Sudden and painful break up with fiance

[AliceBlunderland]

Hi
Am struggling. Was with my fiance for four years. A huge amount happened in that time. My father passed and I have been very busy with work and a course. I thought my fiance was supportive in all this - but in fact, during lockdown, his rage escalated. We were living in a house that I had bought. He was terrible with money so I would never have bought with him (debt letters from US etc). We moved out last year and were both in rented accom. I think his anger really kicked in when I sold the house (I had to, it was a terrible new build). We were talking about living together again although he snores really badly so was discussing other options. This really made him flip his lid, esp when I asked for £1000 back which he owed me. A few weeks ago, he said all the awful things under the sun and will no longer communicate with me. I am feeling the loss. And I don't know what to make of the 4 years we spent together? A depressed me tells me he was just faking it to get what he wanted (a house to live in).

I find his behaviour very cruel - but perhaps I should be thinking these are his true colours. He has blamed EVERYTHING on me.

Help.

[FindingMe2011]

My father passed and I have been very busy with work and a course.

Sorry to hear this. I lost my father 2 years ago, my best friend...Didnt always give sound advice, but always in my corner.

I thought my fiance was supportive in all this - but in fact, during lockdown, his rage escalated.

This has confined and upset routines for all. Not good for the cluster B world I would presume.

A few weeks ago, he said all the awful things under the sun and will no longer communicate with me.

Appears you have been painted black, so to speak. You are the persecutor and he the victim. The silent treatment is your punishment and a form of distortion/control. This dynamic probably has flip flopped over time. I always knew i was in a one upman-ship r/s. never made sense till i learned of cluster B.

We were talking about living together again although he snores really badly so was discussing other options.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, your gut instincts are correct, listen to them. i cant help to laugh when i saw this, I kept coming back. it just seems out of place. Maybe a C pack or whatever the sleeping devices they have now? But hey, if it keeps you from continuing a dysfunctional r/s, more power to ya.

A depressed me tells me he was just faking it to get what he wanted (a house to live in).

Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck...its probably a duck. Sorry youre feeling depressed, but this is the grieving process and you appear to be contemplating ACCEPTANCE. Good for you... i wish you well, Peace

[FindingMe2011]

My father passed and I have been very busy with work and a course.

Sorry to hear this. I lost my father 2 years ago, my best friend...Didnt always give sound advice, but always in my corner.

I thought my fiance was supportive in all this - but in fact, during lockdown, his rage escalated.

This has confined and upset routines for all. Not good for the cluster B world I would presume.

A few weeks ago, he said all the awful things under the sun and will no longer communicate with me.

Appears you have been painted black, so to speak. You are the persecutor and he the victim. The silent treatment is your punishment and a form of distortion/control. This dynamic probably has flip flopped over time. I always knew i was in a one upman-ship r/s. never made sense till i learned of cluster B.

We were talking about living together again although he snores really badly so was discussing other options.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, your gut instincts are correct, listen to them. i cant help to laugh when i saw this, I kept coming back. it just seems out of place. Maybe a C pack or whatever the sleeping devices they have now? But hey, if it keeps you from continuing a dysfunctional r/s, more power to ya.

A depressed me tells me he was just faking it to get what he wanted (a house to live in).

Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck...its probably a duck. Sorry youre feeling depressed, but this is the grieving process and you appear to be contemplating ACCEPTANCE. Good for you...

I find his behaviour very cruel - but perhaps I should be thinking these are his true colours. He has blamed EVERYTHING on me.

You would be correct again, you should go on a TV game show.  With many cluster B illnesses, accepting blame makes them bad, and a feeling of annihilation/death. They cant go there. I wish you well, Peace

[AliceBlunderland]

Thanks for the reply.

Sorry to hear you lost your Dad too - mine was also my best friend. I am sure the whole thing made me withdraw but I thought the ex fiance would understand that.

The other thing that is playing on my mind is, that when I first met him, after a few dates ( I met him online, my first online dating experience) he told me he doesn't talk to his family anymore. He described his mother as a total bitch who thought he had a mental health illness (Borderline) but that was total bollocks (his words) and he will never forgive her for mis-diagnosing him. But now he has treated me in this way, I am wondering if his mum had a point? I feel silly for taking his initial story at face value, and felt sorry for him.

He's utterly stonewalling me now, which is very painful. In one text, he even laughed at my pain. That was soo weird.

[FindingMe2011]

Sorry to hear you lost your Dad too - mine was also my best friend. I am sure the whole thing made me withdraw but I thought the ex fiance would understand that

Thanks, i celebrate his life most days now...A very vulnerable time for you. Unfortunately most cluster B types dont have the ability to feel empathy.

The other thing that is playing on my mind is, that when I first met him, after a few dates ( I met him online, my first online dating experience) he told me he doesn't talk to his family anymore.

The online world is full of PDs. Its a fantasy world just as the illnesses dictate. There arent too many reasons, one doesnt speak to family, and none are good.

He described his mother as a total bitch who thought he had a mental health illness (Borderline) but that was total bollocks (his words) and he will never forgive her for mis-diagnosing him.

Unless his mother is a psychiatrist, making this call seems ridiculous at face value. With not much actual time, around him and his family trying to decipher his words is impossible, they are cryptic in nature, but they always seem to expose themselves if you listen closely.

But now he has treated me in this way, I am wondering if his mum had a point? I feel silly for taking his initial story at face value, and felt sorry for him.

No, mum is probably responsible. So the whole thing diagnosing her son is odd. She most likely was the punitive parent in his childhood...Some Cluster B disorders replay the dynamic with the punitive parent, like a continuous loop, believing this time, they will get it right. (the r/s with you) But the tape plays and the same results happen, YOU are the punitive parent... Dont feel silly, many on this planet do this, then come to realize we played right into the fantasy. It happens, and with your loss, your vision is/was distorted. Feeling sorry is correct in my eyes, they really are in a living hell. But rest assure YOU can make NO difference, only they can, sadly.

He's utterly stonewalling me now, which is very painful. In one text, he even laughed at my pain. That was soo weird.

The stonewalling is your punishment for now, the silent treatment to create confusion/deception( maybe how you feel now? its working no?) and to control, he is the persecutor... Laughing at anothers pain is Masochist in nature ( this gives you a peak inside his head, its dark) and is anti-social behavior, formerly known a psychopathic tendencies. So yes weird would be an understatement, in my eyes. I wish you well, Peace

[bowedbirdie]

I am so sorry for all of the pain that you are going through. 4 years is a significant amount of time to be committed to someone and just being dropped like that is awful. I just want you to know that even though he has a mental illness, it's no excuse for his behavior and that you do not deserve this kind of treatment.

I am feeling the loss. And I don't know what to make of the 4 years we spent together? A depressed me tells me he was just faking it to get what he wanted (a house to live in).

I've never dated anyone with BPD and I'm no expert on the disorder (I've only read a few books about it), but I've had similar experiences. I had a thing going on with my friend and everything was lovely. I thought I was finally going to end up in a romantic relationship with someone amazing, but he backed out saying he still loves his ex and can never love me (they've split over a year ago). At that point, I realized it was best to just stay friends. I love him dearly, but he has blocked me on all social media and phone because i told his sister (who is supportive) that he was at risk of harming himself. It's been almost a month of no contact. I understand that he probably feels betrayed, but now I'm left wondering if I ever meant anything to him. Did he ever see me as a friend, or did he just keep me around cause there was no one else?

He might initiate contact with you again, which is common with PwBPD. But of course, it's your choice whether you respond right now. I hope you use this no contact situation to heal emotionally and grieve over the relationship and over the loss of your Dad. I'm not much of help, but I wish you well.  

[AliceBlunderland]

@Roller Derby

Thanks for your replies. Yes, he has turned me into his mother - no doubt I am now a 'bitch' to him. Could kick myself for that too, as I did some reading some years back and remember how we should listen to how men talk about their mothers. Just never imagined he'd stick me in that role. But here we are.

Yes, laughing at someone's pain is sadistic. No doubt.

@Bowed Birdie

You're right. I cannot believe he has just dumped me like a hot brick and thrown me in the trash like a bit of rubbish. We were engaged. The way he has behaved, I'm not sure he remembers this?

He has accused me of all sorts - pure projection I think.

I don't think for one minute he will ever contact me again. He needs new supply and fast. And that supply is no longer me, as I obvs didn't 'adore' him enough.

Feel v bad already for his next partner. He really turns on all the charm and intelligence. I was convinced ! Until now.

Thanks for replying - helps me focus on what's really happening here.

[AliceBlunderland]

@Roller Derby

The things he blamed his mum for are ridiculous. Although at the time I didn't ask the questions I should have. He blames her for not sorting a US visa for him, for not sorting him with a job.

He's a child, who throws tantrums if he doesn't get his way.

Yes weird how he blamed his mum for his diagnosis, as it would be a doctor who decided. But no, he blames his mum.

It has only been post break up that I see the HUGE holes in his story.

[FindingMe2011]

It has only been post break up that I see the HUGE holes in his story.

There is no clarity from the inside. We want the fantasy to be real. it has to look different from the outside, because it is. Remove emotions and its a train wreck you are watching, stand clear.

He's a child, who throws tantrums if he doesn't get his way.

Literally, and this is where he will remain, unless he does something, and for himself. There is no other path to a healthier mindset...Reminds me of a girl i dated for a short time. I said to her " are you going to stomp and pout like a little child?" Damn if she didnt start doing this, she was 30 something.

[Tobiasfunke]

Run for the hills. You’re free. There are so many great people out there. We all Have our issues but some stuff can not be tolerated and it seems like it is escalating. And it sucks when you’ve invested time and tears into a relationship to have it go down like this. But to keep it going will only lead to more pain.