Inside knowledge

[Choosinghope]

Hey all,

Just wanted to share this story. As some of you may have been following, things with my uBPD mom are at an all time low. I've also been struggling with the confidence and grounding to firmly believe my version of events, not hers. Even now, I am doubting myself and my years of training are kicking in and trying justify my mom. Last night, I was visiting with the pastor who married me and my H and his wife. Fantastic couple, as a side note. I was talking through the situation with them and saying that something is just so off with my mom, and I'm worried about my parents, but I also have secret doubts that I'm the crazy one.

The couple looked at each other, and then my pastor said, "No, I can guarantee that you're not the crazy one. Your mom called me a few weeks back." I was floored. Apparently, she called him, a man she had met once, and chewed him out for agreeing to marry us and not catching all the huge red flags in our relationship. She also had concocted this elaborate scenario based upon something he said in the ceremony, which he was trying to explain was simply not true. He said he was amazed at how she was telling him what he was thinking and believing based upon a simple phrase grossly twisted in meaning. While I was mortified that she did that, it also was exactly the confirmation that I needed from a trusted, outside source. So, I guess blessings in disguise, albeit horribly embarrassing blessings. Have you all had a situation like this where someone close to you but completely removed from your pwBPD has helped to validate your sanity?

[zachira]

In response to your question: It never ceases to amaze me as to who gets the family dysfunction and who doesn't. Most people who get it often keep their mouths shut, unless they feel safe validating that you are not the crazy one. Pay attention to people's non verbal cues and how you get treated with extra kindness; you might be suprised as to how many people get it, and say nothing. People with BPD and NPD sell a false self to others. Healthy people are genuine most of the time; their internal and external realities are coherent. Some people see through the phoniness and manipulativeness of a person playing a role to manipulate others pretty early in their contacts with this type of person.  I hope you will explore more in depth who else you think gets it. You likely have the support and empathy of more people than you ever thought.
Many people who were not close to my family have been very kind to me in my life, especially other parents when I was a child, who were people that clearly did not like my parents, and knew that I was an abused child.

[Methuen]

Have you all had a situation like this where someone close to you but completely removed from your pwBPD has helped to validate your sanity?

I wish I did, but I haven’t.  I’m happy for you though.  This kind of validation hopefully frees you from those self-doubts you are describing.

My experience is a bit different.  I have observed my mom over the years struggle with some of her closest relationships.  She and 1 sister (a lovely person) were n/c for about 10 years.  She was also n/c for about 4 yrs with one of her closest lifetime friends.  And her boyfriend (after dad died) was an on again off again hot/cold type of relationship.  He recently moved away.  It’s a less direct kind of validation than yours, but nevertheless, I know I’m not alone when it comes to challenges with my mom.