didn't feel lovable enough to get married and was way too immature to marry or have children for many years. I know many people are in situations worse than mine. If I am careful, I have enough savings to have some kind of modest retirement. I need to count my blessings. I have my health. I have my sanity. I am able to have caring reciprocal relationships with friends. So many people are so tragically impacted by the pandemic. Who am I to feel sorry for myself?
You always ask some really good questions and have great suggestions. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out which helps me to move on, and get back to baseline emotional stability. I struggle trying to calm down knowing it is only a matter of time before I get blindsided by some more unbelievable cruelty orchestrated by my siblings and their enablers. It is just so painful and hard to deal with. Got to get up tomorrow morning with the goal of being the best person that I can for the day.

[zachira]

Today is a much better day. I contacted the President of the HOA about my concerns: she listened well, was compassionate, while having appropriate boundaries. My sister has been running this horrific smear campaign against me every since we were children. I now speak up about the abuse, and people respond differently. Some people will completely defend my sister, mostly the first cousins. Some  people who have fallen for my sister's charm, are uncomfortable hearing about how she abuses her family members in private. Than there are those who get it without completely siding with me, which I would not want, as I don't want blind loyalty from negative advocates. I would never want anybody to replace their own judgment with mine or someone else's. It feels good to speak up about the abuse even if it can cause some real controversy at times.
I also am standing up to my siblings having drawn my line in the sand. It no longer works to compromise with my silbings as they have just increased their abuse of me and their entitled behaviors. I am particularly not giving my siblings things they desperately want without them giving me some of the things I need, like for mom's estate to be settled.

[GaGrl]

With multiple properties involved, it looks more and more as if you need a real estate lawyer.

[zachira]

GaGrl,
I agree with you. The problem I have is my siblings are looking to just string me along. I am planning to consult with a real estate lawyer, yet do not have high hopes for any kind of immediate resolution. For example, I offered to buy the cottage from my sister. She sent me a two page list of impossible unreasonable demands for me to buy the place. Than she contacted the mutually agreed upon lawyer, and made it clear that maybe she wanted to sell to me, or maybe she wanted to buy the place herself or maybe she does not want to sell at all. All her ridiculous demands which are major power plays would have cost me a lot of money without much hope of resolution. I immediately cancelled the lawyer before he did any work for us. I can make it clear I want to sell or buy, and tell my siblings to come up with an offer, and  they have to have their own lawyer. I am done with all the power plays. I am wondering how much money there is in mom's estate, now that my brother has strung along two lawyers, refused to do what is in the will, and has made clear it is up to him to settle the estate. I think he wants mom's estate to run out of funds so he does not have to pay me for her things. I need to get moving on all of this, and some days I just have trouble moving forward because I am overwhelmed by all the unnecessary cruel drama with my silblings. Thank you for responding. Writing this all out, reminds me of how much I have to do before I will be fully NC with my siblings. It is one step at a time, until one day hopefully I am free from owning any properties with my siblings and the estate is settled.

[missing NC]

Hey Zachira,

Just want to jump back in and say it looks like you are getting a handle on what needs to happen with the cottage.

I'm not sure how to respond to the question of how I am. Sometimes I'm not too bad.  Here's to moving forward for all of us.

[zachira]

Got two strange emails from my BIL today. He is codependent, walks on egg shells all the time enabling my sister and I think somewhat narcissitic. The emails had a whole bunch of fake email addresses except for mine and then 1-3 meaningless letters and numbers. I am proud of myself in that I didn't let his passive agressive behaviors upset me. I think he and my sister are now having to deal with each other's dysregulated emotions as I am not in contact with them currently except by email when necessary over family business, and they don't have me to dump on. I am feeling calm and collected, not taking on how badly my BIL wanted me to feel. My  goal is to get out of all the toxic family triangles, so the unhappy mean people don't have me to blame for how badly they are feeling in the moment. Let them take responsibility for their dysregulated emotions!
I am beginning to wonder if my BIL is a narcissist like my sister who clearly has NPD. He certainly likes to maintain an exceptionally positive public image. Both he and my sister refused to discipline their favorite child when she was growing up despite numerous complaints about her abusing both children and adults from the church, the community, neighbors, relatives, etc., The church eventually got a therapist to talk with my sister about how upset the congregation was with the way my niece constantly disrupted the church service, which didn't change a thing. I witnessed my niece abusing adults and children time and time again, with other adults stepping in because my sister and BIL refused to do so. I am proud of my niece who as a grown up discusses how she suffered not having any discipline as a child, and how she had to learn some very painful lessons on her own. What do you think of parents that refuse to discipline their children no matter how badly they behave? Is this a form of narcissism? Is my BIL a narcissist dumping on me how frustrated he is that I will no longer enable my sister and him?

[Methuen]

I am wondering how much money there is in mom's estate, now that my brother has strung along two lawyers, refused to do what is in the will, and has made clear it is up to him to settle the estate.

Wow.  This legal stuff and the family stuff you have to deal with is overwhelming for me to read.  I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for you to live with.

I am in awe for the strength and resolve you have to not be brought down to their level, for waking up every day with the goal of being the best person you can be, and well...just for not giving up.  They certainly seem to be trying to wear you down.

Zachira, who was named as "executor" in the Will?  

Is your brother the executor?  You mention he's "refusing to do what is in the Will".  Can he do that? How?  It's a Will...  I thought a Will was a legal document that required action.  I know nothing about Will's, so full disclosure, my thinking is on the simplest level.  But are there no legal boundaries about how long the executor has to begin "executing" the Will?  Seems to me that if someone is refusing to execute the Will, you are entitled to file a complaint (guessing there's a name for this in legalese, but I plead ignorance as to what that would be).  From someone who knows nothing, this just all sounds crazy.  I know there can be a lot of work involved with Will's which can take time, but you should be entitled to be kept abreast of what is going on, if you are named in the Will.  Who is legally responsible for communicating with you?  Who is the legal liaison between you and the Will?

I think he wants mom's estate to run out of funds so he does not have to pay me for her things.

Again I plead ignorance, so be patient with my simple mindedness...  After someone dies, aren't the funds legally tied up until the Will is executed?  Who is the lawyer responsible for handling the Will?  Can you contact this lawyer and ask some enquiring questions?  

It sounds like there are dirty shenanagans going on here with the siblings... but no decent lawyer wants to be a part of this kind of stuff.  They are still professionals...hopefully?

Sigh.  Life will be so peaceful when this is finally behind you.

[zachira]

I am moving forward. I am contacting people who might know someone who would want to buy the cottage. I have emailed one possible interested party. I have decided I can under no circumstances sell the cottage to my sister. She and the relatives will gaslight and smear me until the day I die if she owns the cottage. Hopefully she will agree to sell to a third party. I can live with having a nice family enjoy our cottage, and possibly rent from them in the future without the threat of my sister appearing.
My sister is now renting a place near where the cottage is. I made it clear I might be in the cottage and I would take action if she were to physically attack me again. I cannot just be a doormat and let her make me pay for a cottage, she will not allow me to stay at. My sister will likely be picking up the things she is taking from my mom's house and then my brother will hopefully settle the estate.
I have made arrangements for some relatives to help me get my personal belongings stored at what was once mom's house. This way they can make the arrangements, and I will not be alone, with my brother trying to get even with me in some sinister way like calling the police on me, saying I am stealing when I actually have permission to be there. I will have to wait until I can fly to do this.
I have been doing my research about dealing with people with NPD and BPD in legal disputes. My only option really is to get everything done involving my siblings ASAP. My siblings will never stop gaslighting me or smearing me to their flying monkeys while trying to make my life as miserable as possible.
Hopefully, there will be some real light at the end of the tunnel soon. I feel sad about all the losses yet know I will be relieved about getting away from my abusive siblings and their enablers as much as that is possible.