Relief to find "stop walking on eggshells"

[KB 6027]

So glad I discovered this book! I was able to finally understand why my adult daughter so violently reacts in many situations, especially towards me. I would assume they may target one parent over the other? Hoping to learn more and how to manage my actions in this relationship.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Breakwater Bill]

Great Book!  It really opened my eyes.  She has some amazing books, but this is a cornerstone book for anyone in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  I have kept it handy and used it as reference as things come up.  I would just suggest not lending it to anyone outside the house, because it's a great book to have nearby.

[PearlsBefore]

In my uncommon opinion, Eggshells is actually over-rated as a continuing resource for a family dealing with BPD and there are some more helpful resources that are more targeted towards specific demographics. Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger both have a number of books, mostly just fleshing out and re-combining the ideas in their other books; neither are bad authors, but neither are "great". One benefit of reading a couple Eddy or Kreger books is that because they are the most widely-read/recommended, you can be sure pretty much everyone here, or in a local support group, has read them - whereas very few people will be able to discuss Kernberg beyond what Kreger or Eddy quotes from him.

It's fantastic as a gateway inviting people to actually recognise and understand BPD for what it is (No, it is not the same or even very closely related to Bipolar, no the name is not because it's practically not even an illness but rather because there academic dispute whether to classify pwBPDs as "psychotic" or "neurotic" - when in truth they are uniquely on the borderline between the two, etc) - and to reassure loved ones that their pwBPD is not actually the worst daughter/wife/brother in the world and nor are they themselves the worst caretaker in the world.

You can find so many books on BPD - many of them freely available online if bookstores and Amazon are not really your thing.

Be forewarned, some of them get a little weird because they're simultaneously speaking to the BPD and the loved ones - and come across disingenuous to both. Some of the workbooks I've seen that are written for BPDs are actually distressingly dishonest with them by taking the old CBT and DBT mantras like DEAR MAN/FAST a little too literally and end up accidentally leaving the pwBPD reassured that it's okay to try to murder former friends because while it's not ideal and in a perfect world with enough homework they'll be able to find other alternatives, they have the unquestionable right to react how they wish, etc. (The strangest advice I've seen, catering to a demographic that already struggles with overwhelming feelings of crippling shame, was to practice masturbating in front of a mirror while telling themselves that their fat/arm-scars/stretchmarks were what made them sexy...suffice to say I do not recommend anyone with BPD try that solution...or anyone, for that matter)

[Football2000]

In my uncommon opinion, Eggshells is actually over-rated as a continuing resource for a family dealing with BPD and there are some more helpful resources that are more targeted towards specific demographics.

I think the Eggshells book is also a little overrated in some ways. I think it's a good starting point, but the best resource I've actually found is recent research available on Google scholar. It takes a bit more work to synthesize that knowledge but there are several fascinating insights into BPD that have come out in the last 5 years that just isn't in the popular books.

Regarding the comment by the original poster, I do believe that it is fairly common for someone with BPD to shift to different targets over time. That really depends on how the BPD is viewing the world at the time, which as we all know can change quite rapidly.