Nervous & exploring

[CrossStitchSane]

Good evening all, I’m really not sure what I’m doing here but knew I had to find someone/people to talk to about how I am feeling.

I have been in a relationship for 15 years & married for 10. I have known that my husband has GAD, which he is medicated for but I’ve always felt that there was maybe more.

He has mentioned a few times that he thinks he may have BPD (hope that’s right!) and so I decided to read into it more and I 100% agree & believe that he does. Reading about how it is to live with someone with it, is like reading about my life. I’ve lived with it our whole relationship but we now have a 2 year old and I don’t think I can let her live through it too.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to gain from being here but after a typical bad night, I just needed something.

Thank you to anyone that reads this

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome to BPDfamily, CrossStitchSane. We're glad you're here, and we're more than willing to listen.  Do you want to tell us a little more about what happened last night? What does a typical bad night look like?

[CrossStitchSane]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your reply.

I guess there’s 2 parts of last night, I know how it happened; hubby was made redundant before Covid but that’s made finding work currently near impossible so he’s unhappy about that, add being home alone & alcohol & then come the insecurities etc.
What triggered it was because of my family which has always been a trigger in our relationship & basically resulted in him lashing out to one of my family members, then removing them from social media, along with all the rest of our friends (joint profile)

Then it was up to me to ‘fix’ it all. To defend him to my family because apparently I never do. He also told my family member something that I told him in confidence & that I didn’t want to share but he still expects me to defend him.

The rest is as per usual; name calling, telling me I need plastic surgery, saying he’s leaving, going from saying our child isn’t his to telling me that he’ll get custody.

I am still working full time at the moment & yet I’m the one sat up when I’ve got work soon whilst he sleeps.

Nothing new or unusual but it’s just so draining

[pursuingJoy]

I hear your exhaustion. The insecurity and alcohol are a dangerous mix. I can relate to much of what you shared, including being asked to defend his immature or irrational behavior to others. So what did you do when he told you to fix it? Did you?

How do you feel when he's having a moment like that? What are the emotions you cycle through?

Is there anything you can do to find a moment of joy or peace today? A few minutes to do something that takes the pressure off your chest for a little bit? I know it's cliche but self-care is important. (If you're like me, the first few times feel like jumping through a pointless hoop but a measure of relief comes eventually.)

[CrossStitchSane]

It’s such a relief knowing that I’m not alone, although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone so it’s bitter sweet!

I haven’t & won’t fix it for him & quite honestly at this stage, I don’t know how it can be. He can be so spiteful & hurtful and this was directed at my Mum so it’s going to take a lot of take it back.

I probably go through every emotion Ive changed how I react over the years which helps but it doesn’t always work, for me or him. I used to get very upset, cry, defend everything & try to do or say what he wanted.
I try not to engage at all now, only responding if I have to. Generally we separate into different parts of the house & will communicate but message which in some ways is easier!

I guess it upsets me more to think that it is just normal now & im used to it, even though I’m not  but I hate that our child is growing up in it too & that’s what I’m struggling with the most at the moment.

As my name suggests, I love to cross stitch, it’s my release, my down time & I love it. I make sure I do some every night & have just spent the last few hours doing that which helps.

[CrossStitchSane]

I’ve just jumped onto Facebook to check my memories because I love seeing how much our toddler had grown & he’s deleted everything, all photos & posts.
We have all the photos saved but not individual posts about milestones etc which is how we document them.
I am devastated

[JaneWrites]

CrossStitchSane, your experiences are similar to mine. I locked down all my social media several years ago after my BPDh accused me of having an affair (I didn't) and I was worried what he was going to do. I have to use social media for work too.

I don't post that much personally anymore either - I used to want to post pics of the kids for family to see, but, you see, the kids look like me and *MY* friends and family comment on that and, apparently, that is offensive. He and his mother (also BPD pretty sure) had a whole conversation about how my friends and family were cutting him out of any credit for the children. So now my MiL doesn't get to see pictures of the kids because I don't feel like attracting anyone to comment how much they look like me!

He also believes my family dislikes him and has said nasty things to him (nope). He had a wild story about being dissed while being introduced to a niece's boyfriend (nope). It goes on and on. I think there is insecurity if you have a separate relationship with people.

My BPDh also mixes alcohol into the mess and he is also currently unemployed and holing up in the guest bedroom night and day.

I don't have much advice, but just wanted you to know your experiences are not unusual for many of us.