He's temper is getting worse Part 2

[Perdita]

This thread was split from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345519.0

I would agree with your assessment.  What do you think you will do with this insight?

Best,

FF

Stop blaming myself for his issues.  This person was broken very long before I met him.  I didn't break him.  In fact my sister knew him when he was a little kid (she's 8 years older than him).  She said from the start, just as I began seeing him, that she recalls him even then to be "not right in the head". I asked her what she meant and she said that something was just very wrong with him.

[formflier]

Are your finances comingled with his?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

No. Thankfully so because he has a lot of dept, again.  Mine are just not good.  I need to earn more before I have enough security to have a roof over my head that can't be taken away.

[formflier]

Can you stay with your parents indefinitely?


Best,

FF

[Methuen]

I am usually on the parent board but something here caught my eye.
  After i retired I worked at a women's shelter for a year.  First of all, everything you are describing is typical behavior of an abuser.  It doesn’t sound like he has hit you yet. All the victims of abuse I worked with always told stories about how the abuse keeps escalating.  You would be wise to exit the relationship now.   Others have asked a few times how you will get your things from the house.  **Do not go alone, even if you think he's not home. Take a friend or friends with you**

I would not discuss a break up until you have got all your stuff out safely.  Break up in a very public space with lots of people.

About the dog?  Was the dog yours, his, or both?  The shelter I worked in had a designated Pet room.  This is so the woman could bring her pet with her, for the safety of both.

Document document document.  Talk to your police woman contact now.  Get advice.   Any more attacks on property, call the police.   Just my thoughts.

[Perdita]

Can you stay with your parents indefinitely?


Best,

FF

My parents are old. My father has maybe a year left if his condition remains as it is now.  He has improved a lot in recent months though.  Fact is still that he's old and not well.   My mom will probably sell the house once he passes as she is dreaming about another house nearby.  Not very realistic because at her age a retirement village will be better.  She would like for him to buy the house from her!  She doesn't know how bad the situation is with him   Not the kind of thing I want to burden them with.   I will never be able to afford the house if she sells.  If I should inherit it I would have to buy out one sibling (doable).  The other has stated that they have no need for their  share and will pass it over to me.  That is my best possible outcome looking into the future long term.  Too much information? These are some of the things spinning through my head. 

[Perdita]

  After i retired I worked at a women's shelter for a year.  First of all, everything you are describing is typical behavior of an abuser.  It doesn’t sound like he has hit you yet. All the victims of abuse I worked with always told stories about how the abuse keeps escalating.  You would be wise to exit the relationship now.   Others have asked a few times how you will get your things from the house.  **Do not go alone, even if you think he's not home. Take a friend or friends with you**

I would have to pay someone.  I have no friends in the city to help me.

Iquote author=Methuen link=topic=345519.msg13118021#msg13118021 date=1595691954] I would not discuss a break up until you have got all your stuff out safely.  Break up in a very public space with lots of people.[/quote]
This is my approach to it as well.  I feel I have to watch myself with this so that I don't reveal much of anything.   I have to play my cards very close to my chest.  I was about to start taking driving lessons quietly this year, but covid-19 and lockdown put those plans on halt shortly after I had inquired from a driving school about lessons and was about to start getting that rolling.

The best way I see this going down would be for me to move everything out once I have myself organized financially and to do it when he is going through another one of his "f off out of my life" tantrums. Every time he loses it I get one message after the other along those lines.  Earlier this year he called me just over 200x one night.  It will actually feel good to be able to leave during those tantrums.  For him to come home and realize I have left.  I am a very fast packer.  Apart from the kitchen stuff and some pieces of furniture, all my other things are easy to remove as most things are organized in the cupboards in wood boxes that I can simply take out and carry away.

About the dog?  Was the dog yours, his, or both?

We got her together.  I wanted my name on the adoption papers as well but he filled them out.  She is under my details at the vet.

Document document document.  Talk to your police woman contact now.  Get advice.   Any more attacks on property, call the police.   Just my thoughts.

It's good to hear what others think because I know he makes me doubt myself. Can you tell me with your experience if it is acceptable to document past things as well? 

[I Am Redeemed]

Is it safe to assume that you could stay with your parents for the duration of your father's life, and possibly move in with your mother if she does decide to sell once he has passed?

In other words, you would not have to search for living arrangements in the next few months.

I would definitely talk to your police contact. Tell her what has been happening and ask for advice. Also talk to her about retrieving your things from the house and the custody of the dog. You may be able to get a police escort to retrieve your things.

Definitely document things in the past. They may no longer be actionable, but it is good to have a record just in case.

The last incident with my ex that prompted a call to the police, the officer instructed me to write down everything that happened as I could remember going back the last three weeks. They arrested him in the driveway of our home and the police remained with my son until I could come and get him and retrieve some things from the house. I never stayed there again because I was terrified that he would get out of jail and come there. I left, put my things in storage, and moved in temporarily with a coworker until I saved enough money to rent a house on my own.

It's hard when you are in the middle of it to figure out the best strategies to protect yourself. Fear kept me stuck much of the time. Once I began reaching out and telling the truth about what was happening, I found people there to support me that I didn't know I had as resources.

[Perdita]

It doesn’t sound like he has hit you yet.

No.  He has pushed me against walls.   Grabbed me by the shoulders and shaken me.  Most recently this year he has pinched my upper arm hard.  He also forced his way into the house earlier in the year when he was unraveling.   That's why I am so quick now to lock the gates as soon as the dog is inside.

I record his phone calls.  On Thursday he told me that he lies about me to people and tells them I make things up so that no one will believe anything I say.  Sure enough his pathetic excuse for a mother send me a message in February or March telling me she doesn't like the lies I tell about her son.  I have believed for years that he lies about me after I read a message he sent to his ex telling her that I have a "brain condition" which causes me to gave "episodes " of imagining things. He has always denied smearing me to people.   I am glad I recorded that one way conversation.   I do feel that no one will believe me  because certainly everyone in his life believes his lies.  This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.  It's bad enough dealing with him, but made worse by the dirty looks I get from his family and friends.

[formflier]

I think it's possible...possible that you are trying to link decisions that don't need to be linked.

Living situation and him (or his house where your stuff is).  Is there any reason for those to be linked anymore?  Is there any reason to have a "fall back plan" with that place in mind?

Action about your stuff and the dog.  These things do seem to be linked and I think appropriately so.  What would you imagine he would do if you took all your stuff?  What would "dog handover" be like the next day?

Is there any reason to consider any of the top two things with where you might be living in a year or 2?

 

I'm so sorry that you are in the situation you are with your Father.  I did that for about 6 months...several years ago after my Dad had a stroke.  One of the things that makes my heart break for you is my desire for you to focus on your Father and the time your have remaining...not someone yelling things at the gate of your house (or worse).

I was blessed and yes I mean that word...blessed to have the time I did with my Dad and relatively little other drama in my life. 

Are you open to us helping you move to a place like that in your life?

 

Best,

FF

[Methuen]

Perdita I am very sorry to hear about your father's ailing health.  I have dealt with that with my own father and my MIL in the past, and currently my FIL is nearing the end of his life (albeit from a distance, but we are still involved in health care decision making), and my uBPD mother is 84, and in my town.  There is enough stress with your father's health to cope with, without this other problem of personal safety.  I really feel for you.  

Based on my experience working at a women's shelter for a year, yes, I would recommend you document things from the past, keeping in mind that the details are very important (eg, dates, times, witnesses (including your parents), any related hospital visits, marks on your body such as bruising from the pushing or pinching, pictures taken of these marks, and of course all your phone recordings.  Were there ever any related visits to your doctor?  Or have you ever shared this problem with friends or co-workers (include names). Details will give your allegations weight, and they provide evidence (the phone recordings are excellent.  Do you have copies of these recordings in case you ever lost your phone?).

Again, seek out and speak with your police woman contact.  She will be able to offer particularly good guidance.  

Look online for a women's shelter in your area.  While you don't need a place to stay because you are with your parents, women's shelters have other resources available including counsellors, outreach workers (meaning support for community members who are not staying at the shelter), and also expertise with the law in your area.  You can  call the shelter and talk to someone there about your situation, and ask for advice and whether or not they have any suggestions for you.  Conversation with them, might help you decide if you want to stay or leave the relationship.  IF you decide at some point you are ready to leave the relationship, you could also ask the shelter worker questions such as what do they recommend about the dog?  Can you take the dog with you when you go get your things (if this is OK with your parents)?  Or do you think it would be best to leave the dog with him? Where is the dog safer?  Also ask, what do they recommend as a safe way for you to go get your things (if you decide you want to leave)?  I don't know if they could provide you with an escort.  At my shelter, we could not escort the women because of our own safety, but we could liase with the police to get the woman a police escort in some situations.  IF at some point you decide you want to leave the relationship, it would be best to go at a time he is not scheduled to be home (eg. if he's at work), and also take at least one other person with you regardless of who it is (this is for your safety, but also to help you move things out faster).  I know you say you have no friends in the city, but do you have community contacts or co-workers you could ask?  Do you know anyone who is a bouncer or a licensed security guard you could ask?  Or hire a licensed security officer?  Or ask good friends outside of the city who are reliable and have your well-being foremost in their mind?  Also, keep in mind IF you decide to leave the relationship, that getting out quickly is a good idea.  If a neighbour who is a friend of his sees you moving stuff out, they could call him and he could come home.  In my experience, this is the type of thing that happens.  Getting out fast is probably more important than taking your furniture with you.  Also, be sure you have every piece of ID, insurance etc out of there.  Lots to think about I know.  You don't have to decide anything immediately.  You are in a safe place at your parents, so that is really good and amazing.  You have time to think and plan, which it sounds like you are already doing with your banking/finance. The planning is really super smart, and super important. Take your time with that, and do it thoughtfully.

Another thing you could do, just to ask for professional advice, is call a toll free victim's assistance crisis line.  Reach out for advice and help to more than one place Perdita.  

How do your parents feel about him and this safety issue (assuming they are aware of the issues in your relationship since he's been banging on your gate and windows)?  Are they afraid of him?  

There are pros and cons to staying and leaving a relationship. Lots to think about.

[GaGrl]

Perdita, I get the impression you have been holding all this inside and have not shared with your parents. It is probably time to be honest, especially with your mother. You don't want her to sell the house to him -- that would be an even more complicated situation than you already are in! Your mother might be thinking she is doing a good, helpful thing.

Hiring a small truck and a couple of movers could get your priority belongings out of his house quickly and safely.

You might want to reinforce your locks on gates and doors.

[formflier]

  She would like for him to buy the house from her!  She doesn't know how bad the situation is with him   Not the kind of thing I want to burden them with.    

Hey...something to clarify.

Do your parents think things are ok with your pwBPD?

What do they know?

Best,

FF

[Methuen]

I think I missed this earlier:

She would like for him to buy the house from her!

“Perdita, is “him” the partner who’s making you feel unsafe?  

If yes, do you think it’s time to tell your parents about how unsafe you feel in this relationship?

[Perdita]

Is it safe to assume that you could stay with your parents for the duration of your father's life, and possibly move in with your mother if she does decide to sell once he has passed?

In other words, you would not have to search for living arrangements in the next few months.

Hi I am Redeemed.  Yes, I could stay here.  Doubt I could move in with my mom later as she is unrealistic about the fact that she is old and soon will be too old to live alone.  Also, I wouldn't want to land in a situation again were I am the free caregiver - or cargiver period.  I have been doing that here since December and the loss of income due to time devoted to caregiving has made my situation worse. Also, caregiving a family member is a 24/7 thing.  There is no clocking out.  It's exhausting and even if I got help I just can't handle devoting years of my life to this.  I am close to 50.  I have to think about myself and what I want for myself.

Definitely document things in the past. They may no longer be actionable, but it is good to have a record just in case.

I think things from the past will probably be more useful to his psychiatrist.  Not that I would hand it to him unless he has a complete breakdown.  The pattern is very clear.  Also, I do know dates from a lot of incidents over the years.   

It's hard when you are in the middle of it to figure out the best strategies to protect yourself. Fear kept me stuck much of the time. Once I began reaching out and telling the truth about what was happening, I found people there to support me that I didn't know I had as resources.

I am glad you got out! Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

[Perdita]

I think it's possible...possible that you are trying to link decisions that don't need to be linked.

Living situation and him (or his house where your stuff is).  Is there any reason for those to be linked anymore?  Is there any reason to have a "fall back plan" with that place in mind?

I wish it wasn't, but for now it is.  That is what I want to be able to remove from my fall back list.  That's why finances are a huge worry. 

Action about your stuff and the dog.  These things do seem to be linked and I think appropriately so.  What would you imagine he would do if you took all your stuff?  What would "dog handover" be like the next day?

The dog situation is tricky and worries me a lot.

Is there any reason to consider any of the top two things with where you might be living in a year or 2?

All depends on my finances.  I am working on things albeit slower than I'd like at the moment.

I'm so sorry that you are in the situation you are with your Father.  I did that for about 6 months...several years ago after my Dad had a stroke.  One of the things that makes my heart break for you is my desire for you to focus on your Father and the time your have remaining...not someone yelling things at the gate of your house (or worse).

You know then how time consuming it is taking care of an elderly person.  I also find myself thinking why am I having to deal with an out of control person on top of everything else.  Sometimes I am just stunned at how little he understands about what it is like for me trying to keep everyone calm.  I have to keep my mom from losing her mind under the stress.  I have to deal with him and his anger issues.  No one ever asks how I am doing or what they can do for me.  I'm very tired and my own health isn't right.  I believe it is the stress catching up with me. 

I was blessed and yes I mean that word...blessed to have the time I did with my Dad and relatively little other drama in my life. 

Are you open to us helping you move to a place like that in your life?

I would.  All I do know for sure is that I don't want to make any hasty moves.  I need everything planned out carefully.

[Perdita]

Perdita I am very sorry to hear about your father's ailing health.  I have dealt with that with my own father and my MIL in the past, and currently my FIL is nearing the end of his life (albeit from a distance, but we are still involved in health care decision making), and my uBPD mother is 84, and in my town.

I am sorry that you are also dealing with elderly care.  It's not an easy road and there is always something new popping up to worry about.

Based on my experience working at a women's shelter for a year, yes, I would recommend you document things from the past, keeping in mind that the details are very important (eg, dates, times, witnesses (including your parents), any related hospital visits, marks on your body such as bruising from the pushing or pinching, pictures taken of these marks, and of course all your phone recordings.  Were there ever any related visits to your doctor?  Or have you ever shared this problem with friends or co-workers (include names). Details will give your allegations weight, and they provide evidence (the phone recordings are excellent.  Do you have copies of these recordings in case you ever lost your phone?).

I have the recording on my desktop and will make extra backup copies very soon. Today probably.  No, I have never been to a dr because of him. He hasn't done anything like that.  It's pushing, shoving, pinching and even spitting.  Things that won't get him arrested.  I have one friend who just left the country who I speak with daily about these things.  He is actually the only one who knows the extent of the problems.  I'd hate to drag him into it though should it become a legal matter. 

Last night I sat down and wrote down everything of mine that's at his house (it's "our house" when things are ok, but "his" when they aren't.  We were going to each have a share in it, but that never happened even though he promised it would be like that).  I wrote descriptions of things and where they are located in the house.  I also have photos that I took of everything in March after he had another episode.  I also wrote a letter to my sister (unsent but she'll know where it is here) instructing her to remove all my possessions from the house should I pass away before doing so myself.  I included the names and numbers of his psychiatrist and psychologist should he be a problem as well as the police officer's name and contact details.  I feel better now that I have done that. 

 

Can you take the dog with you when you go get your things (if this is OK with your parents)?  Or do you think it would be best to leave the dog with him? Where is the dog safer?  

He will never let me have her.  It will be a shared custody thing at best.  I would like for him to leave her outside when he drops her and I wouldn't even want to see him and wait for him to leave before letting her in.  My parents love her, they are fine having her here.

 I know you say you have no friends in the city, but do you have community contacts or co-workers you could ask?  Do you know anyone who is a bouncer or a licensed security guard you could ask?  Or hire a licensed security officer?  Or ask good friends outside of the city who are reliable and have your well-being foremost in their mind?  Also, keep in mind IF you decide to leave the relationship, that getting out quickly is a good idea.  If a neighbour who is a friend of his sees you moving stuff out, they could call him and he could come home.  In my experience, this is the type of thing that happens.  Getting out fast is probably more important than taking your furniture with you.

I don't really have anyone I can count on.  He knows it too.  He has always known that there is no one here to stand up for me.  As for the furniture, it includes things that have been in the family for almost a century.  I value them too much to leave behind for him to destroy.

   You don't have to decide anything immediately.  You are in a safe place at your parents, so that is really good and amazing.  You have time to think and plan, which it sounds like you are already doing with your banking/finance. The planning is really super smart, and super important. Take your time with that, and do it thoughtfully.

I am going to do my best.  It's just overwhelming.  I don't even have a driver's license.  I was going to try to get it this year but covid put a halt to those plans.  My eyesight is very poor even with glasses, but I hope I can still pull that off somehow.

  

How do your parents feel about him and this safety issue (assuming they are aware of the issues in your relationship since he's been banging on your gate and windows)?  Are they afraid of him?  

My father doesn't have a clue. My mother knows he is emotionally volatile, but not how bad things actually are.  They know nothing about the gate kicking.  They are in the bedroom when it happens and I close doors behind me etc. so they don't hear.  Also, my father is hard of hearing.

[Methuen]

Hi Perdita,

How are you doing?  It's been a few days...  Has he been back to your parents' house?

I also wrote a letter to my sister (unsent but she'll know where it is here) instructing her to remove all my possessions from the house should I pass away before doing so myself.

Perdita, I am wondering if he has ever threatened your life directly, or said things to make you fear for your life  in more indirect ways?  

No, I have never been to a dr because of him. He hasn't done anything like that.  It's pushing, shoving, pinching and even spitting.  Things that won't get him arrested.

For now.  It is a pattern in abusive relationships, for the abuse to escalate.

He will never let me have her.  It will be a shared custody thing at best.  I would like for him to leave her outside when he drops her and I wouldn't even want to see him and wait for him to leave before letting her in.

So I expect him to try to use the dog as a tool to control you.  What will you do if this happens?  Are you prepared to consider "letting go of the dog", if it means keeping yourself safe?
  

My father doesn't have a clue. My mother knows he is emotionally volatile, but not how bad things actually are.  They know nothing about the gate kicking.  They are in the bedroom when it happens and I close doors behind me etc. so they don't hear.  Also, my father is hard of hearing.

Since your father is seriously ill, you may or may not wish to share your story with him...but what about your mother?  It kind of sounds like you are protecting them from knowing the truth about the relationship, but who is that helping?  I say the following gently and with a lot of caring, but, in a way, protecting your parents from the truth, is kind of enabling him because sometimes silence can be condoning the behavior, whereas telling your story (your truth) to your mother could be empowering for you.  What do you think?  How do you think your mom would react if you shared your truth?

I'm very tired and my own health isn't right.  I believe it is the stress catching up with me.

What can you do to look after you?  It's not selfish to look after yourself.  Have you talked to anyone such as a doctor about all that is going on? If you reach out to people, you may find really good support.  Calling a women's center and sharing your story over the phone could also be a very good source of information and support, to help you make informed decisions.

Are you open to us helping you move to a place like that in your life?
I would.  All I do know for sure is that I don't want to make any hasty moves.  I need everything planned out carefully.

You are moving very cautiously.  What are you afraid could happen if you move too quickly?