Broke up with BPD gf, will the feelings of loss ever go

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

I have read a few posts and very much value your openness. I am quite lost and grieving, and seeking reassurance that “this too shall pass”. I am not sure where to begin but here goes...

I broke up (via text) with my (then) gf yesterday. This is our second formal break-up, with many other moments of wanting to break up, which is a bad pattern in and of itself.

Even though it’s so fresh, I have never found a break up so hard or even hard to actually break up in the first place. Why is that? Is it the toxicity of the relationship making me feel that it’s so special that it must be worth fighting over. I am at a loss.

We had been dating for about a year (both in our 30s) and my Gf got diagnosed about 6 months in after a very tumultuous period which ended up in a trip to the hospital and a “likely” diagnosis of BPD. It was so horrendous the lead up to this that I was an emotionally wreck and constantly self-filtering as I desperately, desperately tried to not trigger anything.

We stayed together, even though the DBT course and psych had yet to start. We only last a couple of months before we broke up, after endless interrogation, humiliating comments, etc of me. I was pretty traumatised by the time we broke up and was desperately seeking freedom. She kept pursuing and her family reach out to me, and I agreed to give it a second go because the DBT course was starting.

Likely this was a mistake on my part, because I was still carrying the trauma, the walking on eggshells etc in me, and it had not be healed, so I kept finding myself triggered constantly and scared of “setting her off.” I just feel and felt like no matter how much love and reassurance I have her it was never enough.

My ex was proactive to change after the diagnosis and had started DBT (halfway) through the course and even though in some ways things were improving in other ways I felt my world continued to shrink. Especially with regards to seeing friends. My mental health is spiralled badly (anxiety) and I feel my physical health has as well because I am in a state of vigilance when we are together.

I have been thinking that I cannot continue although I never planned to do it yesterday. The last 5 weeks have not been good on the whole. I feel my very existence in her life is ONE BIG TRIGGER. And that she does not trust me (this came across on Tuesday after a breakthrough session with her psych on why she is so jealous / misdirected anger)  I sent a message about being lost yesterday and then it just spiralled and I was like I cannot deal with this and I ended it via text and then blocked on all channels (Adrenalin-fuelled) and then unblocked and attempted to call to have the end talk over the phone and she did not answer. I think she is also happy we have separated because for once, she exited all our mutual Whatsapp groups and changed all her profile photos (even though they weren’t us).

Why am I writing? Because I feel so overwhelmed, she was in a really bad place mentally and I feel like I went through that with her and now I’m in the rubble, while her life will keep improving. I feel broken, a shell of my former shelf and DESPITE all this, I still miss her and regret that this time she will not reach out. Why do I care so much? This was so toxic, I am a shell.

Can I move on from these feelings? Can I heal? I know I never want to date again, this has destroyed me and I have let it.

Thank you for your time, all.

[shootingstar]

Hi all,

I have read a few posts and very much value your openness. I am quite lost and grieving, and seeking reassurance that “this too shall pass”. I am not sure where to begin but here goes...

I broke up (via text) with my (then) gf yesterday. This is our second formal break-up, with many other moments of wanting to break up, which is a bad pattern in and of itself.

Even though it’s so fresh, I have never found a break up so hard or even hard to actually break up in the first place. Why is that? Is it the toxicity of the relationship making me feel that it’s so special that it must be worth fighting over. I am at a loss.

We had been dating for about a year (both in our 30s) and my Gf got diagnosed about 6 months in after a very tumultuous period which ended up in a trip to the hospital and a “likely” diagnosis of BPD. It was so horrendous the lead up to this that I was an emotionally wreck and constantly self-filtering as I desperately, desperately tried to not trigger anything.

We stayed together, even though the DBT course and psych had yet to start. We only last a couple of months before we broke up, after endless interrogation, humiliating comments, etc of me. I was pretty traumatised by the time we broke up and was desperately seeking freedom. She kept pursuing and her family reach out to me, and I agreed to give it a second go because the DBT course was starting.

Likely this was a mistake on my part, because I was still carrying the trauma, the walking on eggshells etc in me, and it had not be healed, so I kept finding myself triggered constantly and scared of “setting her off.” I just feel and felt like no matter how much love and reassurance I have her it was never enough.

My ex was proactive to change after the diagnosis and had started DBT (halfway) through the course and even though in some ways things were improving in other ways I felt my world continued to shrink. Especially with regards to seeing friends. My mental health is spiralled badly (anxiety) and I feel my physical health has as well because I am in a state of vigilance when we are together.

I have been thinking that I cannot continue although I never planned to do it yesterday. The last 5 weeks have not been good on the whole. I feel my very existence in her life is ONE BIG TRIGGER. And that she does not trust me (this came across on Tuesday after a breakthrough session with her psych on why she is so jealous / misdirected anger)  I sent a message about being lost yesterday and then it just spiralled and I was like I cannot deal with this and I ended it via text and then blocked on all channels (Adrenalin-fuelled) and then unblocked and attempted to call to have the end talk over the phone and she did not answer. I think she is also happy we have separated because for once, she exited all our mutual Whatsapp groups and changed all her profile photos (even though they weren’t us).

Why am I writing? Because I feel so overwhelmed, she was in a really bad place mentally and I feel like I went through that with her and now I’m in the rubble, while her life will keep improving. I feel broken, a shell of my former shelf and DESPITE all this, I still miss her and regret that this time she will not reach out. Why do I care so much? This was so toxic, I am a shell.

Can I move on from these feelings? Can I heal? I know I never want to date again, this has destroyed me and I have let it.

Thank you for your time, all.

[Football2000]

I totally get where you're coming from.

I think there is a difference between breaking up and your mind accepting that it is over. In the latter case, once you do, you'll actually hurt more because the illusion of possibly being with that person just goes away. Then you can start the true healing and grieving process.

Also, people with BPD can be really nice sometimes, even though at other times they are very hard to understand and talk to.

[Rev]

Hi Shooting

Welcome - sorry this is happening... happy you found us.

Let it all out my friend.  As my own T reminded me - stay in your rational self. There are lots of tricks to do that. 

Tell me, are you in therapy now? Do you have a spiritual practice?  Are you reading any self-help books that you like?

Yes - you will get better. BPD relationships, especially for men I would say, have this way of picking you apart rather than breaking you. It takes time to put yourself back together.  And so the desire to not date is a healthy one - a great defense mechanism that will help you when you meet women again - your BS meter is probably gonna be in great shape. 

Stay in touch.

You're gonna be okay - even as this sucks.

Rev