BPD is destroying my marriage

[dmar]

  Hi, my husband of 25 years was recently diagnosed with bpd and  looking back over the years I can say  the symptoms were there from the beginning of our marriage but were mild.  Today the symptoms are severe and focused on his distrust of me.  He thinks I have cheated, he thinks I am not happy in our marriage and he says he feels unworthy of me and has low self esteem.  He goes through my phone looking for evidence of infidelity when he cannot find anything  he finds non relevant things and manipulates them to validate his feelings.  I am constantly under a microscope and constantly being told that I am using him for financial gains and that I don't really love him.  I truly love my husband and I was committed to supporting him and trying to help him through treatment.  He acknowledges having bpd and acknowledges that he needs treatment but he also feels that some of his feelings about me are true  the ones involving me cheating.  I feel hopeless and confused and I feel the need to give up on our marriage because Im not sure he is totally vested in getting the treatment he needs.  He is currently seeing a therapist through Telehealth sessions but I don't believe they have helped him any.  He just informed me that his thoughts are getting worse and that he cannot make love to me anymore because he pictures me with someone else during our love making.  We both agree that we need to separate but it is very difficult.  I understand that his feeling are real to him and I know that he is not intentionally trying to destroy our marriage but the pain is unbearable at times.  I have spent the last 3 days just crying about this situation.  I am beginning to feel depressed.  I think I may need therapy myself, Im just not sure what to do.

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[Leaf123]

Hi,

It is great your husband finally received a diagnosis!  I am divorced from a man that had severe mental health issues that caused him to be violent, and his back and forth in idealization and devaluing was bizarre and extreme, and highly abusive.  I suffered abuse everyday, including physical abuse.  He liked to blame everyone around him, and was manipulative financially and in general.  He had no qualms about lying, or abusing me in public.  Over the years the abuse towards me in public caused him to be seen as bizarre to many people around him.  As I relate some of my story, I want to get back to the fact that your husband is receiving treatment and has a diagnosis. I think unfortunately, my ex-husband may never receive proper treatment, could not stay on his meds, could not admit to any wrong-doing and was increasingly mired in drug and alcohol addition and physical and verbal abuse. He was manipulative with a therapist he had briefly, and was kicked out of couples counseling after charming her, and then when I joined after a month of sessions, she was shocked at his abuse towards me and promptly ended the counseling because she did not feel safe in the room with him, and suggested psychiatric care. 

I hope you husband gets the help he needs, and I'm sorry you are in pain.  People in general are challenging and difficult--we sometimes meet the right person but still realize we have to learn about each other and understand how our compatibilities can work towards something healthy.  Not every man is severe as my ex-husband, but not every man you love.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi dmar, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and understand it very intimately myself. The BPD diagnosis in a long term partner can be both liberating and terrifying at the same time. And all of us here know what it feels like to be the receiving end of baseless accusations and criticism.

I think everyone here will agree with me that therapy for partners of pwBPD is not just a help in this kind of situation, it's absolutely essential. We all need an outlet for our own feelings along with a guide to help us understand how we got here, and how we can make change from our side.

Besides considering therapy, do you have any other methods for self-care when things at home are difficult? A hobby, or a friend / family member you can talk to about the sitation?

~Roland