He's temper is getting worse

[Perdita]

I've mentioned in previous posts that I have been at my parents the whole of 2020.  My things are still at the house though which is 4 minutes away.  Lately he's been nice again.  The past couple of days (I know!  It's crumbs). 

Today he said he was going out with his mother again.  I've noticed that he has been spending a lot of time with her which is surprising because right up until lockdown started he would always ask me to go with when visiting his mother or ask me to keep her company whenever she visits.  He says she gives him heartburn and he has nightmares at night after being in her company.  He then wakes in the morning angry and saying "It's my f ing mother's fault".

Today I told him that it makes me feel bad that his mom thinks I am with him for his money.  Let me give some background.  Earlier this year his mom talked about how well off he is and that he earns such a huge salary.  I was so confused at the time that I blurted out that it's not true and told her how much he does earn (I have seen his pay slips and bank statements, I know what he earns).  I know I shouldn't have, but at that moment hearing her talk about how she could never in several months have earned that much in a month . . . it was strange.

After some time I put something together that happened a couple of years ago.  His now late stepfather had just been alone in the living room with the mother (SO's) and her DIL.  He came wandering into the kitchen and I asked if he was ok (Alzeihmers; at that point sometimes lucid enough but mostly not).  He angrily said to me "No.  You don't earn as much money as [SO's name]."  I was so taken aback that I said nothing.  Only months later I came out with it to him.  At that point he was the one who actually said his stepdad heard it from his mother.

What I put together this year is that his mother thinks he is very well off (he isn't and is deep in dept) and that since I clearly don't earn whatever amount she thinks he does, she concluded that I am with him for his money or that I am less than for not earning X amount.

He went ballistic when I told him this today (we were messaging).  I didn't expect he would lose it like that. I wasn't calling her names or anything like that.   I thought I was starting a dialogue with him (stupid, should know better).  Next thing there is a message on my phone telling me he is on his way over here and that I had insulted his mother.  Keep in mind that even his mom's best friend of many years didn't know I existed until 2 years ago!  She was shocked when we met by chance and I told her we'd been together 5 years.  She immediately turned to his mother and asked her why she's never heard about me before.  His mom pretended not to hear even though the woman was sitting next to her and spoke loudly.

Anyway.  He came here and started banging - not knocking - on the kitchen and then living room windows.  Fortunately there is a security gate at the front door leading to the front door.  I heard him banging (or kicking) it.  So I opened the window and told him to go to the double gates at the back.  I didn't want my parents to hear.  He went around and started shouting profanities at me.  He kept saying that I want him to chose between me and his mom.  I kept saying that's not the case.  This guy that is always telling me his mom makes him physically ill to be around was shouting at me "I chose my mother!  I chose my mother!  You lose!".  Then he karate kicked my parents gate HARD.  He left shouting at me "F you. You are f ed up".

He phoned soon after. Looking back I shouldn't have answered but he gets worse when I don't.  He was shouting the whole time and told me that I am not allowed to talk and must only listen.  He went on to tell me "I want to f ing kick your f ing teeth in".  It made me wonder what would have happened if the gates (high) hadn't been between us when he kicked it.

This is the 3rd time this year he has banged on the windows.  This time people passing by saw him.  I think the neighbour's across the street did as well. 

I am sitting here thinking why it is ok for him to potentially destroy my parents property, but I have to be quiet about his mom.  BTW, I have entertained her many times while he would go outside to smoke to avoid her.  Meanwhile, my parents only ever visited once and after 30 minutes he was slouching on the couch with his eyes rolled up long enough so no one could miss it.  My parents left soon after.  They never came back.

He claimed earlier this week that he is trying to cut back on weed (which he abuses daily).  Basically the state of his finances has scared him.  He spends close to the same amount a month on weed than on the bond to the house (which is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in a very good suburb). 

I don't even know why I am posting or what I am asking.  The whole incident today rattled me.  Oh but I did send him a message right before typing this post telling him that it is not ok for him to carry on like that on my parent's property.  I told him that I should have said something after the first time, but that I am telling him now to not do this again.  I am scared thinking what his reply will be.  The message hasn't gone through on his side yet.  Do you ever wish you would just die so that you can find peace again?

[I Am Redeemed]

He keeps behaving this way because there are no consequences when he does.

He thinks it's "ok" to demand you listen to his verbal assaults and be exposed to his physical assault on your parents' property because he feels entitled to do so.

Have you considered hanging up and not listening to him when he rages over the phone at you?

Have you considered calling the police instead of engaging with him when he comes to your parents' residence and behaves this way?

If a different person (an acquaintance, or a random stranger) came to your parents' house banging on windows and kicking the gate, would you allow it to continue and hope they would just leave, or would you call the police?

Any plans for getting your stuff out of the other house?

[Perdita]

I am currently in a self imposed stage 5 lockdown with my parents as numbers rise.  Both are elderly and with health challenges.  I have an auto immune disease myself.  I worry about catching it, but I also have enjoyed the time when everyone out here took it seriously and no one was out on the streets and everything was quiet.  The peacefulness of it was beautiful and much needed in my life.

I have thought from the first incident about calling the police, but I am frankly too scared.  I am scared of how he would react.  I am scared of how all his family and friends will run to the police with stories about how crazy I am in his defense (from him smearing me black, not from anything they have ever witnessed themselves!). 

I answered the phone once, then not again.  I sent him a firm message telling him that it's not ok to kick the gate and bang on the windows and never to do so again.  His reply was "tell your mother why I did it".  I read it and wondered how far removed he is from reality to think that my mom  will say oh that's ok you had every right to do that. 

I was in bed the entire day yesterday.  Not feeling well today either and I know it is related to the stress of dealing with my parents and dealing with his awful mood swings.  Feels like I am going to have a stroke and a heart attack all at once.  I am breathing deeply etc., but my body isn't listening.  My head feels like a pressure cooker and my chest feels like it's going to explode. 

[Baglady]

Hi Perdita 

I'm sorry that you had to experience such an unsettling and upsetting incident. 

What are the good things about this relationship that outweigh the abuse?

Please know that I'm coming from a place of genuine curiosity and not any judgement at all (survivor of a 27 relationship with an exBPD so familiar with many of the complexities).

Warmly, 
B

[Perdita]

Hi Baglady,

It's like the classic case of when someone is in a r/s with a alcoholic (fortunately he isn't a drinker at least).  He can be really great to be around when he isn't raging and/or playing mind games etc.  More than anything it's that no one has ever made me laugh as much (there you have it guys, if you can make her laugh . . .).  He use to have a lot of energy and was always doing something. This appealed to me because for years I was too sick to get out and do things.  Meeting up with someone like him at an age when most people were already settled in their lives and pretty much bored with the things I had missed out on, that was nice.  I caught up a bit on the things in life that most people take for granted.   I met him just as I was recovering and becoming interested in life again.  Now he has less energy and smokes a whole lot more instead of actually doing something. 

[Cat Familiar]

If you met him now, knowing what you do about him, would you get involved in a relationship with him?

[Perdita]

If you met him now, knowing what you do about him, would you get involved in a relationship with him?

I have thought about this many times and the answer is no.  I've been through too much pain because of him.  Isn't the answer no for all of us though?

[Perdita]

Oh and he send a message earlier this evening saying that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  Only what we think.  I didn't reply.  He knows full well that what I said about his mother is true.  He just won't come right out and say it.  He'd rather threaten me than admit how two faced his mother is.

[Baglady]

Hi Perdita,

I so get it - my kryptonite when it comes to guys is a sense of humor/intelligence.  My exBPDh was hilarious when he wasn't raging, super quick-witted and fun to be around because he was vortex of energy - never a dull moment.  The admission ticket price was way too high for me tho' in the long run.

Now I live a life of peace and I get my humor needs met by stand-up comedians.  I miss the fun of the relationship but not the abuse.

Warmly,
B

[formflier]

I think you need to call the police next time anything close to this happens.

What is the plan for getting your stuff?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Hi FF,

I agree. I was thinking about this during the night.  It's time for me to start writing these things down. Does anybody know if I should only stick to writing things down as they happen or can I also mention similar incidents? For instance, there have been a number of times he kicked things in public at shops.

[Perdita]

He was just here to drop our dog. He was shouting saying that he was justified in his actions yesterday. Then he kicked the front gate.  He says he has problems and because of me he can't trust anyone as far as talking to them about it.  I told him I can't solve his problems.  He's sick. Shouting at the front door. Meanwhile my parents are trying to get sleep because my father was sick during the night. I feel he is trying to bait me.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Perdita-

You’re correct, your BF is a very sick man.  He has shown you this not only through his violent verbal attacks, banging on windows and his kicking of inanimate objects, but also through his very sick behaviors in the past when you were living with him.  Remember the bathroom incidents?  I do...

And I’m hoping that when he has your poor dog he doesn’t one day look at that helpless animal, get angry out of nowhere and once again misdirect his rage.  THAT scares me.  That and that someday his fists will make it through a window toward you.

Now neighbors are seeing this, and perhaps a police call is becoming more appropriate.

I don’t intend to be harsh, but I’ve experienced physical attack.  When that line is crossed, your recovery takes a whole different path.  There is NO man who is “funny” enough to make up for what this guy is bringing to your life; and the fear he is likely now bringing to your parents.  And perhaps your dog.  I address the dog issue for specific reasons I’ve never discussed with anyone... that sent shivers down my spine.  That could be enough, but we can talk more about it if you wish.

May I suggest that yes, not only write down what he’s doing in the here and now, but start journaling EVERYTHING you recall that he’s done in the past.  Recall the dates the best you can.
And... the next time he comes, turn on the recorder of your cell phone.  Just turn it ON and leave it on. 

Practice today turning it on, keeping it in your hand or maybe an apron pocket (I did that) walking and talking in the house and figure out how you need to hold it.  Don’t provoke him to rage, but if he kicks the gate, you say “please don’t kick my parent’s gate again”.  And let your phone record the response...

I’m so so sorry for your pain.  I’m not so sure you’re that confused about what you need to do anymore. 

Does this man really have much to offer you?  Or any partner for that matter?  In the state he’s been in for the last who knows how long?  His “temper” is not getting worse.  He is completely unraveling... but this is not new.  It’s just a new side of his sickness.  And now he is telling you he wants to “kick your f***ing teeth in”.  And you are wondering what may have happened had the gate NOT stood between the two of you... 

Perdita - you’re  ignoring your own messages, your own fear.  Who CARES what his family thinks of your “motives”?  This guy presents as a danger.  And one of my fears is that someone on the outside could interpret that by allowing him to come to your elderly parent’s house and behave in this way, that YOU are putting THEM in danger.  Use care, my friend.  Things are not always as they appear.  YOU are being abused, but the wrong person could be accused of the abuse.  And by this, I mean you.  Please be careful.

And of course, there was “charm” and great love in the beginning.  But my friend, it seems the hook has fallen off that line.  You deserve more than this.  Please see this in yourself.

You can get help retrieving your things from the house.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

  I feel he is trying to bait me.

I think so as well and it appears to me you are taking the bait.

Did I read correctly that you communicated with him this morning?

It appears to me he is using the dog connection to attempt to intimidate you with physical violence.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I have thought about this many times and the answer is no.  I've been through too much pain because of him.  Isn't the answer no for all of us though?

I think many of us can have a relatively happy and satisfying relationship with a pwBPD. Two factors, in my opinion, are necessary for this to happen.

1. The pwBPD must have some degree of self awareness and willingness to adjust to the demands of living with another person.

2. The degree of dysfunction must not be so extreme that the individual engages in what would be considered criminal behavior: property destruction, inflicting physical injury, suicidal ideation, engaging in illegal acts, etc.

Perhaps a relationship can be enjoyed and maintained despite some of these factors being present, but certainly the more that are, the less likely this is to occur.

[I Am Redeemed]

Perdita,

I understand the fear of calling the police. I lived with that fear for years, even after the physical violence continued to escalate.

Let's go over what your fears are and evaluate how true they are likely to be.

You are afraid of how he will react if you call the police. What do you think he will do? Think of how you will respond with a boundary to his reaction. If he does x, I will do y. If he is escorted off the property then blames me and calls to rage at me, I will not answer the phone. If he returns to the property and continues his raging, threats, and physical assaults on the property, I will call the police again.

You are afraid his family will tell the police you are crazy. Most likely, the police will believe what they see when they pull up to your parents' house and witness the behavior of your bf. Do you think it is realistic that the police will listen to stories with no evidence after the fact from the family of a person who has been found kicking gates or banging on windows while a woman and her elderly parents are inside the house?

Call the police. If you do not enlist the help of someone with authority, he is going to keep harassing and threatening you and your parents.

[formflier]

If you do not enlist the help of someone with authority, he is going to keep harassing and threatening you and your parents.

And..most likely his entitlement to express himself in these negative ways will grow, which means he will likely act out worse and worse until he is stopped by an authority.

So really...it's a call now or call later when something bigger happens.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Thank you all for the input thus far.  I wanted to be behind my desktop before replying.  Not good at typing on the phone.

Hi Perdita-

You’re correct, your BF is a very sick man.  He has shown you this not only through his violent verbal attacks, banging on windows and his kicking of inanimate objects, but also through his very sick behaviors in the past when you were living with him.  Remember the bathroom incidents?  I do...

I do remember and I know that despite him insisting that he has stopped with that, he is still doing it.  I wasn't at the house for a long time.  Then I went there 3 times.  Each time there was no toilet paper at all.  Suspicious considering that he poops every morning like clock work.  Yet no paper.  I finally bought paper (on his expense!).  I bet he hasn't used it.

And I’m hoping that when he has your poor dog he doesn’t one day look at that helpless animal, get angry out of nowhere and once again misdirect his rage.  THAT scares me.  That and that someday his fists will make it through a window toward you.

The dog can do no wrong in his eyes - unlike me, of course.

May I suggest that yes, not only write down what he’s doing in the here and now, but start journaling EVERYTHING you recall that he’s done in the past.  Recall the dates the best you can.
And... the next time he comes, turn on the recorder of your cell phone.  Just turn it ON and leave it on. 

Practice today turning it on, keeping it in your hand or maybe an apron pocket (I did that) walking and talking in the house and figure out how you need to hold it.  Don’t provoke him to rage, but if he kicks the gate, you say “please don’t kick my parent’s gate again”.  And let your phone record the response...

Apron pocket is a great idea. I have tried recording him in the past and no matter how much I fiddle with the settings, the recorder switches off the moment the screen turns off.  I will try again.  I am also currently charging my camcorder.  I have been recording his phone calls all year.  His threat about kicking my teeth in was recorded.  He doesn't know, of course.

Perdita - you’re  ignoring your own messages, your own fear.  Who CARES what his family thinks of your “motives”?  This guy presents as a danger. 

I am tired of his family.  Tired of the fakeness, tired of the holier than thou none sense.  Tired of their love of money and their phony smiles.  I have tried with those people, I really have.  Yet he blames me for things they do.  I sense he is actually embarrassed of their behaviour but he is blaming me for everything because I am the scapegoat.  I have always been the scapegoat.

And of course, there was “charm” and great love in the beginning.  But my friend, it seems the hook has fallen off that line.  You deserve more than this.  Please see this in yourself.

There was never great love from the beginning.  I thought we were mutually falling in love.  Meanwhile I discovered too late that he was using me to try and make his crush jealous.  She was having a fling with a neighbour.  So he decided to also have a fling with a neighbour - me.  I had no idea what I was walking into and was so naive that it took me several months to figure it out.  He still denies that he was besotted with this woman, but over and over again he did things to show that he was.

[Perdita]

Did I read correctly that you communicated with him this morning?

Hi FF.  I did communicate with him. Yes, he was carrying on about his problems and about his mom's problems.  His problems are always bigger than mine.  ALWAYS.  I swear he gets offended when I have stress in my life.  He was saying that "Yeah, now you will probably contact my family".    I told him I would not be contacting anyone and that he can call his psychiatrist because that's what he is there for and that I don't have the ability to help him.

[Perdita]

You are afraid of how he will react if you call the police. What do you think he will do? Think of how you will respond with a boundary to his reaction. If he does x, I will do y. If he is escorted off the property then blames me and calls to rage at me, I will not answer the phone. If he returns to the property and continues his raging, threats, and physical assaults on the property, I will call the police again.

I basically feel that I won't come out on top no matter what and that it will make everything worse.  He will twist it all around the drag my name through the mud to make himself appear to be the victim.  After years of telling everyone I am crazy - twisting the truth - I can't see anyone believing me,

You are afraid his family will tell the police you are crazy. Most likely, the police will believe what they see when they pull up to your parents' house and witness the behavior of your bf. Do you think it is realistic that the police will listen to stories with no evidence after the fact from the family of a person who has been found kicking gates or banging on windows while a woman and her elderly parents are inside the house?

I am acquainted with the police lady in charge of policing in my area and have her mobile number.  We've attended a lot of community meetings together (me and her) over a period of almost 10 years.  I guess  if it comes to it I will talk to her directly to get advice.  The difference between me and him in this regard is that I have connected with community leaders in my area whereas he can't be bothered.  In other words, he has had the chance to smear me to them.

[Perdita]

I was thinking about it the other day.  Wondering where he got the idea that it's ok to kick other people's property - which he does a lot.  Then I remembered that in February or March his brother broke his television by kicking and stomping it because he didn't like the volume the kids had it on.  Only television in the brother's house. 

I thought some more and I remembered the time I mentioned to him that I don't understand why people destroy the cars of someone they are upset with.  He then revealed that his mom did that to their dad's car when they were kids.  Smashed it up with a bat.  Now I at least have my answer on why he thinks this is ok. 

I think a lot of his problems are due to his mother and not only the father's fault (as she keeps saying).  She is one of those people who after 30 years of divorcing the kids father she still can't let any opportunity slip by without bad mouthing him (every time I see her she finds a way of doing this).  It's all made worse by her constantly telling him "you're just like your father".  He tells her that he's not his father he is himself, but next visit she does it again.  Earlier this year she actually pretended to want a relationship with me.  All turned out to be none sense.

So yesterday his mom had to put her dog down.  He then accused me of "enjoying her pain.  She caused you pain and now you are enjoying her pain".  He said it yesterday when he came for our dog and again this morning when he dropped her off.  I told him that he is projecting his feelings towards her onto me.  When he was 14 or 15 he came home one day and found that his mom had put his dog to sleep because they were moving to another house (nearby the old one) and she didn't want to bring the dog with and said she was tired of feeding it.  A year ago he started having nightmares about it and and discussed it with his psychiatrist whereupon he confronted his mother.  He said she gave a "Oh ok then, I am sorry" response and waved it off.  I even got a message from her telling me that he is upsetting her "with the dog thing".  He is happy she's upset about her dog and trying to put that on me to make himself feel like the good guy.  He denies it, but it's true.

He was also shouting at me this morning that I better decide between my parents and him.  He wants me home, he claims.  I think he just wants me there so that he doesn't have to drop the dog off on his way to work.  He also accused me of being the only person concerned about Covid 19 and that everyone else is carrying on as usual.  I told him that I can't do that due to my parents and due to my own health that I don't want to lose again.  He earlier accused me of wanting him to choose between myself and his mother.  Never did I say that and I have told him so many times.  This must be why he is now playing this mind game with me about choosing between my parents and him. 

He also kept telling "do something.  Go for a walk.  Do something."  I told him that I do plenty taking care of my parents and the property, working from home and working on other pass times.  Besides, I took the dog for a walk to her favourite park on Monday afternoon.  He is trying to hit me from every angle he can think of.

[formflier]

  His threat about kicking my teeth in was recorded.  He doesn't know, of course.

So...can you take some time and think about what consequences his Mom, brother or he has ever faced because of their bad behavior?

Police?  Lost relationships?  etc etc

I've going to venture a guess that you will end up realizing there has been very little that has happened to them as a result of their actions.

I'm also going to suggest that you think about any patters or trends.  Did their behavior get worse over time or worse, then better then worse again...

How often has the threatened you with physical harm? 

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

So...can you take some time and think about what consequences his Mom, brother or he has ever faced because of their bad behavior?

Police?  Lost relationships?  etc etc

I've going to venture a guess that you will end up realizing there has been very little that has happened to them as a result of their actions.

Nothing has that I know of.  Definitely not for him.  His brother's first wife left him after, I think 5 years, and all I know about that marriage is that he was very hard on her, very critical.

I'm also going to suggest that you think about any patters or trends.  Did their behavior get worse over time or worse, then better then worse again...

How often has the threatened you with physical harm? 

It first started in, I think, 2017 and gotten worse this year.

[Perdita]

Well, he was just here again to fetch our dog.  Right before he came over he called me and he was all reconciliation and telling me how much he loves me etc etc.  Once he got here - not 15 minutes later, he was the complete opposite again.  He keeps going back and fort in a heartbeat.

However!  He came right out on his own and told me that he told his mother (and by implication other family members) that I lie and make things up about him.  He admitted it!  According to him his dear ole mum said "well, anyone that will lie like that about MY son . . ."  She knows he is sick.  She approached me and told me he is sick.  Meanwhile she is someone who is at the root of his sickness.  I am the scapegoat to that family to make themselves feel better about this mess of a person they helped
 create.

[formflier]

  I am the scapegoat to that family to make themselves feel better about this mess of a person they helped create.

I would agree with your assessment.  What do you think you will do with this insight?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

I would agree with your assessment.  What do you think you will do with this insight?

I honestly don't know but am open to receiving input.

[Cat Familiar]

Other than shared custody of the dog and the fact that some personal belongings are in his house, what is keeping you in this relationship?

[Perdita]

Other than shared custody of the dog and the fact that some personal belongings are in his house, what is keeping you in this relationship?

I am weighing my options and quietly working on my finances.  It will take time, unfortunately to get in order    I am at a point were I am imagining a future on my own.

[I Am Redeemed]

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